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Post by mariposa on Jul 25, 2010 16:48:52 GMT -5
I've just finished reading a novel by Paul Auster. The protagonist falls in love with a woman with a facial birthmark, and I know that the sex is wrong, and that she's not a wheeler, but I found the following speech revealing:
"Other people carried their humanity inside them, but I wore mine on my face. That was the difference between me and everyone else. I wasn't allowed to hide who I was. Every time people looked at me, they were looking right into my soul. I wasn't a bad looking girl-I knew that-but I also knew that I would always be defined by that purple blotch on my face. There was no use trying to get rid of it. It was the central fact of my life, and to wish it away would have been like asking to destroy myself. I was never going to have an ordinary kind of happiness, but after I read that story, I realised that I had something almost as good. I knew what people were thinking. All I had to do was look at them, study their reactions when they saw the left side of their face, and I could tell whether they could be trusted or not. The birthmark was the test of their humanity. It measured the worth of their souls, and if I worked hard at it, I could see straight into them and know who they were."
I'm not sure if my feelings are realistic, but I have this idea, that is strongly linked to my devness, that a physical disability or 'difference', something that you can't hide, leads to a kind of vulnerability that can either make or break you. It can be frustrating in this life to constantly have to break through barriers in life before you can truly get to know a person of the opposite sex; men AND women rely on a version of how they want to be seen, rather than who they really are. Is devness, and the feelings that spring from this, somehow linked to the idea that a person with a physical disability has no choice but to wear their inside on their outside, and is therefore more emotionally accessible? In other words, you can't pretend to be totally invulnerable as the physical disability is screaming otherwise and this is more honest, as nobody, disabled or otherwise is invulnerable. Everybody has their weaknesses and confusingly, this makes up part of a person's attractiveness: who wants a relationship with a robot? So you can possibly cut through the crap more immediately, but this may be a romantic notion, or possibly a generalisation.
Another point that springs to mind, is the self awareness of devs. When you feel something different to the 'norm', you tend to self examine your feelings and motives. I've been astonished by the self-awareness of women on this forum, for example. This is possibly a serendipitous connection that devs and wheelers may share - a by product, if you like.
Anyway, just some thoughts on the subject. Oh, and the book's a cracker, by the way. Highly recommended!
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Post by Dee Dee on Jul 25, 2010 17:23:06 GMT -5
Mariposa, thank you for a well-written and well-thought-out post! I can see your point about being more vulnerable having to "wear" a disability out in the open, all the time, unable to hide it ... but I´m not sure that that makes, say, wheelers, all the more emotionally accessible ... Disability could also result in a strong wish to hide oneself, not go out in the open and lead to severe social malfunctions. It would depend on the person in question though, but I´m really not sure that extra personal vulnerability makes people open up more. However, I´m quite convinced that precisely that vulnerability speaks to the devness - as men (i.e. wheelers, here) letting down their fences can be very attractive. Plus I´m quite sure that the vulnerability that lies in the disability itself also appeals to the caring and nursing side of the devness. You raise a very interesting and important issue, Mari, thanks for that  |
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Post by faith on Jul 25, 2010 17:49:22 GMT -5
Mariposa- Wow... this post really struck a cord with me.
Although my devness is very much rooted- maybe 80%- in a sexual attraction, your have NAILED my other 20%. THAT is it.
I SO strongly desire a relationship that is real, authentic, deep and, yes, vulnerable. Do wheelers have more more of a vulnerability others? I am guessing that some do and some don't. Very much like the general population.
But if I were to paint a picture of the perfect man for me- it would be someone who is a wheeler AND who is real, authentic and vulnerable. With vulnerability comes trust.
And of course that guy has to be intelligent, articulate, romantic, makes me laugh.
But the vulnerability that you describe is the rest of the picture for me... besides the sheer sexual attraction of a hot wheeler.
And... I don't want, nor will settle, for anything less than a mix of the two.
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Post by mariposa on Jul 25, 2010 18:16:35 GMT -5
"Disability could also result in a strong wish to hide oneself, not go out in the open and lead to severe social malfunctions. It would depend on the person in question though, but I´m really not sure that extra personal vulnerability makes people open up more."
Hi Devina, I completely agree with that statement, which is partly why not all devs find all wheelers attractive: we're discriminating, just as everyone else is in their tastes. First of all the man in question has to be somebody who appeals to our personal requirements of personality, looks etc, but they also have to be strong in who they are and not ashamed of what they are. This is true for me at least. This is why I spoke about the whole 'making or breaking' thing.
It's also a romantic notion to assume that all people with disabilities are more in touch with their emotions, cliched even, but I think that a man who has come to terms with his visible vulnerabilities, and is still strong and manly and emotionally literate, is extra sexy. And the thing that causes that sexiness is an appealing combination of vulnerability and being OK with having that on display and I think that's only possible for any man or woman who is good at examining their own inner life.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 25, 2010 18:21:15 GMT -5
It's also a romantic notion to assume that all people with disabilities are more in touch with their emotions, cliched even, but I think that a man who has come to terms with his visible vulnerabilities, and is still strong and manly and emotionally literate, is extra sexy. And the thing that causes that sexiness is an appealing combination of vulnerability and being OK with having that on display and I think that's only possible for any man or woman who is good at examining their own inner life. Love this... |
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Post by mariposa on Jul 25, 2010 18:25:24 GMT -5
Do wheelers have more more of a vulnerability others?
I don't think wheelers are necessarily more vulnerable, it's more that their vulnerability is out in the open. It's impossible to avoid, and the well adjusted amongst us are not scared to acknowledge and discuss our vulnerabilities and this applies to everyone, not just wheelers. The wheeler who has come to terms with their own self is a very attractive being indeed. There is nothing I find more unattractive than an emotionally illiterate meathead who is terrified of admitting that he might, just might, be flawed in some way. We all have flaws, the trick is to embrace and acknowledge, rather than stuff down the back of the sofa.
I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a particularly corny self-help book, with my flakey metaphors...
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Post by mariposa on Jul 25, 2010 18:27:05 GMT -5
It's also a romantic notion to assume that all people with disabilities are more in touch with their emotions, cliched even, but I think that a man who has come to terms with his visible vulnerabilities, and is still strong and manly and emotionally literate, is extra sexy. And the thing that causes that sexiness is an appealing combination of vulnerability and being OK with having that on display and I think that's only possible for any man or woman who is good at examining their own inner life. Love this... |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 25, 2010 18:46:37 GMT -5
Do wheelers have more more of a vulnerability others? I don't think wheelers are necessarily more vulnerable, it's more that their vulnerability is out in the open. It's impossible to avoid, and the well adjusted amongst us are not scared to acknowledge and discuss our vulnerabilities and this applies to everyone, not just wheelers. The wheeler who has come to terms with their own self is a very attractive being indeed. There is nothing I find more unattractive than an emotionally illiterate meathead who is terrified of admitting that he might, just might, be flawed in some way. We all have flaws, the trick is to embrace and acknowledge, rather than stuff down the back of the sofa. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a particularly corny self-help book, with my flakey metaphors... This is funny, because I may be the meathead. I'm well aware that I have flaws but I can't seem to embrace them. I still fight and worry and fret and let all that stuff wear me down. It seems like there's such a drive for perfection, you know? And, in spite of being told repeatedly that we love each other for our vulnerabilities and loving them in others, I have the hardest time accepting mine. But maybe it just gives me something to fret over because I don't know that I'm really working constructively to eliminate any of them. Another thing is... I've come to a place where I've decided I'm happier with myself if I don't delve into all this devness anymore. But I love reading this introspection. |
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Post by dolly on Jul 25, 2010 23:26:24 GMT -5
It's also a romantic notion to assume that all people with disabilities are more in touch with their emotions, cliched even, but I think that a man who has come to terms with his visible vulnerabilities, and is still strong and manly and emotionally literate, is extra sexy. And the thing that causes that sexiness is an appealing combination of vulnerability and being OK with having that on display and I think that's only possible for any man or woman who is good at examining their own inner life. i agree with faith that my devness is 80% based on physical/sexual attraction. but, like clover, i also loved the above quote and i think that is definitely a part of that other 20% for me. (again, noting that disability does not automatically = increased emotional accessibility.) i have always said that i love a man with strength of character. that is sometimes hard to define in words but i know it when i see it. and i think that quote definitely encapsulates an example of it. i certainly do think that being a dev has caused me to be more introspective about my feelings and motives and that has led to an ongoing curiousity about my inner workings and tendencies. this can be a great thing sometimes but can also be a little crazy-making.  i think with the type of guy who uses his disability as a catalyst for internal growth there is definitely the potential for a serendipitous connection on that level. it is indeed, what i'd ideally like to find. that being said, we are all works in progress and even when we get one area of our lives or ourselves sorted, there is always more work to do. you can't be on a full-time self-improvement/awareness kick 24/7. mindless silliness and fun and the ability to laugh with yourself is an essential component of maintaining balance and levity in life. i've found that the right life lessons often come to you in the form of people or events whether or not you are looking for them. or even want them. lol great topic, mariposa! |
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Post by Devoblue on Aug 5, 2010 11:51:19 GMT -5
Do wheelers have more more of a vulnerability others? I don't think wheelers are necessarily more vulnerable, it's more that their vulnerability is out in the open. It's impossible to avoid, and the well adjusted amongst us are not scared to acknowledge and discuss our vulnerabilities and this applies to everyone, not just wheelers. The wheeler who has come to terms with their own self is a very attractive being indeed. There is nothing I find more unattractive than an emotionally illiterate meathead who is terrified of admitting that he might, just might, be flawed in some way. We all have flaws, the trick is to embrace and acknowledge, rather than stuff down the back of the sofa. I'm aware I'm starting to sound like a particularly corny self-help book, with my flakey metaphors... This is funny, because I may be the meathead. I'm well aware that I have flaws but I can't seem to embrace them. I still fight and worry and fret and let all that stuff wear me down. It seems like there's such a drive for perfection, you know? And, in spite of being told repeatedly that we love each other for our vulnerabilities and loving them in others, I have the hardest time accepting mine. But maybe it just gives me something to fret over because I don't know that I'm really working constructively to eliminate any of them. Another thing is... I've come to a place where I've decided I'm happier with myself if I don't delve into all this devness anymore. But I love reading this introspection. I think i've reached this place as well. I'm much more content without trying to analyse the deep roots of it all. I know that I can indulge when I need/want to and that I have the acceptance of a community that gets it. Best leave the rest alone for me. I think its just human nature to not be able to accept in yourself what you can embrace in others. It's hard to get to a point where you can say perfection isn't attainable for me or for anyone and actually that's ok. I guess my flaws and vulnerabilities are what makes me the person I am, good and bad. I also agree that a guy who has accepted the vulnerabilities he has and still has a strength and confidence is unbelievably sexy and appealing in a mate. And, there's nothing wrong with a little romantic notion from time to time.  |
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i think with the type of guy who uses his disability as a catalyst for internal growth there is definitely the potential for a serendipitous connection on that level. it is indeed, what i'd ideally like to find.
