Lindsay :)
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Smile, It's a Good Day
Posts: 221
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Post by Lindsay :) on Apr 22, 2011 13:45:18 GMT -5
Sitting at my desk at work, I cannot get a conversation with my Mom out of my head. I normally talk to her every morning on my drive to work – if only for about 5 to 10 minutes each day. Today she asked what plans I had for the weekend and I mentioned that I had a “date” with a guy I was talking to. I give her some information about him and how I think he’s really sexy – not just physically but intellectually and personally as well. My mother is quiet for a few minutes and then asks (in a completely serious and straight tone – no humor in her voice at all) “What the hell is wrong with him that he’d have to settle for you?” Wow, thanks a lot Mom. I’m really feeling good about myself right about now. (NOT!)  To bury herself even further, when I reply that “nothing is wrong with him” she asks, “What, he’s not in a wheelchair is he?” This just pissed me off even more. Not just because of how she insinuated that being in a wheelchair is horrific and terrible but because of how she seemed to think something would have to be horribly wrong with him in order for him to be interested in me. That he couldn’t just *want* to date me but would have to *settle* for me instead. Not trying to fish for compliments, just really bummed out and thinking rather poorly of myself right now. Maybe putting all this to paper will let me stop dwelling on it and get some work done.  |
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 22, 2011 14:04:14 GMT -5
Sitting at my desk at work, I cannot get a conversation with my Mom out of my head. I normally talk to her every morning on my drive to work – if only for about 5 to 10 minutes each day. Today she asked what plans I had for the weekend and I mentioned that I had a “date” with a guy I was talking to. I give her some information about him and how I think he’s really sexy – not just physically but intellectually and personally as well. My mother is quiet for a few minutes and then asks (in a completely serious and straight tone – no humor in her voice at all) “What the hell is wrong with him that he’d have to settle for you?” Wow, thanks a lot Mom. I’m really feeling good about myself right about now. (NOT!) To bury herself even further, when I reply that “nothing is wrong with him” she asks, “What, he’s not in a wheelchair is he?” This just pissed me off even more. Not just because of how she insinuated that being in a wheelchair is horrific and terrible but because of how she seemed to think something would have to be horribly wrong with him in order for him to be interested in me. That he couldn’t just *want* to date me but would have to *settle* for me instead. Not trying to fish for compliments, just really bummed out and thinking rather poorly of myself right now. Maybe putting all this to paper will let me stop dwelling on it and get some work done. I'm sorry! That's terrible. As much as I know intellectually that I'm not responsible for my mom's thoughts and beliefs and that her problem with my devness is her issue, not mine, it's still really rough. I've felt torn by knowing I'm hurting her while I can't help but live my life authentically. Sounds like your situation is worse, as she really is explicitly saying that there's something wrong with you and with him! Stay strong and stay confident if you can. You are a good person and hopefully he is too and you can both make each other even greater by your combined energies. I believe in you. I believe that the very same things that make your mom see "wrongness" in you and in him are the exact same things that are right. Let's look at the good here. You have a date with someone you find attractive physically, intellectually, and emotionally. That is incredibly rare! What a blessing! You are going to have a great time and bring some sunshine and joy into your life  |
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Post by lavly on Apr 23, 2011 2:30:24 GMT -5
mannnnnn
dude your mum so does not know what she is missing .... you have to feel bad for the old duck. not be angry at her... pity is what is requitered here ( have no idea how to spell that)
a women that says " his not in a wheelchair is he? " oviasly has not had the pleasure of knowing what, being with a man in a chair would be like ...
so what she has to say about your date is of no relavens what so ever ... just nod when you talk to her and pity her for she knows no better. lol
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 23, 2011 8:44:03 GMT -5
Yes, Lava, you're right. Feel sorry that your mom is so consumed with prejudice and misunderstanding |
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Lindsay :)
Full Member
Smile, It's a Good Day
Posts: 221
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Post by Lindsay :) on Apr 23, 2011 9:22:16 GMT -5
Thanks for all the kind words. It really helped to lift my spirits!  As for the date... we stayed up talking until 430am. More than 6 and a half hours. I think it went really well. I really hope to see where it can lead! **fingers crossed** [He is on the other side of the country but if Wheelie and ZGal can make it work, so can we!] |
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Post by ruthmadison on Apr 23, 2011 10:22:24 GMT -5
Thanks for all the kind words. It really helped to lift my spirits! As for the date... we stayed up talking until 430am. More than 6 and a half hours. I think it went really well. I really hope to see where it can lead! **fingers crossed** [He is on the other side of the country but if Wheelie and ZGal can make it work, so can we!] Yes, thanks to Z and Wheelie for inspiring us all to try longer distances! |
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Post by Emma on Apr 23, 2011 12:29:46 GMT -5
Lindz that is so great your date went well. Tell us more about it and him! I honestly don't know what to say about your Mom other than what everyone else has said. My Mom too was pretty weird at first but now is cool with my husband (a wheeler). Really all it too was her getting to know him and realize that she had lots of wring assumptions. She still doesn't get it, but that will never happen since she is not a dev So.....don't worry about your Mom and just enjoy your excitement. If things work out you will have time to work on her prejudices. |
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Post by Neffie on Apr 24, 2011 17:53:51 GMT -5
When I was at home recently my mum (before I told her about the wheeler) was complaining that she coudn't get tickets to the Olympics in 2012.
My sister was with us and she knows about the wheeler.
My Mum was complaining and said "At this rate we'll only be able to get tickets to the bloody Paralympics!"
LMAO My sister looks at me and I'm just kinda laughing like omg if she only knew.
Anyway, they put in their bid for the "proper" Olympics but I will be bookinjg tickets for some MURDERBALL!!!!
I understand how belittled you can feel but most of the time they're just looking out for you x
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Post by ~Z28gal~ on Apr 25, 2011 9:09:53 GMT -5
[He is on the other side of the country but if Wheelie and ZGal can make it work, so can we!]  Best of luck! |
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Lindsay :)
Full Member
Smile, It's a Good Day
Posts: 221
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Post by Lindsay :) on May 6, 2011 19:54:28 GMT -5
I know several of the devs on the board have come out to their mother’s about being attracted to disabled men. How did you do it? Not what words did you use, or how you phrased it, but *literally* how did you find the courage to say it? I spoke to my mother again today… she knows that I’m "talking" to someone [note: who actually isn’t wheelchair bound, he's not fully AB (a neurological condition that will most likely worsen over time) but is currently capable of walking with assistance, my mother does NOT know this about him]. My mother keeps saying that all she wants is for me to be happy, but lately I haven’t been so sure. She either wants me to a) settle for anyone who can help me give her grand-kids ( “After all, Lindsay, you’re 25 and there is no excuse for you to be home alone on a Saturday night. You live in Orlando. Are you saying there are no single men in Orlando?") or she wants b) for me to be happy with what makes her happy (which is a fucking contradiction right there because we have complete OPPOSITE tastes in just about… EVERYTHING). She was asking about TT more today and I gave her honest answers. Then she says, “Well, he doesn’t sound that bad, Lindsay. At least he’s not a felon, a psychopath, or a paraplegic.” It made me want to throw up. How she can so fucking casually group a man who simply cannot walk with men who commit horrific crimes. When I tried to ask her about it, as to why him being a paraplegic would matter, she continued to go on about how paralyzed men cannot have sex (which we, here, know is false), wouldn’t be able to make me happy (again, wrong), cannot have real relationships (could not be farther from the truth), and would only end up making me miserable (yet, again, another lie). “Even as a last resort, dating a paraplegic is a bad idea.” I guess she didn’t exactly come out and *say* it but gave a real strong implication that she would rather see me single and alone then dating a guy in a wheelchair. She is the ONLY person (well, her and my father…) that does not know about my attraction to disabled me. My friends know and are completely open to it. Other members of my family know and while they don’t sugar coat the reality – and it will have difficulties, I’m aware of that, but every good relationship does – they are accepting of what type of guy I like. Why can’t my own mother be like that? I’m her only daughter. Wouldn’t she want to see me with a guy that makes me smile and happy and satisfies me? Those on here who have children... what would you do if your daughters liked a guy that you... I guess "disapproved of" would be the best choice of words (for lack of anything better). The more I think about it, the more I realize that I most likely won't be able to date who I want until I move further away from her. Right now it's only 2.5 hours and we visit about 1x a month. If I were living further away, and the visits less frequent, it may be easier to establish a relationship before having to break that news to her. I've always been close to my mother. I'm her only child. And I cannot share with her one of the biggest piece of who I am....  |
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Post by Dee Dee on May 6, 2011 20:20:21 GMT -5
Oh Lindz. Hugs! I think you have to realise that you cannot change your mother. You must NOT let your mother decide which kinds of relationships you are going to have! If I were you I would try to "break the ties" more - i.e. as I said to you elsewhere, ignore what she thinks and says! I know that is very, very hard to do - but I think you have to. |
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Post by Emma on May 6, 2011 20:36:47 GMT -5
I think you should work to educate her. The comment " At least he’s not a felon, a psychopath, or a paraplegic.” just sounds like ignorance. The reasons she cited about what would be wrong with dating a para are as you said, just wrong. So maybe educate her that she is wrong and that there's nothing wrong with dating a para. At first I had to be harsh with my Mom when I started dating my husband and in time after she met him and I talked about what he could do she realized that theres nothing wrong with me choosing him and (I think) sees him as a good husband.
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Post by ruthmadison on May 7, 2011 9:53:01 GMT -5
I know several of the devs on the board have come out to their mother’s about being attracted to disabled men. How did you do it? Not what words did you use, or how you phrased it, but *literally* how did you find the courage to say it? I spoke to my mother again today… she knows that I’m "talking" to someone [note: who actually isn’t wheelchair bound, he's not fully AB (a neurological condition that will most likely worsen over time) but is currently capable of walking with assistance, my mother does NOT know this about him]. My mother keeps saying that all she wants is for me to be happy, but lately I haven’t been so sure. She either wants me to a) settle for anyone who can help me give her grand-kids ( “After all, Lindsay, you’re 25 and there is no excuse for you to be home alone on a Saturday night. You live in Orlando. Are you saying there are no single men in Orlando?") or she wants b) for me to be happy with what makes her happy (which is a f*cking contradiction right there because we have complete OPPOSITE tastes in just about… EVERYTHING). She was asking about TT more today and I gave her honest answers. Then she says, “Well, he doesn’t sound that bad, Lindsay. At least he’s not a felon, a psychopath, or a paraplegic.” It made me want to throw up. How she can so f*cking casually group a man who simply cannot walk with men who commit horrific crimes. When I tried to ask her about it, as to why him being a paraplegic would matter, she continued to go on about how paralyzed men cannot have sex (which we, here, know is false), wouldn’t be able to make me happy (again, wrong), cannot have real relationships (could not be farther from the truth), and would only end up making me miserable (yet, again, another lie). “Even as a last resort, dating a paraplegic is a bad idea.” I guess she didn’t exactly come out and *say* it but gave a real strong implication that she would rather see me single and alone then dating a guy in a wheelchair. She is the ONLY person (well, her and my father…) that does not know about my attraction to disabled me. My friends know and are completely open to it. Other members of my family know and while they don’t sugar coat the reality – and it will have difficulties, I’m aware of that, but every good relationship does – they are accepting of what type of guy I like. Why can’t my own mother be like that? I’m her only daughter. Wouldn’t she want to see me with a guy that makes me smile and happy and satisfies me? Those on here who have children... what would you do if your daughters liked a guy that you... I guess "disapproved of" would be the best choice of words (for lack of anything better). The more I think about it, the more I realize that I most likely won't be able to date who I want until I move further away from her. Right now it's only 2.5 hours and we visit about 1x a month. If I were living further away, and the visits less frequent, it may be easier to establish a relationship before having to break that news to her. I've always been close to my mother. I'm her only child. And I cannot share with her one of the biggest piece of who I am.... This is going to be the subject of the sequel to (w)hole. I've got an outline done and I've started writing it. I think this is such an important subject! I want to explore all the ways that families react. I first told my mother through email in a generalized way along the lines of "I've realized that I'm attracted to men who are disabled." At the time I said that I wouldn't act on it. Six years later I introduced her to a disabled boyfriend. She was upset "I thought you weren't going to act on this" "Why should I sacrifice my happiness and what I really want?" "Why do you want this? You should be in therapy." I gave her the comparisons to homosexuality which helped her to understand it a bit. I pointed out that she wouldn't suggest that a gay person go to therapy and get fixed. I am currently in therapy. I don't know if she hopes it will "cure" me or not, but that's not why I'm there. Luckily for me, my mother does not have these ideas that a disabled man is not capable of a relationship, etc. She has good friends who are a couple where the man is disabled and the woman is not. For her it seems like the concern is more that 1) I might hurt the feelings of the disabled guy by treating him like an sex object and 2) that putting so much emphasis on the sexual side of things will make people think that I'm a slut and easy and hurt my reputation, also making it harder for me to find a guy who will take me seriously for a real relationship. Those are actually quite valid concerns! She thinks that sex should not be as important to me as it is, that's our fundamental miscommunication. I've started seeing someone that I like. I mentioned that I was seeing someone, she didn't ask about his body. It came out in a phone conversation recently when I mentioned that his mother runs a dance studio and I miss my ballroom dance lessons. "Well, if his mother owns a studio, he must know how to dance." "Um, maybe. I kind of doubt it." "Is he in a wheelchair?" "Yeah." "Don't they have wheelchair dancing?" "Actually yeah, they do." I think after about ten years of struggling with this issue, my mom and I are starting to see each other's point of view. |
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Post by Emma on May 7, 2011 12:08:18 GMT -5
Thats great Ruth!
My Mom is currently very impressed with my husbands athletic accomplishments and actively follows what he is doing. What's cool is she also seems to realize that its not just the pat on the back, thank you disabled person for participating type of stuff but something to really be impressed with.
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Post by dentelle on May 7, 2011 12:39:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry your mother is down on you about who you are dating or thinking of dating. He's not her boyfriend.
My parents never minded the guy I was dating. Rob is his name. He had CP. It affected his legs, but he could walk, sometimes he used a cane. What my family didn't like about him was his personality. He was such a Know-it-all sucky baby, the voice of authority on anything and everything. I could've kicked him in the arse a couple of times. My sister didn't want him in her house by the time I'd broken up with him. I broke up with the guy because, he thought he was a hotshot and actually had the gall to say that I wasn't good enough for him because I worked at a McDonalds and a Harveys and wasn't anything but a hamburger flipper. He said either the job goes or he would go. I went. ;D
I have a brother-in-law just like Rob personality wise, Know-it-all sucky baby and all. My sister and brother don't want my BIL in their house either. So it really had nothing to do with him being AB or other wise. My brother never met Rob.
I've talked about the two men over the years with my mom. She really said that she had no say about who we went out with or married and said that she wasn't the one marrying with them.
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As for the date... we stayed up talking until 430am. More than 6 and a half hours. I think it went really well. I really hope to see where it can lead! 
Best of luck!
