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Post by Ciao Bella on Apr 22, 2008 18:30:26 GMT -5
Here's a hypothetical situation for the wheelers (some of you may or may not have been in this circumstance, but humour me anyway) It's been quite a few years since your accident, have just gotten yourself finally back on track with a permanent job, have been doing what guys do, but not really having a serious relationship. Then bam, you meet a dev. She can't get enough of you, and practically does all the chasing. She's not a hottie like Chan or Cake or Natasha, but she's not butt-ugly either. She makes you laugh and is someone you can take home to meet the family. Assuming you are now together, do you think you like her because she's practically presented herself to you? You don't have to try at all. Do you think you'd settle for her? Devs are human beings too, and sometimes, we can and do feel insecure in a relationship with a gimp. Maybe because at the back of our minds somewhere, we feel that he is with us only because 1) we're devs and 2) MAYBE the chance for a serious relationship hasn't presented itself until the present. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and please be honest and remember we don't live in an ideal world, so please...no ideal answers!
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Post by Ouch on Apr 23, 2008 0:39:31 GMT -5
Interesting questions...
...I haven't been in the circumstance (was never 'injured'), but I shall humour you.
The latter qualities are something that I would find more important (makes me laugh, and someone that I can be with around others, including family).
...while I would enjoy the fact that someone is as enthusiastic about me as I am them (or even more enthusiastic than I), I'm not one to 'not try at all'. As for 'settling'...well at that point, are you being forced to 'settle' or has it become something more 'ideal'? I don't think I would necessarily need to 'settle', because that situation would be a positive one.
I'm surprised to hear that sentiment, I would think it would be the opposite, I would worry that the only positive aspect I've got going for me in their attraction is being disabled...and that I might not have anything beyond that in which she's looking for...plus when it really comes down to the wheeler's side of the relationship, does it matter whether she's a dev or not? If there are two people, even if one is a dev. and has her particular points of attraction, that are into each other then the devness is merely an external part of the relationship. As for #2, what would make a relationship of that nature not a 'serious relationship' at that point?
Not sure if this really answers so much as asks...
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Post by E on Apr 23, 2008 10:43:49 GMT -5
Assuming you are now together, do you think you like her because she's practically presented herself to you? You don't have to try at all. Do you think you'd settle for her? There's a thing I've talked to a few (female) friends about that we call "reverse obsession." In short, if someone you otherwise had no interest in is obviously into you, you end up giving them a second look and, somewhat often, finding something attractive. Someone liking you is a very attractive quality. This happened to me just recently... a girl I really had no interest in expressed a very clear attraction to me. Now, I find myself happier to receive her calls, more prompt to write her back, and I look forward more to seeing her again. It's an interesting thing.
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Post by casper on Apr 23, 2008 13:00:56 GMT -5
Hi, good question, i'll properly get to answering it soon, this is just a quick message.
Now its the calling wheelchair users 'gimps' thats getting to me a bit. i've seen it said before on here so i'm guessing its tolerated. but in England 'gimp' is a derogatory word used to put some one down and doesn't relate to wheelchairs at all. or its used when referring to someone in a gimp mask or suit or whatever. i've spoken to a couple of friends that are wheelchair users about it and the general idea is that you wouldn't be friends with someone if they called you a gimp, never mind actually having a relationship with them.
i know i'm preaching but im sure there are nicer words to describe people you like.
sorry guys
x
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Post by matisse on Apr 23, 2008 16:30:58 GMT -5
If it were me, I wouldn't like her just because she's the one doing the pursuing.
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Post by E on Apr 23, 2008 18:13:27 GMT -5
Hi, good question, i'll properly get to answering it soon, this is just a quick message. Now its the calling wheelchair users 'gimps' thats getting to me a bit. i've seen it said before on here so i'm guessing its tolerated. but in England 'gimp' is a derogatory word used to put some one down and doesn't relate to wheelchairs at all. or its used when referring to someone in a gimp mask or suit or whatever. i've spoken to a couple of friends that are wheelchair users about it and the general idea is that you wouldn't be friends with someone if they called you a gimp, never mind actually having a relationship with them. i know i'm preaching but im sure there are nicer words to describe people you like. sorry guys x Gimp is a derogatory term to refer to the disabled here, but... I happen to love it. I think it's hilarious. People comfortable with my gimpyness say gimp. Everyone else has "nicer words" to use.
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Post by Sean on Apr 23, 2008 19:02:08 GMT -5
FWIW, in my years in the disability rights community, I've come to learn that words, and how they are used have different meanings to different people and it often depends on context. "Well doh!" you'll say. I was noting in another post that I don't like the word "wannabe" to describe me as a transabled individual, and I related it to the word "cripple" which is derogatory in most circumstances. So I'm not unfamiliar to the concept That said, I've noticed that many in the disability rights community refer to themselves as "gimps" or "crips". Not putting themselves down, not adopting a negative, but making it their own. A bit like "freak" became a compliment in the 70's in the hippie communities. So for many people with disabilities that I know, being a "gimp" is a way to express pride in who and what they are. It's also very similar to the word "n***". One could hardly think of a more pejorative and derogatory term to refer to someone who's black (and even "black" can be taken as a negative, but I shan't used African-American as this board is multi-cultural and not everyone "of colour" is american ). Phew, what a long sidestep. In any case, "n***" is usualy frowned upon. Yet, for many young african americans (and I use that term now because it appears to be more of an american phenomenon), calling themselves "n***", or variations thereof, seems to be a badge of honour. As to the appropriateness of someone who doesn't have a disability using the word "gimp" to describe those with disabilities, well, that's a bit more iffy, but it ain't up to me to say. I like Creative-E's approach Sorry for hi-jacking the thread
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Phil
Junior Member
Posts: 82
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Post by Phil on Apr 23, 2008 19:13:39 GMT -5
Here's a hypothetical situation for the wheelers (some of you may or may not have been in this circumstance, but humour me anyway) It's been quite a few years since your accident, have just gotten yourself finally back on track with a permanent job, have been doing what guys do, but not really having a serious relationship. Then bam, you meet a dev. She can't get enough of you, and practically does all the chasing. She's not a hottie like Chan or Cake or Natasha, but she's not butt-ugly either. She makes you laugh and is someone you can take home to meet the family. Assuming you are now together, do you think you like her because she's practically presented herself to you? You don't have to try at all. Do you think you'd settle for her? Devs are human beings too, and sometimes, we can and do feel insecure in a relationship with a gimp. Maybe because at the back of our minds somewhere, we feel that he is with us only because 1) we're devs and 2) MAYBE the chance for a serious relationship hasn't presented itself until the present. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts and please be honest and remember we don't live in an ideal world, so please...no ideal answers! I think that being chased hard could create a sense of security that someone might get a little too comfortable with. So yeah, I can see that they may not try very much in that situation. It would be no different than an 'average' guy dating some smoking hot woman. She might feel a little too comfortable and not treat him quite so well. I don't know about settling. I guess anything is possible when you're dealing with individuals, so that's more of a case by case basis. As for #2, you're kind of assuming a wheeler can't (or doesn't) date often. Although it might be somewhat accurate, it isn't always. We do date, honest. ;D But anyway, if it's the case where that might be true, I guess it's possible that someone that's lonely could turn a little (or a lot) desperate and lower their expectations and date a person that normally wouldn't. I don't recommend that, but we are social animals and nobody wants to be an island. So sure, I can see that happening, given the right person in the right situation.
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Mark
New Member
Posts: 46
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Post by Mark on Apr 23, 2008 20:17:52 GMT -5
I have never dated an avowed dev but I have 47 yrs of dating experience, well 33 post injury yrs to be precise. I fail to see any reason I would treat her differently than I would a non-dev who was attracted to me. I haven't a single must have qualification. I look at the person as a whole. What I see as necessary for a LTR is mutual compatibility, a mutual loving attraction to one another, the ability to share a laugh and a willingness to grow together.
Then there are those rather shorter relationships - which basically are the result of drunken lust. Like junk food they may taste good at first but they leave you nutritionally unbalanced and with an icky feeling in your stomach. Unfortunately you don't always know ahead of time how the relationship is going to age. I just feel that there has to be a lot more to remain in a LTR than just a dev-ness attraction...and beer.
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Post by Ciao Bella on Apr 24, 2008 18:58:58 GMT -5
I do apologize for offending anyone by saying "gimp". It was not meant in any way, shape or form intended to do so. Because my mind was going so quick in trying to verbalize my question, I guess I didn't really take the time to be politically-correct. To my defense though, I have always been iffy about saying the words gimp, crip, etc...until I started going out with one, and he encouraged me to lighten up. Now, we both say "spazo" on top of the countless other "mean" words. Oooops...shoot me now
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Post by mrjefffurz on Apr 25, 2008 14:49:03 GMT -5
interesting topic as a similar situation is what led me to this site......in the crip community i was part of a female dev was consider a mythical creature such as unicorns or leprechans,,,i met a woman who did the "major league interested: thing on me and it simply didnt make sense...she was much younger than me,,,hot as blazing fire,,,and ignoring men much more in what should have been her target demographic while all into me,,,so i posted @ new mobilty about it & miss absinthe replied, leading me here,,,,in retrospect where vision is always 20/20 had i known then what i have learned about grrl devs from this site it could have been something very positive cuz i was kinda freaked out about the whole thing and i let the woman get away...knowing what i know now i certainly would have followed her lead and, at least, taken the chance to get to know her better instead of letting her go off into the mist....
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