So I told my mom....

[~Z28gal~]

I told my mom about being a dev... Her response was "Are you sure it's not because you just haven't met the right guy yet?"

Face palm.

I stole a line from the board, and said that me marrying an AB guy would be like a gay guy marrying a woman, and that seemed to help. Any other suggestions for helping people understand? I've been thinking about telling her to read (W)hole, but I'm not sure. Thoughts?

[ruthmadison]

Good for you! That's an enormously difficult thing to do.

Of course not everyone even wants their parents to know, but for me I wanted my mom to know and I wanted her to accept me as I am. I thought, how can she love me when she doesn't know this huge part of who I am?

We're still fighting about it. A lot of the issues that she has are going to show up in (w)hole the sequel!

I think, in the future, with telling people, I'm going to print out the FAQ section of this website, it does an amazing job summing it all up and sounding sane and reasonable.

I guess it depends on the individual mom, what her problems with it will be. I would remind her that there are some great disabled guys out there who deserve love and you're in a great position to provide it for one of them!

I stress a lot to my family the parallels with homosexuality. This isn't something that they did to me, there isn't something wrong with me, I was born this way and we've got to move forward from there (of course, they think I was born this way because of mistakes in a past life...) For my mom, it seems important to remind her that it isn't anything she did wrong, it's not that she was a bad mother, it's not something she could have fixed or changed or done differently.

Why are you limiting yourself and why make life more difficult for yourself are things that gay people hear too and some good responses can be found by looking at how they have handled the issues.

[Lee]

The FAQ section was written by Devogirl.

Actually, I've imposed upon her to write an intro to the book, but now I'm wondering if it might not be better to just use her FAQ as the intro. What do you think? Devogirl? Bueller?

[devogirl]

D'oh! Yes! I will get you a new intro ASAP. Thanks for the kind words about the FAQ. I was also asked to write a new FAQ for the board covering some topics that get brought up repeatedly. I'm still planning on doing that too.

Oh and z28gal good for you for talking with your mother. It's really hard, I know. I don't have many suggestions, I have found some people just don't get it. With parents I think it's important to stress repeatedly that this is what makes you happy, and no, you're not suffering from low self-esteem. The gay analogy is probably the best--it's not going to go away, it's just part of who you are.

[ruthmadison]

Feb 1, 2011 19:58:05 GMT -5 devogirl said:

D'oh! Yes! I will get you a new intro ASAP. Thanks for the kind words about the FAQ. I was also asked to write a new FAQ for the board covering some topics that get brought up repeatedly. I'm still planning on doing that too.

Oh and z28gal good for you for talking with your mother. It's really hard, I know. I don't have many suggestions, I have found some people just don't get it. With parents I think it's important to stress repeatedly that this is what makes you happy, and no, you're not suffering from low self-esteem. The gay analogy is probably the best--it's not going to go away, it's just part of who you are.

To piggy back on this, my therapist said that my mom needs to learn to be happy that I'm happy and not worry about the details of why I'm happy!

[~Z28gal~]

I don't think she's thought far enough along to get to the "Could this be my fault?" question, thank god. I do remind her that this is what makes me happy, and I think she will accept that. I haven't told her the term "devotee" and asked her not to google anything, because I'm so afraid of what she'll find. It wasn't an easy conversation, but I know in the long run it's going to make our relationship stronger because I won't have to lie about my new boyfriend to keep her from guessing, and it will head off the "Why are you with this guy?" questions to some extent. But I can't IMAGINE telling my dad.... oh god. <shudder>

[ruthmadison]

I have the opposite problem! My dad is a lot easier to talk to

[lavly]

Feb 2, 2011 11:39:39 GMT -5 ~Z28gal~ said:

But I can't IMAGINE telling my dad.... oh god. <shudder>

i think its so cool that you have told someone ... but dont you think your mum will tell your dad?

[jordsbaby]

Thankfully my mother and father don't speak more than once a year, and usually the conversations only involve talking about myself and my brother. I can't imagine telling either of them, although if I did I think my dad would be the more accepting one. My eldest brother knows (by accident!) and seems to be perfectly okay with it. Then again, he's gay. Maybe it relates.

[~Z28gal~]

I specifically asked my mom not to tell my dad. Even if she does, I don't mind him knowing as long as he never, ever mentions it to me. My sister knows too and is totally cool about it - but then again, she has her own quirks and is very open-minded.

[ruthmadison]

My brother also found out a while ago and it has never been a big deal to him. He's quite an easy going type and when I told him he just shrugged and said it didn't seem so bad.

[~Z28gal~]

I wonder how much of that is a function of age? I wish there was a way to decouple age and relationship... I need independent variables to test this theory!!!
I've been doing WAY too much probability homework.

[ruthmadison]

Yes, I think the generation has an effect. For my parents, growing up in the 1950s, reputation mattered a lot. You kept your desires to yourself and if you deviated even slightly from the norm, everyone would talk about you and it could ruin your future (I've been watching some episodes of Mad Men and it's scary, I'm having more sympathy for my parents). They worry about what me being open and honest about my sexuality could do to my future, to my job possibilities and my romantic possibilities. They don't want people gossiping about me.

For me, I've never seen any of that happen. I grew up in the 80s, and obviously it's now much more about personal autonomy and independence, doing one's own thing. There are so many visible deviations from the norm that it's much harder to ruin one's reputation!

Another aspect of siblings, though, is that they have a lot less at stake than parents do. My brother doesn't care how weird I want to be. He just rolls his eyes and tells me I'm a dork. For my parents, they see my behavior as a reflection on how they raised me and they think that others will judge them and their ability to parent based on me, which might be true.

[ruthmadison]

I just had a rather amazing experience with my mother.

We are at a small temple town in southern India, going to visit a guru each day and ask for blessings. My mother decided to ask the guru for a blessing for me to find a suitable husband!

That night there was yet another darshan (two a day every day!) and I didn't want to go. She came back and said that as soon as they arrived she saw a wheelchair outside (She was unable to describe what kind of wheelchair it was...)

She said that inside was a man about forty who was having a lot of trouble walking and she figured it belonged to him.

She took it as a sign that the guru approves of my...inclinations.

So, things are evolving interestingly. Apparently she is now okay with me being a dev, but she is still not okay with me writing about it and she wishes there were a support group for parents.

[~Z28gal~]

Oh WOW Ruth, that's AMAZING!!!!
So happy for you!