Its not rude!?!?

[blueskye101]

www.npr.org/2015/05/25/408505821/its-not-rude-these-portraits-of-wounded-vets-are-meant-to-be-stared-at?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20150531&utm_campaign=mostemailed&utm_term=nprnews

These are some amazing pics and story. I'm not sure as dev's we don't stare enough but whats everyone's take on this idea of staring not rude but as a tribute to these guys; at least that's what i took from the story. Without getting into politics, It makes me so appalled the damage war does and I don't think we think about it enough. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be stared at but I do see his point. I know we have some vets so especially want to know how they feel. Anyway, he is an great photographer and glad he is doing something other than fashion.

[blueskye101]

Oh, gals forgot to say; there is another series he did called the Scar Project on breast cancer. I had seen before and pretty amazing. My sis went thru breast ca last year and it made her feel stronger to see how these women reacted and coped.

[Emma]

I listen to NPR daily but somehow in the shuffle of life missed this. Thanks for sharing.

I agree as a dev its hard to figure out what to do when you see someone interesting and or attractive but clearly injured. Even though my husband was injured in Iraq I struggle with this kind of stuff in real life when faced with regular people. It's easier if I'm in a situation where I can talk to the guy. Then I'm pretty good at acting friendly and normal. When it's encountering someone randomly in public, it's different, y ou don't have options. In those situations I usually make eye contact, smile and maybe say hi. It always feels incomplete but that's all I can do.

[MarineAmp]

I'm not sure what you want to hear from the vets. I personally hate being stared at. I had a kid at the zoo the other day just stop dead in his tracks staring at me and just say "whoa" like he just discovered boobs for the first time. Initially I didn't know if he was talking about my segway wheelchair or my lack of legs, but it soon became apparent he was checking out the freak show. His parents definitely noticed and I was happy to see them give him a fairly long lecture about how disrespectful that was.

I am not sure what the general public thinks of what an injured vet is suppose to look like, but not to be too disrespect to the scars thread that was created, besides someonerandom's pictures everything else was kind of laughable as far as scars go. Gun shot wounds are no joke obviously, but don't usually leave that impressive of a scar. Even with my amputations my scars aren't anything compared with others I have seen.

I don't condone staring, but anyone who wants to volunteer for this project has my respect.

[torpedro]

I feel that. I saw this project and thought it was brilliant. A kid or a group of kids staring at my me (99.9% of the time at my forearms/hands) in amazement sets off the "learning opportunity" lightbulb in my head. Once I start explaining what the braces are and why I wear them, it's been my experience that they zone-in to what I'm saying and most importantly, stop the childish BS. It sounds bad but in this context, I negotiate children's reactions to me like they are a feral animal: The more nervous and uncomfortable I am, the easier for them to sense my anxiety and take advantage of the opportunity. Confidence and a complete disregard for their reaction is the best defense; However, onset of injury, length of time in injury, congenital vs acquired etc etc. are also factors to consider how one handles this. That's a whole other chapter in itself!

[Deleted]

It's an admirable initiative and hats off to both the courageous models, as well as to the bold photographer. I hope this approach will effect a change in people's attitude toward war and veterans. Make them realize that these people's lives go on despite the steep price they payed. I am not certain that it will change anything regarding staring, though, as people will always be tempted to gawk at everything slightly different and I imagine that will always be rather unpleasant for the one who is being stared at.

While this specific project focuses on USA vets, I cannot help expand the topic to staring at a PWD in general, because it is something I personally have difficulties dealing with in real life.

Unless there is an inconspicuous prosthetic in play, amputations are something you quickly notice, and as I am primarily an amputee dev and my interest is piqued by such disabilities in an even stronger manner, I guess I feel naturally inclined to look more intently at the person. But being the shy and civil girl that I am, I hate the idea of making them uncomfortable, so I just do the opposite and end up apparently ignoring them, which I imagine is not pleasant either. For some reason, it is hard for me to just take the middle way (of glancing?), as I irrationally fear that even that will be too much, therefore rude.
And this goes for other disabilities as well, so not much wondering why my real life experience with PWD is so scarce.

However, it would be interesting to find out from our PD members when 'looking at' becomes 'staring', and what is that specific point when it becomes uncomfortable.
Is it different when it's pictures that are being started at? To what an extent do these specific photos make it ok?
How would a vet prefer to be approached about his disability, if at all?

P.S. I am sorry for possibly hijacking the topic or if this has been discussed in some other thread.

[rydstrom]

Having the bone deformities that I do I get stared at alot. I use it to educate kids and adults alike. It used to bother me but the past decade i've learned the psychology behind it. Having people look at me differently provides a great contrast once they meet me because I am far more "normal" than expected

[vancityippy]

Here is a great open letter written by a parent of a child with deformities. She would prefer that parents let their children stare and ask questions.
themighty.com/2015/01/to-the-mom-or-dad-who-told-their-child-not-to-stare-at-mine/

This parent, like some of you above, sees these moments as learning opportunities, moments where other children are open to getting to know her child...
This parent describes the moment that parents pull their child away and lecture them about "not staring" as the moment where her child becomes "off limits" to them...a moment where other kids learn to stay away from her.

My partner used to be embarrassed when people stared, even children.
After we read this letter together, his perspective changed and he gets into it now when kids...and even adults look.

[happyface2013]

Feb 16, 2016 12:36:12 GMT -5 vancityippy said:

Here is a great open letter written by a parent of a child with deformities. She would prefer that parents let their children stare and ask questions.
themighty.com/2015/01/to-the-mom-or-dad-who-told-their-child-not-to-stare-at-mine/

This parent, like some of you above, sees these moments as learning opportunities, moments where other children are open to getting to know her child...
This parent describes the moment that parents pull their child away and lecture them about "not staring" as the moment where her child becomes "off limits" to them...a moment where other kids learn to stay away from her.

My partner used to be embarrassed when people stared, even children.
After we read this letter together, his perspective changed and he gets into it now when kids...and even adults look.

I have to respectfully disagree with both you and her.  The parents are right to teach their kids not to stare, albeit by trying to educated them.  But staring is not okay.  Some disabled people will not go outside because of it.  I am not one of those people.  I don't blame the kids but the parents should tell them its not appropriate.  That's part of rearing kids explaining that people are different etc.  I'm not saying they should be punished just gently talked to.

[vancityippy]

Feb 17, 2016 16:33:31 GMT -5 tc123 said:

Feb 16, 2016 15:05:44 GMT -5 happyface2013 said:

I have to respectfully disagree with both you and her.  The parents are right to teach their kids not to stare, albeit by trying to educated them.  But staring is not okay.  Some disabled people will not go outside because of it.  I am not one of those people.  I don't blame the kids but the parents should tell them its not appropriate.  That's part of rearing kids explaining that people are different etc.  I'm not saying they should be punished just gently talked to.

Personally, I think the two situations are different. This article is written by a mother of a young child. She wants her child to be able to interact with other children, and part of a normal interaction as a child is to have curious children ask you a bunch of questions. The mom in this article is only saying- Please notice my child! She is only asking people to not yank their child away from her child because kids will be naturally curious, and she wants her child to have those interactions.

IMO, this is different than "allowing" people to stare at other people, and I think it's different with kids than it is with adults. Adults don't necessarily need this experience, and don't necessarily feel like answering a bunch of questions from a random kid in the grocery store. Also, the adult with the disability can make it clear that they want to engage with the nosey kid/adult or not. I would think a parent should be able to read a person enough to know if their kids' staring/questions/nosiness is welcomed or not. 

Maybe if more kids were around other kids with disabilities, they wouldn't be as shocked to see an adult with a disability out in the wild.

I can agree with all perspectives, really.

It depends on the situation and what is behind the "starers" staring eyes.

Some kids are annoying and rude when they stare, others are adorable and their curiosity is sweet.

Some (most?) adults are dicks when they stare and some are genuinely...curious..

We have this friend (who'd dating a friend of mine. He's very smart and very, odd and we have a suspicion that he's on the autism spectrum) and he STARES at my partner if I'm helping him do anything! It's bizarre how blatantly he stares. He stops dead in his tracks, his mouth gapes open, his arms are flopped by his side, sway-backed with his tummy hanging out. (can you picture this?) He 35 years old.

Anyhow, as odd as it is, it doesn't bug me...I asked my partner if it bugs him and e said "No, cuz he stares in the same way a 4 year old does"

It's kinda the energy of the situation.

[harmonniousvision]

i love the Mighty so many great great articles a lot of ableistic BS too but it provokes thought. I think there's a learning opportunity for a child. If i noticed my son staring at someone with a disability I would tell him its not polite to stare but i understand you're learning and noticing that Every person is different some people have bodies and brains that look and work differently from yours but they're still people. I wouldn't encourage my child to ask questions or anything of that person unless invited to by that person. I hope I can teach him to just be kind and accepting of all people. My daughter is autistic and someday we may get stared at because of her behavior... Whatever... I hope i can handle it gracefully and respond to any questions or even rude comments politely without getting all Momma bear on them. Because of my daughter's diagnosis my kids go to respite care one a week which is basically like a playgroup that lasts for 3 hours. While there they are exposed to children with many different abilities and i LOVE that. I love that my son who is neurotypical is getting to interact and make friends with and learn to see kids with varied disabilities as just other kids. I think and hope it will serve him greatly in life and help him be mindful about how he treats people.