How far would you go????

[natasha]

Just thinking:
How far away do you think you will take a relationship with a wheeler?? Just figuring out that the main reason you're with the guy is because of your devness, but u actually have a relationship with him and like him a lot...
if he pop the big question of marry him, do you think you will do it and be with a wheeler which you can always satisfy your devs urges?? or you will really have to think about commit if it isn't really real love?.....

believe me or not I had a situation like that...my ex and I used to talk about serious things like marriage and I would of think of how far I would be able to go with this whole thing....???Maybe sounds crazy for some but it Kept me thinking more than I thought I would actually!.....

[BA]

After reading your interesting post, I'm left feeling that you are asking me: "Do you REALLY take these guys SERIOUSLY, or are they just a sexual fantasy for you?" A good question and my answer is YES, I take these guys as seriously as I take my own feelings.

First, I would NOT be with in a serious relationship with a wheeler just because of my devness. It would have to be based on a true blending of personalities, attraction, common interests etc,. etc. The same standards that apply to able bodied men, apply to wheelers for me. As for how FAR I would go. If I were that in love and felt that he were the right person for me, of course, I'd get married. If I were younger, the only thing I'd want to discuss before making that committment would be to ensure that he wanted to have a child (whether his own, via adoption or artificial insemination) because family is very important to me. All relationships take work and they don't take any less work even when the devness factor is brought into the equation.

I have been in one SERIOUS relationship with a wheeler and it was quite a number of years ago. We both took it seriously and the reason for the ending of the relationship had nothing to do with his disability but rather that we had very different goals for the future. We parted amicably after 4 years together.

[Ciao Bella]

I'm currently in a very serious relationship with a para, and whilst we met through this site (and I am eternally grateful for that fact), we also decided to actually try to get beyond the "dev" aspect of my attraction to him. I am glad we gave ourselves a fair go because we realized that we do like (more than like) each other, despite and inspite of the chair.

We have had serious talks about where we want to be in the future and we both want a permanent relationship together. I believe that we are both very fortunate to have found each other.

As for my "devness", I think I'll always be a dev, but because he satisfies me in that regard, I am no longer actively seeking chair-users. As for living with him, everything just seems so right, and it's not because I'm overlooking the facts of living with a para. There's no explaining in simple words. It just feels so right, I KNOW it is right.

So to answer your question, I will go as far as being with him till my last breath. Oh, and did I mention kids in the plan?

[charlene]

absinthe said:

After reading your interesting post, I'm left feeling that you are asking me: "Do you REALLY take these guys SERIOUSLY, or are they just a sexual fantasy for you?" A good question and my answer is YES, I take these guys as seriously as I take my own feelings.

AB is right! The question is do I take them serious.

And for me the question is: Does the love and understanding I get make up for all the loss there is (I mean all the things u can't do and all the things u gotta take into consideration)?

A mariage is a huge commitment and I'm not sure if I'm ever gonna take that step, due maybe to the fact that my parents are divorced, my aunt's divorced, some of my friends are already divorced.
It kinda makes u stop believing that love would last a lifetime...

But all this has nothing to do with the fact that I would say "yes" to a para/quad if the time/place/love/etc was right...
Oh yes i would!

Edited because my english sucks

[xana]

ok i have never technically been in a relationship with a wheeler (where we have met and live together like some of you) but it will be like any other relationship to me. ok i will be into him if i ever meet him that is, cause of my devness but operative word here being into him and being iin love completely different. if i am not in love, i will never ever say yes to a marriage proposal. marriage is a huge commitment and i believe if ever i say i do it will be because i love and trust that someone completely. like you Charlene my mum just got divorced and most of my friends parents are divorced. it scares me really divorce i mean, because i want it to last til death do us part not when divorce do us part. but if ever i fall in love, which i have yet to have that pleasure (at my age i wonder if it will ever happen but i am hopeful) i will say yes if the question (marriage) was ever asked without any fear (cause we would know, trust and love each other of course this needs to be something mutual it will never work if it is one sided).

so i will say yes if all those element were present

[faith]

I am no expert here as I have never been with a wheeler, but, if I was here is where I would not agree.... "Just figuring out that the main reason you're with the guy is because of your devness".

Maybe my devness is A reason I am with him, or possibly the initial reason I might have been attracted to him, but there has to be a LOT more. If devness were the only issue it would be totally shallow.

Devness for me isn't the main reason. It is the icing on the cake when all the other things fall into place.

[natasha]

Thank you ladies for your responses ..I definitely think this is something really serious, of course because is another person involve and I don't think we want to hurt anybody ...
And yeah, I lived for a while with my ex boyfriend who's a para and like some of u said it felt totally right!... I enjoyed every minute of it.....But I also never forgot how we met and it was me who look for him in a website, even though we had a good relationship and I swear I loved him, I always had that little guilty feeling because he didn't know I was a Dev! I know he had hes suspects but it wasn't until a lot later I "kind of told him".... I guess thats why we have to be honest,huh? because any relationship were is something so important like this and the other person don't know, I guess can be totally succesful... not all guys are so understanding about this ans we know that...I thought about getting married with him but that thoughts always hold me back...

Isabelle, do your boyfriend knows you're a Dev??

[Ciao Bella]

Hi Natasha, yes he knows I'm a dev, as we did meet on this board. But like I said, we both got over that and once we got to know each other, we were both lucky enough to realize that we do love each other. We have been together for 8 months now, and living together for 4. I think that when a person with a disability knows that their partner is a dev, it helps in the sexual exploration. I think that they would not be as shy or uncomfortable in that regard.

We go through the usual ups and downs that come with a new relationship, but we pull out of it together and closer. I'd like to say that him being a para doesn't factor in our relationship at all, because to some extent it does. I like to view it as we take each other as a whole package - taking the good with the not so good.

[natasha]

Hello Isabelle:)

Oh so you met him in here! thats so cool!!...Then its a lot easier..I loved my ex boyfriend but I knew that me not been completely open about this with him was a mistake...If was any other superficial relationship I wouldn't say anything....

Congratulations on your relationship! ;DI wish you the very best!!! and of course when the real love is there u can make it work in the long run....

[Ciao Bella]

Thank you Natasha! I guess if we didn't take the chance in meeting up, we wouldn't be where we are now. And yes, it does make it easier if both of you are from this board - there won't be much explaining to do LOL

[dolly]

i'm not really the type to be in a relationship that i don't think is going anywhere or where i'm not totally into the guy as a person first. i would go as far with a wheeler who i was serious and crazy about as i would with anyone else i was serious and crazy about.

and ya, the decision to be upfront about our devness is a tricky one and a personal one. i think i might have to make that decision on an individual basis. i have only casually dated wheelers and have not ever "come out" to them. if the relationships had continued i would have wrestled with that decision and may very well have made different decisions depending on the guy.

i would be grateful to hear other devs' input or experiences in this matter. but maybe that belongs in a separate thread....

[dolly]

p.s.

nice to see you back, isabelle. congrats on your relationship and continued happiness to both of you.

[honeycutle]

I think being a dev is more a sexual attraction or a tender feeling towards wheelchair users or so. Then actually liking someone for who they are has nothing to do with their able bodied ness , it's just that as a devo u will consider a wheeler romantically and sexually as well

[Pij02]

How far would I go? The answer is the same as with any non-dev influenced relationship. I would never marry a man. I have absolutely, positively zero belief in that institution. I would become involved intimately, I would even share a home with someone. I would even plan for that arrangement to be permanent. However, I would never agree to marry anyone or have children. I am many things but a wife and mother are not on the list.

Why is it that people have to have ritual and ceremony to consecrate a union? I realize there is an unlimited pension in the human species for elaborate ritual. Everything is ritualized from having children to inaugurating a President to buying a house to becoming a year older. I realize that is important to MANY people but that gene has no obvious phenotypic effects in me.

If I was in a relationship the man would have to understand that I will commit myself to him on a personal, intimate and meaningful level. However, I am not interested in a the role of "wife" and I am not interested in a "typical marriage". I have many friends (I hesitate to call them friends because they are family in all but blood) in my life that I love with a passion and would die before loosing. I don't remember having to stand at an alter and have a bunch a meaningless words recited over me for that bond to form. For me the same is true of a romantic relationship.

Also, I don't think I would have any guilt about being with someone because of my dev attraction to him. In all actuality that wouldn't really be true. I would imagine only a few people stay with someone they are not compatible with just because of a sexual attraction.

Would a guy who likes blonde hair and large breasts stay with a woman he couldn't stand just because of his physical attraction to her? Probably not. In fact the physical attraction would probably diminish as he became aware of her egregious personality. However, if he were a Lothario he might continue using her as a strictly sexual object but I doubt her would describe the arrangement, to himself or others, as a "serious relationship".

Sexual attraction is like the gatekeeper of a relationship. It may turn away many potential mates at the door. Once someone gets through, because you are attracted to them, the measure rapidly shifts away from physical attraction to personality and compatibility.

If you are still physically attracted to someone a year into the relationship it is a fair bet that you are at least somewhat compatible. I have seen a lot of guys that I thought were extremely attractive until they opened their mouth. After that it was almost like watching them transform before my very eyes into the hideous thing befitting of the verbal bile they were spewing.

As a side note...

As you can see I am a bit verbose. I know this can get a bit tiresome and I will try to look at my posts with a compressing eye. However, I fear this is an enterprise doomed to failure. I am sure I will say more than most will care to read. If you begin to doze off part way through perhaps a dose of B12 or an espresso would be in order? Or perhaps you can just skim.

~Paige

[Samantha]

Well I did marry the first wheeler I had the chance to have a relationship with. There are times I regret it. I wish I would have had more experiences in my life. To fall in love over and over. I have done that with ab men but the first time I dated a wheeler I fell in head first and thought is was perfect wonderful and amazing. Don't get me wrong me and tommy get along like 2 peas but I said yes very young b4 I found this site. I thought he was the only wheeler I could really love and have a true relationship with. Now I only have this site and my imagination to fulfill my dev need for fuel and spark. Cause after awhile a relationship looses its umff ya know. And I'm a bit of a thrill junky. So in my rambling I think I am getting at I'm a a yes?