Not done not titled, but I could use some feedback

[hephaestus]

So this is a piece I started last week. It's very much in the vein of realism. Kinda terse. A little... abstract?

I really dig those old noir novels, like Maltese Falcon and The Big Sleep. I like the notion of writing disability-themed stories in that clipped, to-the-point style. It has an interesting "hardboiled" aesthetic while also allowing for gentler, more romantic moments to occur.

Anyway, 'nough of my yapping.

All of the characters have SCIs. Nothing erotic (that's for a different story) but there is some romance. I just need to know if I should continue it. Thanks.

Here's a link to the Google Docs copy.

PS ~ My friend thinks I should end it the way it is, but I feel like the reader is left wanting to know more about the narrator, like how he got injured, etc. What do you guys think?

[janewheeler]

I like the general effect, but it's still pretty vague for me. Your writing style is interesting (in a good way!). I just wish I had more of a starting and ending point, and an anchor telling us more about the narrator.

Good start, though!

[ej]

I really like it so far too! Your writing style has that edgy tone to it; love it and so fun to read. I'd love to read more!

[BA]

I love this writing style. I'd like to see all these characters really develop. So far it is reminding me of a Lou Reed song!

[hephaestus]

Cool, OK, thanks so much for reading, guys!

jane, yeah, it's so hard to tell when being vague is good or not. Sometimes it works, some it doesn't.

This is totally just a skeleton. Once I pack some meat onto it it should read with more richness.

ej, thanks for the read. Yeah, I've just been dunking myself in hardboiled detective novels as well as modern feminist pastiche renditions of the same formula.

I like the idea of "hardboiled writing" existing outside the confines of crime stories.

@ba, whoa, thank; Lou Reed - that's such a big compliment! In fact, it's funny you should say that. I remember listening to The Gift while writing this. Such a genius, insane "song."

[Deleted]

It is a good short story, but as a reader, I am curious about the main character's story. I am used to a more feminine writing style, whereas your style is more masculine. Sometimes stories written from a male perspective lack the descriptive element that reels me in, but yours does not. The way you described things reminded me (for some reason) of Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”.

[hephaestus]

Aug 31, 2012 21:51:24 GMT -5 @dreamingofparis said:

It is a good short story, but as a reader, I am curious about the main character's story. I am used to a more feminine writing style, whereas your style is more masculine. Sometimes stories written from a male perspective lack the descriptive element that reels me in, but yours does not. The way you described things reminded me (for some reason) of Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”.

Oh my gosh, yes, that story is such an influence on me. Hemingway is in general.

The thing is, I'm trying to get away from having a masculine writing style while still retaining the Hemingway sensibility. The likes of Amy Hempel can write the most elegant-but-terse prose without seeming guyish at all.

Here's an Amy Hempel short story that I find even more influential than "Hills Like White Elephants.' I probably read the damned thing once a month.

Tomorrow I will be adding to it the backstory of the main character. I'll make a post on this thread to let you know when it's done, if you guys are interested. Thanks for reading.

[Deleted]

Huh, kinda crazy I thought of that comparison. I will be checking back tomorrow!

[RyooT]

I also really like your writing style and I am looking forward to the next version. I am a big fan of existentialism and noir and I am always intrigued with the imagery that authors come up with therefore I love your popcorn exploration.
I like the fractured structure and while it may leave out information that may be interesting to know it is always a source of thought and inquiry and I think that is really great when as a writer you get people to think about what you put on the page, not just consume and forget. You definitely got me thinking...

A book you may like that your style reminds me of is House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski