Just when I thought I had come to terms...

[faith]

Just when I thought I had come to terms with the dev feelings... accepting that my devness is just who I am... even encouraged knowing I am not the only one.... and suddenly today I was overcome with guilt.

I was entering a grocery store and I walked by a handicapped parking space.
It was empty.
First thing I thought was "no hot wheeler in there".... okay, I was fine with that... I have thought that before.
But my next thought was just wrong... I thought, "I wish there were more".....
That is SO SO wrong!
I don't really wish there were more- it isn't a wish I want for anyone.
I actually wish there were none at all and no one had to use a chair.

I have been thinking upon that all afternoon.
I guess the reason I don't feel guilty most of the time is that the injury had already occurred and I had no part in it nor can I change it.
But when I caught myself thinking I wished for "more" ... I still feel guilty for even thinking that, even though I don't really mean it.

Maybe if they could all just move to CA....
Maybe I don't mean more...
maybe I just mean closer to me.

[laurasweetou]

Hey Joe, not to be "the bad guy" here, but this is our special Dev's only section. It is our layer where only Dev's do what Dev's can do Lil. So, as a wheeler, we do appreciate your comfort and thoughts , we ask you respect out wishes.

[natasha]

Jun 18, 2008 1:10:08 GMT -5 faith said:

Maybe if they could all just move to CA....
Maybe I don't mean more...
maybe I just mean closer to me.

Are u from California??? because if youre, u must be from the North or something..I spent a few months in Southern Cali and I never saw so many wheelers around in my life!! the where everywhere!! I remember once I was with my ex at a restaurant and it were another 5 wheelers in the place!!!.......I noticed it was a lot of activities for disabled people including the kickass Organization Life Rollls On from Jesse Billauer where they had charity events and sports activities......... So check them out!!! Good luck!

I should consider myself lucky then!! I met a lot of wheelers so far and always seems to bump into one everywhere.....

[natasha]

And about the guilty feeling I hope youre feeling better already...I think it happens to all of us, is def. not an easy feeling to handle but like u said, after sometime u start to come into terms with it.....
The same happen to me and since Im now open even with people around about my "preference" Im a lot happier ....Try to not think to much about it and keep busy and always positive..... Ive been very busy for months so I barely think about wheelers "for now"......

Keep the faith!!

[Claire]

Faith, I can identify with these feelings. Ideas like this are part and parcel of "dev guilt". I don't have the answer to that (lol, I think this has become my "signature phrase"). I think the fact that we feel ashamed and guilty of thoughts like that indicates that we are truly good, caring people. That's not to say that shame and guilt are a good thing, but the process of working through it is very healing. That's what's so great about this board. For me, it's talking to the wheelers that helps me let go of the guilt. I need them.

[dolly]

Jun 27, 2008 23:40:41 GMT -5 Ray T said:

I think what you might have been wishing for was more closer to you... not for more to be made... lol i understand that, I wished there were more dev's closer to me as well.
sorry that i am not a deve just a wheeler. [yellow]dont meen to post here [/yellow]but i just had to say something

but you did.

please be respectful. if there is something you can absolutely not resist commenting on, send a private message.

i personally don't think what you had to say was at all worthy of the intrusion.

we appreciate your support, but this section is called 'devs only' for a reason.

[dolly]

faith, i totally relate to everything you said. been there, felt that... many a time.

these are the feelings/thoughts that make being at peace with being a dev a constant struggle for me.

i've had the same conversation within myself umpteen times.

part of my approach has been to not shy away from the sometimes harsh reality of it all. i get involved and volunteer my time and try to use my knowledge to help in whatever way presents itself. it's helped a bit to make me feel like i am on the "right side" of the equation, if that makes sense. and that i'm not looking at disability through rose coloured glasses. i have always found it interesting that in that context (involvement) my dev desires seem to be suspended so that i can actually focus on what i am doing and i never feel as if i'm doing it for ulterior motives. it's like differentiating work from play.