greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by greenbean on Aug 12, 2014 1:03:17 GMT -5
I feel like I’m going crazy. About 6 months ago I told my boyfriend who I have been dating for just shy of 2 years that I want to hook up with disabled guys. My bf is ab just to clarify. I felt pretty shit saying those words out loud because I knew it would hurt him but it’s the truth and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. Anyways, he said he wouldn’t be comfortable with it and I chose to stay in the relationship and remain monogamous (which I have). About a month ago we were talking about that day and he brought it up and said that if he was ever going to be ok with me doing that kind of stuff it would have to be for both of us rather than a one sided sacrifice on his part.
This is why I am going crazy. Because I feel like it’s not the closed issue I initially thought it was. He’s been thinking about it and I want this so fucking bad. I love this guy, I want a family with him, I want to spend my life with him, but christ do I ever want to bang the kind of guy that turns me on sexually. And I feel guilty and wrong for wanting the best of both worlds, like who the hell do I think I am?
I also can’t help but think that if him letting me hook up with a dis guy is contingent on it being ‘for both of us’ it’s never going to happen. I mean what’s in it for him really? I know he’s worried that I’ll want to break up with him and seek out another relationship, that I’ll spend less time with him…
I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a committed relationship with an ab guy and had sex on the side with a PWD? Did your partner know about it? How did you guys work things out? I think I know for sure I don’t want a committed relationship with a PWD mostly because the men I am attracted to are severely disabled and I’m just not ready to take that on, it doesn’t fit in with my life. But I don’t want the dis guy to end up hurt and I don’t want to royally fuck over my current happy relationship.
Reading that over I feel like I’m asking for a hell of a lot. I would love to heard feedback, I’m pretty tough so no need to sugar coat anything, if you think I’m being a whiny shit stick lemme have it. Mostly keen on hearing story from lady's who have been in similar situations and how they played out long term, although I know every story will be very different
Edit: just wanted to say i'll be out of town for a couple days so if I don't reply promptly I will definitely get back to your comments when i'm home
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Post by Ath on Aug 12, 2014 1:34:19 GMT -5
Not ready to go into a deep discussion right now but what about group sex? Perhaps a couple with a disabled guy and a woman who your partner might find attractive.
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Post by eva on Aug 12, 2014 5:42:32 GMT -5
Hi Greenbean, What does that mean exactly? I understand that he wouldn’t want the situation to get out of hand, but how would he manage that? By participating? By watching? I don’t really understand what he means when he says "for both of us". Obviously, he’s in controlling mode, which is understandable because he’s afraid of losing you: you want something he cannot offer you. You’re a dev and you want to live out your sexual orientation, it’s as simple as that. And legitimate, too. It’s not easy for us, because it’s always on our mind. We fantasize a lot, and very often to the point of obsession. Oscar Wilde said the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it… True for starters when you’re a dev. Except we never get rid of it. Also, some of us may not want to I think it’s a very bad idea to tell your partner that you’re seeing someone else. Even when it’s over. Even years later. Few people are open-minded enough to accept that and it often creates unnecessary tension in a relationship that mostly leads to break-up or at least a lot of (avoidable) unhappiness. Frankly, who cares if one of you breached the contract and nothing bad happened after that? You don’t have to share everything with your SO, especially if they might get hurt. I know you’re speaking in context, but PWD or not doesn’t make any difference. Well, unless you keep everything to yourself, it’s going to be pretty hard to keep a balance, and still. Plus, no garanty the PWD will not end up hurt, unless you are upfront about just wanting sex from the very beginning. You are not a whiner, Greenbean. Have you ever been with a PWD before ? Are you speaking about a long term relationship with an AB? Or a LTR with a PWD lover on the side? I can orgasm with an AB, even though my desire wanes as time goes by. But this is a constant, for other reasons too, I suppose. As for long term RS with a lover, I personally can’t do it for too long, I’m the kind who falls in love and I can’t stay with both people for very long.
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Post by devogirl on Aug 12, 2014 8:00:06 GMT -5
I disagree that it's a bad idea to tell your partner. If you guys want an open or monogamish relationship, go for it, but do it right. Lay out ground rules that you can both live with: is it going to be NSA sex only, one time only with a new person, or someone you keep seeing repeatedly? Do you think you can keep from getting too emotionally attached to the new guy? Do you feel jealous about your partner being with other girls, or could you live with it? Will you report to each other when it happens, or keep a don't ask don't tell policy?
To be honest, I don't have this kind of arrangement currently because I don't feel I need it. But I have done open relationships in the past. There is no one set of rules that works for everyone. As a couple you have to work out what feels ok for both of you. This means sitting down at least once and having a very honest, detailed conversation, no matter how awkward.
But from your post it sounds like you're not quite ready for that conversation yet. You need to let go of all the emotional baggage and guilt in that post. You are not asking for too much. You are being honest about what you need to be happy in this relationship. He's willing to meet you halfway. If you two work out rules that he's ok with, you have to trust him that he really is ok. Don't second guess and wonder what's in it for him or if it's a perfectly equal trade. That will just sabotage your hard-won agreement.
As for any PWD you might meet, just be open and up front about your situation and the rules you have made for yourself. Let the guy decide for himself if that's something he wants. As long as you're not leading him on or sending mixed messages, you have to trust that he is a consenting adult. But also be really careful to find guys who have had some experience already. Don't chase after a guy who has never had sex or a relationship before. You may have to compromise a bit on the exact disability, but it's really important to find someone who is emotionally resilient and can handle NSA sex without getting attached.
Above all, you have to let go of all that guilt and self-doubt, because it's really toxic. Open relationships are more common than you realize, and it doesn't make you a bad person to be in one. I know you read Savage Love--if you don't already, I really encourage you to listen to the Savage Love podcast as well, because he gives much more detailed advice. Every week there is at least one call from a couple negotiating an open relationship. Listen to a bunch of episodes, hear the advice he gives, and the different kinds of arrangements people have, and think about what you want.
And for god's sake don't have kids with this guy until you have worked all this out.
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Post by Emma on Aug 13, 2014 0:36:59 GMT -5
I wish I had advice for you Greenbean but I never had that situation. I can however, totally understand your situation and think you are going about it the right way. I think its important for you to have experiences with disabled guys you are attracted to before you settle down with this AB guy for the long haul. If you don't do it now, I think you will regret it long term, especially since you are thinking about it now.
I was with an AB guy when I figured out the whole dev thing and realized then that I needed to be with disabled guys before I knew what I wanted in life. I was 25 at the time and also not that into my AB BF. We had been together for 6+ years and I knew there were issues, major ones despite being relatively happy day to day with him. Ultimately we broke up and I had an experience with a disabled guy immediately after. I then went on to date other AB guys and then finally the 2nd disabled guy who is now my husband.
Everyone has different experiences. Take the time to figure out what is best for you and enjoy this time you have to explore your devness.
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greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by greenbean on Aug 15, 2014 20:46:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback guys. And devogirl, I know I have to get my shame/guilt complex under control… I went to a psychologist for a while and things got better and I felt ok with myself and my sexuality, but I guess since me and my boyfriend have been talking about this stuff I’ve really gone downhill. I think it might be because I feel it’s my fault for causing problems in the relationship. My best friend read your post and really liked what you had to say by the way. I have actually written to Dan before, I really appreciate what he has to say on the subject of monogamy and I’m ok with open relationships but my boyfriend doesn’t like the idea as much. Ahhhhh, we have to talk about it no matter how awkward. Sounds difficult. But I know your right, dev mama. And thanks for your feedback to Eva. To answer one of your questions at least I have never been with a PWD. I would definitely tell my guy before sleeping with a PWD, but I know your right in legitimizing my sexual feelings. And Emma, I for sure feel like I need this experience. I just keep putting off really telling my guy how much I want it because I can’t bring myself to tell him he doesn’t satisfy me completely in a sexual way.. We have pretty good sex and I get wet (i.e. I wouldn’t describe it as a chore), but I’m always looking for a little more.
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Post by devogirl on Aug 16, 2014 9:39:48 GMT -5
I remember you wrote to Dan (awesome by the way). In his column, he only writes a few sentences per letter, but on the podcast, he goes in to much more detail. Sometimes if the person leaves a phone number, he calls him or her back and talks about the issue in depth. I really can't recommend it enough, just listening will give you great insight. Leaving aside the dev thing, your situation is not that different from a bi girl who has only dated guys and is in an LTR but really wants to sleep with women, or any other way people can be slightly mismatched. It's a really common problem.
Dan's advice is always the same: this will make or break a relationship. You will go for that experience sooner or later, with or without permission. So you can negotiate a way to make the relationship open, or cheat and risk a messy breakup.
I think it's a really good sign that you do enjoy sex with your BF, and that he willingly brought this up again. That's huge! He could have so easily pretended to forget you said anything--lots of people do that. You should have that hard conversation with him. Find out what he wants to be allowed to do (sleep with other girls?) and what kind of conditions you can both live with. Like maybe find some happy medium between informing him and not revealing too much that would make him uncomfortable. He might also feel better if you promised that each hookup would be one time only, if you think you can stick to that. I wouldn't offer any three way situation unless he really wants it. That is far more likely to upset him. Even people who have fantasies of group sex and cuckoldry sometimes have a hard time with the reality of it.
Also keep in mind that it's not so easy to find the PWD of your dreams. Unless you have already contacted someone, you might find that even after going through all this negotiation, there's no dude on the horizon. That's why I said in my previous post to consider other types of disabilities than your main one. You'll have more luck if you keep your options open. And stay away from those sheltered virgins, no matter how cute they are.
Finally, if you feel like you're backsliding into bad habits with shame and guilt, maybe a few more sessions with the therapist will help you get back on track. It's not whiny or selfish to reveal your true self to your partner and ask for what you need.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 19, 2014 18:35:52 GMT -5
I feel like I’m going crazy. About 6 months ago I told my boyfriend who I have been dating for just shy of 2 years that I want to hook up with disabled guys. My bf is ab just to clarify. I felt pretty shit saying those words out loud because I knew it would hurt him but it’s the truth and I just couldn’t keep it in anymore. Anyways, he said he wouldn’t be comfortable with it and I chose to stay in the relationship and remain monogamous (which I have). About a month ago we were talking about that day and he brought it up and said that if he was ever going to be ok with me doing that kind of stuff it would have to be for both of us rather than a one sided sacrifice on his part. This is why I am going crazy. Because I feel like it’s not the closed issue I initially thought it was. He’s been thinking about it and I want this so fucking bad. I love this guy, I want a family with him, I want to spend my life with him, but christ do I ever want to bang the kind of guy that turns me on sexually. And I feel guilty and wrong for wanting the best of both worlds, like who the hell do I think I am? I also can’t help but think that if him letting me hook up with a dis guy is contingent on it being ‘for both of us’ it’s never going to happen. I mean what’s in it for him really? I know he’s worried that I’ll want to break up with him and seek out another relationship, that I’ll spend less time with him… I was just wondering if anyone else has been in a committed relationship with an ab guy and had sex on the side with a PWD? Did your partner know about it? How did you guys work things out? I think I know for sure I don’t want a committed relationship with a PWD mostly because the men I am attracted to are severely disabled and I’m just not ready to take that on, it doesn’t fit in with my life. But I don’t want the dis guy to end up hurt and I don’t want to royally fuck over my current happy relationship. Reading that over I feel like I’m asking for a hell of a lot. I would love to heard feedback, I’m pretty tough so no need to sugar coat anything, if you think I’m being a whiny shit stick lemme have it. Mostly keen on hearing story from lady's who have been in similar situations and how they played out long term, although I know every story will be very different Edit: just wanted to say i'll be out of town for a couple days so if I don't reply promptly I will definitely get back to your comments when i'm home
I'm in the exact same situation as you...aside from the fact that I haven't told my man about my devness. I really want to have sex with a disabled guy on the side...even if it ends up being just a one time thing....
I think it's going to be tricky to keep your current relationship all happy and shit if you do decide to have sex with a disabled guy on the side. Personally, I would keep it a secret...but that's just me. I would also make sure the dis guy was totally on the same page as me...in terms of it being a strictly sexual/no strings attached type deal. In my opinion, telling your man about sexing another guy on the side is just bound to cause trust issues...which will likely resurface again and again throughout your relationship with him. In my ideal world, I would love to be given a free pass to have sex with a dis guy...no consequences....no questions asked.
Sorry, I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say I get what you're going through. It drives me fucking crazy sometimes too!!
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greenbean
Full Member
That's not me, just a chick with a pigeon poopin on her head.
Posts: 219
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by greenbean on Aug 22, 2014 12:46:11 GMT -5
[/quote]
I'm in the exact same situation as you...aside from the fact that I haven't told my man about my devness. I really want to have sex with a disabled guy on the side...even if it ends up being just a one time thing....
I think it's going to be tricky to keep your current relationship all happy and shit if you do decide to have sex with a disabled guy on the side. Personally, I would keep it a secret...but that's just me. I would also make sure the dis guy was totally on the same page as me...in terms of it being a strictly sexual/no strings attached type deal. In my opinion, telling your man about sexing another guy on the side is just bound to cause trust issues...which will likely resurface again and again throughout your relationship with him. In my ideal world, I would love to be given a free pass to have sex with a dis guy...no consequences....no questions asked.
Sorry, I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say I get what you're going through. It drives me fucking crazy sometimes too!!
[/quote] Thanks for your reply, it's comforting to hear from people in similar situations. Hehe, I also want that free pass! You're the second person who had suggested I do it without telling my guy, so I wanted to address that. When I was talking to my psychologist I totally brought this up as an option but she dissuaded me very quickly. She strongly felt cheating will always cause more problems then solutions. If my boyfriend did the same to me I would be very hurt, even if it was for a good reason like exploring his sexuality. Also, I just know myself and I know I couldn't keep a secret like that from him without feeling super guilty. I know I'd tell him at some point and I think it would break trust more then being honest and for example going on a break. I also want to preemptively apologize in case you think I'm judging your choices, but I know for me not telling isn't the right route. I hope you do whatever is right for both you and your partner
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Post by eva on Aug 23, 2014 6:04:04 GMT -5
Really, it depends. I am not an advocate for cheating, but if someone can handle it without jeopardizing a relationship that is important to them, it can even give a boost to that relationship. I feel like stressing it out because sometimes it's the only way to go and it's fine as long as you take responsibility for whatever happens from there. As long as nobody's hurt, I don't see what's wrong with it. Now, you made it clear that you couldn't, so you should absolutely not even try, because you would give yourself away very fast. Add the guilt and you have a recipe for disaster. Besides, your boyfriend seems pretty open-minded about the whole thing, so why not try? In your first post, you say there would be nothing in it for him, why are you so sure? That's not what he told you. Maybe he doesn't feel that threatened because it's a PWD? Greenbean, your boyfriend is ok with you exploring your sexuality so what's keeping you from living out your fantasy? There are many reasons for being afraid other than questioning your actual RS: could your hesitation lie in one of those?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2014 9:37:05 GMT -5
Every relationship and partner is different, but if yours happens to lean more toward the open-minded type, I guess telling is the better option. Just for me, personally, I know it would be a horrible option...knowing how my partner is and how he reacts to certain things. So basically, I guess there is no set right/wrong answer...it just depends on the situation. .....or we could just both start frantically praying to the dev gods for a free pass(?)
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Post by faith on Aug 23, 2014 14:48:51 GMT -5
I remember being where you are. Not the same situation... but the same feelings. I tell you all this as someone old enough to be your mother and with a perspective now I wish I had when I was in my 20's. (just turned 50).
When I was making the decision of a partner to marry/children/family I KNEW I was a dev. Didn't have the word dev nor even thoguht there were others like me but I knew in my heart my AB husband would never fill that gap for me yet there was enough other good things I thought it would be okay.
It wasn't okay. The dev gap can't be filled with anything else. Not a fun guy, not a good provider, not a good father, not a caring and considerate sexy man. That dev space in you can ONLY be filled by the disabled guy. And it's MORE than sex. It's more than just a physical attraction. It's a lifestyle. I've described my devness before as "the way my life should be".... and it goes WAY beyond sex.
I would not have married an AB guy if I could go back and have a re-do. I didn't know then what I know now how all-encompassing devness can be.
And I think your guy has every right to be uncomfortable with you wanting sex with someone else. You have told him you are attracted to dis guys... and he's not one. That can't make his heart feel good. I think it's the entire relationship he is looking at... not just sex. And if he can't have all of you, all your heart, there will always be problems.
You need to work it out but if I were in your situation I would let him go. My expereince is that the desire only gets stronger as the years go by and you don't want to invest in a relationship that is just "almost" right. Your worth more. He is worth more. And when you find the right dis guy everything will fall into place and you will fell complete. And you won't WANT to look outside that relationship for someone else.
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Post by vegmama on Aug 23, 2014 16:17:25 GMT -5
I remember being where you are. Not the same situation... but the same feelings. I tell you all this as someone old enough to be your mother and with a perspective now I wish I had when I was in my 20's. (just turned 50). When I was making the decision of a partner to marry/children/family I KNEW I was a dev. Didn't have the word dev nor even thoguht there were others like me but I knew in my heart my AB husband would never fill that gap for me yet there was enough other good things I thought it would be okay. It wasn't okay. The dev gap can't be filled with anything else. Not a fun guy, not a good provider, not a good father, not a caring and considerate sexy man. That dev space in you can ONLY be filled by the disabled guy. And it's MORE than sex. It's more than just a physical attraction. It's a lifestyle. I've described my devness before as "the way my life should be".... and it goes WAY beyond sex. I would not have married an AB guy if I could go back and have a re-do. I didn't know then what I know now how all-encompassing devness can be. And I think your guy has every right to be uncomfortable with you wanting sex with someone else. You have told him you are attracted to dis guys... and he's not one. That can't make his heart feel good. I think it's the entire relationship he is looking at... not just sex. And if he can't have all of you, all your heart, there will always be problems. You need to work it out but if I were in your situation I would let him go. My expereince is that the desire only gets stronger as the years go by and you don't want to invest in a relationship that is just "almost" right. Your worth more. He is worth more. And when you find the right dis guy everything will fall into place and you will fell complete. And you won't WANT to look outside that relationship for someone else. I totally agree! I know each dev differs somewhat in their need to be with a PWD and there are some devs here that are happy in relationships with AB guys. But it seems like there are so many of us that are struggling...Greenbean, Juno, Kaylee, myself. Each one of us has to go through our own journey...bumps included. And take the lessons learned in order to know what's best for us. But my advice is the same: it won't work. There is something missing for us that can only be filled by a PWD. Period. I will not say that I regret meeting/marrying my AB husband...saying that in a way means I regret my amazing little boy and my wonderful (ex)husband. I do not regret either of them. But, I DO regret the pain we are going through now as we try to separate our lives. I regret the pain I am causing him. If you are struggling now, it won't get better. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I'm being honest based on personal experience. I can offer you optimism by saying that if/when you get to experience being with a PWD...HOLY SHIT!! I will never go AB again!
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Post by eva on Aug 24, 2014 2:28:26 GMT -5
I couldn't agree more with every word you wrote, tc (regarding faith & vegmama's invaluable life experiences), but Greenbean also makes it clear in her first post, speaking of her AB boyfriend, that she wants to "spend her life with him, and wants a family with him" vs. "wanting to bang a severely disabled man" and that she's "just not ready to take that on, it doesn’t fit in with my life". In this context, maybe dumping the man she loves for a one-night stand would be a little extreme? Especially because you never know if reality is going to match up with your fantasy.
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Post by Cake on Aug 24, 2014 18:02:21 GMT -5
The only advice I'd like to give you Greenbean, is that I think it's generally a bad idea to ask for relationship advice on an internet forum, where everyone will just answer based on their own ideals and project their own world onto you - and not, as it should be, based on who you are and who your partner is and who you are together.
Additonally, from what I've seen, it's not a good idea to ask for relationship advice on PD if you're with an AB guy.
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