How to tell?

[Pisti]

There's something I wanted to ask already some time ago. The question is adressed to those dev ladies (also gentlemen of course) who had already serious relationships with someone disabled. So serious that they had to present him to their friends and family or anyone that counts.

How did you do it?

What did they say? How did they react?

The reason of the question is that I was really affraid to tell them, but my preocupations seamed to be innecessary.

With my family we live far away. Of course I told and wrote them about him, about how kind, intelligent, cute, etc. he is, and then one day I sent them a photo and "by the way" mentioned that he s a quad.

Of course I received lots of questions, including those I didn't want to answer - so I just said them that "we manage", because it is none of their business. I mean I did never ask my parents if they can piss on their own, did I?

My father, who has also a very kind personality, just said that he must be someone special if I love him (he is right).

My mother was a bit worried, but then she had to defend him against my grandmother, who is the only one in the family who doesn't like "criples". Once, in her teens, my mom went home with a guy with a limp - he was kicked out right away. Maybe that is what she remembered.

And then my grandmother met my husband, and she was charmed by him, and does not stop talking about how wonderful a person he is.

So now everyone in the family is happy - first of all me.

Ah, yes - my friends: they are really cool around him. There's only one, who is always telling me how lucky my husband is to have found me. My answer to this is: "No, it is me who is the lucky one in this constellation." He will never understand.

[BA]

I had a very long term and very serious relationship with a wheeler (high para) many years ago and my Mother was the one who had a very difficult time accepting this. My Dad was quite ok with it and treated him well. I presented it in a pretty matter of fact manner by saying that he had gotten an illness when he was 19 that left him paralyzed, that it wasn't contagious and that it wasn't going to get better and I also discussed his job, his stability and his aspirations for the future. My Mom was rather beside herself and started crying. She didn't even want to meet him and if I am not mistaken I think we fought to the point where I packed up and left the house for a few days. I cannot imaging how it would have been if he were more disabled or less independent. I suppose I would have had to sever ties with my family for the time being??

[devogirl]

Judit thank you so much for sharing this story. I think this is something we all worry about. I have had bad experiences with my family. The first time, when I was a college student, I was too scared to come out and tell them, so I just showed them pictures, until my brother said, "Wait, is he blind?" yes.... ugh, that was a bad idea. Learn from my mistake, be brave and just tell them. But anyway it's so great to hear that your whole family came around and accepted him.

[Emma]

Judit I am married to a DAK amputee so I have told anyone who is important in my life about him. Initially when I was telling friends about my new boyfriend I had a hard time talking about his disability and I just didn't mention it. Its funny there were some people who asked things like how tall he was which forced me to explain what height he used to be and why he wasn't that height anymore. Overhearing those conversations was how most of my friends found about his disability. Luckily I had only had a very brief relationship with another guy with a disability so I didn't really get many people wondering about my ability to find boyfriends with disabilities. As far as my family I told my mother first. She had just gone off on a rant about how I should be single for a while (after recently telling her about ending a relationship). So for her I knew it was going to be an issue not just because he had a disability but her idea I should be single. I told her in an e-mail since I was not ready to deal with her not being okay with it. Ironically she has MS and my line about him being more independent than she is sort of shut her up about any concerns she may have voiced. Once she met him she had no issue with him having physical challenges because she saw that it was a non-issue. I told both my Dad and brother over the phone and neither of them had an issue with it. In fact I don't think my Dad said anything negative or positive and my brother just asked a few clarifying questions. Now everyone in my life is cool with him, we don't have any issues with anyone thinking hes a bad husband or a poor provider. I think once they all saw the situation and realized that we had a good relationship they were happy.

The thing that really bugged me and actually still bothers me is that when I told people about him missing his legs I got very few questions. Most asked if he used prosthetics but other than that nothing other than my brother asking one (slightly embarrassing coming from him) question about sex.

[dentelle]

My first real serious boyfriend had CP. It was mild and I didn't consider it an issue. My family accepted him. I never explained, I just introduced him to the family. I never thought about his disability. He just walked with a cane sometimes. What caused the most problems with him was his know-it-all-attitude and my sister never wanted to see him in her house again because of it.

So my family is pretty good about my personal life and the guys I bring home.

[ruthmadison]

"There's only one, who is always telling me how lucky my husband is to have found me. My answer to this is: "No, it is me who is the lucky one in this constellation." He will never understand." <---- That is so beautiful!

I've had relationships with guys, but my parents have only met one. My situation is a bit different because I told my parents years ago that I was a dev. They aren't thrilled about it, but they're trying to understand.

[brookea]

I'm gathering my thoughts on this thread... Lots of recent/raw experiences I've confronted.

[Emma]

We are here for you Brooke if you need. I'm sorry your going through that especially since I know a bit about what a normal, successful, cool guy PJ is.

[Pisti]

Thank you everyone for your input.
As of telling someone about my devness - there is no one to whom I have this kind of relationship. My parents are just not ready to talk about sexuality in any context, and the last girly talk I had happened in college about 20 years ago. I've always had more male friends, and with them I rather talk about sports or beers.
My man knows it (we met on this site), enjoys it and loves every moment of it, but he is even shyer (I hope it is written this way) about it than myself.

[Gaby]

I'm having a very hard time trying to figure out how to tell my mom that Matt has CP. She has talked to him on skype but she didn't notice anything. I was waiting to tell her because I wanted her to notice how funny, kind, handsome and cute he is, but I think it's time to tell her...

My sister knows everything and she actually loves Matt. My closest friends know it too and they are very happy for me.

[ruthmadison]

Oct 28, 2011 20:59:40 GMT -5 @brookea said:

I'm gathering my thoughts on this thread... Lots of recent/raw experiences I've confronted.

Hugs

[ruthmadison]

Oct 29, 2011 8:23:21 GMT -5 Gaby said:

I'm having a very hard time trying to figure out how to tell my mom that Matt has CP. She has talked to him on skype but she didn't notice anything. I was waiting to tell her because I wanted her to notice how funny, kind, handsome and cute he is, but I think it's time to tell her...

My sister knows everything and she actually loves Matt. My closest friends know it too and they are very happy for me.

I don't know if this would work or not, but my suggestion would be to mention it off hand in a way that makes it seem like it's no big deal at all, an after thought. Just an "oh, by the way" but keep it so breezy and relaxed that it makes her feel like she's the weird one for being surprised by it.

[Inigo Montoya]

Brooke, I'm sorry that you're having those kinds of experiences. Add me to the people you can hit up if you need to. Sometimes it can help so much to just get it out to someone.

Gaby, I hope all goes well with telling your mom.

I'm like Lucretia in that I've not had a serious relationship with a wheeler. But my closest friends and family know enough about it that it's one of the early questions when I start talking about a guy... "Is he disabled/handicapped/etc.?"

Ruth, I think going forty bazillion years without a relationship made my mother simply relieved when I express interest in a good guy. Also, my sis and cousin have made some spectacular (personality-wise) bad man choices that, as long a I choose someone who's good to me, I think it won't much matter how he gets around.

[BA]

Brooke, I also offer myself as someone you can reach out to, having experienced some extreme 'rawness' with regard to my own family when I was in a very serious relationship.

[Pisti]

Oct 28, 2011 20:59:40 GMT -5 @brookea said:

I'm gathering my thoughts on this thread... Lots of recent/raw experiences I've confronted.

Hey Brooke,
I'm sorry you have those kind of problems.
I'm not really a good adviser in relationship matters. My husband is my second serious relationship... What I was ready to explain to my folks is that he is the right person for me. Not just because of my desires - of which I couldn't tell them, but also because he has a very strong and gentle personality (totally like a young Santa Claus... ), which does good to me. He gives routine to my life, he watches over me I don't do anything stupid, he keeps me from falling into depression, and he gives me love and happyness like noone else ever did.
I was totally ready to tell them to forget about me if they cannot accept my choice. They know me - they would have known I wasn't joking.
But then they were just really cool about him. I think his really charming personality did help a lot.