Pretending when you were a child?

[feelsunshine]

I was actually looking for another thread but I came across this one, so I'll revive it. And my original thought also fits in here.
I recently stumbled across the memory that the movie "Heidi" was one of the first experiences where I saw a wheeler in a movie. Even though the paralyzed was a girl, this was one of the earliest moments where I knew that I feel a special relation to wheelers. So I was probably 6 or so.

In order to answer the original post. I never pretended in games neither did my barbie Ken need a wheelchair.
But my thoughts started at bedtime when I knew it was just me and my mind. I don't remember at which age this started, but I would lay in my bed pretending that I was laying in a hospital bed and waking up. I would remember that I had been in a car accident together with my boyfriend (just "any" guy, not a specific person I had in mind). But he wasn't in the room where I woke up. And as I was figuring out what had happened to me, my boyfriend wheeled in my hospital room. About my injuries, I was usually flexible, sometimes I was paralyzed as well, sometimes I was fine or had a broken leg or arm. But he always became paralyzed. That was my personal bedtime story and that did it for me for many years.

[Deleted]

I don't remember pretending as a kid but I can see my devness in my writing from when I was a teenager...nowadays I read it and I nod to myself and know that there was definitely already a dev writing. I know I also acted out some of the stories kind of.
I also have an early memory (I was like 10 or so) of my friend's older sister, who I fantasized about and in my fantasies she always had it rough and it kinda did something to me. I guess there is developing sexuality involved since she was female but I remember her being like a guy and how I felt nervous around her. She was probably a lesbian but back in the day we didn't know.
I have actually totally crushed on a lesbian female wheeler a few months ago. I think I wrote about the encounter in "Wheeler spotting"

[pam]

The only memory I have of pretending when I was very young is not of pretending an actual disability but of an illness. This was back in about 4th grade so it was before any devy fantasies. My friend was over at my house and we were playing like we were a family and we had a pretend husband. I wanted him to get sick, I dont remember with what illness. But my friend didn't want to. She said he could have a headache but that was it. I remember being disappointed 😟

[Deleted]

I remember playing with a neighbours child when I was probably under 10, and always wanting them to stay in bed and pretend they couldn’t get out on their own. Pretty much proves that attraction to pwd is just a part of us, as I didn’t even hear about devs until nearly 40 years later !

[cilantro]

When I was very little (maybe 5ish) I would wrap un my beanie babies limbs in tape and pretend that they were injured. That's the earliest thing I can remember. When I was in elementary school and started to love books and reading, part of the fun was always creating a character for myself and thinking up my own stories for the book characters. My character was always some sort of healer helping the book characters through some sort of injury... as I got older it became more sexual, but it was so gradual that I don't think I even realized. Kinda wild how early these inclinations start. The average age of attraction is seven, but the average age of fascination I suspect is much earlier.

[kyliestarz]

At some point between 12-15 I started doing things like blind folding myself and tying up my legs or hands in private so I could pretend. Not sure if that counts as being a child though. As I’ve mentioned before in other posts I’m definitely attracted to the idea of my own disability, and indulge it every now and then, which isn’t easy.

[linda]

My first memory of having a crush on someone was that boy in kindergarden, so it must have been around age 4 or 5. I only realized very recently that my memory of him is closely connected to the fact that he had broken his arm and was wearing a cast. I don’t recall the timeline, but now I am pretty sure that him having caught my attention in the first place must have had something to do with his broken arm.

Later on in junior high school it was like an obvious matter, something that we apparently had naturally agreed on without ever having talked about, that my friend and I wanted to break our leg. It’s funny how it was just the most natural thing to us that this was something desirable to us. And from my understanding, everyone around somehow found it „cool“ to have to wear a cast because of a broken limb. I still think that this is a valid understanding of that time.

My friend and I tried really hard, and I remember especially one day when we climbed up trees and jumped down, trying to bend our legs during the fall in a way they would break or put the foot in a door while the other one smashed it with all power. It hurt like hell but we didn’t succeed. I have these elephant bones anyways, have had horses jump on my legs and fingers without ever anything happening except for lots of blood and pain (which was not part of the initial desire ...)
Some time later I came to school while my friend was awaiting me with a triumphal smile on her face, hiding half of her body behind the door. It turned out she had torn a ligament and finally succeeded in getting a cast. She was so happy and I was so jealous.

I really do hope that the „devs only“ gets respected. I can so well understand the irritation of PWDs about us AB devs having these kind of thoughts and desires.

Nevertheless all of these stories here prove that devness is congenital. Which is also obvious, because why on earth whould anyone of us chose to have this kind of preference/tendency/attraction which brings so much hardship into our lives? Starting with the guilt and shame, hiding for a long time as many of us have or still do. And even when living out on our dream in a relationship with a PWD, that would not always be the easiest, as I have experienced myself just recently.

I am what I am, so it is pointless to wonder what would be if I wasn’t a dev. But that much of explanation for the PWDs who couldn’t resist reading this. Maybe it can help to understand a bit better.

[cilantro]

Nov 10, 2019 5:46:57 GMT -5 linda said:

My first memory of having a crush on someone was that boy in kindergarden, so it must have been around age 4 or 5. I only realized very recently that my memory of him is closely connected to the fact that he had broken his arm and was wearing a cast. I don’t recall the timeline, but now I am pretty sure that him having caught my attention in the first place must have had something to do with his broken arm.

Later on in junior high school it was like an obvious matter, something that we apparently had naturally agreed on without ever having talked about, that my friend and I wanted to break our leg. It’s funny how it was just the most natural thing to us that this was something desirable to us. And from my understanding, everyone around somehow found it „cool“ to have to wear a cast because of a broken limb. I still think that this is a valid understanding of that time.

My friend and I tried really hard, and I remember especially one day when we climbed up trees and jumped down, trying to bend our legs during the fall in a way they would break or put the foot in a door while the other one smashed it with all power. It hurt like hell but we didn’t succeed. I have these elephant bones anyways, have had horses jump on my legs and fingers without ever anything happening except for lots of blood and pain (which was not part of the initial desire ...)
Some time later I came to school while my friend was awaiting me with a triumphal smile on her face, hiding half of her body behind the door. It turned out she had torn a ligament and finally succeeded in getting a cast. She was so happy and I was so jealous.

I really do hope that the „devs only“ gets respected. I can so well understand the irritation of PWDs about us AB devs having these kind of thoughts and desires.

Nevertheless all of these stories here prove that devness is congenital. Which is also obvious, because why on earth whould anyone of us chose to have this kind of preference/tendency/attraction which brings so much hardship into our lives? Starting with the guilt and shame, hiding for a long time as many of us have or still do. And even when living out on our dream in a relationship with a PWD, that would not always be the easiest, as I have experienced myself just recently.

I am what I am, so it is pointless to wonder what would be if I wasn’t a dev. But that much of explanation for the PWDs who couldn’t resist reading this. Maybe it can help to understand a bit better.

THIS. ALL OF THIS. Same for me!!!

[Deleted]

It's interesting you bring up the casts linda
Two male very hardcore crushes I had in my early teenage years had broken their leg and also a friend of mine who I had another girl crush on broke her leg ice skating and all of those situations fascinated me and invaded lots of my thoughts.
All this though happened during sexual development, so I am still not all the way convinced that it's something I was born with or if certain things during a certain age trigger something in the brain developing and manifesting into something sexual.

[loveparas]

I started to realize about my devness without understanding what it was, just that it was different when I realized I found a weird love for playing the "doctor game" with friends even though I hate blood, cuts and anything related with basically being a doctor lol.

I also later I started experimenting and seing new details. One was looking at my legs when I sat on the PC chair (those with small wheels) and I realized I found them "more appealing" if that makes sense.

I generally don't talk about this stuff since I tend to keep this things to myself. I find it as I was telling my friends about what things I did in bed or stuff. Even tho it doesn't involve masturbation in any way, I see the pleasure I get from doing things as that as the one someone would get from martubation? Lol I suppose. I just mean that I tend to be more timid about showing those parts of myself.

PS: I also remember moving around my room and house on the pc chair without using my legs. I guess it was a way of experimenting with my feeling and finding my likes. My parents just thought I was lazy lmao.

[loveparas]

Jun 9, 2013 3:44:16 GMT -5 lisa said:

Jun 9, 2013 2:04:21 GMT -5 Ath said:

But how did you know this or disabilities was a bad thing - who told you? how did you learn. Or did you just automatically know, or did you assume it was bad because it was not so common

Good question! I don't know. I think I just figured that if I was caught staring at wheelers, there will be awkward questions or my parents telling me to not look at these "sick guys". Though I can't recall a situation where this actually happened.

Yeah I remember experiencing things as those! I reckon staring at guys with broken legs that had to use crutches since I was super small, like 4 or 5! Then I started to realized what I really liked where wheelchair guys. I always stared but I was both scared that my parents would notice and that the person would feel uncomfortable or feel like I was judging him as most do.

I remember being extremely young and seing them so normal and ok while everyone was like "ow poor guy!" that type of sentence made no sense for me and those types of comments did and still do make me so unconfortable!

[Amee]

Nov 10, 2019 5:46:57 GMT -5 linda said:

Later on in junior high school it was like an obvious matter, something that we apparently had naturally agreed on without ever having talked about, that my friend and I wanted to break our leg. It’s funny how it was just the most natural thing to us that this was something desirable to us. And from my understanding, everyone around somehow found it „cool“ to have to wear a cast because of a broken limb. I still think that this is a valid understanding of that time.

linda I recognize this from my own childhood too! Having a broken limb and wearing a cast was definitely generally considered "cool" during primary and early high school by a majority of my classmates. It makes sense too, because kids, who had broken limbs always got extra attention and many kids generally enjoy attention. I remember that a neighbour of mine once wore her arm in a sling in play for several days. When I was nine or ten years old a classmate in primary school used a wheelchair for some time, because he had broken a leg (it must've been some kind of complicated multiple fracture, because he had several surgeries over a period of time, hence I'm assuming the necessity of the wheelchair). I clearly remember that most of the kids in the class found this very cool, wanted to try the wheelchair (and did) and the boy also seemed to enjoy the attention a lot. I'm assuming this was all predicated on the common knowledge that it was only a temporary thing, but I can't be sure.
Ironically, I also distinctly remember that I myself never had any desire to break a bone or wear a cast or have any injury at all. I was always a very physically active, but shy child and I remember that the thought of breaking a bone was very uncomfortable to me both for the physical limitation and the expected attention.
My classmate in primary school using a wheelchair was one of the first clear memories I have of a beginning dev awareness. I remember that I was very interested and oddly drawn to him, while also already recognizing that there was something not entirely right about this strong interest. I also remember that unlike many children in the class, I had no desire at all to try his wheelchair and the idea actually made me a little uncomfortable. Although I can't say for sure if that had to do with the fact that I already had a feeling that there was something not quite right with my interest or just with a general learned discomfort with something disability-related.

[Deleted]

all the time .. seems i'm not the only one

[stasi]

I relate SO HARD to a lot of these experiences. So much so that it's giving me a minor identity crisis...apparently I'm not special at all! Haha

Anyway, the earliest dev thing I can remember is this kids' book about medicine and minor injuries with all these pictures that my parents used to read to me when I was two or three. I was obsessed with this picture of a kid with a scraped knee and the dad putting a band-aid on it. Apparently I had a special name for the book and used to request it all the time, and my parents still talk about it. (They have no idea about the whole dev thing--I think it's just too far out of the range of "normal" to even cross their minds.)

I only remember pretending with friends once. I got someone else to be the doctor and to push me around in this kids' chair I had and then I got up and pretended like I had crutches. But even then I instinctively felt that I had to hide this (like so many others on this thread), so I only played that game once. But before I went to sleep I used to indulge this fantasy about being in the playground with crutches on. I also had a surgery fantasy...so I definitely had the impulse to pretend, at least in my head. Early on, I think the line between being a dev and pretending was pretty blurry for me. In a way it still is. My fantasies are mostly about other people, but I tend to simultaneously imagine the sensation of disability. Like, I'm never clearly the PWD or the AB person in my fantasies, I kind of flit back and forth. Which actually feels really nice. It's like the integrity of both people gets to dissolve into one, and there's kind of a union.

feelsunshine, I forgot about "Heidi" till I read your post! I also really connected with that story, but as with all my dev interests in books and movies, I felt that it was something I shouldn't share. I even felt uncomfortable watching stuff with disability around my family, because I knew that what I was feeling was better enjoyed alone, and wasn't "appropriate" (even though I didn't connect it to my sexuality till I was 18). I also hated their condescending attitudes to all that stuff.

I'm connecting so many dots right now in this baby-dev/discovery phase that there's no way I could be in any way exhaustive about my early experiences here. I'm not saying all the shame's gone yet. But I'm definitely not in denial anymore. And it's one of the most intense experiences I've ever had. I think it's what some of you have talked about in other threads as a dev high. I'm like...really aroused, all the time. (We're on day three.) It almost feels manic. It's awesome but also crazy intense and I can't focus on much else.

[indigo44]

OMG! I relate so much to this whole thread! As a kid I had lots of fantasies and even dreams about pretending which would arouse me even before I understood what sex even was, but somehow I instinctively knew it was something that I felt I must keep top secret. When I was younger I think my devness was actually much more fetish-like than it is now which is weird, as it was more related to imagining myself disabled and just having a facsination with disablity but around the time of puberty it developed into more of an attraction to disabled guys.

I never got the opportunity to actually pretend though and still would like to try it. The only circumstances where I sort of pretended was playing doctor with my friend as a kid where we would wrap each others arms in bandages and pretend to have a broken arm, it made me feel weird and kind of uncomfortable in a way I can't really explain.

I also remember being intrigued by any film that had a disabled character and I too remember the movie 'Heidi' being one of them as well as 'The Secret Garden', I remember watching those movies and I definitely felt a sort of pull to those characters that I didn't understand at the time.