Insult or compliment?

[sgtgonzo]

So I'm at the grocery store. I'm looking for parking and see an open handicap spot. A lady pulls up to it at the same time. Being a gentleman I allow her to take it. The old weren't out in force today so I lucked out and found another across from her. As she exits, she WALKS out and just glances at my van. I have retired Marine stickers and my plates spell out devil dog with the little wheelchair guy as the O and G.

Normally, I would give an able bodied person an ugly look for taking a spot reserved for someone who needs it more but, I was in a good mood. I do my lite shopping and go to the checkout. It was a bit full so I go to the express "10 item or less" line. I had like 13 things in my basket though. Hey, sometimes you pull your cripple card sometimes you don't. Today I was using it.

So I'm behind this lady and she asks me if I was in the military. Being polite I replied. Then she says, oh I was in a wheelchair when I broke my leg. She goes on how badly people treated her and how she hated it. In my head the sarcastic side is screaming Lady! do you really think I need to hear about how bad it can be. You rude b!t@h, do you honestly think you can relate a broken leg with being a paraplegic... so on. Then comes the kicker. Did you get hurt in the war?

Now although I was hurt on active duty, it was not combat related. At this point I'm uncomfortable with the whole situation. I tolerated her story of how she felt disrespected during her couple months in a wheelchair and how people treated her. I was taken back and speechless for a second. How do you ask a paraplegic to relive his injury in the grocery store in the express line between the Lindsey Lohan and snickers?

I regrouped and after a second simply said Afghanistan, no details. I couldnt decide between Iraq. I figured this would shut her up. Nope. They begin bagging her stuff and the checkout girl starts to scan my stuff. Then the lady pulls out her credit card and says let me get your groceries. My eyes widen... Mam I cannot let you buy my groceries!... Oh know I insist, please let me get them... That will be $29. I look at the cashier and she gives me that look back like, dude let her. Again I insist... Swipe.

I was in one half flattered but, on the other side somewhat insulted. Where did this lady get off. I'm disabled not destitute. I was thinking that she must be justifying this with, oh he's disabled poor thing let me buy him food. I had all these feelings going on. I mean I can afford to buy milk! I don't need handouts. She tries to joke and say you should have got more stuff, you sure you don't need anything else? Then the cue de gra face shot. Are you doing ok now?

How does one respond to this action? I was perfectly fine before I decided to test Karma and sneak my 3 extra items past the person behind me. I try to justify by saying well maybe she knows someone in the military, she saw a special on 20/20 about PTSD, a cougar devo, I tried to rationalize it. I just say yes I'm doing ok. Like I was supposed to say no. Lets hang out at bubble gum machine and let me tell you my life story. As I leave the store, I notice it's the same lady I gave the spot up for. Guilty conscious she took a handicap spot?

In the end I got free food but, it tastes in part bitter. I don't know if it was a compliment or insult.

[ruthmadison]

I really don't think that was a cougar dev. Devs are not likely to act like you can't manage your own life

[sgtgonzo]

A compliment is nice but, I just felt my groceries crossed a line. lol

[ruthmadison]

The whole thing just sounds rude and ridiculous to me. This woman clearly has not read the essay on my blog about how to talk to someone in a wheelchair (hint: just like anyone else! Duh!)

[sunnydays]

Hmmm, it's difficult to say what her intentions were. Regardless as to how she meant it, her questions were clearly inappropriate and without restraint. (Wow, that describes about 90+% of population... go figure!) I just have the gut feeling that she is also the type of person who would go up to a police officer (in uniform) and ask them how many people they shot, or a doctor and ask how many times a patient has died on them. Does she mean to make those around her uncomfortable? Who knows... The road to hell is paved with good intentions and I find that those who "mean the best" are the ones I need to watch out for the most. (But I've been forced into therapy way too much, so I'm a little cynical. Where they don't want to "council" you - just "talk." Asshats!)

That being said, when it comes to her buying your groceries, it may have been guilt driven - especially if she recognized you as the driver who gave up the handicapped spot in order for her to hang her little tag (if she had one) and realized she had been caught. Or it could have been a gesture of "thanks" for your service to our country. Because of how she did address you, as tactless as it was, I think it was more gratitude based instead of guilt based.

Also - if she felt guilty, or embarrassed, by being caught I think she would have completely ignored you - the head down, averting her eyes in an "if I can't see him then he can't see me routine." I try to do that whenever I'm at the mall and the P.I.T.A. people at the phones booths try to talk to me. [As long as you don't make eye contact they can't see you!]

That's my $.02 at least.

[Pony]

Maybe inappropriate, but I was laughing inside reading ur story, as I've def had similar situations, although mine's not military related. Some peeps are DYING to know what happened, so if they have ANY contact, that's a license to pop the Q - not marriage! It was all for HER benefit so she can tell her neighbor how she bought your groceries. This type of situation is hard t handle, and reminds me that we're never really going to be looked at as an equal in some minds. The military thang has many people in a funny situation coz some peeps feel very guilty our guys/gals are over there still dying for...our freedom!?!?! They have less sympathy for me when i tell them I was drunk, ran off the road into tree. I should add....'in Iraq!!' lol

[MarineAmp]

Gonzo,

Being another disabled vet, all I can say is this is going to happen a lot. Actually I can say more....

I've actually had a similar thing happen to me, but I was actually still at Walter Reed doing prosthetic work. I had gone to a PX there to get some small amount of groceries for the Mologne House. Some woman officer, I think she was Lt. Col. Right off the bat she kind of pissed me off, because she felt she had to bend over and talk to me. That is one thing that annoys me, talk to me like an adult, stand up straight.

Then she proceeded to want to buy my food. There was no way I was letting that happen at this point. Lucky for her she had some bling on collar, other wise I might not have kept my tact when telling her she wasn't going to buy my food.

I've had a lot of weird encounters with random people out in public ever since as well. One of the worst was also in a grocery store. I was shopping with my wife, but I think we had missed something from the previous aisle, so I went back to get it and some guy comes up to me asks if I was wounded in combat, so I politely tell him yes, then out of nowhere this guy just starts crying and wants to shake my hand for like a minute straight. I had to pull my hand back eventually and I had to get away from that guy. Pity is the last thing I want from anyone.

However there are other nice things that can come from being a disabled vet. My wife and I have had quite a few meals paid for anonymously. This kind of sounds hypocritical, but it is one thing asking to pay for something because you feel sorry for someone, versus anonymously paying for a dinner and telling the waitress to say thank you for your service. We do generally ask who paid for our meal, but they usually say that they were told not to tell.

I think it is natural that more things will tend to annoy you being in a chair, but just expect some stuff to happen, then that way it won't push your buttons as badly.

[mehandi]

People can be incredibly dense and insensitive when confronted with anything outside their worldview. We have a family friend who's been blind since birth, and uses a guide dog. We used to demonstrate making crafts at craft fairs, re-enactments etc and used to hear the stupidest things come out of people's mouths. My favorite was the woman who moved past our friend, stopped in front of my mom and me, and said to us in a very loud voice "Did you know she's b-l-i-n-d?" My mother's response - "And she can spell too."

Chalk it up to her narrow worldview, and hopefully you won't run into her again.

[ruthmadison]

Apr 11, 2011 20:40:11 GMT -5 mehandi said:

People can be incredibly dense and insensitive when confronted with anything outside their worldview. We have a family friend who's been blind since birth, and uses a guide dog. We used to demonstrate making crafts at craft fairs, re-enactments etc and used to hear the stupidest things come out of people's mouths. My favorite was the woman who moved past our friend, stopped in front of my mom and me, and said to us in a very loud voice "Did you know she's b-l-i-n-d?" My mother's response - "And she can spell too."

Chalk it up to her narrow worldview, and hopefully you won't run into her again.

Wow, that is quite a story! It amazes me that people can be so ignorant.

Why is it that people assume that someone with a disability can't do something rather than the other way around?

It just reminds me of when someone I went to school with made a comment about how blind people couldn't tell the time. I informed him that there were braille watches and he was stunned.

For me, I know that there might be some things that some people can't do, but I start out on the assumption that they can, though it might be in a different way than how I do it. There's a lot of creativity out there, so my assumption is much more likely to be true than the assumption that most people seem to make, that a person with a disability cannot do anything at all!

[sunnydays]

Apr 11, 2011 20:40:11 GMT -5 mehandi said:

"Did you know she's b-l-i-n-d?" My mother's response - "And she can spell too."

Chalk it up to her narrow worldview, and hopefully you won't run into her again.

LMAO...

I was listening to a corporate speaker at my office who was deaf. She told a story about a time she was flying and her companion asked for a menu so they could order food (clearly in the first class section). The flight attendent nodded and brought her a brail menu.

Ba-dump-bump.

[Pony]

It runs the gamut BOTH ways...sometimes they refuse accept your limitations! That's happened to me MANY times...one guy that i've known a long time refused to hit fists together, demanding i open my hand to shake. I said 'i can't do it!' He said 'yes you can...' I said 'look, it's paralyzed...if i could open it, i would.' IDIOT!

[ruthmadison]

Apr 12, 2011 18:17:17 GMT -5 Pony said:

It runs the gamut BOTH ways...sometimes they refuse accept your limitations! That's happened to me MANY times...one guy that i've known a long time refused to hit fists together, demanding i open my hand to shake. I said 'i can't do it!' He said 'yes you can...' I said 'look, it's paralyzed...if i could open it, i would.' IDIOT!

Oh my goodness! I haven't ever seen that happen before. Jeez.

[Phil]

If I could change one thing about AB attitudes about disability it's this. 'I know my limitations better than you. I know what I can can't doo and I don't need you to decide for me. Thanks.'

Of course, not all AB people are like that, just the majority! ;D