Always The Quiet One: The Memoirs of a Grasshopper

[Hopper]

                                                                   

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There was period in recent times that for some reason, I didn't want to talk about my disability on here anymore, or really be as open as I was, other than wallowing in self pity and cheap self-deprecation. I considered my experiences as a PWD to be boring compared to the experiences and stories others have/had on here and that was a mistake and a half.

Why?

Because as we all know, each PWD and Dev on here has a story to tell and a unique insight that at least one member can learn and take something from, no matter how small.

And by avoiding doing that, I found myself wondering why I was still here, dipping my toe in the shallow end.

So, I've decided to bump this thread with the purpose of giving more insight into what I experience as a PWD and this time, not being afraid to do so because I'm 'too mild' or it's 'too mundane a topic'.

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                                                                                     Boots, Boots, Boots!

Leather and laces, to me  are the mark of the perfect boot.

Boots are easier to walk in for me due to the ankle support they provide and are far more durable than canvas and they suit me more than trainers/sneakers. Being as I'm prone to scuffing and I walk a lot, it's important that the souls are hard and have a good design. A flat shoe is more sensible sure, but trying to walk heel toe with no heel looks odd and I find myself picking up more momentum when walking heel first. Besides going toe first is just inviting trouble as the front of the sole wears too thin.

I have smarter shoes for formal occasions and canvas ones for the summer, worn with an ankle brace but honestly? Though they give off the right look I feel neither safe more comfortable. Slip ons save the fiddliness of laces but putting my left foot in one is painful, even those you can stretch a little. And Velcro just doesn't seem right. Laces are a challenge but a fun one. The worst part of laces is doing them too tight and not being able to remove the shoe. There have been times where I've been too tired to try taking the left boot (always the left) off and have slept in it before tackling the lace gently with a staple remover in the morning (seriously). 


Having laces hang too loose is also a bad thing, especially as this can wear out aglets fairly quick and if an aglet is lost, then it's harder to get a good grip on the lace when tying them. When putting them on, sitting is preferable but standing is doable with the support of a wall to lean on.

Unfortunatly summer is coming, so the dreaded Canvas shoe will have to be worn again, quite a few pairs too probably. 

Having my left foot face inwards whilst walking cases balance to be affected naturally but even so, going heel first is the still best way to go.

Right, I think I've got enough mileage out of that, and at the moment I've no other topic on my mind to follow that up with.

[Hopper]

God, I hate this thread title!

I've decided to write in here again, simply as an outlet for everything I feel I'm bottling up. Plus I rather enjoy the opportunity to ponder.

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Working in an office with opened minded people has been a blessing. Not only has it been good to work in a place where I am a colleague first and a PWD second whereas before I was very much a diversity hire, but it's been a mutual learning experience.

I say mutual because through them I've learnt just how unhealthy my own attitude has been as of late, and yet I never realised why. Overconfidence as a PWD  is a dangerous thing, as is always being on our guard.  Constant self-deprecation isn't as charming or witty as I thought it was, neither was the constant attempts t 'prove' something of myself, or to ignore my own limits and push myself so far past them that  it becomes/came a worry. 

For years I've been lying to myself about just how comfortable I am with my disability. Sure, I can laugh about it, make jokes about it (at both a comfortable and painful level) and carry this air of self confidence around like a mask, but I've figured out that by doing so, I'm not helping myself.

If I wasn't turning myself into a limping punchline, I was hurting myself (and others, something which is easy to forget when you're so wrapped in yourself) by playing the cocksure, invincible hero who was subconsciously  draining himself physically and mentally everyday in a misguided attempt to be respected by those he barely knew and who barely knew him.

Of course, if you look at yourself through the eyes of others, then you can often see where you've been going wrong, but that's not a bad thing. After all, we're always learning. And it's not such a bad thing to be open to your own self criticism either as long as it doesn't become a habit and that you can learn from it.

I certainly have. Don't get this post wrong.

 I'm happy. I'm happy with all the progress I've made in the last few years, from a lazy, directionless slacker still living with his parents to someone who is happy to finally have a roof over his head and a career.

I'll say it again because I don't say it enough. 

I'm happy.