Hierarchy of Dev Needs

[Ciao Bella]

Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that our most basic needs will have to be met before any other more complicated need is satisfied (or something to that effect). Paraphrase that to mould into a Dev's needs...

I've been thinking about this lately esp. in the light that I am a dev who has found a wonderful, not perfect, relationship with a wheeler. I've realized that ever since our relationship stabilized, I have been able to focus more on taking care of my career which has always remained in the backburner, a distant second to my devness. Pre-relationship, everything else suffered. My career was always stop-and-go. My social life suffered because most times, I would've rathered stayed home and surf the net for anything dev-related as opposed to say, mountain climbing. I graduated much later than my counterparts in Uni because I wanted my thesis to revolve around Disability and Media - which was not approved by my panel. My previous relationships suffered because there was always something missing from these men.

I'm ecstatic that my partner and I are happy in our relationship. My only regret is I wasn't "man enough" to go for what I wanted in the first place. Maybe if I found the right wheeler 10 years ago, I would be regional manager or my company would be in the top 100 in the ASX, or I would've conquered the highest mountains and done all the different dances I could think of.

I wish I had some sort of parting words of wisdom, but I don't because people have different experiences and what I may believe is true for me may not be the same for others. Guess I just wanted to share my thoughts that my dev needs have been met, and now, i can concentrate on other areas of my life that have been ignored and remain unfulfilled.

[doe]

Isabelle, I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. Your time to focus on your career is obviously now. Go for it knowing that you have a good supporting wheeler relationship to back you up !

[Ciao Bella]

Thanks Doe! you're da best!

[Pony]

Hey, I thought the comparison to the Maslow's pyramid of needs was interesting. I think you're right on a lot of different levels because I think I could've been more focused on goals in my life had I found the right girl to settle down with, but I was quite restless i younger years. Just a personal observation!

[Ray T]

I agree it would have been really interesting to find out what it would have been like if i had a few diff things to help me settle down earlyer

[atbrisman]

Wow Isabelle that is exactly what I feel like now. I cant seem to work out what to do with myself aside from spending all my spare time on the web looking for para & dev info/sites etc. I feel like I am completely obsessed and it seems to be swamping other aspects of my life. The more I am honest with myself about my desires the more I seem to spend time looking for anything to do with dis guys. It is almost at the breaking point & I'm not sure if my desire to meet another guy who is a para or quad is that part of me that needs to be satisfied before other parts of my life will then go back to normal/move on or if I am being lazy & avoiding my life. But your comments really hit a chord with me and i can understaned your comments about how things starting working after the dev side of your life had been "put in order". Good luck to you in the future & I hope your career powers ahead.

[devogirl]

Ugh, I go back and forth on this. Several years ago, I spent hours and hours every day, looking for photos or whatever, chatting with other devs via IM until 2 or 3 in the morning. When I would finally haul myself off to bed, exhausted and unsatisfied, I would feel like my life was slowly slipping away. And when I think of all the hours I have spent generating web content (like those reviews) that will only be seen by a few people, well, if I had used that time writing a REAL book, maybe I could have been the next JK Rowling, ha ha.

But, let's keep some perspective here. Everyone I know wastes time on the internet, whether it's looking at funny websites, playing games, or chatting with people they'll never meet. Check out the comments section of any popular website and see how many people have logged thousands of comments. I'm sure if I weren't a dev, I'd still be procrastinating just as much on the internet. Also think about how many hours people spend looking at porn on the internet. Guys may look at more XXX sites, but lots of non-dev women spend a lot of time on erotica sites or reading romances or whatever.

Don't use the amount of time you spend online as another reason to feel bad about being a dev!

As for feeling like your life is not in order because it's so hard to find a partner, I totally sympathize, I have struggled with the same thing. I'm not sure if my career would have been any more successful, but I do feel like if I were not a dev I would have not been single so long. But who knows.

Finally, in response to atbrisman, I know how you feel about the obsessive feelings. Here's what has worked for me:

1. work on meeting disabled people in real life, not just online. That means not just hanging out on this website, but using dating sites, going to disabled sports events, or other community events, etc. And don't dismiss simple friendship--even if you meet someone you're not sexually attracted to or interested in dating, a platonic friendship can also be fulfilling.

2. try to be productive with your obsession, ie, create something rather than just surfing the internet. Write a story, or fan fiction, or reviews. Write a blog. Create videos or art. It's a good way to channel all that energy, and in the end you'll feel better if you have something to show for it besides carpal tunnel syndrome.

[Claire]

Every time I think I'm "settled" I end up coming back at some point! I don't think I'll ever be really "settled"...it just calms down for a while from time to time.

I do regret all the time I've wasted with my obsession(s). Devogirl is spot on on with, well, everything. As usual.

[atbrisman]

Thanks Devogirl and Claire. Devogirl is right and I have been on the cusp of doing some volunteer work or something to change in a direction that will accommodate what I want from that part of my life. Being gay I am even more conscious of turning up to disability groups to help out and being "pegged" as a weirdo etc. I think female devs would have more room to move in the regard. So I am still thinking of what to do but I know that is what action I need to take next. I know it could sound like I dont have a life but I do and I have fantastic friends etc - its just none of them include paras. I like the recommendations to avoid carpel tunnel syndrome and will take that on board as well - I honestly had not thought of writing or something like that as I had not considered myself in that light.

The bit aboout a partner is true and although I could meet someone if I was more open to those around me it would end in the same situation where it affects how I interact as a partner. It has happened in previous realtionships where I have subconsciously withdrawn and part of that has been the dev thing - although each situation had other mitigating circumstances.

Sounds like I am going to get used to varying degrees with which my devness will influence how my daily life goes. It is good to know that others have experienced this as well. Life goes on and I am sure that things will change for the right reason at the time it is meant to. Isabelle's comments provided a support that I didnt know I was looking for. Thank you.

[devogirl]

Happy to help! That's what I'm here for.

I think writing can be very therapeutic, but of course it's not for everyone. But some sort of creative outlet, even if it's just keeping a blog or writing an essay, can be helpful.

Also don't hold back from volunteering with disability groups. In my experience, as long as you actually help out, they are happy to have you there. Based on people I have known, I am convinced that gay men are much more accepting of any other sexual quirks than the straight community. Once you've already gone through the process of coming out, what's another little kink on top of everything else? As long as you are friendly I doubt they will peg you as a weirdo.