acceptance

[dolly]

so, reading (w)hole and the subsequent board discussions has got me thinking about this.

it seems like many of us 'old school' devs have really wrestled with our devness and that it has caused us quite a bit of angst, inner turmoil, paranoia...lol...you get the drift.

recently some newer posters have come on the scene who seem to have more of an upbeat and positive experience with their devness. and more power to them.

it makes me wonder if there are reasons for these divergent experiences, besides basic personality differences.

things i've been wondering about are:


a)
whether it has something to do with the age in which you discover you are 'not alone' and that there is an actual name for what you are

and

b)
whether or not you feel quite exclusively attracted to disabled men and/or choose to pursue them.



i know that being well into adulthood by the time i discovered what i was and that there were others like me really affected my sense myself in the world. i believe younger devs who have access to the internet and places like PD have the opportunity to integrate this facet of their personality into their lives in a more functional, balanced way. i often wonder how different my life might have been if the internet had been invented ten years earlier.

it also seems to me that if i wasn't actually ideally seeking a disabled partner and/or engaging with real-life disabled men in the 'real world', it would take a lot of the pressure, guilt, fear away and i might be able to fully enjoy my devness as more of a pastime and an interesting quirk.

maybe it just IS a personality thing. i'm definitely a seeker, an introspective sort who tends to over-analyze things, often to my own detriment.

just wondering what others think?

[Cake]

Great topic, Dolly!
I think you're right on all accounts.

When I think about our chats and all the devs here, there definitely seems to be a trend of younger Devs being happier with themselves - although there are exceptions. Who knows how I would feel about myself if I had found PD ten years later, maybe I would have a big guilt and coping problem too.


On the other hand, I think other factors plays a bigger role than age.

For one, there's personality. Sure, that can have an influence. But I don't think it's about being someone who over-analyzed anything vs. someone who just lives. I'm full of dark places and self-doubt and I can't EVER stop thinking and wondering about ANYTHING. But I still feel pretty good about my devness, at least as far as non-guilt and acceptance go.

Many here have mentioned that their upbringing played a big role. Those who were raised to feel guilty about a lot of things in life, are likely predisposed to feel VERY guilty about their Dev-feelings.


And I think you're also spot-on about the exclusiveness thing. A Dev who can only ever be attracted to a guy who's disabled may have a much harder time, because the prospect of ever finding a partner seems more unlikely to her at times.
I'm not an "exclusive" Dev and I'm sure that helps a lot when it comes to accepting and enjoying it.

[Emma]

Dolly, I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner, this is a great topic and something I have wondered a lot about since joining the board. A brief background for those that don't know. I'm 32 and discovered the world of devs online in about 2000 when I was around 21. I guess I fit into your category of a "younger dev" and a "newer poster".

I think your right on about the whole internet thing and I wonder if I would have discovered my devness earlier in life had the internet been around and accessible. While I do think I have been able to integrate my devness into my life I too feel like I was a bit late to the game as well. In no way was I able to plan for it in terms of my education/career and all my younger dating experiences were with AB guys.

As a side note... I know of some older male devs who (not on this board obviously) who discovered they were not alone through the old ICQ chat rooms and by seeing pictures cut out of medical texts they were trolling for pictures. I certainly was not computer savvy enough at that time to have found those places as a teenager but they did exist and some found solace there.

As for the issue of exclusivity....are you saying that you have decided that you will only date a disabled guy? I can't say that I have met anyone who crossed AB guys off the list completely. I think we all want dating to be easy and AB guys are SO much easier in terms of being readily accessible. I know I spent years looking for the right guy who was also an amputee. I was often discouraged by how few guys I found out there, so I mostly dated AB guys. I think that did take the pressure off finding my perfect disabled guy and helped me pass the time while I searched for that needle in a haystack guy. Additionally, dating AB guys convinced me that I am a dev through and through and highlighted that I could not push my dev-ness away and be happy with an AB guy. I guess I did spend years trying to not be a dev.

I also think a large part feeling okay about being a dev can be chalked up to personality.

[Neffie]

Brilliant topic
I love these things as I was a dev very early on and I knew it.
It was a secret I kept for a long time but I remember the first weekend I had a computer. OMG I went for it!!!
That was the weekend I found out about wanking.
I don't thiink I left my room the entire weekend. By the end of it I was ejaculating into pint glasses.

So, yeah, it's brave to come out so young cos lots of us struggle.

[Devoblue]

I really wish I could have been in on the chat sessions that have gone on to talk about all these things but I haven't managed to work out the timings yet. Soon hopefully!

Back to topic - I also think personality plays a big role. I have always been a more insecure person (until more recent yrs) and I think that definitely impacted how much guilt and turmoil I felt about my devness. I tend to think that someone who is by nature a more confident person would have less of that turmoil. I've come a long way to building my confidence and my self acceptance over the last little while and i'm glad that i'm at the point where I can enjoy it all a bit more. I still have my days where I regress and feel the veil of shame come over but those times are fewer and farther between.

[dolly]

Dec 18, 2010 18:07:49 GMT -5 lucretia said:

I'd try to arrange circumstances to feed my dev feelings in such a way that nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

i can totally relate to this.

and i loved your photo story... lol

[dolly]

it's been interesting to hear everyone's take on this so far. thanks!

[xana]

This is jumble up probably sorry. I only found out about the term Devotee in my mid 20's so that was four years ago but I knew I was attracted to wheeler since I was a kid. so I had time to adjust and accept that my choice of guys was different from my friends.

But when you are a kid its ok some might say its just a phase i never grew out of which I never want to but it would have been nice to have known what it was all about sooner but due to my curiousity i ate up books that talked about disability, the human body trying to grasp what it was all about. anyway I have always known that I was different and I am glad of that difference and now I understand it a little better and i am glad to know that I am not alone and I am not weird you ladies understand it but others might not get it which can be frustrating at times.

I am really glad to have found this site and will always be grateful to the wheeler who introduced me to it.

[Neffie]

as an old schooler I feel it's my responsibility to take on the younger crowd.

I'm possibly the worst mentor you can find as I've battled with this since I was 10 but i can tell them one thing. I believe in honesty and I believe you need to speak to someone. Not a Priest or anything. Find a gay person!
I don't know how it goes but I know I'm 33 and will be 34 this weekend. If I don't straddle a naked wheller in 2011 then I am just giving in!