Loving vs. caregiving?

[janewheeler]

Oh hey it's another question FOR RESEARCH. Dirty, dirty research.

As always, if you'd be willing to respond but would prefer a confidential PM, that's cool.

This question is for people who have been in relationships with one AB partner and one disabled partner. If I had to be specific, I'd say the disability should be acquired and not congenital, but I'm equal opportunity, yo.

What times have made you feel the most tension between being someone's lover and providing/receiving care or assistance because of a disability? Either real (something needs to be moved or cleaned or dealt with) or perceived (you worry what might happen if something needs to be moved or cleaned or dealt with, regardless of whether it comes to pass that way or not).

Especially if the main worry is just plain old being seen in a less-than-robust state.

I'm looking ahead to some future sections of SttS, and Jeff (T12 incomplete, stubborn as hell) is perfectly fine with taking care of Jules when SHE needs it. But when HE needs anything? Not a chance. Not when he's ill, or could use a hand with groceries, or is sad about something completely unrelated to being disabled. (He can be SUCH a boy...)

I would like to explore some of the tension between wanting help and needing help, or times when you're willing/able to ask for help and times when you really, really, REALLY don't want to.

Also, I suppose I'm curious about things you've kept under wraps until the very last moment you could. Are there some things or moments you just do not want to share with an AB partner? No real details needed here, just "I didn't want her to see me do X..." or "I didn't want her to know that I did Y..."

Thank you! Discretion guaranteed.

[newmn]

I don't know if you're looking for feedback from the disabled partner exclusively or if experiences from the AB partner would be helpful too. Also, as a gay man my experiences may be different (as they say on the TV commercials, results may vary) lol

I have one close friend who was born without limbs who despite his limitations is amazingly independent in many ways. He has a full-time caregiver and doesn't want his personal needs to get in the way of our dating and relationship...even though I've told him many times I don't mind at all.

I have another friend who became a para as an adult and is fully independent and lives on his own. However when I'm with him, he appreciates having someone around to help with things and has no qualms about asking help with personal needs (which means I've learned a lot about the whole catheter process etc)

BTW, both these friends know I have a preference for disabled guys but it's not a focus of our friendship, and they're cool with it.

So bottom line from my experiences and perspective, it's a personal thing and may be different for every individual. Good luck with your research janewheeler. I'm looking forward to hearing what our wheelchair members say about this because as the able-bodied partner, I'm never sure how to handle this.

[janewheeler]

I know it's different for everybody, which is why I like to hear different stories. I feel like it helps me understand things a little better, even if it doesn't feel too rational (hello, people do stupid shit when they're in love).

Any experiences -- disabled or AB -- very much appreciated.

[Ximena]

I know personally my husband is a very, very stubborn, very machismo type of guy. And as such, he doesn't always communicate when something is bothering him or whatever. So it can end up leading to bigger problems down the road where I didn't "know" what he was thinking/feeling/going through because he kept it all bottled up until it exploded.

So a lot of our fights, honestly?, have to do with his being upset that I didn't pick up on something or I didn't act the right way when I had no idea what was going on in his head.

Jeff definitely reminds me of the type of guy who would do that.

[BA]

I've been thinking about this one from time to time since you posted it, Jane. My experience has been with less 'macho' wheelers than your character and I have to admit, sometimes I felt taken advantage of (like they definitely COULD do something but CHOSE not to, because I was there and there were times that I REALLY, REALLY didn't want to do something but did it anyway because I didn't want to get into an argument and didn't want to feel guilty). I was too inexperienced in both relationships and life to understand what it meant to have healthy boundaries and so I got into the habit of just 'doing' and then resenting that I was doing. By the way, the same kind of stuff applied to some relationships I had with AB guys. Maybe it's me but they all seemed to go into 'lazy' mode around me. Well, in my old age I learned that some men do have to be trained. Anyway, holding back my resentment did lead to some blow-ups.

Well, that was decidedly unhelpful I am sure. Your character Jeff needs to be himself and if he's one of those macho guys he's going to get tense and angry when he is in a position where he needs something. Ultra-macho-ness can be cultural but it can also stem from insecurity about many things that pre-date an injury by far. What kinds of things does Jeff want or need to hide and why? Does he not trust? What was his personality like before he got hurt? If I were writing I guess these would be some of the things I would ask myself. Maybe to delve deeper into the reasons why we behave as we do. What we protect and why we protect it.

[Ximena]

Haha. Yes, this is some things I've talked to Jane about, and Jeff def has serious issues that predate his injury.