Any wannabes here?

[saoirse]

As i might have mentioned, i'm new here, but i'm not new to these feelings.

I'm in limbo a bit at the moment... I've been trying supress my BIID feelings, i have in the past and i know i can again... but, when i do so, my devo feelings hit an all time high...

As long as i'm concentrating on my BIID i honestly believe that the feelings are inward looking.... But then my loins shake when i see something like Avatar and the gorgeous Sam Worthington with his (albeit CGI) atrophied legs...

So where do i fit in? Are my devo feeling highlighted because of the lack of treatment options for BIID, or am i clinging to BIID because it feels less shameful to wish that eventuality on myself rather than someone else who never even considered it as a possibility?

Perhaps i'm so completely out of line talking BIID here on a devo message board - but, for me at least, the two topics are intertwined. Not sure exactly how yet - but hoping someone might be able to give me a push in the right direction.

[dolly]

hi. have you seen this site?

transabled.org/

we have at least one dev member here with BIID and this is the site she usually refers to.

[Claire]

Haha, saoirse, I've been asking myself that question for years. I don't know how the two are related except that there is some scientific evidence that BIID is caused by a neurological problem in the brain. How that is related to devoteeism I wish I knew, but I can't tell you and I don't think anyone else can either! From what I have seen, among people who have both, it's common in men and very uncommon in women.

They are all tangled up together for me too. It's hard to separate the two.

I used to post a lot on transabled.org but I don't anymore...actually I don't even read it anymore. I'm not even active in the BIID community anymore. It helped for a while and helped a LOT undertstanding what is going on with me and how to deal with it, but in the end I just wanted to live my life and not spend it wishing online. I use a wheelchair pretty much full-time now (crutches when I'm walking) and the need to constantly talk about BIID etc online just went away. That helped me at least to get on with life, but the BIID and devoteeism ALWAYS come back.

[Dee Dee]

Jan 5, 2010 11:09:40 GMT -5 Claire said:

Haha, saoirse, I've been asking myself that question for years. I don't know how the two are related except that there is some scientific evidence that BIID is caused by a neurological problem in the brain. How that is related to devoteeism I wish I knew, but I can't tell you and I don't think anyone else can either! From what I have seen, among people who have both, it's common in men and very uncommon in women.

They are all tangled up together for me too. It's hard to separate the two.

I used to post a lot on transabled.org but I don't anymore...actually I don't even read it anymore. I'm not even active in the BIID community anymore. It helped for a while and helped a LOT undertstanding what is going on with me and how to deal with it, but in the end I just wanted to live my life and not spend it wishing online. I use a wheelchair pretty much full-time now (crutches when I'm walking) and the need to constantly talk about BIID etc online just went away. That helped me at least to get on with life, but the BIID and devoteeism ALWAYS come back.

Claire, how have your family (husband/children) and friends reacted towards you using a wheelchair full-time? They are used to see you walking, right? I´m glad to hear, that you´re doing, what you need and want to do , but I was just wondering how people reacted towards you?

[Claire]

Feb 8, 2010 14:46:23 GMT -5 Dee Dee said:

Claire, how have your family (husband/children) and friends reacted towards you using a wheelchair full-time? They are used to see you walking, right? I´m glad to hear, that you´re doing, what you need and want to do , but I was just wondering how people reacted towards you?

I sort of eased into it over a period of a year and a half. Walking less and less and using my chair more and more. It was pretty dramatic for me the first time I had to meet a friend or family member while using my chair (or walking with crutches) because there was some awkwardness, questions, people not sure how to react or how much help I needed or didn't need. I came to realize pretty quickly though that it was a bigger deal for me than for them, and that usually after that first meeting, the ice was broken and things were okay. They are used to see me walking, yes, but with crutches, or when in the house, I just walk slow and never very far, not a huge house.

I think it was hardest for my husband because it was really hard for him to not think of it as "faking" pure and simple, since he knew about BIID (without really understanding it). I can't blame him and I'm still not sure he really gets it, but he accepts it now, and when we go places he loads up my chair for me, or pops the wheels on it sometimes, stuff like that. Other times he does forget and does some things that make me really nervous that people might wonder why he's not taking his wife's disability into consideration. I think he still thinks it's REALLY WEIRD but he's gotten used to me doing this, and he's also seen that aside from this odd character trait, I actually lead a really normal and productive life as a mother and a professional, that I take good care of the kids and the household, have normal friendships, don't require a lot of help, etc.

My kids also were introduced gradually to it and they are pretty used to it by now. I make sure that they never suffer for it by having to miss activities and I find lots of things that we can do together. I will admit that they do have to help me by performing tasks that I can't do (like mow the lawn) but they are old enough to be doing that anyway and it's good for them to learn to help people and do chores around the house. I am ocassionally rewarded with some awesome comment from them like "Yeah but being in a wheelchair doesn't mean you're stupid!" and they are learing that people who use wheelchairs to get around are really active and productive. I also take care to let them know how really fortunate I am because I can still walk some.

I am one of those people who feels guilty about everything anyway and this is no exception...so I try to make sure that at least regarding my wheelchair use, I have the fewest possible things to feel guilty about, or I couldn't live with myself.

[Dee Dee]

Thank you for explaining, Claire. What you say makes good sense to me .

[Ciao Bella]

Not me personally, but my ex-husband was an amputee wannabe - left leg above knee to be precise. When I met him, I knew he was a wannabe and I didn't mind. That was his thing and my thing was being a devo. Although I have to say that when he got into that wannabe frame of mind, he also had devo feelings as well, which made no sense to me. Anyway, One of the main reasons why the marriage didn't last was because he eventually only wanted to have sex in the wannabe context. That was not fair to me, I felt, and ensured he knew where I was coming from. But he didn't want to fix it. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't asking him to give up being a wannabe...just wanted to have sex normally sometimes...

[Neffie]

I really think it's great you're being so honest on here even though it's not a wannabe site.
I have been contacted by Pretenders wanting me to have sex with them which is a whole other thing. I must admit i was pretty rude in my response although I never generally judge people on their sexual associations.

I have dealt with being a dev and find it neither harmful nor weird. I consider men in chairs as a preference much like men consider brown hair or big tits to be a preference.
I have never considered amputees attractive although I would never consider it an impediment either...if it was the right guy.

I think that was always the clue for me...the right man. They are few and far between and whilst a chair can get me going the man in it could leave me cold.

I find this interesting because I am trying to recall having any wannabe feelings and I can't. I have dreams or fantasies where I am rescued and carried away from something but don't have that same THING.
I don't think they are intrinsically linked to be honest. I don't want to be in a chair at all...
I can't believe you came out with it though Claire, that took some freakin guts. To use a chair in front of your family etc, I don't know what to say. I respect the fact you're true to yourself but also have to say kudos to your partner for dealing because not many would.
I have never been on a BIID site and don't judge those who do but I think in the dev world we're a bit more focused on the subject of our affections rather than our own physique.

Having said that, looking at the pic page most of us are HOT

[wheelbaby]

Dear Saoirse & others,

You're not alone, I'm a dev+wan myself, and thinking about my BIID and such things... I think there's nothing surprising in the fact that there can be a link between how one would like love himself/herself and what sort of people he/she likes to look at.
Spiritual ones say: what's inside that's outside I've eve found a study on BIID that says there's small wonder one loves himself/herself as a disabled person and paralelly with this seeks the company of disabled ones. As our mind creates a bond between the way how we can be love-able and the object of love.
Only what's inside can mirror outside, they say

Anyway, we shouldn't put any pressure on our feelings, hearts - it's not a healthy way of being, I think.
I'm almost sure there are many wannabes amongst devotees... only speaking about ourselves, wishing to change our physical condition... perhaps it's harder than admitting 'I love disabled men/women'.

*hugs Saoirse*


P.S.: Sent you message.