an ethical dilema

[cwbjr]

I have a friend who's a quad, and plays rugby out in the midwest. He knows all about my dev-ness, and thinks it's cool, blah blah blah...

He suggested that if I really want to see/meet some quads, and eventually, possibly, a gay one, I should go where they are - to the local rugby team and their practices. He suggested I offer to volunteer.

So, on a whim, I e-mailed the local rugby team manager (through their website) and asked about volunteer opportunities. Told him I'd seen murderball, thought it was cool, and was wondering if they needed any help. Well, of course they do!

Now, here's my dilema, if it can even be called that: I'm feeling a little uneasy about this. Does it matter what my motivation is for volunteering? I mean, I'm not being predatory here (at least I don't intend to be - I'm assuming they're all straight guys), and they need the help, and I have the time to volunteer, so everyone wins, right? Right?!?!?!?

I'm certainly under no oblgation to explain my innermost thoughts, and I have no intention of doing so. I suppose I'm wondering if there's legitimate reason for me to feel this unease, or if I'm just being hyper-sensitive about the whole thing because of my own insecurities.

Thoughts?

I'm sure this is a variation on an existing thread, but I thought it worth it's own discussion.

[devogirl]

Just go, do it, have fun, and don't feel guilty!!!
When I used to live in CA, I regularly went to wc basketball practices and games, because a friend of mine was on the team. I felt weird at first, but there were all kinds of people hanging around watching, friends and families of team members, and some of them were surely devs or at least superfans. All I had to do was say I was there to see my friend, and no one thought it was strange. I got to be friends with other guys on the team, and it was all very relaxed and fun. I never did date any of them but it was lots of fun to hang out and watch the games.

If your friend isn't on the local team, just tell them that you know someone who plays and you like the sport. In my experience, they're happy to have other people get involved and help out. If you're not creepy and stalkerish, no one will question your motives. Go in with the attitude of making friends, not hunting for dates, and you'll be fine.

[cwbjr]

I think you're right. And no, I would never be stalker-ish or creepy, I'd just be treating a bunch of guys with the same respect that I give anyone, so it's not as if I'd be concerned about being "discovered" as a dev. I don't think there's any reason that would ever be an issue, honestly.

Now that I think about it, I should probably be more concerned with how they'll react to a gay guy. But hey, like it or lump it, right? ;-)

[dolly]

hi cwbjr.

i'm familiar with the unease you are feeling, but i echo devogirl's sentiments and say just go for it.

to me, it comes down to the motivation behind what you are doing. i volunteer at some SCI related events each year and my sole purpose for being there is to help out and support the cause.

i have gotten to know some people at the events over the years but that has been a byproduct of just being there and getting involved. every once in a while i still get a pang of unease about the potential 'ethical dilemma' but it passes quickly as i am always focused on the task at hand, i feel good about what i'm doing, and my work is appreciated. so i've discovered it's a win-win.

so just go and have fun! and keep us posted as to how it goes.

[BA]

Go and enjoy. If you were hired as a team Physician and were getting paid for the position, then it would be a professional/ethical dilema.

[dolly]

Sept 15, 2008 17:02:38 GMT -5 BA said:

Go and enjoy. If you were hired as a team Physician and were getting paid for the position, then it would be a professional/ethical dilema.

do you think that would be a problem if the person was completely professional and steadfastly did not blur the line between patient/physician boundaries?

i can't help but think that the extra information and understanding "we" have could be very beneficial to serving patients well, assuming that it was used purely to help/heal and not to serve any ulterior motive or gratification.



(i don't mean to redirect this thread, but i wasn't confident this question warranted a thread of it's own)

[Claire]

Wow, what a great thread. EXCELLENT advice from everyone, truly. I can totally understand your unease, but *you* know your motivations and if you feel comfortable with that, then it's great that you can help. You could also cite the Paralympics as your inspiration...you'd been wanting to volunteer your time somewhere for a while now and when you saw the Paralympics...bla bla bla.

The timeliness of this post is incredible. Last week I was invited to work out with a group of paras and quads at the local rehab center. I was supposed to meet this guy to show him a set of wheels I want to sell, and he said to meet him there, gave me the address, and when I got there it was the rehab center where he wanted to try them in the gymnasium. Oh...fuck. So, wheels taken care of and duly examined and admired, they proceed to invite me to join them three times a week to work out. Lots of anguish about being a devotee and using a chair for BIID and not for a physical impairment and whether I should get involved with this and hang out with them. Devoteeism isn't really my motivation for wanting to do it. It's that I do need an accessible place to work out, and so far haven't found one. It never even occurred to me to check out the rehab center and even if it did, I would have said "no effing way". And, yes, it's cool to hang out with these guys, and I like having contact with wheelers. But I hate misleading them. I know that I have a legitimate reason to use a chair, but I know just as well that a lot of people don't agree with that, and can be quite passionate about hating "wannabes", and so I am far from having the courage to tell the truth, but still need to wheel. I do want to, but like you, I'm uneasy about it. You said it PERFECTLY: "I suppose I'm wondering if there's legitimate reason for me to feel this unease, or if I'm just being hyper-sensitive about the whole thing because of my own insecurities." Of course me adding BIID on top of devoteeism adds a whole new dimension to it, and the answer might not be the same. (Any wheelers who have an opinion on this and would like to share can PM me, I'd welcome your input).

[dolly]

i don't know what to say, claire.

honestly, if i were one of the wheelers in the class, i think i'd have a big problem with it if i found out.

from your standpoint with BIID, i do see how the class could be appropriate for you. so it's a tricky thing. i feel for you. my frame of reference is very different from yours. however, in the mindset of trying to put myself in your position, i wouldn't do it, personally.

that's not a judgement, just my input after giving it some thought.

[charlene]

I wouldn't do it either...


But then again, every wheeler reacts differently.
Some don't care and others do have a huge problem with it.

[BA]

Sept 19, 2008 23:01:19 GMT -5 dolly said:

i don't know what to say, claire.

honestly, if i were one of the wheelers in the class, i think i'd have a big problem with it if i found out.

from your standpoint with BIID, i do see how the class could be appropriate for you. so it's a tricky thing. i feel for you. my frame of reference is very different from yours. however, in the mindset of trying to put myself in your position, i wouldn't do it, personally.

that's not a judgement, just my input after giving it some thought.

1000 times ditto, Dolly. Claire, I do hold you in the highest regard and think you are a tremedous person, but it just falls on the side of discomfort for me. It is something I know you struggle with, so hard, on a daily basis. I don't know how you do it. It's like you are stuck between two worlds and living fully in neither.

[Claire]

Thanks ladies for your honest yet kind replies.

I have more to tell you but don't want to hijack cwbjr's thread more than I already have...and this isn't even a dev issue anyway so perhaps I've gone off-topic enough.

So, cwbjr, what did you decide?

[cwbjr]

Well, I've finally been contacted by the manager of the team, and while I have yet to call him back, I fully intend to.

I think I am going to do it, long as it fits into my schedule.

Now because I'm a neurotic mess and tend to overthink everything, a host of other concerns arise...

1. Can I convincingly explain my interest in the sport, when I have no interest in others? Maybe I don't have an interest in the sport, necessarily - just an interest in volunteering/helping...

2. How to manage my schedule w/r/t friends/family w/o having to explain what I'm doing? Do I even try to keep this under wraps? If not, I'm afraid I'm starting down a path to outing myself to everyone, and that was never the intent...

3. These guys are jocks - am I putting myself in a situation that's the equivalent of high school gym class? If so, I could be in for a rude awakening. You know, gays and jocks don't typically mix well...

Like I said, I still intend to go through with it and volunteer with the club (if they'll have me). Yes, perhaps I am overthinking it all, and should just go with the flow and see what happens. But that's so not me - I have to analyze everything to death.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I know you got 'em...

[dolly]

1.
stick with the murderball story you mentioned in your first post. i doubt very much if anyone will prod any further. refer to your friend in the midwest if they do.

2.
can you use the same reasonings for friends and family? it would probably be easiest to be up front about what you are doing with your time. no need to complicate matters. they likely would not give it a second thought. you could say you met someone from the team socially or something instead of trying to explain why you volunteered seemingly from out of nowhere. you'll enjoy yourself more if it's not a big secret. just be aware that if you then decide to continue to volunteer for other wheelchair-related causes that it may start to seem a little odd. but at the same time it may actually make for an easier segue into other involvement with these types of organizations.

3.
i think this depends entirely on the personalities on the team. gay men play sports too. and let's remember that (like in gym class) the people most uncomfortable with homosexuality are often ones who may have some issues themselves. only time will tell if you like and 'gel' with the guys on the team. but that would be the case if you were straight as well. if it doesn't work out, then on to the next thing!

good luck and keep us posted!

[Claire]

I like dolly's response. I strongly echo her feelings that you'll enjoy it more if you don't keep it secret!

I don't know where you live but around here you see posters and TV ads encouraging people to volunteer, period. Doesn't matter where. I think it'd be easy to say that you'd been looking for a place to volunteer your time somewhere, and after talking to your friend in the midwest who said that *his* club needed volunteers...bla bla bla. Nobody who doesn't know you're a dev would question this. It's only because you are a dev that you are stressing over it. I can relate.

Regarding my own ethical dilemma, I turned them down. They were disappointed. They keep asking me when I see them. I keep turning them down, and they keep looking disappointed. I finally blurted out that maybe once the roads are too snowy to wheel outside...leaving it open-ended basically because I felt bad turning them down.

One asked me for help obtaining privately a high-end wheelchair part that he feels he needs and "the system" refuses to pay for. Yes, I am keenly aware of the irony -- "the system" SUCKS and I happen to know how to obtain these things on your own. From chatting, they know that "the system" doesn't cover my particular needs (this is not unusual) and that I buy things on my own (this *is* unusual because the stuff is so expensive and usually they can't afford it). So I have been seeing him from time to time, loaning him my own equipment to try out for 3 weeks, and helping him configure it for his needs for eventual purchase on a website where he doesn't speak the language and I need to translate. I don't seek out their company; they seem to come to me, but I absolutely could not refuse that request. I'm actually happy for the chance to give back.

[challenger1000]

Been there done that, man. You're performing a very needed service by volunteering your time to help them. Just like everywhere else in life, ya just gotta be respectful of boundaries.... and open to possibilities.

Worked for me. Hit me up if you'd like to chat more about it.