I think it’s about time

[bee]

Hello,

I’ve rewritten this introduction too many times but always ended up never posting. I’m a 25 year old female from London, finally coming out as a devotee.

I guess I’ve known what (or who) I am for a while. But also spent most of that time forcing myself into some sort of auto conversion therapy. Clearly hasn’t worked out. I’ve recently (very recent) ended a long term relationship and got a bit lost, realising that one of the main reasons the relationship ended was my lack of interest, physical and emotional, towards my able-bodied partner. He was great. He is great. He’s not dead. But I did feel like I was dead whenever I had to be intimate with him. I would always close my eyes and imagine someone else, or even worse: him but with a disability. It felt wrong.

Before him, with the infamous dating apps, I’d always swipe left on every person. Always boring and frustrating, always felt like they were missing something. Then a very handsome guy in a wheelchair superliked me. It felt like a dream. I couldn’t believe it. We got along more than I expected and used to call each other almost every day until we finally agreed to go on a date. My hands were sweating and I probably looked at the mirror 50 times before I left the house. He seemed confident at first, we went for drinks and food and spent the whole day together. By the end of the night we’re both drunk and he started to open up. Very vulnerable and insecure. He cried. And I felt like the worst person that ever existed. Was I taking advantage of him? He had no idea about my “”inclinations””. We kissed. Never saw each other again. After that I gave up on trying to meet another disabled guy.

But now that I’m single again, I can’t help myself looking for a sign of a wheelchair at the corner of the pictures of guys on tinder. It’s exhausting and a bit maniac, but I also don’t want to go back to dating men I have no interest in.

Can anyone give me an advice on how stop thinking if I don’t find “the one” I’ll never be (romantically speaking) happy?

[Dani]

Welcome bee it's great you had the courage to sign on. You're in the right place with people who understand. Though we are all different, I'm sure almost every woman on here can relate to this in some way or another.
I don't have any advice on how to stop thinking about not finding the one.
There are many women here in happy relationships with PWD and AB persons, so happiness is definitely possible on all fronts. How you define your happiness and what you do to be happy at whichever time of your life you are in is up to you. I think mostly it's about loving yourself and being happy with who you are, then the other things will work themselves out somehow.

[bee]

Mar 15, 2023 18:40:56 GMT -5 Dani said:

Welcome bee it's great you had the courage to sign on. You're in the right place with people who understand. Though we are all different, I'm sure almost every woman on here can relate to this in some way or another.
I don't have any advice on how to stop thinking about not finding the one.
There are many women here in happy relationships with PWD and AB persons, so happiness is definitely possible on all fronts. How you define your happiness and what you do to be happy at whichever time of your life you are in is up to you. I think mostly it's about loving yourself and being happy with who you are, then the other things will work themselves out somehow.

Thank you Dani! I definitely am happy other aspects of my life, no doubt. But the idea of not finding “the one” has been freaking me out lately lol

[Julia]

Welcome! I am just a year older than you and definitely understand your fears! Before my relationship I would swipe and swipe trying to find the needle in the hay stack. I thought I was super messed up looking for pwds but after each failed AB relationship (and joining this site) I had to tell myself maybe it was ok if I was a dev.

Funny enough, the pwds I met on dating apps never worked out (nothing in common, not over their ex, too different life paths, lived too far, etc). Some of them were very nice guys and had fun dating adventures.

Life is wild, you never know where or how you'll meet someone. You could end up talking to someone online and by chance turns out to be a pwd (dev fiction plot), you could meet them at a bar, at an adaptive sporting event, maybe here on PD, you never know.

Hang in there and have fun browsing PD!

[koala]

After a failed AB marriage, I had to come to terms with my devness, as well. I felt that same desperate desire to find my perfect PWD but had pretty much convinced myself it would never happen. I joined a couple of dating sites just to see what was out there and kept being drawn to one specific guy. I couldn't tell from his pictures or profile that he was a wheelchair user, but something about him just seemed different and really drew me in. I reached out, and after a few messages back and forth, he disclosed his disability to me. We ended up dating, getting married, and having an amazing life together. You just never know when your perfect person will come into your life, but don't give up hope.

[newjess]

bee, I'm so glad that you did decide to post your intro today ❤. I have a very similar story and relate so much to what you wrote. It is daunting to not only begin coming to terms with this part of you, but also to think through what it means for your future.

Not too long ago, I was truly convinced that the odds of finding a person that checked all my boxes were slim to none. I also wondered if I'd ever be able to be satisfied in a relationship with an able-bodied person.

For some context: when I joined here in 2016, I was 27 and had just come out of a long term, monogamous, cis-het relationship and had completely repressed my dev and bisexual desires.

It has not been the easiest path, but I'm finally finding myself in a place where things are making sense. I have had relationships with both disabled and able-bodied people since joining here, and completely unexpectedly have found myself in a sexually satisfying relationship with an able-bodied guy this year. But I also am exploring ethical non-monogamy and am excited to continue dating PWDs as well as women and gender expansive folks, to live my most authentic life as a dev and as a bisexual person.

It all started with posting my intro here, which I was also very nervous to do. So glad you made your way here!

[devogirl]

Mar 15, 2023 18:28:07 GMT -5 bee said:

Can anyone give me an advice on how stop thinking if I don’t find “the one” I’ll never be (romantically speaking) happy?

Welcome bee. I also came out in my mid 20s and spent years worrying about finding the one and certain that I would be alone and unhappy forever. All my friends kept telling me I would eventually meet someone and to stop worrying over it. I didn't believe them but in retrospect they were correct. It's why wrote Devo Diary, for other devs to not feel alone in this struggle and maybe learn from my many bad choices.

I think the only way to stop obsessing over the one is to put yourself out there and meet lots of PWDs in real life, not just online. Make friends, get involved with activities where PWDs will be, with the intention of just meeting people and not necessarily dating. You have the advantage of living in a big city, so go for it.

[ichbin]

Hi bee

first and foremost I am so glad you signed up. And posted!

I can relate so much to what you've written. I, however, was much older than you when I found PD (32yrs old) and even older when I decided I wanted a PWD partner (42yrs) by my side.

It was a mixture of really knowing who I am / what I want AND addressing my issues regarding self worth / men in my life in a therapy AND searching for "my PWD" on all kinds of dating sites AND starting to play wheelchair basketball that lead to ending up in a relationship with a truly lovable para.

You asked for an advice on how to stop thinking if you don’t find “the one” you’ll never be (romantically speaking) happy.

I would say, keep up your dreams and go for it, meaning: meet PWD in real life - and not just the ones where you assume there could be "the one" amongst them. Just to make the whole thing more real. Not so much in your head or connecting online. I am sure you have plenty of opportunities in London to go to sport events for disabled.

[bee]

Mar 15, 2023 19:25:22 GMT -5 Julia said:

Welcome! I am just a year older than you and definitely understand your fears! Before my relationship I would swipe and swipe trying to find the needle in the hay stack. I thought I was super messed up looking for pwds but after each failed AB relationship (and joining this site) I had to tell myself maybe it was ok if I was a dev.

Funny enough, the pwds I met on dating apps never worked out (nothing in common, not over their ex, too different life paths, lived too far, etc). Some of them were very nice guys and had fun dating adventures.

Life is wild, you never know where or how you'll meet someone. You could end up talking to someone online and by chance turns out to be a pwd (dev fiction plot), you could meet them at a bar, at an adaptive sporting event, maybe here on PD, you never know.

Hang in there and have fun browsing PD!

Thanks Julia, I’m glad I’m not alone. I guess dating apps are hell for everyone then.

[atlwheelin]

You've certainly found the right place to be understood by fellow like minded women, and men who fit the description of "the one" you seem to be longing for. The best advice I could give you is to allow yourself to explore those feelings you've had suppressed for such a long time. This place is a safe haven for most devs here where they don't have to worry about preconceived notions. Just be yourself and I'm certain you'll do just fine.

Prepare for your inbox to be flooded. That's just what guys tend to do, whether it be an AB(Abled Bodied) or a PWD (Persons With Disability). Welcome to our humble abode!

[mnquad07]

the heart wants what the heart wants

[lisa]

Welcome!

The former posts all have great advice. I would like to add that for me "being open to dating ABs" was not really an option, because I can't really muster any sexual attraction to ABs, it just doesn't happen. So if you should find yourself in this circumstance, I wouldn't necessarily say you should continue to date ABs. I did for some time and it wasn't the worst decision, but I wouldn't go back to it again, if I had the choice. If you can be sexually satisfied with an AB guy, it probably is the easier road to take (I mean - they are everywhere :P) and I can imagine that this is the road I would have gone, would it have been possible.

Finding a PWD partner who fits on an emotional, sexual and general lifewise level is so hard, maybe impossible. But don't give up hope. It happens and it did happen for some of us. And when you do, it probably will be an unbelievable feeling of belonging and being in the right place. That's what I was lucky enough to experience a few times.

[sungod]

Welcome, bee ! Thank you for being so open on your first post. I hope that you'll enjoy interacting with us even more than reading posts before now.

Once you've discovered and uncovered your dev side, there's probably not much you can do to cover it back up and pretend it doesn't exist. Sorry to hear that it has been a struggle for you, but this thread has clearly shown that you're not alone.

From the PWD side, we can also relate. Just as it can feel more hopeless than a needle in a haystack when you're swiping left through dating apps to find a wheelchair, it's even tougher for us PWD that would love to find a sweet, compatible dev that's interested in us for what's on both the inside and the outside. With every right swipe, hoping you might be flagging someone that will be thrilled to see your wheelchair front and center.

I'm here to echo what others have said, just from the other side: do continue to explore relationships with AB guys to see if something to see if something might fit, but you never have to give up hope that the right disabled guy might roll into your life

[not THAT violet]

Mar 16, 2023 13:36:27 GMT -5 sungod said:

[Y]ou never have to give up hope that the right disabled guy might roll into your life

That’s a bit limiting, though, isn’t it? Maybe he uses crutches! Maybe he limps! (casting eyes meaningfully in the direction of the Midwestern US).

[sungod]

not THAT violet perhaps I am biased toward the case for rolling PWD Feel free to replace "roll" with whichever verb seems most suitable!