Pretenders

[Dani]

Since it's been a recent thing again for me, I'll put this here.
I'm really so tired of people "lying" to my face, pretending they are something they are not. It's disrespectful and selfish for pretenders to keep up their disability charade to stroke their ego and to test out how far they can go with a devotee. It's straight out traumatizing to me, because basically it's dealing with a liar. 
For me to make myself vulnerable as a devotee is a big deal and for a pretender to "play" with a non-suspecting devotee or community is simply very selfish and just mean. 
If they are not real, they either need to tell me or leave me alone. 

Here is my blog post regarding this if you are interested:

wordpress.com/read/feeds/115947179/posts/4045540087


How do you feel about this and how do you deal with it? Have you been lied to by someone pretending they are someone they are not? How did it go?

[ana]

Not exactly, i had an online friend years ago, but he was completely honest about being a wannabe, but yeah liars are the worst, is not the lie, is the reason behind it, the fact that the other person believe your naive or just stupid enough to fall for their lies, is an insult.

[Dani]

It's happened so many times over the years that pretenders approached me that I've basically stopped trusting anyone unless it's totally clear that the person is legit.

And usually very quickly, I can figure it out and if I confronted them, they lash out.

Of course, online, anyone can be who they want to be and hide behind their screens, fooling people and entire communities. It's not a good situation.

[ayla]

I’ve been contemplating writing an essay about my experiences with pretenders and my feelings about them, but I’m still not entirely sure what to think. In the abstract I have no problem with someone pretending, if that’s what they enjoy, but I do have a huge problem with being lied to and misled. I don’t understand their end goal in this behavior.

[not THAT violet]

The sad part is that yes, we’re vulnerable putting ourselves out there… but in some cases, the person we’re chatting with is an interesting person, period. There’s a part of me that kind of doesn’t care what they were faking because they were such fun to chat with about other things.

That just complicates an already complicated situation lol

It’s hard when all you want is to share ideas and respect with someone and suddenly the floor collapses under you - usually from something really minor.

[Dani]

It's one thing talking honestly with people about all kinds of topics, it's another thing if a pretender basically tests out on a dev how far they can go by pretending to be disabled; to me, that's very selfish

[feelsunshine]

First of all, not all pretenders are alike. Let’s specify, we’re talking about the assholes who fool others. I think everybody has the right to do what they like and what arouses them, as long as it’s not harmful to others. Fooling others included of course.
I once had some good chats with a pretender closeby and we almost met each other irl. But we both backed out. He was not ready to feel comfortable to use his wheelchair outside his apartment and I backed out because I realized that pretending wouldn’t do anything for me.

If you get fooled, I hate it too, and a few years ago, when I was starting to explore my devness, I found a guy on a disabled dating site who claimed he got into an accident years ago where he lost both legs and said he was blind on one eye since childhood. During the time we started writing, he claimed he lost eyesight on the other eye as well. I had a hard time to believe it, but I kind of trusted him. And stupid me, I never asked for a whole body image. I only had a photo of his face. At one point he never replied to messages anymore and didn’t answer any calls. He basically ghosted me.
Not so long ago, I found the “real” guy behind his photo somewhere online. So now I know at least that the other dude had stolen the photo and claimed to be someone else.

[ayla]

I agree with you feelsunshine, everybody can do what they want as long as it's not harmful to others. And I agree we may be blurring the lines here between pretending, deceiving others, and wannabes. I have no issue with the pretending (although I'm not interested in it either, it's just not for me). I only have a problem with people lying to me. I've called out many of them and tried to turn it into a productive conversation, asking them why they lied instead of just approaching me as someone who would likely be understanding of their eccentricities. They always try to put it back on me, that I wouldn't accept them or want them or that I think I'm better than they are...they often seem VERY entitled and repeat over and over that they "didn't ask to feel this way" as if that completely justifies lying to others and wasting their time for personal satisfaction. They also usually talk about how badly they want to be this other person, and when I suggest they are better off working on accepting who they really are rather than deceiving others into accepting a lie, they don't like this. Again, feeling entitled in a way to have a body that perfectly matches their fantasy. Maybe this is unpopular but I don't believe we are all entitled to have that. I support someone's right to alter their body in whatever way they want (plastic surgery, tattoos, body modification, gender reassignment, etc), and I even in theory support someone's right to become disabled if they so choose. However, there will always need to be some level of self acceptance bc some things are just not changeable. It always kinda baffles me how adamant people are that they NEED to be seen as disabled, but don't seem to grasp that many disabled people NEED to be seen as able-bodied but somehow manage to adjust...

[Dani]

100 % ayla  I've been in exactly the situation you described as well. 

It's not the pretending that bothers me, I don't care what they want to do; people have their things. What bothers me is the deception and the lying.

[eewee]

I'm new to this whole freedom to think I'm not sick, or gross being a devotee. So, as I read these posts, I am in shock that there are people out there who will intentionally string you along as a lie. Thank you for opening my eyes

[not THAT violet]

Dani, I’m still too new here to message you directly, but could you message me, please? Thanks.

[devogirl]

We try to keep the liars and catfishers out of this forum but they can be very persistent and some do get by us. We don't post all the red flags publicly because it just encourages them to be more sneaky. But watch out for anyone pursuing you aggressively. New members should be cautious about the possibility of encountering pretenders here. not THAT violet and anyone else, please message the mods right away if you receive PMs that make you uncomfortable or if you come across a fake profile here.

[ichbin]

I´ve encountered pretenders who lie and say they're disabled several times. The worst scenario was that someone stole the identity of a real quad. He even invented an e-mail address with his name in it. He sent me pictures of the guy making me believe it was him. He sent me a link to where the guy worked. I had no reason to not believe this was the guy. After a few e-mails he told me the truth. He said, this is not really him and he is also not a quad. I called the real quad to let him know what happened with his name / identity. The fake guy however, disappeared... nobody knows of course, who he really was...

Just like ayla put it, I, too, don’t understand their end goal in this behavior.

[ayla]

My advice is: never underestimate how far people will go to fool you. If you want more specific red flags, talk to another female dev in person or via video -- someone you trust. Likewise for those of us giving advice, don't share your tips unless you are absolutely certain who you're sharing them with. Otherwise as devogirl says, it could be a pretender who you're now teaching how to fool others even better.

[dannyboy95]

I also don't mind pretenders in general. Especially people who have full fetched BIID must have it rather difficult. However, I do mind being lied to and used. It is beyond dissappoining and frustrating. It's always the same story. There is always a reason why they can't or don't want to share a current picture or videocall, or meet in real life, although supposedly living in the neighbor town. There will always be a point where they will run out of excuses.

But I am also careful, as I have before been very suspicious of people seeming "too good to be true" but then turned out real and very benign.

So there isn't really a "one size fits all" solution. For me, what's kind of the givaway is, if they seem really interested in you and claim that they even wanna meet and all. But in the end they always just "want to just chat a little bit longer" and "want to get to know you better" but they just never move forward at all. Also if they ask what you would "wanna do with them" and at some point probably got off of you talking about it and they ghost you for days.