...Envy!

[Pony]

Envious!!

It's not quite jealousy! Call it strong-envy! I'd like to think I don't go around feeling jealous of my able-bodied friends, or any AB people, but there are times that it smacks my face hard that we live in completely different worlds. Case in point, my buddy flew to St. Croix, Virgin Islands this morning with another friend. They will be staying in a small cottage right on the beach of a postcard-esque lagoon that looks like something from the movies. Of course, scuba diving, snorkeling, playing tennis, Golf at the lush country club next-door and, naturally, partying at the shoreline bar is on the agenda.

Here I am dealing with quad-problems, like who's going to help me get out of bed when my aide goes out of town on weekend. Look, it's hard to fight the envy-bug off - these are dreams I had before and after the wreck that left me c5-c6 SCI. It's never healthy to compare my life with anyone, even paras. I'm usually going to lose that battle. It's not that I don't appreciate being a strong quad that pushes and drives, but there are moments I wish so badly to have my old body back. I know my relationships would be so much more rich. And really I’m happy as hell for my buddy, can’t wait to hear the stories and see pictures.

One thing I think about sometimes, experiences like playing basketball, playing guitar, throwing Frisbee and running on beach with your friends have a bonding effect. I tell myself 'it's part of serving this life-sentence I was handed at 21.' It's only a part of the price I must pay for being alive, really. If you're going to live with this high-level Spinal Cord injury, then you're going to pay the price. You’ll pay a fucking price no one will ever understand. Even I can’t fully understand it at times, so there’s no way most people will ever get it!

Don't get me wrong, this is not a bitch about my life writing - far from it! It's a vehicle for me to express the truth - not hide behind a veil of rosiness! To put it in perspective, I love so much about my life, and I'm damn happy it's turned out as good as it has, but this life comes with deep ditches. I try to embrace the good and bad.

It's all part of the price to be paid for breaking my neck that night I so stupidly drove drunk into a tree. Sometimes your actions come with heavy consequences. In my case, I will pay for that bad decision for the rest of my life. It's ok. I will serve this sentence rather than the other option. But yes, at times, I will feel envy for those that are not in the cell with me. It's just part of the game!

[Deleted]

As usual a very brilliantly written insight. You make that holiday sound so incredible I am feeling kind of envious also. But you bring up some intense, thought provoking stuff here. Thanks for sharing your thoughts so well.

[skywheeler]

That's really well stated - I often feel very similar and don't have the balls to just put it out there like that. I'll add this twist though: sometimes I envy those of you who get to explain / make sense of your disability through the "paying a price" explanation. My disability was just due to a diving accident ... at times I wish there were more cosmic significance.

[Pony]

Just wanted to shine some light on an area not discussed much. I'm sure it comes in different degrees depending on the chairdude and situation, but I bet we've all felt it.

Sky...I almost did the job on my neck by driving in pool that the wall curved in towards the middle about a year before my wreck. I remember doing a cut-away dive from a diving board, slicing through the water, hitting my head pretty hard - immediately thinking this is how people break their neck. It still has some 'cosmic significance!' lol

[Dee Dee]

To put it a bit more into perspective, Tony, so many people are handed "unlucky cards" early on or somewhat later in life. Not just people with disabilities, although those may sometimes come first in people´s minds when talking about adversity.

There are many people around, who suffer from either invisible diseases or disabilities. People cannot see their problems immediately and that can and does make things more problematic. Just to give an example, I think a quad like yourself, Tony, would often experience other people holding the door for you (at least I hope, you often experience this). But think of the guy with severe arthritis for instance - you may not see his disease but he may also have great trouble opening doors.

There are millions of people who need to climb big obstacles every day. Just think of poverty-ridden people. Or people in war zones.

Make no mistake, I can definitely understand, where you are coming from, Tony, but wanted to expand on this subject. Often in life we need to remind ourselves that we are not alone with our problems/situations/difficulties. The reason we need to do this, I think, is that knowing that obstacles - sometimes almost insurmountable obstacles - are part of life and other people experience this all the time too.

[lavly]

Thanks for sharing tony