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Post by BA on Apr 30, 2011 13:55:07 GMT -5
I am grappling with all of the above issues with relation to my own marriage, Merry and it has been a very hard journey. I was enormously physically attracted to my husband when we met over 12 yrs ago (and I still find him attractive), we were very emotionally and tempermentally compatible. Where things began to break down was in the area of intellectual and emotional growth. I am continually looking to grow and learn and have new experiences while he is content with the status quo. He dislikes change of any type and is very stable and grounded (at times rigid). This has been a huge challenge for me on all fronts and has tainted our physical closeness as well because this same mentality of "sameness" and staying "inside the box" permeates our bedroom relationship. It makes me very sad, b/c I love him deeply and know him like no other but his resistance (I think partly based on a very conservative Roman Catholic upbringing) and his extremely linear thinking is a hindrance for me. It is also why I have not disclosed my devness to him. He is well aware that I have a vested interest in the disabled population but strongly feel that it would NOT be within his realm to comprehend the sexual aspect of it at all. At times I just don't know what to do. He knows I hold secrets from him and he knows that he 'should' be more open but deep down in his heart this sort of thing makes him very uncomfortable which makes me just withdraw further into myself . Yes, we have done counseling and he has made some remarkable strides in terms of our communication. I ask myself, 'did I really deep down know he was like this when we met and were 'dating' for over 2 years'? The answer is truly no. We grew closer and closer and then once our daughter was born it just seems like the journey stopped. I often don't know what to do to kickstart us again or even if I can.
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 30, 2011 15:56:03 GMT -5
Oh BA, that is so challenging. I wish you luck with it, sadly I have no advice. My longest relationship was three years and it failed. I've never been married. I really don't know anything about it, but I am terrified of having something like that happen. The growing apart thing. I want to know before I marry someone that it's going to work and that's impossible! So scary.
Emma, I like your analogy of a fire and coals, that makes a lot of sense to me.
Lucretia, we do hear again and again about communication and I can say that almost all my relationships have ended over an inability to communicate effectively with each other. There's nothing more frustrating to me than to feel that I'm not being understood.
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Post by devogirl on Apr 30, 2011 20:35:40 GMT -5
BA I'm so sorry to hear that. I have no words of wisdom to offer, just sympathy.
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Post by Emma on Apr 30, 2011 21:19:03 GMT -5
BA I'm so happy to hear from you again. I too wish I had advice to give you. It sounds like you have really taken the time to get to the root of what is going on which is half the battle. I wish you the best of luck. L your post really struck me. These parts especially : 1) I think most relationships fail, period. I mean, with or without the spark, most relationships eventually end..... .....Relationships take work, a freaking LOT of work, to sustain them. The spark, that incredible fun and overwhelming joy of just being in their company is what can inspire you to work things out, and it can be a reminder or what was, and what could be again, but it's not the whole piece. I think the issue with most young relationships and why most of them fail is because "relationships take work, a freaking LOT of work" and people are not willing to put in the energy. Yeah sure, they are easier with some people and more challenging with others but I think its much more possible to sustain a relationship if you can and want to communicate. |
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on May 1, 2011 20:46:59 GMT -5
2 & 3) I don't think you can stop desensitization. I think the issue is what you do when it happens. Do you freak out and think, "Oh my God, I don't love them anymore?" Or do you say, "Wow, I've heard about this", and just keep going forward? Since we've talked about experiencing it in our dev-ness, and most of us have realized those feelings do come back over time, that same can apply to relationships. Sometimes it's doing new things, sometimes it's just waiting it out. Sometimes taking a break is good, too, even if it's just changing the routine. I'm not talking about separation, or spending more time apart, I just mean take the pressure off. Don't keep doing the same things over and over... I LOVE this. So many people my age think that when the honeymoon period is over, so is the relationship. It's so sad and frustrating watching my friends go through a string of 3-6 month relationships - I wonder when or if they will ever understand that a longer relationship requires work OUTSIDE the bedroom too. |
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