Is dev satisfaction possible?

[junimo]

Curious to hear others’ thoughts on this, as I’ve been married to my AB husband for 15 years (I’m 38). I’ve had dev feelings since as early as I remember (though it manifested just as fascination pre-puberty). I dated a couple of PWDs before meeting my now husband and I haven’t physically been with a PWD in probably 7 years (my husband and I experimented with an open marriage for about a year; something I initiated to indulge my devness). The guy I was seeing during that time had CP, which isn’t one of my primary attractions, but it was a blast while it lasted. It also just became too much to manage to be honest with the whole open marriage thing - meeting the emotional needs of two different people just became too difficult at that time in my life.
The last few months have been so frustrating for me as I seem to be in some sort of dev spiral - a huge itch I can’t scratch. I love my husband to death and he fulfills me in almost every way, with the one obvious exception. All of this has me thinking about whether dev “satisfaction” is even possible. Like, have you now or have ever been with a PWD who ticked all your dev boxes, was a person you connected with an emotional and intellectual level, and where you shared similar views and approaches to life? And then, let’s say all of that is good to go - does this one PWD really satisfy all your dev desires and needs on a long-term basis?
Maybe I just need to hear about situations where this all worked out, either short-term or still ongoing. Maybe I just need to live vicariously a little bit 🙂

[devogirl]

Maybe no. Mainly because it is impossible for anyone's desires to ever be completely fulfilled. But it is possible to be more or less satisfied enough with your life choices. I realized after dating many, many PWDs that the perfect partner who ticked every box physically and mentally probably did not exist. I know how it is to feel that itch you can't scratch, but having great sex with a PWD hookup wasn't enough either when I wanted a partner. I married an AB guy and I'm very glad that I prioritized intellectual compatibility because for me it was way more important. Also my sex drive was super high in my 30s but has declined sharply as I got older.

This isn't true for everyone, of course. There are happy PWD-dev couples here, and I think any single dev should try to meet PWDs. But if you have searched and not found him, maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe you could find a NSA arrangement that would be less emotionally draining. You're lucky your husband is so accommodating, don't give up a great partner if he's ok with some possible openness.

[lisa]

I recently talked to a few other devs and the general consensus was that it is hard, if not impossible, to find a PWD who fits on a physical, mental and geographic level. Usually, two out of three is as good as it gets. It's like a triangle, where you can only pick one side :P.
(Not to be pessimistic here, but it I guess, it's even more than three sides, in my experience, it was often the guys who didn't want to engage in a relationship even if I was willing to try.)

[Dani]

I just think the numbers are so small. Like there are just not enough PWD or devs out there to "meet" each other. Every time I go to an event or something, I'm often discouraged to see either no PWD or very few. And with that comes the specific interest for only specific guys with a disability, in my case, paraplegic or quadriplegic.
This also coincides with the dev dilemma. Of course, I don't want to see thousands of guys in wheelchairs, but they are the men who interest me, and so it's basically not even an option when there aren't any.
I am in an open marriage, and if the opportunity presented itself, my husband would want me to be able to explore. I don't see this opportunity to come up very often, so it's a bit sad to think about that, but I do have many other things that my life doesn't center around being a dev. I believe it does have something to do with age as well. I think the older I get, the more difficult it will be. I don't actively seek out men on dating sites or anything, it's not that important to me I guess. 
So, generally, some devs are fortunate and have met their significant other here or out there in the world, but I don't think it's easily accomplished to find the right match in the dev/PWD world, the numbers are too small and people are far and wide.
I've only come close once in my life to someone that was very much what I liked, and somehow all the stars were aligned right, but then he decided he wasn't all the way in it with his head, so my "dream" is very close but yet, out of reach. I have to add, though, that my conscious dev life didn't start until about 12 years ago (I was 40 then), so I don't know. I had many "friends" online, but far and in between, and one real person close to where I am in twelve years. I don't know if that's good or bad! Probably bad...

[shadow]

I don’t think it’s possible for any one person to literally tick ALL of my dev boxes (or partner boxes). I find different things attractive about different disabilities, so there will always be some boxes left unticked with one man. Without being able to say “all,” I would say “yes,” it is possible. I am able to tick the majority of my dev boxes and partner boxes with one pwd man and I’ve been able to maintain that relationship over a longterm basis (decades). I do think it’s pretty rare, due to multiple factors, however.

[newmn]

It is possible. I've experienced it a few times and I belong to a minority group when it comes to PWD/dev connections. It makes me realize how fortunate I've been since discovering that being a dev is normal and I'm not alone.

Best wishes for a happy 2023!

[justmae]

I certainly acknowledge how extremely difficult this can all be to navigate - I've known about my dev'ness since I was pre-pubescent (my Ken dolls were in chairs that I stuck wheels and leg bags to) and yet I was never in a position of being able to experiment/experience it "in real life". Having been married to an AB man for 9 years, the itch stuck and couldn't be satisfied until things came to a head and our marriage paid the price - he needed a deep desire and intimacy that I wasn't able to fulfill.

Fast forward, but not really, to falling head over heels for a certain PWD here. It's certainly not always been EASY, and has certainly required moving mountains and lots of open communication, but I feel confident in saying that the itch is being beyond scratched. I have never had such a supportive relationship AND having the best sex evvvvvvvvvvvvvvver in my life.

BUT, it's not been easy, life is still a huge challenge, and there are many many many hurdles to overcome. But I'm confident in saying the relationship satisfaction is possible <3

ETA: I agree with shadow , I don't believe that it's possible for any one person to tick all the boxes, or to expect that. He still has caregivers and a strong support network, and I still have friends to go hiking and dancing with, a yoga community, a community I've created who will loan me a car when mine breaks down or drive to ferry terminals to pick up my brother on Christmas Eve (just happened). Expecting that ONE PERSON will fulfill ALL your needs is a tall order, but expecting one person to fulfill both your emotional and sexual needs as a parter. Check.

I also understand how much growth and change happens over the lifetime of a relationship - but for now, let it go down in PD internet history, emotional and sexual needs are beyond supported by alchemist <3

[ayla]

This is a great question that a lot of us have probably pondered. For me, like the OP, I don’t have any point of reference for a long term dev-pwd relationship. I have my 17 year relationship with my AB husband, but I don’t know what (if anything) would be different if he were disabled. Would my dev feelings wear off, die down, change, or become “an itch” for some new pwd, even if I had one at home? I’ve never had the opportunity to get past the New Relationship Energy stage with a pwd so it feels like a major apples-to-oranges comparison. Not to mention, the odds assessment on how feasible it would be to find someone compatible on all sides of the “triangle” (location, personality, physical attraction).

[ichbin]

Dec 24, 2022 18:49:44 GMT -5 junimo said:

Like, have you now or have ever been with a PWD who ticked all your dev boxes, was a person you connected with an emotional and intellectual level, and where you shared similar views and approaches to life? And then, let’s say all of that is good to go - does this one PWD really satisfy all your dev desires and needs on a long-term basis? 

That made me think...

My partner and I are very different in many ways.

One likes to travel, one doesn't.
One is a planner, one is spontaneous.
One is a night person and likes to sleep in, one gets to bed early and wakes up early. 
One is all tidy and the other one is chaotic.
One is adventurous, one likes routine and familiar paths.
One likes phone calls more than the other.
One likes alcohol, one doesn´t
One likes sweets, one doesn't.
...

It's all mixed up, it's a riddle who is who

Despite all these differences, I feel I connect with him on an emotional and intellectual level, also in general we share similar views and approaches to life. 

And most of all: he fully satisfies all my dev desires! It just makes me so happy to be around him. It's not only sexual ... I can't explain ... well, maybe I don't need to explain on this board. I see him in daily life, just rolling into the living room in his wheelchair, and it just makes me happy. He is so beautiful to me, and when I get to touch him, it's pure magic. Lying next to him in bed makes me feel so content and peaceful just by laying there - no AB man could make me feel that way just by existing basically.

So, you asked about long-term basis, and of course I don´t know ... 

But, as justmae put it, "for now, let it go down in PD internet history": my guy satisfies my "dev desires and needs" 100%