Ask a Dev ..... Anything

[Deleted]

don't see my question posted

[Max]

Jun 6, 2013 10:29:03 GMT -5 @curran said:

don't see my question posted

It's there: paradevo.proboards.com/post/97010/thread
And so is your 2nd post.

[Ath]

Curran why not start right here: paradevo.proboards.com/thread/4688/dating

[devogirl]

Jun 6, 2013 10:28:06 GMT -5 @curran said:

don't see my question posted

Curran, and anyone else not seeing new posts:

Since the update, the board has been a little buggy. Sometimes you have to refresh the page to see the latest posts. For instance, you might make a post then go to the homepage, and not see your post under "latest" or "most recent." This is caused by your browser cache not updating properly. Please try hitting refresh a few times before posting the message again.

[Ath]

Dev's - did you consider yourself/ did you know you where devotees when you dated your first disabled guy?
I mean there is a difference between just finding a certain disabled guy attractive and realising you prefer disabled men over others.

[Kid A]

Jun 7, 2013 10:19:25 GMT -5 Ath said:

Dev's - did you consider yourself/ did you know you where devotees when you dated your first disabled guy?
I mean there is a difference between just finding a certain disabled guy attractive and realising you prefer disabled men over others.

The first "disabled" guys I dated were deaf, though they probably would never self-identify as disabled. I had NO clue I was a dev back then, but I knew my initial attraction to them was coming from somewhere that had never been tapped IRL. I dated quite a few deaf guys back then, but none of them really worked out, for reasons I don't feel are tied to my lack of knowledge about my attraction. My current relationship developed out of my discovery of PD and accepting my sexuality. However, there's a bit of a chicken/egg thing going on. I'm not sure how quickly I would have accepted my devness if I hadn't (almost immediately) found Swagger and fallen in love. I can tell you that having discovered and accepted this aspect of my sexuality has really helped this relationship blossom to an extent no previous relationship has ever reached. Even if I didn't know I was a dev, I knew I was hiding something very significant and not being willing or able to admit it to my previous SOs created a lot of tension for which, to them, there was no logical explanation. It singularly was never the ruin of any one relationship, but having such a heavy burden of a secret definitely took its toll. Being fully transparent has made a world of difference.

[Emma]

Jun 7, 2013 10:19:25 GMT -5 Ath said:

Dev's - did you consider yourself/ did you know you where devotees when you dated your first disabled guy?
I mean there is a difference between just finding a certain disabled guy attractive and realising you prefer disabled men over others.

I'll throw in my experience since its different that the first 2 responses.

I did consider myself a devotee when I met the first disabled guy I dated. First I realized I was a dev at age 21 then joined some female dev yahoo groups and started talking about the attraction. About 2-3 years later I began to end the long term relationship I was in with an AB guy. Then I finally met a disabled guy I was sort of into but he was so wrong for me in so many ways (wrong disability, very coddled and not making strides to be as independent as he could be, etc). I did tell him about being a dev right away when we were chatting and he was cool with it. The relationship didn't last long but I'm glad I had that experience.

[BA]

Jun 7, 2013 10:19:25 GMT -5 Ath said:

Dev's - did you consider yourself/ did you know you where devotees when you dated your first disabled guy?
I mean there is a difference between just finding a certain disabled guy attractive and realising you prefer disabled men over others.

I did not know of devs or that I was one. Only that the random wheeler that I just saw at a public and (even worse) WORK RELATED meeting, near made me loose my vagina on the floor. I think it dawned on me at that moment that all those little 'tweaky' things I felt watching medical dramas and other similar flora and fauna of 1970's and 80's TV (think... "Leave Yesterday Behind"), had suddenly fallen smack into my lap.

1986 - I was 6 months post a badly broken engagement, having spent much of that 6 monthS in 'angry woman' zone, which meant I went out drinking frequently, picked up annoyingly vapid guys, slept with them with very little enthusiasm and then left in the middle of the night without sharing my phone number. It was a bitter time, really. It was the 80's. I liked to hang out in NY, dance and play Asteroids.

Do you know what I did when this gorgeous honey haired guy with globe sized blue eyes rolled up to me in one of the first Quckie chairs likely ever made? I choked on my own saliva. Do you know what my greatest fear was?

That he would ask me out.
That he wouldn't ask me out.
That if he did ask me out that I would not know how to handle the intensity of my own sexuality.

He did ask me out.

I actually totally avoided physical contact for the first 3 dates, citing being "still messed up" from the broken engagement. I actually DID the "let's be friends" thing!! So afraid was I of what lay beneath my own self. I am sure he thought it was him/the chair because he brought it up. Did I know anything about paralysis then? Not really. He explained. I got an education. I declined to tell him the truth about my enormous attraction, because I am not sure that I KNEW the truth. (Oh THIS is what caused the TINGLY STUFF - OH! THIS IS THE ACTUAL TINGLY STUFF!!)... Then: oooh, this is baaad...this is a real person....I should not tingle about this

Date 4 was a party at his friend's house. We drank. We drank some more. My avoidance of my own tingling was quelled by a fair amount of tequila. We stumbled out into the driveway at 2 am. My date had been reasonably (probably more than) patient, when he was sober. Now, he was neither. He roundly grabbed a fist full of my ass, pulled me by the jeans pocket and hauled a sloppy me straight down onto his ready lap. And here came the best 5 words I had ever heard.

YOU KNOW YOU WANT THIS.

Well that was sexy confident... and the sweet bliss of taking the guilt off me and forcing me onto your lap in the middle of a suburban driveway. My lips (all of them) hit his. We groped and grabbed and sucked and smoldered and took our party into private for the next 4 days. I called out of work and so did he and we had sex with occasional food.

...and so on for the following 5 years or so.

I knew this was NO mere attraction.
Not by a long shot.






[/quote]

[Kid A]

Jun 7, 2013 23:49:39 GMT -5 nicko said:

are there any gay couples out there in ltr's? the only couples I have seen on here are hetero, and I wondered if you are just hiding or if you are too busy to come up for air from your hot sex life to share.

I definitely know of at least one.

[Deleted]

May 19, 2013 20:53:11 GMT -5 @intheory said:

I'd love to add to the current conversation later but I had a question first since we're on the topic of intimacy and all that good stuff. The first wheeler I was with was a quad. His sensation was so confusing to me that I couldn't even tell you what he felt and didn't feel. We were cuddling one day and I was caressing his arm and it turns out I was hurting him! The way I was softly touching him was actually painful because of the way his sensation was. It really messed with my head. It just made me really upset that I couldn't touch him the way I wanted to and that it caused him pain. Has anyone ever had a similar experience?

I am reading through some old posts.  Could not find the response to Intheory's question, so I am circling her question back to everyone, and hopefully we can get some insights on this?

[Ath]

Do we really want the in-your-face real-ness that comes with having a relationship with a grown-up?
Yes! and for me a relationship with a disabled guy is more real than one with an ab. I don't want the 9-5 life, I want to have to think differently, to be alive...

You need to create an interest. but not go too far.
While flirting with dude I sent him a proper photo but yes I adapted my interest to his somewhat. I told him about my hobbies and every daily life, but also that I was interested in sports, (I'm/was a freelance sport journalist) if he interprets that as I know eveyrthing about sports from speedway to hockey, thats is problem he still taunts me about it and refuses to believe I've seen his hockey team play more often than he has. Its true, but he can have his fun.

I did not know what he looked like though, until I rang the doorbell and he openend the door to his place (yeah really).

[Deleted]

Are there devs who are disabled themselves?

[Kiran]

My first contact with a dev was a bit traumatic for me because he asked me if I would be thrilled if he threw me from my wheelchair to the floor. This kind of attitude is common among devs or he belongs to the "predator" category only?

[devogirl]

Aug 14, 2013 0:54:14 GMT -5 James said:

Are there devs who are disabled themselves?

Yes, but very few. There used to be a guy here with SB who was also a dev for deaf women. I think there have been one or two others over the years here.

A lot of guys on here say they do not want a disabled partner, others say they don't mind or find certain individuals attractive. But it seems very rare that a disabled guy is a true dev, ie, has a strong, long-standing attraction for a specific disability and fantasizes about someone with that disability.

It is a rare desire to have, the odds that someone has that desire and also a disability are even rarer.

[devogirl]

Aug 14, 2013 4:22:43 GMT -5 Kiran said:

My first contact with a dev was a bit traumatic for me because he asked me if I would be thrilled if he threw me from my wheelchair to the floor. This kind of attitude is common among devs or he belongs to the "predator" category?

That's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that was your first contact. Unfortunately some devs are assholes. It is possible for someone to be both a dev and a predator, sadly. It's far more common for male devs to act this way, but some women devs do it too.

The asshole devs are also unfortunately more visible, because they are far more likely to walk up to a stranger and say something offensive, or harass people online. The nice, well-behaved dev is often more shy, especially in public, and far more likely to hide or flee than say anything at all. 

Devs have a bad reputation in some disability communities and message boards in large part because some assholes have ruined it for the rest of us. All we can do is set a good example and let the world know there are devs who are not like that. I don't think an abusive attitude is common among all devs, and we don't allow that kind of thing here.