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Post by Emma on Oct 28, 2014 22:01:08 GMT -5
I've been thinking about this for a while and can't quite figure how to approach it all but here goes......
So I was thinking about how there are different types of devs. Some are very closeted and never find other devs, then there are those of us here who have recognized our sexual interest and looked into it enough to find others. There are also lots of different devs here. Some are more of a fantasy type dev and for various reasons just explore their interest through books, movies, etc. There are devs here who have dated disabled guys, some who have settled down with one and some who hope to do that.
It seems like every week there is a new dev or two posting an intro. Some participate and others disappear after just a few posts. Most new members are uncomfortable with their attraction and many are ashamed, shy, insecure, secretive, and lots of other adjectives I can't think of now. There are also lots of new dudes showing up weekly hoping to find their very own dev. I think part of the disconnect with those devs and guys not getting together besides the obvious ones everyone always talks about (personality match, location, looks, disability, etc) has to do with the fact that it takes a dev a LONG time to go from realizing her interests to, finding PD to possibly dating a disabled guy to actually going to meet her first disabled guy. It takes a lot to make the leap to dating a disabled guy because there is so much that comes along with that, most significantly the issue of eventually telling friends and family that the guy you are dating is disabled. For those of you who have dated one or more disabled guys, I'm curious how long it took you to go from realizing you were a dev to meeting a disabled guy in person.
Anyone else ever thought about all this?
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 28, 2014 22:18:56 GMT -5
For me, I had an interest since I was a little kid. But it wasn't very intense - never anything I would have actively tried to find, because AB guys were doin' it for me also. I did enjoy movies and books with disabled characters, but no more than other stuff. In general it wasn't very serious. It took me until I was 28 years old and stumbled into a disabled guy, who had a disability I had never been into or imagined being with, but he was awesome, so I went for it - and realized I didn't really want to go back. Dated a few disabled guys since. It does take a hell of a long time! But weirdly I've never had that sense of "shame" about it that I know a lot of devs have. I've never hidden anything, and I've also never made any declarations of my interest, simply went for it. This could be because the few close family members I have are the most non judgmental people in the world (my mom is amazing that way, and hasn't judged a single thing I've done in my life...it's kind of amazing and I hope to be that kind of mom someday). I've been judged far more harshly by my disabled partners' families than mine has ever been of my boyfriends! I think it just took this long because I hadn't experienced it yet and didn't see it as important. All of a sudden I feel like I just "fit", like I get why my personality is the way it is, and why I am who I am...my life makes way more sense now than it ever did before, even though I never yearned for things to be this way until now. I'm meant to date someone who needs that little bit of extra that a dev can give them. (Editing this to add that I feel like...like at this point I'd be "wasted" on an AB guy, even if I was attracted to him. Disabled guys get overlooked by many women, and if I'm perfectly suited for the situation and attracted to them, then why waste it on an AB guy? Haha.) That's how I see it, anyway.
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Post by kivic on Oct 29, 2014 11:46:07 GMT -5
I'm in the married to an AB boat and perhaps that has helped me get to my level of self-acceptance that I may not have been able to achieve if I had been single or in multiple relationships, I don't know. What I do know is that I was ready to come out as a dev when I joined PD. Hypothetically, if I was single and at the same level of dev-acceptance that I am at now, I would jump into a relationship with a DA guy, but cautiously (just like most any relationship, with caution).
I think at lot of the work, for myself, was done before I joined and then the JOY of finding women like myself opened up an entire new tangent in my dev journey! Question overload, devsharing, devchats, devfiction, devmovies, devsolidarity!!!
I also feel that if I had no ties or major responsibilities associated with family, job, and such, I would be more willing to take the plunge and that leap of faith to pursue a long-term relationship with a disabled guy, hypothetically of course because, you know, I'm married and stuff.
It is different for all of us though, some of us are ready to open up and be the dev we are inside and live what we feel and others are not as willing to do that. It's not the easiet thing to embrace but it is worth the effort.
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savannahgirl
Junior Member
Posts: 76
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by savannahgirl on Oct 29, 2014 13:23:21 GMT -5
I am married to AB who has no idea about my devotee status, if you want to call it that. I realized I was attracted to SCI wheelers at a young age while, of all things, watching an episode of Highway to Heaven. It involved a quad and I felt an instant attraction to the actor and have been attracted ever since. No one in my family knows and I probably will never "come out" so to speak. How do you explain that to somebody especially married to an AB and never having the pleasure of dating a wheeler. I was thrilled to find this group because all the women in here understand the pull and attraction whereas many of my friends outside the group never would.
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Post by queenjane on Oct 29, 2014 13:23:43 GMT -5
We really are all different here, it's pretty amazing! I appreciate everyone's unique history, thanks for sharing all and great question, Emma. It took me a long time to feel like I'm at home in this place, but more than anything that's due to my own inhibitions and general uneasiness with expressing myself openly in a public forum (I joined in '11, had lurked for far longer and have only very recently taken the plunge). So I do understand why devs are not often all active off the bat, as I'm one of them, but for my part it had nothing to do with my own acceptance of self or level of comfort with my own devness. I've never known myself to be anything but a dev, long before I had a name for it. My first dev memories go back to my early childhood, and are some of my earliest memories period. I hid it and dealt with serious guilt and shame, and I didn't tell anyone in my life until after I'd finished college. I came out to my friends and immediate family in 2009 when I realized that hiding and denying who I am for so long had literally made me ill (I developed a panic disorder). That was one of the best – if not the best – decisions I've ever made in my life.
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Post by Emma on Oct 29, 2014 15:50:28 GMT -5
Woah thanks for all your responses! I was expecting to get much a few sentences with numbers from everyone. I guess my journey is a little bit more clear cut in terms of number of years because of how it all played out. Like all of you I have always been a dev but I guess it took me a while to even realize that I had more of an interest in disability than other people. I didn't start actively pursuing disability related books and movies until I was 21 years old. Sure I remember books and movies I saw through my childhood and teenage years that had characters I was interested in but I never actively searched them out. Once I started doing that it didn't take long until I looked online (the year was 2000 and there was dev stuff all over the internet by then) and realized that there were lots of other devs out there. I guess I'd say thats when I identified as a dev. I started being active in the online dev community about 2 years after that and started talking with other female devs as well as the occasional disabled guy. My first meeting with a disabled guy I met online was about 4 years after I identified as a dev. It took me another 5 years until I met my husband. I think compared to some people accepting that I was a dev came fast and in other ways I think I was really slow about connecting things.
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savannahgirl
Junior Member
Posts: 76
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by savannahgirl on Oct 29, 2014 16:21:25 GMT -5
I realized I was attracted to SCI wheelers at a young age while, of all things, watching an episode of Highway to Heaven. It involved a quad and I felt an instant attraction to the actor and have been attracted ever since. Oh, yes. You're speaking of Jim Troesh, "The Hollywood Quad." One of my first dev experiences, too. www.spinalpedia.com/blog/2014/02/sci-superstar-hollywood-quad-jim-troesh/And I know kivic and I are always happy to meet another dev-married-to-an-AB. Yep, 100% correct. I was so sad when I found out he had passed. But he was my first "crush".
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Oct 29, 2014 22:07:01 GMT -5
The main reason I came out to my family was because I was already at the point where I had expressed interest in more than one wheeler. I figured if I brought home more than one that there would be questions. I never brought home a single one but I flew to visit a few, so there was that.
I spent a lot of time and energy hiding my fiction dev stash and buying decoy non-DA hero books. lol
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Post by Emma on Oct 29, 2014 22:28:34 GMT -5
Its tough to think about using language and not internal feelings huh? Just typing the question and one response made me realize some things I never put into words before.
Its interesting TC that even before you knew you were a dev you knew you only wanted to bring home one wheeler. I didn't plan that as well and my family knows about both guys I dated. I haven't gotten any direct questions though, just a few backhanded comments from my Mom at inappropriate times when there is no way I could explain things (like while opening presents at my wedding shower!)
For those of you who dated disabled guys how long did it take you to go from dating AB guys to your first disabled guy or was your first date a disabled guy?
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Post by Maurine on Oct 30, 2014 3:08:33 GMT -5
For those of you who dated disabled guys how long did it take you to go from dating AB guys to your first disabled guy or was your first date a disabled guy? My first sexual and romantic contacts and relationships were with AB guys. I always knew my attraction to them would only last short-term. Maybe I could have met an AB that I would have had a serious LTR with, but I never met one that I'd have considered. I didn't know many disabled guys either. Actually, I think I met the first guy of roughly my age with a disability that is sexy to me when I was 19. I wasn't attracted to him otherwise, though. I had considered online dating as early as my teens, but I had a false conception of it and thought it was extremely improbable to fall in love with someone you met online. It was only after reading Ruth's 'Whole' in my very early twenties that I became jealous of the protagonist and signed up at a disabled dating site. I didn't expect to find the love of my life there but I wanted to meet a few guys. Clicking at the profiles of those who had visited my dating profile, having been logged in for only an hour, I suddenly came across a man that seemed ridiculously suited for me. We messaged each other at the exact same time. He turned out to be even more gorgeous IRL. In his area, I often come across other wheelers. None of them is overly attractive to me, though. For someone as picky as me, chances are pretty slim to find a guy who is attractive to me and who also has a disability. That's why I could hardly believe that this guy, who soon became my bf, was for real.
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Post by BA on Oct 30, 2014 19:39:41 GMT -5
I am in the married to an AB club. I didn't even know the term 'dev' until I found this board in 2005, when I was already in my 30's. I knew I had an interest in disabled guys (as long as well maintained and physically proportioned) from the time I was in my tweens and hid it because I thought I was tainted and perverse in some way. I never considered dating a disabled guy initially, probably because I had never encountered any of 'datable' status and more likely because I was too embarrassed about my interest/secret to do so. Growing up in the 1970's, I had no access to any sort of information about human sexuality other than finding a condom in my Dad's dresser drawer. The only remotely disability related thing that I saw that gave me an 'inkling' were the personal ads placed in the back of 'rag' newspapers like The Enquirer and The Globe. I saw how many men were looking for women amputees and I thought 'well, maybe I am like this, but I am not a guy'. Obviously there was no way 'google' anything and certainly no way to know that there were other people like me.
I did have my 'day in the sun' and spent several years in a relationship with a PWD (and dated a few others after that). The first was the only one I brought home as he was the only one I had a long relationship with and the only one I loved deeply.
I never had the feeling that I wanted to exclusively date disabled guys, but I did know that overall I was more attracted physically to them. (Given twins, I would choose the para twin, lol).
Other than my husband knowing (told him after I'd been on this board for a few years), I am still in the closet. I am very private about things on the whole.
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Post by kivic on Oct 31, 2014 11:19:57 GMT -5
##devconfession## My biggest concern always was being "found out." I never told anyone when I would meet a wheeler online. I never introduced any to my friends, or family, until I thought it was going to turn into "something." To me, my big fear was not bringing home one wheeler, it was having to bring home a second wheeler. Or a third. My (now) husband was my first wheeler to bring home. We broke up 6 months after introducing him. I stopped pursuing wheelers after that, because I thought my opportunity was gone. I'd never be able to bring another wheeler bf home, and risk the questions. We got back together and married 5 yrs after that, so I did only end up bringing home one wheeler. Sad to say how relieved that made me. It wasn't until recently, finding pd, and finding acceptance of all of this, that I am no longer preparing myself to accept never being able to date another wheeler one day, if I am ever single again. It seems more devs than not limit themselves in how they live and express their devness, myself included. To pursue and have relationships with disabled guys and then to fear bringing home more than one wheeler in order to keep suspicion at bay, is a true testament to how much we keep this part of ourselves hidden away. At least you had the nerve and the self-awareness to know that you were attracted to DA guys even if you didn't know what a dev was and how you fit into being one.
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tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Oct 31, 2014 14:12:55 GMT -5
I was in no way ready to date disabled guys when I joined here. And that was after reading the message board for a couple of months and coming to terms with the fact that I was not the only person in the world to find guys with a physical disability attractive (big surprise) and that there was a word for it (huge shock). When I finally joined, I did that because I wanted contact with the women, not the guys, and for the first years, I never answered PMs by men or, god forbid, contacted someone myself. I needed years to get to the point where taking these feelings from the safe place within my head into my real life by actually dating disabled men became a real option for me - still scary, though.
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Post by orchid on Oct 31, 2014 16:17:09 GMT -5
Very interesting question Emma! I was actually discussing it with my bf cause we had actually messaged each other for a bit on PD years ago until we bumped each other again on okcupid. I was teasing him that we had lost so much time, and he said that I was probably not ready to date a guy with a disability. And he was write. It took me a lot of time from feeling out my attraction, to being certain I was attracted to men with disabilities, to be comfortable with that and to actually wish to pursue that. Ive been attracted to disability since before my teens but was only able to actually set up a dating profile to look for such a guy half a year ago. So loads of years. I think that for me personally it was important to take that time cause now I am certain of my choice. Interestingly, the realisation that I should be with a disabled guy came while I was in a long-term relationship with an AB guy. Not sure if it was that I had reached an age (24/5) which allowed me to better understand what i wanted or whether i realised that i would be missing out on something (and something important at that) but it just solidiified my decision to try it out.
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tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Oct 31, 2014 16:55:26 GMT -5
That is interesting, orchid, because the reasons why I needed so much time are different to yours. I always knew that I am more attracted to disabled men, although I am not "exclusive". I was always sure. My problem was becoming self-confident enough and comfortable with myself to let that part of me into my real life. If my current efforts will ever lead to a serious relationship remains to be seen..
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