Always The Quiet One: The Memoirs of a Grasshopper

[newjess]

More please

[rebel6842]

You're doing well, man-keep it going

[hedgehog]

In the immortal words of Oliver Twist, "please Sir, I want some more"...

[rebel6842]

Aug 14, 2016 10:39:40 GMT -5 Hopper said:

OK, this isn't a chapter such, more of a musing in which I answer the question 'How Does It Feel When Someone Has A Crush On You?'


Within the past year or so as I've been more socially active , I've had a few girls from here (not here as in PD, OK, there's been one or two ) and there confess their crushes on me.

To be honest, it's a very hard thing to contemplate at first for someone who didn't really consider themselves attractive at all, in fact, quite the opposite. The photospamming on here was more making light of the fact that I look like a typical geek than anything attractive, either that or a serial killer, or both!

But over that short while, something changed, and I saw things an qualities of myself that I hadn't been aware of. I was being referred to as 'cute', 'pretty' and 'handsome', terms that at the time were thought to be relevant to me like being referred to as Blonde , Canadian or Latka Gravas. Also personality traits, interests and hobbies that I try to hide or think little of were coming into the forefront and gave me a new, refreshing lease of life and made me feel happier than I ever had.

Knowing that someone is attracted to you, knowing that someone wants to spend time with you and that they value you in mind, body and soul is one of the best feelings in the world.

So, in short, feels pretty damn good to me.

Congrats, mate-the seed has been planted in their heads (whoever they are) Now, go make it happen...

[Hopper]

"Hello...(hello, hello) Is There Anybody IN there?"

I often look back on my time here and think-.....

And that's the problem, thinking can be dangerous.

"I think, therefore I am" yes it's a cliche but it's one of the truest ones out there.

Especially for someone like me who has something of a monkey on his back or in this case, in his head. A cymbal banging monkey who just plays over and over and over again.

This Monkey comes in the form of a little voice, kind of like an internal monologue. A little voice that looks at everything I do, read see or hear and chides me for it. It does not want me to be happy. It does not want me to socialise either 'outside' or on here, it doesn't want me to move forward. It gets something out of making me look back on every friendship/achievement/ good experience I've had and points out how stupid I was (or at least how stupid IT thinks I was) for considering those things to ever have been positive.

Hence why for example I deleted all my previous posts in this thread and deleted any posts I made yesterday, so I apologise to everyone who has posted in this thread thus far.

At the time the voice was saying "No one really likes you here you know, they were just being nice. So there's just no point in trying, you've endeared yourself to no-one, you've tried too hard and you're paying for it now by making others look silly, happy now? No? Good, my work is done

Oh and remember when you liked listening to The Coral and Elliott Smith because they reminded you of how good 2014-'15 were for you? Yeah, now they'll only bring about how you've now lost the people who you bonded with over them years later, they hate you, always have and you'll never talk to you again so there. Just you wait, I'll be after Queen next."

And that's just a mild example of what it says, it's slowly turning me against everything and everyone, that's why it's so important for me to write this now, to talk about how I'm feeling and what I deal with every day.

"They were just being nice" That kept playing in my head yesterday, and there's one incident that re-enforces that thought, but can also turn it into a positive.

When I first started College, studying Forensic Science (hard to believe it was almost 10 years ago) I was 16, socially inept and very eager to fit in and make as many friends as possible, so like the little tic I was I latched myself onto the nearest group. They talked to me, back then that was enough for me to have made it.

And the coolest thing at that time was that they didn't care about my CP, as I was really self conscious about it at the time that felt great. Turns out they did, just not to my face...

I was literally slowing them down, in turns out. I found out when I glanced at a computer screen that's been left on. They'd been bitching about me for weeks on facebook, how I slowed them down, how I was an embarrassment, that sort of thing.

I was heartbroken, people whom I'd considered to be friends being so personal about something I couldn't control really knocked me for 6. It was the first time I'd ever felt like a burden to people and the first of many times to come that I questioned my friendships, never really being sure whether people were genuine or just being nice. Even today I struggle with that and I struggle with trust too because of it.


So what's the positive of that story? Well I didn't speak to anyone on the course after that (not until my 2nd year where I gained some real friends until we sadly fell out of touch) and doing so I was able to focus all the anger, confusion and everything else I felt into my work, which I got top marks for.


I think being able to channel all the negative feelings and thoughts I have into something positive is the way forward for me, it's how I've managed to make it this far writing this post which was difficult to even consider let alone do.


But if someone learns something from it or gets a sense of familiarity about it then that's all I'm after.

All in all, resurrecting this corpse of a thread has been therapeutic in a sense, so I think I'll do it more often.

[Deleted]

So I didn't see any of the previous posts in here but I think it is nice you're resurrecting the thread again.
First off, your writing is very good, you seem like a smart and genuine guy. You have been around on PD for a while and are an active participant and I usually like your comments or opinions on things. You are witty and I have never seen you mean or rude on here.

I do think about the regular people here on PD, the one's who have been here, who keep coming almost every day to check in or write something, and you're one of the people who is always around. To me you're one of those familiar people I like seeing here, where I think "Oh, Hopper wrote this or that" and I always read your comments and find them entertaining or I nod my head.

And I also think about how for some people I wish they would find that special someone, and you're also one of those people.

I think PD is something different for each and everyone of us but it is probably a very important place for most who have been around for some time. Sometimes it hurts to be here and other times I feel like laughing and it feels like we are sitting at a large table with all those different characters sometimes clashing and sometimes in sweet harmony. And I imagine it to be quite interesting. We are all so different but there is something unique that connects us and it makes us special.

Anyways, stick around Hopper and I think you are a well liked and respected participant here. Wishing you all the best!

[shape]

Listen to Dani, Hopper. Stick here.

I've been offline for a while so I don't know what you posted and deleted, but guess what! I kinda feel a lot like you, with that voice in my mind... It's so hard when you treat yourself that way, right? But I know whatever we say can't help there, as sooner or later that voice is going to spoil the message.

Just keep going. You're smart, witty, caring...

[blindlover]

Hi man,

I am just a newbie here, and except for some kind and witty posts I came across in the last few days, I don't know you at all. Hell, I don't even know what your disability is. Yet , the feeling you described resonates in me deeply , al the way up to the darkest corners of my mind.

I felt it when I was four years old, when kids laughed at me because I couldn't see what they were doing. I felt it during my school time , where one year of exclusion followed another, where people helped me because they were asked to and where the layer of being nice was so tin, that lies about me were spread around, even when I couldhear them. I felt it when I realised I would gradually lose my hearing to and I was absolutely certain I would stay alone for the rest of my life. Who would want to care for such a burden of society after all, let alone love a person like that?

It took me years to realise that this was not all there is to the world and humanity, but as time passed, I started to notice things that were not in accordance with this view of myself and the world. I found myself talking to a random stranger that helped me while I was travelling by train, who willingly missed his connection to continue talking to me, even though there was no longer a need for him to help me. I found myself at a trance rave, one of the environments where I am least independent, because a fellow raver invited me, telling that it was a pleasure to have me around. I found myself in New York, a beautiful girl I just met guiding me more closely than was strictly necessary, smiling and laughing as we got lost in the city and time froze for a while.

Yes, I still hear that voice you described , always trying to convince me these situations were meaningless and the people, at best being nice. However, I think these little things people say or do that can not be anything but genuine, are powerful enough to render it speechless for a long while.

Again I am new here, and definitely not here for a to short amount of time to make any statements about the community or the people here, but up to now, I feel like this is a place that has as one of its core aims to make genuine human contact, for members with and without disability possible.

In any case , all this just to say that I feel you and I want you to know you are certainly not alone.

all the best man,

[Hopper]

Thanks to you all for your replies above, they mean a lot. I value each and every one of you on here, simply because of how unique we all are, and

Inspired by your kind words, I'd like to continue with that positive vibe by telling you guys about a friendship of mine that was the thing that kept me going through High School and College. Sure I had other friends during that time but well, I don't like to use the term 'best friend' (I don't like that term, seriously, the more you know, eh?) but he fits pretty close.

Let's call him George shall we?

Now usually I'd be saying something like "George and I first met during blah blah blah" but neither of us can remember how we first met.

Well, we can, but for a friendship that has lasted half our lives it's natural that we'd remember our first meeting. But both of us remember it differently.

My version: We get sat next to each other during Technology class and talk and talk and talk and talk about The Simpsons, he later gives me a mix CD of Simpsons Songs as a gift.

His version: We get sat next to each other during English class and we bond over a mutual love of Doctor Who, I give him some Doctor Who books as a gift.

Now both of these events happened, but it's the order of these events that confuses us.

Anyway, I'm going off track.

What's important and what's so positive about this friendship in particular is he was the first friend to have a different attitude towards my Cerebral Palsy that any other I'd made before then or even since. We laughed about it.

Not the illness itself but what it was doing to others around me, their attitudes were the funniest thing and we spent a lot our time just making fun of those who either made fun of it (not to their faces, they were bigger than us, well....me. G is a big lad) or simply went out of their way to be as 'inclusive' as possible. You know the type, those who were just being nice but to comical extremes like, really trying hard not to offend or upset me that it just gets awkward.

Later in life, a famous Thespian made it into the latter category when I met him at a convention, all LOUD (well, he couldn't help that I suppose) , slow and condescending and giving us plenty of ammunition thereafter to lampoon our encounter.

One of our favorite mutual running gags even today is for me to do something really mundane and for him to adopt the manner of an insufferable dogooder and spout endless praise and hyperbole (including an uncanny impersonation of said thespian) until we just collapse into giggles. 

See, with him laughing with me instead of at me or 'just being nice' was so, so refreshing and something I'm still very grateful for. 

And I think that's been really important. Not only as something of a defence mechanism but it helped us really establish a very firm bond by finding the elephant in the room and riding on it's back.


To this day we've never fell out, never argued and never had a bad word to say about each other. 

But all the laughing and joking aside, he does care, he always has, he's always made sure I was comfortable and whenever I've fallen over when walking with him he's stepped back and let me get myself up in time rather than other people who'd be pulling at me as soon as I go down. 

What I value the most is that he's just done it, never made a show of it like others would have it just came naturally to him and that attitude is what made such a difference.

There are a lot of stories I could tell about our adventures, heck I could write a book about our holidays together alone but I think I'll leave it there.

To end with a cliche, it's not what you do for someone but how you do it.

[Deleted]

We should always definitely laugh about ourselves and don't take ourselves too serious, even in the most painful and hardest moments

[Hopper]

So as I've been neglecting PD for a wee bit, thought it was time to come back and share another story.


This is another one featuring George and I, and is an example of how damn stubborn I can be sometimes.


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So we're in Cardiff, on one of our Holidays together and after a long day being dragged around on a George guided tour of Doctor Who filming locations, we walked back into the centre to grab something to eat.

We settled on a McDonalds, so we go to the nearest one and make our orders. I ordered a double quarter-pounder with cheese and a large milkshake and George ordered a not-as-big-as-it-should-be Mac and a coke.

Now as the hotel we were staying at had a lot of stairs and no lifts, I needed to keep one hand free for the handrail. So I poo-poohed the weird cupholder thingies that were provided and thought it'd we wise to put everything in the flimsy paper bag in order to keep a hand free.

Knowing the risks of such a careless endeavour, I made sure that the cups ere kept upright to prevent any leaks/spills that could occur, despite George's gentle protests and offers to carry something.

I was still smoking then so I lit up in a quiet area about a 5 minute walk from the hotel and as I was concerned about our meals getting cold rather quickly, I asked George to go ahead and take the meal up to our room. Being sensible, he took one cup out of the bag and held it in his free hand. I jokingly rolled my eyes and told him not to be so silly and put in back in, as it'd save him the trouble. So he did.

After my fag, I made my way back to the hotel, so looking forward to the meal that at the time, I didn't take too much notice of the suspicious looking food debris and discarded paper near the entrance. I remember thinking "people will waste anything these days".

When I entered the room, I saw George trying to hide his laughter behind his burger.

"All right, where have you hidden my food?"

"It's not hidden, I thought you would've noticed it by now."

"Where?"

"Check your boots"

A smushed piece of beef patty told me all I needed to know, my quarter pounder had become a casualty of my stubbornness and Georgie being kind as always handed me half his burger and my surviving fries and my strawberry flavoured petard of a milkshake.

I said nothing, trying to hide a guilty smile, having learnt that as cumbersome and as silly as these things look, they are there for a reason.

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[Deleted]

So I read it twice but I actually didn't understand what had happened...Did he drop the bag or what happened?

[Hopper]

The drinks, which were meant to be placed in the cupholder thingies, were placed in the bag, the bag got wet due to leakage and some of the food fell out.

[Dav_4_Dev_UK]

Aug 26, 2018 8:45:41 GMT -5 Hopper said:

"Hello...(hello, hello) Is There Anybody IN there?"

Especially for someone like me who has something of a monkey on his back or in this case, in his head. A cymbal banging monkey who just plays over and over and over again.

It's interesting that you should say that it feels like you have a monkey in your head.  I read a book a while ago called The Chimp Paradox which basically describes how you feel, about how we all have little (or big) voices in our head telling us to not do things, to be scared of things, to stay inside of our comfort zones etc.  The author calls that voice his chimp, as in he has this little monkey-like creature in his brain telling him things that, at best, aren't always the most useful things and at worst are quite harmful things.  It's a practical book, describing techniques to help you control that annoying guy in your head and stop him running (or ruining) your life for you.  You may find it interesting and/or useful. It's perhaps over long, as many of these books are; he could have got his message across in 50 pages rather than nearly 400 pages, but I guess he had to make it heavy to justify his fee! 

[Hopper]

Oct 19, 2018 13:03:34 GMT -5 Dav_4_Dev_UK said:

It's interesting that you should say that it feels like you have a monkey in your head.  I read a book a while ago called The Chimp Paradox which basically describes how you feel, about how we all have little (or big) voices in our head telling us to not do things, to be scared of things, to stay inside of our comfort zones etc.  The author calls that voice his chimp, as in he has this little monkey-like creature in his brain telling him things that, at best, aren't always the most useful things and at worst are quite harmful things.  It's a practical book, describing techniques to help you control that annoying guy in your head and stop him running (or ruining) your life for you.  You may find it interesting and/or useful. It's perhaps over long, as many of these books are; he could have got his message across in 50 pages rather than nearly 400 pages, but I guess he had to make it heavy to justify his fee! 

Hi Dav!

Apologies for taking a ridiculously long time to reply to your post.

I appreciate ya bringing the book to my full attention.

I'm vaguely familiar with the book and at 400 pages, that'll suit me. I'm a quick reader so anything short ends too soon, it'll give me a chance to pore over the book and study it properly too.
I'm at a point now where I need something like this book more than I care to admit, so before I find a copy, are there any techniques you'd personally recommend?