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Post by geekychair on Mar 16, 2013 0:28:21 GMT -5
Dealt with caretakers of wheelers? Any stories advice dealing with privacy and intimacy when we have caretakers?
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Post by Kid A on Mar 16, 2013 0:41:40 GMT -5
Dealt with caretakers of wheelers? Any stories advice dealing with privacy and intimacy when we have caretakers? I'm afraid I'm in that rare caretaker/SO role, so I was able to sidestep that problem, though this role is wrought with other challenging issues, needless to say. However, I feel the trade off is well worth it.
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Post by alluringpariah on Mar 16, 2013 6:26:57 GMT -5
Of course, further discussion is welcomed. I agree, certain things should be private, and this rings true for everyone. No matter who you are, or what you like. I've come across devs though, who maintain secrecy or choose able bods, because they're afraid of the reactions or perceptions of others (family, friends, workmates). So dating one wheeler is fine, but the next need be for life, because having multiple wheeler partners arouses curious minds. I've never really understood this. I can see why, if you married the first wheeler you dated, there becomes no need to say anything. but to keep secret, or deny yourself something that is part of you because of possible misunderstandings from people who are meant to support you, i don't get it. I know of spinal unit nurses or girls who are involved in wheelchair sports/organisations, that have been with more than one wheeler, and no one thinks anything other than that it makes sense, if you're spending a lot of time around them. From a personal POV, if I know a girl; has dated a wheeler, has a family member in a chair, or worked as a carer, then I'm definitely more hopeful that they'll see me in a romantic light. This tends to be what i've seen in the wheelers I know also, or they're just willing to hit on anything with a pulse. I don't know how to relate to not having wheelers close by. I'm around other wheelers on a day to day basis. Even if I go to the shops i'll usually see some unknown person in a chair. I can understand why internet dating would be hard, i'm not a fan personally and I would be reluctant to 'long distance date' to be honest. I'm bewildered as to why judgement comes from the disability community. Apparently 95% of relationships will not survive after one suffers a SCI, so most wheelers I know are pretty lonely. Allies at the very least. If there just a way to bridge the two communities, then devs would have quite the pool to pick from. oh and, Enid, what's going on?
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Post by alluringpariah on Mar 16, 2013 6:34:28 GMT -5
Kid A, aren't you worried that you will become to resent your partner, because of the work involved with looking after him? I've always refrained from this, due to fear of becoming a burden and wanting to hide certain aspescts, so as not to put her off.
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Post by Kid A on Mar 16, 2013 12:58:51 GMT -5
Kid A, aren't you worried that you will become to resent your partner, because of the work involved with looking after him? I've always refrained from this, due to fear of becoming a burden and wanting to hide certain aspescts, so as not to put her off. I've explained most of this before, but it may have been in the 'Devs Only' section, so let me bring everyone up to speed. When Swagger and I decided to take the step from LD/virtual to IRL, I had just been laid off and had to move away from the Bay Area, since no other legal jobs were on the horizon (I was studying for the bar exam at the time and temping in an office setting). One of his PCA's had just been fired and he needed someone else. So, I decided to move in, start studying for the bar out here and work as his PCA until I could land another legal job. With that understanding, that this was a temporary jumping off point, I was more than willing to work as his PCA. Yes, there are challenges and yes, the trade off is worth it, but this is definitely not my calling and we both know that. I will say that I'm glad to have these skills moving forward when we hire someone else. I can fill in as needed and intimacy for us will never be an issue as it potentially is for other couples. I hope that answers your question. Also, VC! You rock! Sounds like you have this figured out. Thank you so much for sharing!
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Post by whoaitsz on Mar 16, 2013 15:13:15 GMT -5
Dealt with caretakers of wheelers? Any stories advice dealing with privacy and intimacy when we have caretakers? This interests me greatly. I am the wheeler, not the dev, but I'm still going to share. I have SMA and have had 50+ cpas in my life. I've had brilliant aides, aides dumber than a brick, drop dead gorgeous aides, old aides, young aides, skinny, big, white, black, male and female. I've only had 4 male aides. I am not uncomfortable sexually (even with a gay male cpa I had), but overall.... just don't like male aides much. I have an all-devouring libido and it can be extremely embarrassing. One of my better aides was always like "Well, at least part of you are awake!". When I was around 20 and older woman just smiled and took me in her hand and went for it. After that, one of my closer aides would just set me up so I could get off. I've also had some unimaginably awesome hjs from various ones. The main thing was to NEVER be an asshole. Never just say 'zomg, would you mind getting me off?. That's a good way to be legally f*cked and, in general, be a jerk. It's not cool. I've always been able to read people well. Some you just keep your mouth shut entirely. As for privacy... they are human. They are under obligation to keep things going on while they work to themselves... but people talk. One of my more amusing moments was when my ex-wife flew to visit me and the aide I had worked for me for a couple of years. She had forgotten that I had company and just busted into my bedroom. Yeah, she exited faster than I had EVER seen her move. In all honesty, I don't really care. For instance, before my last b-day, I had hired a stripper. My aides could either work in the rest of the house or watch and pay. I'm not going to not live for other people. I would never put them in a bad place, though. Right now I'm kinda screwed... hope things get better. I'm sure they will. sorry if tmi.... I find direct honesty to be best...
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Post by whoaitsz on Mar 16, 2013 15:15:05 GMT -5
i feel like i totally posted off topic above. sorry if so.
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Post by lisa on Mar 16, 2013 16:16:27 GMT -5
With they guys I've dated...we just go for it. (ie. caregiver helps them in bed, I join in after, we do our thing....over time I gradually take on a bit more responsibility with helping.) It might feel awkward at first for the caregiver to be privy to the sexual nature of the situation , but, it's only human...and as a caregiver, you are exposed to everything human. So my advice is, Just do it:) As I said, I've also been the caregiver...I've left guys in bed with lube on the side table... I trained a girl once how to use a sling to transfer her boyfriend...This chick must not have been a dev because she completely freaked out and cried (don't ask me why) Or watch the movie "the sessions". It's about a disabled fellow who hires someone to help him lose his virginity, so his caregivers help him into bed and talk to him about it and stuff. And as someone who's dated people with caregivers...I just accept that the caregiver is a part of their life, and enjoy my partner. Van, I just so love every single one of your posts. It really sounds as if you found your position. Thanks for sharing!
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Post by geekychair on Mar 16, 2013 22:43:33 GMT -5
Great answers, thanks.
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Post by lavly on Mar 17, 2013 10:18:29 GMT -5
i feel like i totally posted off topic above. sorry if so. You so didnt . That's why the thread is here. As a starting point for real convos . Thanks for sharing . And to everyone thanks for posting ... It's really cool reading all this stuff and learning from it.
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Post by tibber on Mar 20, 2013 16:48:01 GMT -5
Do devs prefer the, um, subjects of their devness to be sexually experienced?
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Post by Kid A on Mar 20, 2013 16:58:02 GMT -5
Do devs prefer the, um, subjects of their devness to be sexually experienced? It depends on the dev. Many of us agree that dev-ness is on a spectrum. On the lower end are devs who just like to read dev fiction and keep their dev-ness strictly in the fantasy realm. At the other end of the spectrum are devs who must be in relationships with disabled partners in order to be completely content. For those at that end, the subject of their dev-ness would most certainly have to be experienced in the bedroom. They wouldn't be happy otherwise. I'm not sure where I fall on that spectrum, quite honestly, but I am currently, quite happily in a serious relationship with a person with a disability, whom I actually met on this board.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2013 17:24:52 GMT -5
For me sexual experience is NOT something I've ever needed/looked for in a partner. I've always figured we'd figure it out together in our own time. In fact the guys I have dated that lauded their experiences kind of weirded me out. A lot of ground can be covered through an emotional connection and sex comes later. For me anyway.
But I'm also on the low-end of Kid A's Dev spectrum.
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Post by Kid A on Mar 20, 2013 17:36:07 GMT -5
I've always figured we'd figure it out together in our own time. I couldn't agree more, EJ!
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Post by tibber on Mar 20, 2013 18:49:46 GMT -5
Also, forgive me if "subject" is the wrong word, I'm new to all this.
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