What made you more comfortable with being a dev?

[dutchdev]

I think a lot of us have experienced shame about being a dev, are we normal, are we weird, abnormal, creepy for our attractions.

I have been on this board for a year and a half, connected with a lot of people, met (very normal, boring (in the most positive of ways), regular, beautiful) devs. Gone through huge personal growth, from not sharing it with anybody (except my browser history) to telling multiple friends.

Saw a picture of two devs meeting up today, two gorgeous 30 something women, and it still reassured me. It still reassures me, knowing that pretty much all devs I have talked to are accomplished, professional, beautiful, self aware women (or men). Just wanted to share that for the lurking devs, I know it would have reassured me.

There are people on here working in marketing, legislature, education, healthcare, science, IT. Women from stay at home moms to PHD’s, living regular lives being just a touch more aware of accessibility issues and what the difference is between a quad or a para (was corrected by someone that acknowledged I knew more after googling).

What helped you become more comfortable with being a dev?

[ayla]

Connecting with other devs is definitely #1...but a very close second is developing friendships with disabled guys. I'm not sure how to articulate it, but there is something inherently creepy-feeling about always analyzing one's feelings regarding a whole group of people, a group to which you have no individual connection. It flattens things to consider devness as MY relationship to "THEM," as if "they" were all the same, and it feeds into concerns about objectification. Having friendships from the other side of the dev/pwd equation, so to speak, has helped me in many ways. It's helpful when they are encouraging, of course, and it helps to get a different perspective. Perhaps less obviously, it has also been a good way to demonstrate to myself that disability is not the only trait that matters. I'm not attracted to every pwd I get along with or like (much less *every* pwd) just because they're disabled. It's much harder to worry that about being a "creepy fetishist" when your alleged "fetish" seems to operate just like everybody else's physical preferences for partners...hmm, almost like it's a normal variation and not some aberration... imagine that! Talking freely with disabled friends also has helped me over the hurdle of using what were previously unspeakable disability-related terms. I spent so long as a child/teen avoiding this whole topic because I thought somehow I'd give myself away (in retrospect, how typical of a young person to feel that everyone will be analyzing them under a microscope). Anyway, after being avoidant for so long, even saying a word like "wheelchair" became something that made me blush -- perpetuating the cycle of avoidance. It has been very valuable to have friends who know I'm a dev, who are more than willing to help me overcome this awkwardness, and who let me prove to myself I won't become a beet-red mess if I should chance to actually speak to a disabled guy. I guess most people get over these feelings (the "omg ME, talk to a BOY!?" feelings) as tweens but we devs were usually not able to have those normalizing opportunities with pwd. Unlike the mainstream high school hunks that eventually every girl sees are really nothing special, pwd remain like unicorns and they become more unobtainable and unapproachable...unless we bridge that gap and get over ourselves! I think it's extremely helpful to have not just romantic/sexual relationships with disabled guys but also friendships. Romantic/sexual connections can burn very hot and fast and it's reassuring to see that such intensity only occurs when there is actual chemistry between two people, not just the presence of one person's fetish.

[lisa]

My answer would be almost the same as ayla's. I think though that the #1 help for me was meeting (online and offline) PWDs who were okay with or even happy about me being a dev. One of the most memorable experiences in this regard was meeting thalon (not linked, because this is devs only) in real life for the first time. I couldn't bring myself to telling him I'm a dev during this meeting, but I did afterwards online. He was so intrigued and happy about it, I couldn't believe it. I think this meeting was also one of the reasons he created his blog on sexuality and disability in which I became a guest author later on. So for losing the shame and becoming okay with my devness, this was kind of a key moment.

Regarding the development of how to incorporate my devness into real life and how to become a visible dev, meeting and talking to other devs was the most important thing. I've been around here a long time and back when I joined, there were a lot of people active who were accomplished devs, I'd say, as in they have somehow managed to live the dev life to some extent also visible from the outside. And then there were those devs who had years and years of experience with being a dev. Who had experienced all the situations, who knew so much about the background of how human sexuality works. Not to leave anyone important out, but I very fondly remember some of devogirl's posts on devness, who made a deep impact on me. On the other hand, reading all the devs' stories on here over the years and learning about how things can develop made me realize that there is much more to devness than I would have seen by mere introspection. It's nice to see that while even among devs I'm kind of a minority in my preferences, there are shared experiences and thoughts. I can only repeat what I've said like a thousand times: Being a dev is hard, maybe harder than what any of us should live with. But being a dev has its beauties for those who are willing to see them.

[devogirl]

Aw, thank you, lisa! I'm so glad my comments can help others.

What made me more comfortable was first learning that I'm not the only one, that there is a name for how I feel. Second, talking to sex-positive friends, without judgment. Then later, posting a lot here and talking to other devs. And having PWDs as friends. I think it's incredibly important for devs to be friends with PWDs and not just create a fantasy. It is affirming to be accepted as a dev by a PWD. But don't fall into the trap of needing acceptance from someone else to be ok with yourself.

[dutchdev]

While I agree that PWD can be very helpful in coming to terms with being a dev, there also are guys out there that make you just feel worse.

I have befriended some great guys who really helped me on this acceptance journey, and even made me feel that there is a purpose to our existence.

Yet encountering the wrong guy, to early in that journey, would just suck. I am so, so, so greatful that the the first handful of guys that reached out where the great, unapologetic dev positive, supportive kind, because I have had conversations that would have made me shut down my account and return into the silent closed of fantasy dev in no time.

Just to say, don’t make it dependent on them, or at least realize that on here most, almost all are great and cheering you on, just hope you don’t encounter that one bad apple.

[dannyboy95]

Oct 31, 2024 14:56:59 GMT -5 dutchdev said:

I think a lot of us have experienced shame about being a dev, are we normal, are we weird, abnormal, creepy for our attractions.

I have been on this board for a year and a half, connected with a lot of people, met (very normal, boring (in the most positive of ways), regular, beautiful) devs. Gone through huge personal growth, from not sharing it with anybody (except my browser history) to telling multiple friends.

Saw a picture of two devs meeting up today, two gorgeous 30 something women, and it still reassured me. It still reassures me, knowing that pretty much all devs I have talked to are accomplished, professional, beautiful, self aware women (or men). Just wanted to share that for the lurking devs, I know it would have reassured me.

There are people on here working in marketing, legislature, education, healthcare, science, IT. Women from stay at home moms to PHD’s, living regular lives being just a touch more aware of accessibility issues and what the difference is between a quad or a para (was corrected by someone that acknowledged I knew more after googling).

What helped you become more comfortable with being a dev?

Acceptance by PWDs, even those who are straight and/or not romantically or sexually interested in me, has really been a big boost in confidence.

[ichbin]

Oct 31, 2024 14:56:59 GMT -5 dutchdev said:

What helped you become more comfortable with being a dev?

1.) finding PD and knowing, I am not the only one and there are others.

2.) writing with Dani, in German, and feeling so understood and actually connected with a real person (as opposed to just "a board" where most people use anonymity and nicknames)

3.) telling my best friend at the age of 32 that I was a dev after decades of hiding

4.) everytime I told someone (friend or people in a seminar for example) about my devness it helped in me being more comfortable with myself

5.) doing a psychotherapy with the goal of finding a paraplegic partner

6.) entering a wheelchair basketball team

..... 

The list goes on... But the level of comfort got higher as time progressed (and all the numbers progressed that I stated).
In the beginning however, it was amazing, like, from shame and guilt and hiding to: relief! 

The first three steps were the most "world-changing" ones for me.

[Dani]

For me, I signed on here after I saw a video clip by Ruth Madison on another group, and I was like, "Wow, this is just a regular woman."
Talking with so many people over the years about everything: PWD, closeted and open devs, anti-dev PWD, pretenders, BIID folks, kinksters, fetishists...opened my perspectives to an entirely new world, but it was not always positive. On the contrary, some of it was very traumatizing, especially when taken advantage of or lied to by the wrong people. That unfortunately has made me suspicious and hard. I hate being lied to or led on and I hate when some people pretend to be someone/something they are not. I hate liars or pretenders who use us for stroking their egos and testing out how "disabled" they can be. It's a super red flag for me and I have zero tolerance for these people and I want to protect any female non suspecting dev from that. I feel the same way about "fake" devs who use unsuspecting PWD for their thing. Anyways, drifting off a bit here...
Of course, having online discussions/flings with pro-dev PWDs and a few real-life meetings with PWDs also helped.
Writing stories and getting to know myself better was also part of it. Writing was like therapy and an outlet during very dark days. Sometimes, I cried when I wrote. I decided to share my writing with people who may enjoy it, and I really don't care anymore about what people think. My face as an author and a devotee is out there, and I could care less, really. Aging has also changed how much I care about it. The older one gets, the less one cares about what others think.
If anyone finds me and knows me in that way and has a problem with it, oh well...I guess that person doesn't need to be in my life anyway.
I do believe that loving oneself as who one is is the most important step in accepting that part of one's personality and interests. Finding happiness and contentment with being a dev and not taking any crap from anyone is another important one.

[spicymennonite]

While I am fairly new to being a paradevo, and have taken a bit of a hiatus from all social media etc for my mental health. I think what helped me start to realize my devness was finding this website and knowing that I am not the only one who has these thoughts/feelings.