Dev "cured"?!

[dolly]

hey charlene.

sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship.

it's impossible to analyze the situation without knowing more, but my first instinct is to guess that it was this guy's own insecurity and lack of effort that was more of a factor than his actual disability. and those problems can certainly exist with AB guys too.

either way, you probably need time to just sit with what happened for a while. distance brings perspective. i'm interested to see how it turns out. nothing wrong with keeping the dev-thing as "fantasy only" if that's what feels right to you in the end.

[georgia]

Sorry you had to go through this. Again, as Dolly said, hard to make a judgment...but I'll do it anyway. It could well be that he thought he was "too disabled" to be with you. Then again, there's no reason why you had to do all the work. He should have been helping with decisions and making plans of his own. Don't know how recent his injury was, but it could well be that he's depressed.

I was married to an AB guy. I kept my devness a secret, although I've since learned that he's engaged to a woman who has a disability. Hm.

[devogirl]

Sorry to hear it. I too have sometimes felt after a particularly nasty break-up that I am done with disabled guys. If a guy has a lot of major self-esteem issues (for instance thinking he's "too disabled" to be in a relationship), hasn't adjusted well to his disability, or hasn't sorted out the carer/lover balance, then the relationship probably will fail, no matter what you do. It's also really common for insecure, depressed people (disabled or not) to sabotage the relationship by saying the most hurtful things to you. As Dolly said, this can happen with AB guys too, but because disability is such a major factor, it does seem to happen more often. Just remember that those are his issues, and don't let a hurtful breakup make you lose sight of yourself and what's important to you.

However, that's very different from saying "devo cured" or resolving to "keep it inside." First, saying "cure" implies that devoness is a disease. The general consensus today seems to be that sexual preferences can't be changed completely or eradicated, although you can control how you choose to express it and whether you are at peace with it or continually fight it. Second, common sense as well as testimonials of many members of this board suggest that any attempts to suppress devo feelings is doomed to failure. Forcing yourself to "keep it inside" in a negative way (because you feel like you shouldn't or can't or aren't allowed to have a disabled partner) will only increase obsessive thoughts.

On the other hand, as we discussed elsewhere, most of us go through cycles, and often those devo feelings lie dormant. In that case, ideally, you feel like you could act on it if you wanted to, but it's not the only thing in your life you need to be happy. It seems to me that the most healthy way to approach relationships is to be open to dating an AB guy, but in a positive way, because he has something to offer you, not because you feel like you're settling or living in denial. At the same time, you have to be at peace with your devo feelings, no matter who you're dating.

[faith]

Charlene- I am sorry your relationship didn't work out.

The subject line of your post caught my eye... WHY in the world would we WANT to be "cured"? I agree with devogirl- it isn't a disease to be cured... but even if it was.... I would not go in for treatment!

[BA]

Hi Charlene. I am sorry that your relationship came to an end as well. I think Devogirl explained how I feel about the entire situation very well. It sounds like this guy did not have a particularly great sense of self-worth. I have been with a few guys who were like this (both able and disabled) , but I managed to leave these relationships pretty quickly, once I got the sense that we were not going to be on any sort of equal footing.

You bring up something really interesting when you said you organized and did everything. At first that has sometimes felt really noble and rewarding for me, but it wears out its welcome pretty quickly and turns into some real resentment.

I can never be "cured". My devness waxes and wanes like phases of the moon, but it is always there and I don't want to be rid of it. I have gone through periods when I felt that I never wanted to be with anyone with a disability again because of the emotional investment I had made in something that didn't work out.

I was in one of these phases when I met and married my husband (who is NOT disabled and who therefore is NOT able to scratch my devo itch at all). I love him very much indeed, but that element is still missing in a big way and at times it gnaws at me terribly. There is a "right" person out there who can both give and recieve and who can contribute as much to the relationship as you do. It make time some time and patience to find it. Pickings are slim. Don't give up. Take it from me, the Dev urge is always there and it isn't going to go away.

[devogirl]

Very interesting discussion.... so AB when you married Mr. AB, you said you were in a "waning" period.... so had you been in a relationship with a wheeler before you met him? Did you feel at the time that you had been "cured" or were repressing it, or did you think about the devo itch returning later? Sorry to pry, but I am curious.

[charlene]

Thank you so much for your answers!
You girls are adorable

I guess by "I'm too disabled" he was actually saying "I'm too lazy to get a job and move out of my momma's house".

Dolly, as u said you're interested in how it turns out: Right now he's begging to get me back, making promisses and all...
I decided to just wait and see if any changes are really be made.

Devogirl, I'm not saying it's a desease, it just felt like a relief, because he always used to point out what we CAN'T do instead of concentrating on what we CAN do.

And AB and Devogirl, I'm wondering, too.
Let's say I met Mister AB Right, now in a waning period, would I regret/miss something later on?

[faith]

"Let's say I met Mister AB Right, now in a waning period, would I regret/miss something later on?"

Yes... yes, you would feel like you settled... like you missed out.
I speak from past personal experience.

[BA]

faith said:

"Let's say I met Mister AB Right, now in a waning period, would I regret/miss something later on?"

Yes... yes, you would feel like you settled... like you missed out.
I speak from past personal experience.

First, in answer to Devogirl. Great questions and no, you are not prying.

Since the age of 23 I have never discriminated in my dating and have gone out with both disabled and non-disabled men. I knew my attraction was there and had no name for it, but I also had no qualms about giving in to it. I had one really super terrific relationship with a wheeler guy when I was in my 20's. My first non-AB and it was a real good pop of my cherry. We were both young and stupid and in no way prepared to make any major commitments to anything. The sex was incredible, the relationship tumultous and crazy.

Shortly before meeting my husband I did date a self-proclaimed successful and independent C5/6 quad who basically had MY life planned for me by the third date. We lived over an hour apart and much of our time spent together were weekends and got a pretty good idea of what his life was like. He did alot of lying about his life in general ie. work, finances and degree of independence (example: he had a lovely house but had HIS elderly parents living with HIM and doing his caretaking). I feel that he sold me a package of goods and would have been better off purchasing a foreign bride/nurse. He dug into me with deep claws and a heavy guilt trip. When I realized that he was jealous of my relationship with my DOG, I high-tailed it out of there. He was not, however, the last relationship I had before I met my present husband. I dated a number of able-bodied guys as well. I wasn't really clicking with anyone at the time. I shelved everything to the 'back-burner', if you will. At the time I think I was fairly convinced that the right disabled guy didn't exist and my husband wandered into the picture. We started dating, we had many common interests and I was very attracted to him (however, you know I could have been MORE attracted to him IF...) but it was just easy between us. We got along without alot of drama. We had both been previously divorced and understood eachother's need for space. Subsequently I conceived and bore our child and that kind of sealed the deal.

Was I in a dev lull when I met him? Yep. Should I have waited until Mr. Knight in Shining Chair came my way? I don't know. My child is an incredible gift and I wouldn't trade her for anything. On the other hand, my itch is still there and it sometimes needs a desperate scratching.... to the point where I have asked my husband if I could go and scratch it. Of course, this upsets him because it's called "cheating" and rightfully so. So I don't scratch my itch and when it comes on strong and heavy I fantasize instead. Who knows what the future will bring. Right now I am in this place for a reason and I believe it's about focusing on raising my child and not about fufilling my fantasies at this moment in time. So, this board really helps me vent some of those frustrations.

Let's face facts. There are fewer disabled guys and probably still fewer with a personality and needs that will mesh wonderfully with ours. I realized after dating a number of disabled guys that I overlooked things in them that I would be much less likely overlook in an AB guy. Was this reverse discrimation or was I just willing to overlook things because I knew my itch was being scratched? If I have to be really honest with myself ( I guess I do), then I'd have to say that the dis guys got away with alot more crap that I'd not have tolerated with an AB guy because that itch was being scratched.

The net/net of this: I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted an emotionally sound, independent, financially stable (not rich), good looking, well groomed, intelligent, humorous, intensely sensual/sexual wheeler who wanted to be a Father and who could fully help me raise a child. Not possible for me in this lifetime to have all that. Therefore I pushed the devo itch to the side, willed it NOT TO EXIST and married the guy with all the above except the wheels. The itch came back. That which is repressed must always be expressed. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK.

[devogirl]

Thanks AB for sharing your thoughts and experiences so honestly. I suppose everyone (devo and otherwise) wants to have it all, and to be trite, you can't always get what you want. This is true for just about everyone. Repressing is not the answer, but there must be a way to find some balance. As I recall we used to have some members who were happy with their AB husbands, but they seem not to be posting anymore.

And Charlene, don't go back to a crappy dysfunctional relationship just because he's a wheeler. That's not a good solution either.