What If???

[laurasweetou]

I was recently talking to another dev from the board and we posed the question, "What if you were seriously involved with an AB man and he became paralyzed?" I'm curious to what you all think.

[BA]

As with any other relationship, real love withstands many, many things. In fact, I think as people age together, many of these are inevitable. I'd stick out an injury the same as I'd stick out Cancer or blindness or any one of a million things that could happen. I'd hope he'd do the same for me.

[Ciao Bella]

And here's where I start my rambling LOL

In an ideal world, I would stick around for whatever may happen. But since we don't live in an ideal world, I don't think I can handle certain situations. Paraplegia - sure, I'll take that anyday. Quadriplegia - I'll take incomplete. Unfortunately or fortunately, I know myself too well and I cannot be with someone who is suddenly unable to speak, or unable to embrace me. I reckon frustration will quickly overcome my love for him.

Since I have been with my partner, I have met a few men who have been divorced after their accidents. One man said that his ex-wife just couldn't deal how he was her "protector" and "provider" to becoming dependent on her for some matters. That story made me realize that not all women are capable of dealing with drastic changes, esp. when the fairy-tale image of how life should be is suddenly taken away. I don't mean this in an offensive way at all, just stating a reality. However, there are happy stories as well, when the woman did stay in the relationship after the accident, and even went on to have families of their own. Their stories reaffirm my love and wanting to be with my partner.

So would I stay if my AB man suddenly became paralyzed? My answer is "it depends".

[faith]

First, my heart would be so sad for the loss that comes with a major accident that causes an sci. But after I was done grieving alongside him, I would do everything I could to make life as normal as possible for both of us.

I would not leave for that reason- no matter the injury level.

If you truly love someone completely, you take it all.... the good, the bad and everything between.

[Claire]

So, I'm the only one who thinks that it would be a horrible position to be in as a devotee...to watch your beloved become everything you've ever dreamed of, and be attracted to that while he went through hell...and all the devo shame and guilt that would accompany such a situation?

Not to mention, in my case, a deep sense of irony and probably jealousy...and thus, still more guilt and shame.

[taylor]

Apr 21, 2008 22:19:10 GMT -5 Claire said:

So, I'm the only one who thinks that it would be a horrible position to be in as a devotee...to watch your beloved become everything you've ever dreamed of, and be attracted to that while he went through hell...and all the devo shame and guilt that would accompany such a situation?

Not to mention, in my case, a deep sense of irony and probably jealousy...and thus, still more guilt and shame.

Nope you weren't the only one. I couldn't imagine the guilt that I would feel. I have thought of it happening to my husband, and the thought makes me quite queasy. And being that I am a believer in the law of karma I would definitely feel like it was my doing.

[natasha]

Apr 21, 2008 22:19:10 GMT -5 Claire said:

So, I'm the only one who thinks that it would be a horrible position to be in as a devotee...to watch your beloved become everything you've ever dreamed of, and be attracted to that while he went through hell...and all the devo shame and guilt that would accompany such a situation?

Interesting question, I already think about this before and I think I def. would try my hardest to make things work out and would never leave my loved one behind, at least that what i think for sure.....

I was about to post a question in here about, what if its happen to me!!!! Do u think u will feel that is karma like this girl is saying? I imagine me being injured and simply get scared to death and think if I would think I would deserve it ...But then, I know that I NEVER wish to anyone to get injured!! I see by personal experiences how devastating and life changing an injury can be, and I really feel bad when that happen. because of course an accident can happen to anyone, us or our families or friends...
whenever I met wheelers in my life they already been trough the worst moments after their accident and being able to go ahead with their life's in a positive way, specially my ex taught me so much and make me really analyze and think a lot of things about living with a disability...Actually more than me being turn on or whatever because of my deavness it was a life changing experience to me as a person, and def. I grew up a lot with the time that I spent with him.....

[Claire]

We're devs...I don't think leaving them behind or not is the issue. I think the issue is how do you deal with the devo attraction if this were to happen?
Of course if you know anything about SCIs you don't consciously wish this on anyone (without getting into the issue of people with BIID). But if it did, would you feel a secret thrill that you don't want, but can't stop? I think I might. But then again, the reality of the situation might be very different.

[Claire]

Apr 22, 2008 7:01:55 GMT -5 natasha said:

I was about to post a question in here about, what if its happen to me!!!! Do u think u will feel that is karma like this girl is saying? I imagine me being injured and simply get scared to death and think if I would think I would deserve it ...

I think that you would deal with it the same as anyone else does. The wheelers here all made it through it. If it were to happen to you, so would you.

[BA]

I wouldn't stick it out, dev or no-dev, if the relationship was already rocky, at best, and if the love between us had already grown cold. It wouldn't suddenly make me want to stay and the dev urge would not suddenly 'turn-on' for someone who didn't turn me on while they were able-bodied.

Would I feel guilty? Subconciously, maybe yes.... but probably not. I don't think I am powerful enough to cause an accident by mere fact of being a dev.

As for attracting karma upon myself... I am sure that if I keep smoking cigarettes, I will contract lung cancer way before I become a para or a quad and I am more afraid of cancer than of paralysis, to be truthful.

[laurasweetou]

I am loving these answers! ;D

[Claire]

Apr 22, 2008 21:30:21 GMT -5 BA said:

I wouldn't stick it out, dev or no-dev, if the relationship was already rocky, at best, and if the love between us had already grown cold. It wouldn't suddenly make me want to stay and the dev urge would not suddenly 'turn-on' for someone who didn't turn me on while they were able-bodied.

Absolutely! When I said it wasn't an issue, I meant it's not a dev issue. You stay, or not, depending on the relationship, and not whether you're a dev.

Would I feel guilty? Subconciously, maybe yes.... but probably not. I don't think I am powerful enough to cause an accident by mere fact of being a dev.

I would feel guilty not because I thought I'd brought down some karma on the guy. I don't believe in that.

I would feel guilty because I would, I think, as a devotee, find pleasure in his paralysis. On an emotional level I would hurt for him because he's hurting, but at the same time, my devness would be there, enjoying what it's always enjoyed. And that would make me feel very guilty.

[dolly]

ya, that situation might be a bit of a mind fuck, huh?

although i imagine the main focus at first would be just getting ourselves through it. i think the conflicting emotions would probably come into play later on.

[me]

My current partner would without a doubt become even more bitter and twisted than he is now (he has major attitude), could I remain all sweetness and light and let him behave badly, nope.

[merry]

My (AB) hubby and I had a conversation about this a couple of days ago. He's just left to go away for 2 weeks for work and we were cuddling in bed on our last morning together talking about dev stuff (i'm in a high phase of my cycle - and he's pretty aware of this stuff by now). I was just telling him to please be careful (he has a pretty dangerous job - he's a wildlife vet and they'll be working with wild elephants in the bush on this trip, so some scope for accidents). He said something like - well at least if something happens to me I know it won't be a turn-off for you. He was being tongue-in-cheek but I felt SO torn. I HAVE fantasized about him being disabled when we're making love before (he knows this) but somehow the idea of it being a reality is AWFUL, because I know the emotional struggle it would be for him. It would mean him giving up his career in all likelihood which he loves, amongst other things. I think it's one thing meeting a guy AFTER the fact, but a whole different thing if he's injured while you're together. I know I'd probably find him even more physically attractive than I do now, but even though rationally I'd know it had nothing to do with me, I'd still feel at fault somehow and blame myself...