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Post by Cake on Aug 25, 2011 15:42:00 GMT -5
So it looks like this topic is definitely one some people would like to hear about or talk about, and as far as I remember, we haven't really discussed it in depth. Maybe it's some sort of taboo...?
I'm gonna start:
As many of you know, I'm ridiculously happy with my AB boyfriend. Yes, I am a dev, but maybe not such a "strong" one as some others.
I do fantasize a lot and love me my dev material, but my devness doesen't affect all aspects of my life, like some you have described it on several occasions. It's a part of me I cherish and often enjoy, but I don't feel the need to make it my... lifestyle, for lack of a better word.
I also don't feel like I'm denying myself my true destiny or something like that.
I'm not saying that sometimes it doesn't feel odd to be lying next to my b/f while he's sleeping and think dev thoughts. But I also don't think that this is something I should feel guilty about, like I'm betraying him or something like that.
It's so normal to have a sex life of your own, even when you're not a dev. I know for a fact that my b/f has his kind of "personal" turn on's and fantasies - but that doesn't devalue what he and I have together one bit. I guess I should mention here that we have wonderful sex life.
I've often been told by some of you that you used to think you had a wonderful sex life too, but then you found your wheelers and only then you knew what it meant to be truly turned on.
Who knows, maybe I would feel the same way if I met a wheeler now. But for now it feels like this to me: I can't miss what I have never tasted.
What I know is this: I am often really, really, really turned on sexually - not dev related.
Now being turned on by dev stuff is a completely different kind of turn on for me. And both of these kinds are good. None is better than the other, they are just different.
But hey, maybe I am denying myself my true sexual fullfillment. And now comes the tricky part. Even if that were the case, my b/f is still the guy I love and wanne be with. He makes me happy, we're a great team and adore eachother. Am I willing to give that up for more sexual fullfillment? No.
Because it's SO damn hard to find a good partner, and the odds to find another one like him who happens to be disabled are ......
Another thing, and then this horribly long post will come to and end:
He knows I'm a dev. I.e., he doesn't know the very details, but he knows I have a thing for wounded heros and for disabilites.
That definitely helps to make me feel a little less secretive.
It does make me sad sometimes that I can't share that part of me with him. But then again, I don't believe that there is anything like perfection out there when it comes to relationships. There will always be something you have to compromise on. There is always a price to pay, everywhere.
OK, so much from my perspective. I'm curious to hear about you guys' experiences and feelings.
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Pij02
Full Member
Posts: 130
Gender: Trans
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by Pij02 on Aug 25, 2011 16:31:06 GMT -5
Cake.
A while back, when I posted about where I think my dev-ness comes from, you said I hit the nail on the head when describing the origins of your dev-ness. Now I can reciprocate and say you have captured my thought exactly too. I literally could have penned that entire post myself. Its actually kind of spooky, in all honesty. I am beginning to think that you may actually be my dev doppelganger!
I would add nothing, change nothing, remove nothing from your post. I'll just say EXACTLY!
~Paige
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Post by faith on Aug 25, 2011 21:57:39 GMT -5
Cake... "None is better than the other, they are just different."
And there in lies the difference. If sex is just different, and both are good, then you are right. A good partner is hard to find. Stay happily with him.
I can only speak for myself, but in the past I looked at other aspects of an AB relationship and tried to focus on the good parts of that relationship while ignoring that the sexual part was NOT fulfilling because the dev factor was missing. For me that space can not be filled by anything else. Took years to figure out... but that was the key for me.
I am thrilled that you can fill your devness with fantasy. It is good to hear that satisfies. And... all the best in your relationship with your AB boyfriend!
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Post by ruthmadison on Aug 26, 2011 6:52:52 GMT -5
That is wonderful, Cake. I'm so glad that you've found someone who makes you feel fulfilled. If you believe your sex life is wonderful, then it is! I am more like Faith. I struggled to make AB relationships work with guys who were nice and we had a good friendship, but my extreme reluctance to have sex made things fall apart. I feel like devness is both a spectrum and also changes over time. As I've become more and more secure in my life and myself, the devness has blossomed. It is no longer attached to dark thoughts, for the most part. When I was younger I thought I would never act on the devness and would have to be satisfied by pictures and books alone. Eventually I snapped. I just couldn't do it anymore. Everything I had been denying came forward. So, that can happen as well. I don't know if my hatred of AB sex is related to devness or if it's caused by something else. What I do know is that I have only twice been turned on by an AB guy and both times it was extremely slight, barely noticeable. When I've gone out with wheeler guys I have experienced everything that you hear people talk about. I feel the desire, the excitement, the urge to get them alone  When it comes to the spectrum, I guess I am on the very far end as far from AB as you can get! I've had and still have love for a few AB men. Never lust, though. Friend love. And my family thinks that friend love is a great foundation for a relationship. I personally have not found that to work for me. At least not at this stage in my life. |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Aug 26, 2011 7:54:51 GMT -5
Cake knows that I have been happy for her since the first about her AB guy and, Cake, I hope I never made you feel like I thought he was inadequate in any way. I like him vicariously and am excited that you are so compatible, mentally and physically. I truly believe there ARE many degrees of devness and that some devs can be happy with a good AB guy. As for myself, it's pretty rare for me to have an instant, hard and fast attraction to ANY man. It has happened in situations with both AB and disabled men. I suck at all man relationships, to be honest, standing or sitting... doesn't matter. I've pretty much given up on finding a guy who reciprocates interest/desire. I have a talent for being attracted to the ones who will not be interested in me.  I'm tired of trying to figure out what it is... what I need to do to change it... just tired of it all. The thing that makes me feel so dev-ish is that those AB guys that I'm attracted to? When I fantasize about them, they're disabled. So, congrats to Cake and Peony and all the others who've found a great AB guy who fires all their cylinders.  ;D |
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Post by Peony on Aug 26, 2011 9:07:09 GMT -5
Oh man. I had this huge, erudite rant written out, but now I'm not so sure! I completely agree with all of your points, Cake, and hurrah for happy relationships, whoever they are with! But who knows? If I'd met a dreamy wheeler before my dreamy non-wheeler...? It's so boring, but timing and logistics play a huge role in getting a relationship off the ground as well. I chose to leave the country, my job and friends to live with him, but not everyone would be prepared to. Also, evidently, some people are more dedicated for searching for what they want which I totally applaud.  I definitely agree that the scale of it all has a time dimension, as well..I remember as quite a young girl thinking that I would like a particular boy so much more if he were in a wheelchair (I swear I was not a she-devil of a child!), and having thoughts along the same lines in my early 20s. As for not being sexually attracted to AB guys at all? That must be incredibly hard to deal with sometimes, both internally and externally. I would LOVE to understand what makes it so different for everyone (in a purely conceptual, non-voyeuristic sense, of course ) |
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Aug 26, 2011 9:48:04 GMT -5
I want the rant... I think a good rant is a great way to get to know you. I liked what you said about your guy in the other thread... built like a lumberjack with a cracked sense of humor. C'mon, grow the cojones... rant. lol |
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Post by Peony on Aug 26, 2011 22:54:36 GMT -5
YES!!! Bring on the rant!! You two shouldn't encourage crazy ladies, you know ;D The rant is still churning away (they usually find their way out eventually!), but that is interesting what you mentioned about being a bad fantasiser (as was the rest of your post, how rude of me to be so blase about your relationship history!)...it makes me wonder if devs who are happily with an AB partner are able to fantasise/mentally substitute (or whatever) more so than usual. Of course I can only speak for myself, and how other people accommodate their devness is none of my business, but I know I have a rampant imagination, and quite happily default back to it at various intervals. That said though, I am in no way insinuating that you 'primary colour devs' (can we use a spectrum, as well as a scale? ;D ) are drones with no imaginations, or that I lie back on the pillow with a glazed look on my face! |
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Post by Emma on Aug 26, 2011 23:24:13 GMT -5
You may be on to something Peony. I am a terrible at fantasizing and would say I could be described as a primary color dev, I have clear ideas about what I like and what I don't. I have in the past tried to imagine AB guys as disabled but never got very far with it. Maybe I'm one of those devs who needs the real thing to get the dev benefit.
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Post by Peony on Aug 27, 2011 7:47:05 GMT -5
I feel like devness is both a spectrum and also changes over time. Sorry Ruth, didn't meant to steal your use of spectrum! |
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Post by Peony on Aug 27, 2011 8:01:29 GMT -5
You may be on to something Peony. I am a terrible at fantasizing and would say I could be described as a primary color dev, I have clear ideas about what I like and what I don't. I have in the past tried to imagine AB guys as disabled but never got very far with it. Maybe I'm one of those devs who needs the real thing to get the dev benefit. Interesting indeed, Emma...I consider myself very fluid in a lot of my preferences (not just my carnal ones!)...they will often jump around, and often their 'order' changes (although funnily enough my work/exercise/lifestyle habits are fairly rigid). I really like your 'straight upness' about your dev side, though. If I were a wheeler I could imagine feeling a little distrustful of my partner if I knew their tastes vacillated (although I think all couples go through phases of feeling more or less 'in to' each other, regardless of whatever), but I may be completely wrong and off the mark there. |
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Post by Peony on Aug 27, 2011 8:28:28 GMT -5
I am loving this thread, and it proves my long-held insistence that devs are as varied as the rest of the population!! I have a fantastically vivid imagination, and my fantasy life is wild and varied... except when it comes to making AB guys disabled... Now... when I was younger, as a child and young teen, I often created stories in my head that involved my crush of the day, and he was invariably disabled... but once I started actually dating, having sex with, and eventually marrying, men, I just couldn't do it with as much success... I like the idea of a primary color dev... but I have found this last year as I've moved away from theory into practice that my "likes" are nowhere near as set as I thought. I guess I just like men, because I really am attracted to quite a variety of guys... lol Fluid is a fabulous word! My preferences are fluid, but stop just short of the AB line... *shrug* The plot thickens! I was actually thinking about imagination this afternoon, and what a truly abstract concept it is. (And also that I may be posting too much. Sorry ;D) I guess it is a big ask to expect there to be a simple fit between imagination styles and a particular...sexual sub-set, shall we say? Sigh. I love looking for correlations |
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Post by Peony on Aug 27, 2011 18:52:45 GMT -5
Hmmmm. Well, I do love smelly and dirty, so that should work out ok!
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Post by devogirl on Aug 28, 2011 22:20:44 GMT -5
I feel like I should post here, since I chose to marry an AB guy after years of dating guys with various disabilities. I have talked about this a lot, so I feel like I am repeating myself, but for the benefit of new members, here goes.
I'm pretty certain I could not have been satisfied in a relationship with an AB guy if I did not have all those other experiences first. The dev thing used to be all-consuming for me. There were times when I thought about it all the time, and wanting it was like a physical ache. I also went through a long slow process of changing from sexually repressed to very open and actually living out some of my fantasies.
In many ways, it was very fulfilling and necessary. I went through phases where I swore I would only date disabled guys, and never date an AB again. But despite meeting many different people, I never met someone I really connected with. My relationships with disabled guys were sexually fulfilling but emotionally unsatisfying because we were too incompatible in terms of our personalities. Not blaming them, I was too willing to force myself to try a relationship even when we had nothing in common.
So after years of terrible relationships, when I finally met someone with whom I was really compatible, it was such a revelation. I should add also that after years of online dating (both disabled and AB) he was the first one in a long long time I met IRL. We were just friends for quite a while at first. I certainly didn't think of him as a potential boyfriend at first, and even after we started dating, I never had that feeling at first like "OMG!! He's the ONE!" But the more we got to know each other, the more I loved him and that's still the case.
I'd had many experiences in the past where AB guys hit on me or we even went on a few dates and I felt nothing for them. But I have had some AB boyfriends over the years to whom I was very attracted, so it's not like he was the first and only one.
But I also feel like something in me shifted as I hit my late 30s. I'm definitely still a dev, but that aching feeling like I HAD to have a relationship with a disabled guy or I would be miserable forever, that feeling went away. Actually it started to fade shortly before I met the future Mr. DG. If I had met the right disabled guy, I would have settled down with him. But I didn't, the right guy happened to be AB, and that's fine with me.
BTW I think it's really important to tell him and not keep secrets. He has a right to know, and for me it was incredibly liberating to tell him.
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Post by ruthmadison on Sept 5, 2011 16:45:06 GMT -5
That's beautiful, DevoGirl! I missed this post somehow in the flurry of activity. What you say always feels so familiar to me, as though I could have written it myself. I hope that I will be able to keep my self open to love in whatever form it arrives in.
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I'm tired of trying to figure out what it is... what I need to do to change it... just tired of it all. 
;D 
