...Stares and Stairs

[Pony]

Stares and Stairs


Stairs are not my friend, but there’s nothing personal. I just realize stairs aren’t made with me in mind

I’ve been pulled up them many times, but mostly I look for ways around them. How limited a person in a wheelchair had to be back in the days before public buildings or city property had to be accessible for chairs. The physical barriers were real, and it sent a message to society that people with disabilities were surely 2nd class citizens. Not worth as much as able-body people.

Not anymore, at least In America. Usually, businesses go out of their way to make their establishment accessible. Part of that is being politically-correct, another (bigger) part, it’s the law.

Now, you can be sure that not all countries around the planet put that much energy into accessibility for people in a chair. And in fact, outright discrimination is still acceptable in many places. I’m not saying America is exempt of that. Believe me, ‘the struggle continues,’ is all I can say.

What is personal, and more of an obstacle than stairs is…stares. I can’t get around stares, or pulled up and over them. Stares are attitudes, and sometimes manners. There has always been a certain amount of stares since my 2nd life in a chair began, so I’m as comfortable with them as I’m probably ever going to be. But there are times when life comes to a halt so that people can just have a nice long, non-blinking, stare.

Not all stares are the same, and in fact, I do my share of staring if a person enters a room in a chair. However, I’m careful not to openly gawk, or stare at them for long periods of time with my mouth open.

Most people know how to control the curiosity, but many don’t, and it’s a strange feeling when I encounter one of these animals. It’s as if I’m not human. Worse, it’s as if I don’t belong there. Sometimes I’ll smile and say ‘Hey, how you doing?’, receiving barely a response. On the opposite side of things, there’s some people that don’t want to see you at all, choosing to totally block you out. Both can be awkward, even painful.

You see, it’s those epic stares that concern me, even though they really don’t affect my pride, self-esteem or any other facet of my self-identity. Still, you can feel the disconnect, the wall go up. It’s an unspoken prejudice. A perception they have imprinted on their brain. Whether it started with media, or just lack of exposure to anyone in a chair, I don’t know, but it’s there. And it leaves me questioning what I look like.

Think about if someone stares very hard at your shirt. You start looking for something on your shirt. It’s that feeling.

Let me run trough a few of the stares.

1. The Traveling Eyes Stare -This stare is while your talking to this person their eyes are traveling all over you. They’re speaking fine, but visually, they are all over you.

2. The Glassy Eyes Stare - This stare is evident when they are staring blankly into your eyes with little movement, usually accompanied with a frozen smile, but they aren’t really hearing you.

3. The Ghost Stare - Self-descriptive, but staring expressionless, as if they’re looking at a ghost.

4. The We-Need-To-Talk Stare - This stare is sneaky, usually in your peripheral vision. You can feel the eyeballs on you, and then eventually they get the nerve to say something. Usually something like, ‘I was in a wheelchair for six months, man. They told me I’d never walk again, but I didn’t listen to them. It was hard. I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there, dude.’

[melita]

Oh, yes, I'd read it a few days before registering here, and found it sobering and so true. I would say you really have a way with words when expressing your thoughts. You are precise, aim well and hit right in the center.
Is it going to be in your book?

And now about the issue:
I cant say anything about US, never been there, but I guess people are everywhere about the same, except here where I live (or it seems to me, be the judge by yourself).

About the stairs. Recently they made some ramps around the city, but guess what, they are for bicycles, or baby strollers, too narrow for wheelchairs. The same is with parking lots. Some months ago I found out they put some extra space next to disability spots for transfer. Before that it used to be an usual parking spot with the sign on it. But they are never, never free. Then lifts in high buildings! They are so small that two people hardly manage not to be in each other's personal space. This is why it's nearly impossible to meet a person in a wheelchair in the city. Just the other day I saw a young man in one of the streets in the very center reserved for pedestrians. And here is the link with... stares.
Imagine this street full of people walking, window shopping, chatting, hurrying... whatever. It was packed. But how I noticed a man in a wheelchair? (I was in a hurry too.) All of a sudden there was nobody not around him, there was nobody awaaaaaay around him. People just ran away like on a command, as if the young man was a plague carrier or something. Then it hit me. It's a stereotype in this part of the world: disability (any disability) is a shame. Families hide their disabled members. I don't know the history of it, although I should.
So, tell me, Tony, how am I to fight this society? How am I to write something and try to change the attitude of such a society. No law can change this. It is a news when a disabled person gets a degree at the University.
I was trying to talk about stares. Stares come later, when all the other things are OK.
And you made such a good job describing them. The 4th one you'd never meet here.
Do people shout at you thinking you are deaf? (They shout at my husband here who is a foreigner (he's been living here for 30 years and still is a foreigner!)and they are convinced they don't understand him speaking.)

And yes. There is this "milder" attitude: "You should help disabled people, but you should NOT fall in love with them". If you ask why (as I did) you'll hear the most unbelievable theory: "their physical disability distorts their soul." Stereotype again. Where from? I have no idea.

And I don't think it was just by chance that in Croatia (they are the same people there as here, just more sneaky - and I am Croatian by birth, by the way) they published one (and I mean 1) translated book with disabled character and it was Moyo's Me Before You. And it's actually about assisted suicide. What a shame!
Ugh, sorry I feel now as if a tap had opened inside of me and I can't stop it.

Sorry, Tony, forgive me if I burdened you too much.

[Ath]

melita are there no disability rights organizations? It's easier to make a difference if people are organized, its easier to "protest" louder if you have people behind you.

[melita]

Of course there are, they had a protest last year, I think, but nobody really seem to care.
Unemployment is generally very high, there are a lot of hungry people, but situation is that everybody is depressed, and consequently insensitive, indifferent.
I've seen some reactions on these protests like rolling eyes and words: "What do these people want?"
Disabled people with good qualifications usually leave the country and go abroad (to Sweden preferably) to work. The law isn't good. It used to be much better maybe two decades ago. I've read it.
But the law isn't the issue here. The issue are stereotypes and prejudices. How do you change that?
I mean, they apply the law but wrongly, neglectfully.

[Ath]

maybe we should move these posts it's own topic?

[melita]

Maybe, I am totally inexperienced here!

[Sova]

Jul 16, 2014 12:41:04 GMT -5 melita said:

in Croatia (they are the same people there as here, just more sneaky

[Pony]

Speaking of sneaky Croatians...lol Actually Melita, that's what I meant in this writing....stairs can be changed to ramps, but stares (attitudes) are much harder to change. It can take generations. Look how long stereotypes lasted (still going) for women, gays and black people. The prejudices against disabled will last even longer, I believe because it's more accepted socially. The walls of stupidity are being eroded, but it's slow....thanks to dudes like Sova, me and others on here, minds are being transformed brain by brain...

[melita]

But it seems I offended Sova. This is why I said I was Croatian by birth (my parents are both from there and I was born there). And what I meant is that people here are blunt and outright rude. But there they would hurt you smiling to your face, being very polite. What I meant as well is that I consider myself citizen of the World.
Please, forgive me if I insulted you in any way, Sova.
Friends?

[melita]

I'm listening to your music, Tony, and enjoying. I like GOOD OLD ROCK! But I'm not an expert.

I am so sorry, again, for hurting Sova! I feel like I want to eat my own ears now (he will understand the expression and the feeling)! Oh, Sheesh!

[Pony]

Don't worry about Sova...he's just fine, I'm positive!!

[melita]

OK, we'll see.

Hey, I just put you on my FBb site. I'm listening to your rock since morning (it's 5, 30 pm now here)! LIKE IT A LOT!!! ) (only to let you know).

[Pony]

Heyyyy gracias, Melita....that means a LOT!!!

[melita]

I am so glad! And I also think it's the music of our generation!

Another thing, I'll always believe whatever you say: 'cose you were right about Sova, who answered to my apologizing massage in our language telling me he was just making fun of me!

It'll take some time to get to know people here and you are such a good character-reader.

And I owe you so many thanks for "taking me under your wing", so to speak. It's been so long since I've felt that way: supported and protected.

ur friend Melita

[Pony]

heyyy Sova is an alpha dog...most confident, smooth operator you'll ever find - ab, or not!! He's not sensitive n pouty. lol

Heyyyy, ur in the dev-jungle...you're free to let your devology out!!