demoiselle
New Member
Posts: 4
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by demoiselle on Jul 28, 2024 17:39:57 GMT -5
I'm so glad to hear you say this. I wanted to chime in about this, but didn't want to rain on your parade. A lot of what you say is so relatable, such as finding yourself truly attracted to someone for the first time. It's all sooo wonderful. However, him saying he was most attracted to your comfort with his disability gave me a major case of the heebie jeebies. I've been on the receiving end of a comment like that many times, and in time I almost always discovered that he didn't actually like me for being a funny/bright/interesting/kind person... he liked the services and experiences that I provided him. Yeah, I'm definitely watching out for it, and trying not to go too deep too fast, because I know it's all so new and intense to me that I may be at risk for overlooking attitudes I otherwise wouldn't—I do want a guy to like me for ME, I don't appreciate the "you're not like other girls" attitude. I think finding out about devoteeism and PD at such an early age made me less likely to fall for that bullshit, but I know I STILL am overwhelmed by all of it lol And this right here is why I thought it was interesting to have the guys, especially some of the PD vets who have been here a long time and can give a (mostly) unbiased opinion on guys' attitudes, chime in too Like, is that total BS on his part, or should I 'overlook it' as I analyze his full context as a guy with a disability (a congenital one, too) And also thank you for everyone's insight so far, btw!
|
|
tc123
New Member
Posts: 3
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by tc123 on Jul 29, 2024 11:03:13 GMT -5
Hi demoiselle , I recreated my account when I saw this post so that I could respond and share a little from my experiences. Especially the red flags part. My story is a little different but we definitely share some similarities! I wasn’t an “aware” dev when I first started dating my now-husband (a paraplegic). I was a college student at the time studying in a disability/healthcare related field and I worked a disability related job when we met. (I thought my interest in disability was more clinical and wasn’t connected to sexuality at all at the time). So he knew all of these things about me and it was just who I was. But I never told him about my deep repressed feelings and fantasies I had about disability since I was very young. I knew there was something different about me when it came to disability, but with no internet it’s hard to find an exact definition to what you’re feeling. I never planned on telling him or anyone for that matter. After we were married, all of my dev feelings just went away. I literally forgot I was ever obsessed with disability and all of those thoughts disappeared completely. Then, fast forward and we were a few months away from celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary and a friend from my past says something on Facebook about a tv show with deaf characters, so I decided to watch it and EVERYTHING came flooding back and the dev inside was reawakened. Now I could search the internet and discovered this place and it was the first time everything came together for me and I figured it out. I was a dev and I had to tell him. So I did a few weeks later, in a very casual way…. “So, I found this website….” He knew of “chair chasers” but didn’t think I was one. It was a very short convo the first time, which left me a little disappointed. But over time, I was able to bring it up in more depth and share with him some things that I never told him before. It’s not something I’d say he “likes” but it’s part of me and he doesn’t put much more than into it than that. Now, I can’t imagine ever entering a relationship with an AB or Pwd and not telling them about it somewhat early on. But believe me, I understand how hard it is to tell someone who isn’t already pro-dev. It’s so scary. But, if he can’t be ok with this part of you that might change your feelings for him too. As for the red flags, I agree to be cautious and my ears did perk up a bit when you said that about the helping with the chair. I get it, because that daily stuff is a big deal to someone who maybe dated someone before and treated them like those things were a chore. My husband had told me back then that he dated a woman who often complained about his rough dirty hands etc. When they find someone who is eager to problem solve and isn’t freaked out about certain parts of disability, that’s the stuff that sticks out. My husband made a few joking comments before we got married like “I decided I might need a caregiver one day,” that really bothered me and worried me too. But I knew this was far from the main reason we were together, even if it had truth to it. Now, we have celebrated our 20th anniversary and clearly we both are in it for more than the “disability/caregiver” roles, but we have both benefitted from them for sure. Yes, we met before you were born lol. Anyway this was way longer than I intended, but I related to your message and wanted to give you a similar story on the other side of telling him. Welcome! Let us know how it goes when you do tell him.
|
|
scarletfire
New Member
Posts: 22
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
|
Post by scarletfire on Aug 12, 2024 10:04:43 GMT -5
I don't think you are obligated to tell him as some kind of coming out confession. You don't owe it to the larger dev community to do it in that way if you don't think it makes sense. There are very few people in the world who understand devness in the way that it's understood here. Telling him to get it off your chest might only transfer the anxiety you have around it to him. You may feel good that you no longer have a secret to keep, but since he doesn't know much about devs, now he will be the one worrying and wondering what this all means about you, him, and your relationship. Just as you are worried his comments about liking you for your comfort with disability, he'll probably see you being into him specifically for his disability as a potential red flag.
I was in basically your exact same situation. I had never had many opportunities to meet guys with disabilities, and then I magically found myself finally in a relationship with one, and one who I really really liked. He didn't know I was a dev, and I knew he didn't know anything about them other than the term. He was quite well adjusted, but definitely didn't see being disabled as a positive. He had an SCI, and not at a particularly young age, so he didn't see the disability as a part of him. I think your situation will be much easier with Spina bifida since people with congenital disabilities are more likely to see the disability as an integral part of who they are and not separate from themselves.
I knew my guy was not the type to enjoy long, serious, philosophical discussions. Serious talks like that make people feel uncomfortable and tense. He also isn't the type to spend hours reading things on the Internet, like this site. I don't see being a dev as some huge part of who I am or something shameful. I wanted to let my boyfriend know I was a dev in a way that also let him see what devotees are and do it in a positive way because I think it's a good thing for an interabled relationship.
I started by always telling him the things I liked about him as a person, his personality, character, and the things we had in common. I also told him about the physical aspects I was attracted to that aren't related to disability. About once every couple of weeks I would also say something I liked about disability, like that I thought his push gloves were hot, I liked his legs, and that he looked sexy pushing his chair. I told him I wouldn't necessarily be any more attracted to him physically if he were able bodied. I told him I thought the disability had positive aspects, like more intimacy and better communication. One time I had a conversation with him about how I was surprised by how incredibly attracted to him I was and how a lot of people might find that surprising given the SCI. I asked him what he thought about me being so into his body even though there were aspects of it he didn't like himself. I spaced all these things out.
I then told him I had read some personal accounts of female devotees on the Internet and that I identified with some of the things they said. He asked if I was one, and I said I probably fall somewhere on the spectrum. He didn't like that so much. It wasn't a huge deal, but it was clear he still wasn't comfortable with the idea. I kept on with this strategy saying things like, I enjoy watching wheelchair sports more than AB sports but also making it clear I thought we had a strong emotional connection. I told him I joined an online community of devs. He asked why since he didn't think I was one. I said, I'm not not one. I would also tell him stories from time to time about PWDs I had encountered in real life, news articles I remembered reading on the Internet, and movies I had watched about PWDs and how they affected my views on disability. Eventually we had a talk where I said I was attracted to disability. He didn't really like that and even said, "so you're with me because I use a wheelchair." Then I said, "no, I also have to be attracted to the person." His response: "so you like me because I use a wheelchair and am decently good looking." Over time, he eventually understood and accepted it. Now he will point out other wheelers in public for me and has said things like "you're a freak attracted to me, another freak" with a totally light-hearted joking tone.
I think he knows I wasn't totally upfront in the beginning, but he never had a problem with it because he knows he wouldn't have taken it well. Hopefully the guy you're seeing is more at peace with his disability, but I knew for my relationship, telling him outright in a single big serious conversation wasn't the right approach. Anyway, that's my two cents. Others might value complete and total honesty more, but I personally valued the potential to grow and change thinking about devs and disability more since I knew telling this particular guy might only make him pull away, never learn more about devs, and continue seeing his disability as a negative.
Also, you should join the Discord server. There's a very active and actually private Devs Only channel.
|
|
|
Post by mnquad07 on Aug 12, 2024 13:16:57 GMT -5
welcome to this place, hope it helps you. I'm not a professional, and never played one on TV, but I think one of the most important parts in a relationship is communication and honesty. I think y'all should talk in the open. It may help both of you, in the end. You get to be open and honest and share some very personal things which might strengthen the relationship. It may make him more comfortable with you both. Non-dev & non-PWD may find things odd here but it doesn't just help dev's. I feel, in my situation with my disability, a dev would make me feel more comfortable as they know a lot about my disability and may find my insecurities and physical problems as a good thing and that really matters. Anyways, I don't know where it's going with this one.
|
|