Dev-ness, dev-flag, dev-conundrum (and hi?)

[demoiselle]

Hey, y'all! It's good to be here—I've been a lurker for almost a decade now (wow), but I never had anything to say or ask. I'm Elle, I'm 24 and I've known I was a devotee, by that word and definition, since I was sixteen. So I "grew up" with that. I used to actively consume the stories in the blog, and read the forum every single day, and I even remember a certain website ran by another dev (who was it, celeste?) for teen devs, but it's been a while now since I checked this place. The reason why I'm coming here is really simple. And lengthy. Strap your seatbelts (not bc it's particularly wild, just lengthy, and seatbelts should always be strapped....)

I'm dating a pwd.
Finally. After years of feeling like maybe I'm just assexual, maybe there are just NO pwds in my goddamn city, maybe I should forget about it and live with the fact that I'm doomed and this is all a fantasy I got from... Reading too much? Then I'm swiping on tinder and he pops up. He's cute. Hot. AGE APPROPRIATE. I swipe right as my heart HAMMERS my chest. I'd matched with a couple disabled guys before, two guys exactly (I'll come back to this!), but as we start texting, we just HIT.IT.OFF. And yeah, I know this might be my dev excitement talking, but I just felt like it was different. We talked about a bunch of things, we even talked about disability-specific stuff, he works in disability rights and I'm a healthcare worker. It seemed obvious that I would know what "cathing, neurogenic bladder, spina bifida" is, and he never explained anything. It felt so smooth. A week later we go to an open air jazz concert together. I picked him up at work, my very first date with a disabled guy. I took his chair apart and made it fit inside my super cramped car as I felt the hairs on my body stand up and butterflies in my stomach. He was just so much cuter in person, I swear. His voice was so cute. His smile was so charming. The day before the date, he'd told me we'd sit on the grass, but due to his back issues/lack of core, he couldn't sit for a long time with no support, so I packed this triangular-shaped back pillow and he seemed really impressed by it—"how cool is it to date a healthcare person?!", he laughed. If only he knew.
The date itself was amazing. I helped him navigate the terrain, bc we had to park far away, and then he transfered to the ground and I noticed he could kinda move his legs, although they were very tight, and it surprised me in a nice way. I felt butterflies all over. He just looked so sexy. We leaned into the triangle pillow as they played stuff like coltrane, nina simone, sinatra, and we stared up at the moon and talked about our many, many common interests. We kissed. And I kid you not, for the first time in my LIFE I felt something, ANYTHING, as I kissed a guy (or a girl tbh). Before that I honestly, truly thought people only kissed out of routine. Before that, I'd only kissed (many, many) guys out of duty and following the script. I didn't think it was POSSIBLE to not feel awkward about it, to not feel like I just wanted it to be over. Well. Ha. Joke's on me. That's what people have been doing this entire time, eh? We kissed and kissed and kissed, long after the music ended and they turned off the lights to kick us out. We left, I help him back into his chair. He jokes about how he's a little uncomfortable and unsure in this chair, because it's new and far more compact than what he's used to—but he picked it anyway bc he thought he looked better in it. I feel flustered and agree—for years I've been terribly judgy about wheelchair designs and aesthetics, and it's so funny to hear it from his perspective. I once again place his chair inside my car. I feel like a pro, I find out that there's a way to do it so that the wheels are on top of the frame in my backseat and I don't have to put it inside my super small trunk, and it's just way quicker. We go out to eat, I gotta help him up a couple steps. He seems impressed I know he has to go down them on his back. We kiss and kiss and kiss before I drive him back to his place.

After narrating our first date in so much detail, I'll flash over what's been like the past month. We've been out a BUNCH of times. To the theater, the opera, the museum, the mall, the lake, the concert. And I keep liking him more and more. I know this probably has something to do with the fact that I've felt virtually nothing about anyone in real life for my entire teenage and adulthood years. I don't even know how to deal with all of this. I know I'm soaring right now because I'm a dev and I have all these repressed feelings coming to surface after a decade of not having feelings for AB guys, so I'm treading carefully. He seems to correspond. He seems to like me more than I like him, but that's because I'm trying not to come off as as desperate as I indeed feel. I've been trying not to be too optimistic.
Here comes the issue.

I haven't told him I'm a dev. I always thought I'd be able to do it when the time came, I'm pretty positive about it! I like it! I know who I am, I don't think I'm a weirdo or a creep, it's simply the way I've been my entire life, it's my sexuality. But..... Yeah. I'm afraid of what he'll think of me—I'm afraid of his perceptions on it. I'm positive he knows we exist (once as we texted about how disabled ppl are perceived as unable to satisfy sexual urges by ppl in general, he said "or those who only see us with curiosity or even worse, as a fetish"), and I just completely ignored that part and died inside a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I should have. If I missed my cue to either tell him or just stop talking to him because of it, but I just really wanted to talk to him! Another thing is that he noticed we follow some of the same ppl on social media, two of them being the two disabled guys I matched with on tinder years and years ago. One of them is another guy with spina bifida but who's truly rly insufferable (he's a local insta "model" or "content creator") and who I honestly can't stand, even though we did text a bunch YEARS ago, way before the pandemic. He knows this guy, they've done sports together (and he also thinks he's insufferable lol). The other guy is a paraplegic dude who I kinda (desperately) insisted on texting and got shamefully ghosted by—he's friends with him. So it's like there are only THREE DISABLED DUDES my age in this city, and they all know each other and they all definitely know me. It's only a matter of time before they make a connection. Right away, I told him about Guy #1, like "haha what a coincidence, thats so funny, haha spina bifida guys rock!". Just last week we actually ran into this dude at a concert, at the PWDs section, and we kinda pretended we didn't know each other (not because there was ever anything between us, we'd never even met irl), even though my guy knows I know this dude.

Okay, I could probably get away with it, right? I could go without him knowing I'm a dev. It's not who I am. It's so stupid that I have to say "oh my god, you turn me on so much", because of course he knows he turns me on so much. When I straddle him in his chair, and touch his knees, and kiss him for like fifteen minutes straight and whisper naughty things back, of COURSE he does. It's so unfair that I have to "come out" like there's something to hide. But I still feel uncomfortable about opening up like that.

A couple weeks ago, as we had a few drinks at a bar near my place, he said "you know what REALLY made me interested in you?" And no, he didn't list any of my physical attributes, he didn't even mention my wits. He said "it's the way you disassemble my chair". The moment he said it, I had to pretend I didn't know what he was talking about. I made a "hahahaha cmon" expression and he proceeded to explain how he'd never met anyone who did it like I did. How it seemed like he'd been in my life forever, even though it'd only been a few days. How it seemed natural to me, how not even his parents or his friends or siblings did it like I did, and not specifically the "breaking the wheelchair apart" part, but everything else. And I was like "oh you're craaaazy, anyone would do that!" and he just said "no. you wouldn't get it." Except that I get it. Then yesterday we were together at the club, snuggled together in a sunbathing chair, with his legs on top of my thighs as we talked and kissed, (me anything but) absentmindedly he said the same thing, how his PT had asked what he liked so much about me and he said the very same thing, how immediately from the very first date, me taking his chair apart it putting it back together made him so interested. Once again, I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about, and when he asked me what I had found so interesting about him, I joked "oh, it's the way I have to assemble/disassemble your chair, I love being in a production line, in another life I was a Fordist worker." As a joke. He laughed. I laughed. I can think of a dozen reasons why I like him that don't involve his disability, but the reason why HE likes me the most involves his disability. This is insane. I'm going crazy. He simply volunteered that information like it's nothing.

I hope some of you are still with me here. And I'm gona post this in the general section so I can get the most amount of opinions. Please note that english isn't my first language. To the guys: should I feel flattered?! To the girls: should I tell him? Should I RISK it? It's so much harder to tell him now that I seem to have missed my chance. Should I lie, omit, pretend I'm only now finding out about my particular attraction ("oh, so thaaaat's what it's called! Makes sense!"). Should I just stop thinking about it?
I'd appreciate the insight!
Sorry for the length! Whew! .....hi, I guess? 🤣

[allison101]

I loved reading this! My two cents are that you need to tell him- soon. You owe it to yourself to be the most authentic version of you. If you don’t tell him, this will continue to weigh on you and that sense of anxiety will just continue to grow. Realize that telling him may be the end of your relationship, and while that will hurt, it’s okay. There is a big beautiful world out there and if this person is not accepting of you being a dev, someone else will be. You seem to have a very good grasp on your devness and seem confident about it. Let that shine through if/when you tell him. Explain why you waited to tell him, but also explain that you’re not ashamed of who you are.

Good luck! And welcome.

[celkan]

Salut Demoiselle,
I'll write in english since this is the site language.
First of all, your story is wonderfull and I hope the best for you and your boyfriend. It is like a dream story for me and for a lot of others i'm sure.

Secondly, I think confessing that you are a dev means more to you than other people and it is even less important for your boyfriend. You said it yourself "I can think of a dozen reasons why I like him that don't involve his disability". That is much more significant to him, I'm sure. So if you feel that not saying you are a dev puts a weight on your shoulder, don't hesitate and just say it. You will feel better after.

Thank you for sharing your story. It brings a little hope for my broken heart.
Bonne journée et encore merci.

[sy]

Welcome

[AlrightyAphrodite]

Jul 25, 2024 9:32:52 GMT -5 allison101 said:

I loved reading this! My two cents are that you need to tell him- soon. You owe it to yourself to be the most authentic version of you. If you don’t tell him, this will continue to weigh on you and that sense of anxiety will just continue to grow. Realize that telling him may be the end of your relationship, and while that will hurt, it’s okay. There is a big beautiful world out there and if this person is not accepting of you being a dev, someone else will be. You seem to have a very good grasp on your devness and seem confident about it. Let that shine through if/when you tell him. Explain why you waited to tell him, but also explain that you’re not ashamed of who you are.

Good luck! And welcome.

Agree with the above, tell him. I started in a similar situation and waited a long time to tell him (like a year?). He didn't care but I should have saved myself the stress 🤠

Welcome!

[devogirl]

Yes, tell him! Don't lie, don't omit. A relationship built on lies is not worth it.

Also I get why it's so exciting at first but the line about him liking you because of his disability raises red flags. If he's mainly in it for the caregiving, it's potentially a problem.

[dutchdev]

Tell him, like people before me said, you have to eventually, if you want this relationship to have a fighting chance and the sooner the better.The threshold will only grow the longer you wait and it will grow to unsurmountable proportions in your mind.

The likelihood of him not minding is big, because he already likes you a lot and can see for himself that it is not just "a fetish". Strangers are way easier to judge than real life people (same reason highest percentage of people voting for the racist parties in my country is in the whitest of towns where inbreeding is a bigger problem than immigrants, we are scared of what we don't know).

I have been keeping some secrets in recent months and felt such a huge amount of relief once I could come clean. I didn't even realize how much it weighed on me. The responses were way less scary/strong than what I had build it up to in my mind. Just tell him....

[Dani]

I often really wish this dev thing wouldn't be such an issue, but it always kind of is.
It would be so awesome if it could just be a preference like any other preference when it comes to attraction. We wouldn't be scared to tell someone that we love their hair color, eye color, or any other physical attributes they possess that we enjoy.

The dev thing is just this completely other level of an attraction/fetish/kink/preference or whatever you want to call it. It's because it involves or triggers more emotional responses than just physical ones. After all, the person we are attracted to is different than what is considered the norm for sexual attraction by society. It leaves us always in this dilemma that we enjoy something that the PWD is dealing with daily, and it's sometimes difficult and tough for them.

That being said, I also believe it's best to tell him sooner rather than later because it won't go away and will always bother you. If your boyfriend really cares about you and it sounds like you two are already hitting it off very well, he will try to learn and understand what you tell him. If he lashes out or becomes angry, then just remember, it is not you; it is his issue.

The ideal scenario is that if someone really cares about or loves another person, it doesn't matter what big secret that person comes out with (unless it's a crime, of course), but it shouldn't affect how we feel about each other. For example, if my husband admitted something very drastic to me regarding sexual interest, it wouldn't affect how I feel about him. It may be an initial shock, but I care about him enough that we would work through this or make it work, whatever it is.

I hope you'll find a good time to open up to your boyfriend about your devness. I hope he will react understandingly and that it won't change how he feels about you and it will just make your relationship even better. Keep us posted!

[demoiselle]

Yeah, I kinda expected this—I know I should tell him. It just feels so much easier to let it go and forget about it, just letting things flow. When I'm with him, I don't even think about being a dev. Then I watch him transfer and I get those butterflies, and it's like FINALLY I feel attracted to someone.
How should I do it? Like in a serious talk? "hey, I gotta tell you something", and drop terms and explanations, or just saying how attracted I am to him, and his body specifically? I'm so afraid of how he'll react, even though I'm pretty certain he likes me enough not to act horribly. Still, he's pretty active in the local "disability community", has lots of disabled friends, so that kinda worries me—we don't have the best rep among those circles, I've heard...

Jul 25, 2024 21:28:24 GMT -5 devogirl said:

Yes, tell him! Don't lie, don't omit. A relationship built on lies is not worth it.

Also I get why it's so exciting at first but the line about him liking you because of his disability raises red flags. If he's mainly in it for the caregiving, it's potentially a problem.

About the caregiving situation, that also struck me as odd! At first, I felt less than flattered—does he only like me because I'm a decent person who cares for him? And I'm definitely not into the caregiving thing in a relationship, even though I'm a natural caregiver (I'm an oldest sister with a chronically ill mother, I work in healthcare, it's only natural), and I honestly didn't think the stuff I did (assembling and disassembling his chair, helping him out with the terrain, watching where we park so he has enough space to get out, asking him if he wants to hit the bathroom before we leave to a place with no accessible bathrooms) were so... Remarkable? I thought that's the norm of dating/being with a PWD. But yeah, I knew where he was coming from when he said it; I'm a dev. I look at things differently than a non-dev, I know I do. Which is why I wasn't super offended, but I'm definitely watching out for it and treading carefully, I really don't want to be in a caregiving situation—he's fully independent, but I know there are other aspects of caregiving.


wow, I definitely talk too much LOL please, put up with me!

[myrrh]

Jul 26, 2024 12:27:28 GMT -5 demoiselle said:

Yeah, I kinda expected this—I know I should tell him. It just feels so much easier to let it go and forget about it, just letting things flow. When I'm with him, I don't even think about being a dev. Then I watch him transfer and I get those butterflies, and it's like FINALLY I feel attracted to someone.
How should I do it? Like in a serious talk? "hey, I gotta tell you something", and drop terms and explanations, or just saying how attracted I am to him, and his body specifically? I'm so afraid of how he'll react, even though I'm pretty certain he likes me enough not to act horribly. Still, he's pretty active in the local "disability community", has lots of disabled friends, so that kinda worries me—we don't have the best rep among those circles, I've heard...

While it is important to tell him, you don't have to specifically mention devotees or act like you're part of some secret group. You can say you find him attractive and it's amplified by his disability, and ohh by the way certain disabilities are totally your thing.

Jul 26, 2024 12:27:28 GMT -5 demoiselle said:

Jul 25, 2024 21:28:24 GMT -5 devogirl said:

Yes, tell him! Don't lie, don't omit. A relationship built on lies is not worth it.

Also I get why it's so exciting at first but the line about him liking you because of his disability raises red flags. If he's mainly in it for the caregiving, it's potentially a problem.

About the caregiving situation, that also struck me as odd! At first, I felt less than flattered—does he only like me because I'm a decent person who cares for him? And I'm definitely not into the caregiving thing in a relationship, even though I'm a natural caregiver (I'm an oldest sister with a chronically ill mother, I work in healthcare, it's only natural), and I honestly didn't think the stuff I did (assembling and disassembling his chair, helping him out with the terrain, watching where we park so he has enough space to get out, asking him if he wants to hit the bathroom before we leave to a place with no accessible bathrooms) were so... Remarkable? I thought that's the norm of dating/being with a PWD. But yeah, I knew where he was coming from when he said it; I'm a dev. I look at things differently than a non-dev, I know I do. Which is why I wasn't super offended, but I'm definitely watching out for it and treading carefully, I really don't want to be in a caregiving situation—he's fully independent, but I know there are other aspects of caregiving.

I'm so glad to hear you say this. I wanted to chime in about this, but didn't want to rain on your parade. A lot of what you say is so relatable, such as finding yourself truly attracted to someone for the first time. It's all sooo wonderful. However, him saying he was most attracted to your comfort with his disability gave me a major case of the heebie jeebies. I've been on the receiving end of a comment like that many times, and in time I almost always discovered that he didn't actually like me for being a funny/bright/interesting/kind person... he liked the services and experiences that I provided him. In all fairness, it can be a trip to find someone who's comfortable with their disability, so it makes sense it would be front-of-mind if it's his first time. 

[ichbin]

Great story! So happy for you!💓
I also think you should tell him, but just like myrrh said, not "act like you're part of some secret group"

I'd just tell him you find his body very attractive and you had noticed since teenage years that you find paraplegics attractive. And that you wanted to tell him so he never thinks he's "not good enough" because he's disabled or you'd prefer an AB boyfriend.

I don't see in which ways this could be a problem for him 🤷‍♀️

And about the assembling the chair thing what he said... To me that didn't raise red flags, imo it just shows that he notices you are comfortable with "every part of him". And I understood it as him being happy that you are so comfortable with him the way he is, with the disability he has.

But maybe I'm naive 🤷‍♀️🙈

[devogirl]

Like Myrrh said, make sure your partner likes you for who you are, not primarily for what you do for him.

[eve]

"That's what people have been doing this entire time, eh?"   Yesss so relatable, thank you. I'm a little envious that others have such a larger pool of people who they can have this feeling with to choose from.

Anyway, thanks for writing so eloquently and good for you for embracing your attraction. The hesitation is real and understandable, unfortunately, but I'll echo what others are saying—tell him! 

[stevenc2]

Can only echo what so many others have said, definitely tell him.
As a PWD, this would become more of an issue the longer your relationship goes on.
When you do explain your devness, be sure and let him know there are many, many other things you find attractive about him both physically and personality wise.

His comment about your wheelchair disassembling didn't strike me as strange. Having read what many others thought, I can see where they are coming from but dind't strike me as 'red flag'. Personally, I would be delighted to be with someone who isn't scared or apprehensive about dealing with my wheelchair. However, maybe something to keep an eye on and look out for other comments along these lines.

Good luck and hope works out for you both.

[demoiselle]

Jul 27, 2024 7:57:58 GMT -5 eve said:

"That's what people have been doing this entire time, eh?"   Yesss so relatable, thank you. I'm a little envious that others have such a larger pool of people who they can have this feeling with to choose from.
 

Ikr, I almost gaslit myself into believing I just really didn't like people sexually in real life—and the whole dev thing had gotta be an elaborate fantasy I got from reading too much dev fiction in my formative years lol but no, yeah, it happened... That's why people kiss and date, I GET IT now 🤣