A Cell Phone, Some Pain Pills, and a Caregiver's Woes
Aug 2, 2016 15:28:52 GMT -5
Emma, Green, and 7 more like this
Post by Paradise on Aug 2, 2016 15:28:52 GMT -5
The following short story is based on true events. This piece was inspired by the thread “I think one of my helpers is into me…”
Bill was a 28-year-old man living with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy. His caregiver, "Kristy" (an alias to protect her identity), spent hours upon hours with him each and every day. It was rare that she took a day off. There was a bed and sitting area inside Bill's room so that Kristy could attend to his needs while also having a place to sit, read magazines, or watch TV. The sitting area didn't afford much privacy - there was no room in the already-full house to set up a guest bedroom for caregivers. So, Bill and Kristy spent hours together in that little room - he in his specialized bed and she in the sitting area right next to him.
Kristy wasn't the only caregiver; there were others who drifted in and out of his life at the time. Some lasted a few weeks; some never showed up for the first day of work. That's just the way it goes. But Kristy - Kristy stayed for years.
It's not hard to fathom, then, that the relationship between Kristy and Bill began to evolve from a caregiver/client arrangement to a closer, more intimate pact. After all, they spent hours together, talked about a variety of subjects, watched seasons of television shows on Netflix together, and aired grievances and complaints about family members to one another.
Both Kristy and Bill began to verbalize their growing feelings, and they found that they shared those mutual feelings for each other. It was an exciting prospect, especially for Bill, who longed to be touched by someone who wasn't wearing latex gloves, someone who didn't avert their eyes as they lifted blankets away from his lower body. Who better to love than Kristy? Kristy had seen it all; she cared for his every need. She wasn't embarrassed or ashamed to see Bill in his true form, and Bill knew he already loved her. It seemed like the perfect arrangement.
There was only one problem. Kristy was married. And her husband knew nothing of her growing feelings for Bill.
Nevertheless, they began to push forward. Bill was so happy that he had finally "found someone to love," that he began buying things. A lot of things. All for Kristy. Clothes, jewelry, new books and videos. He bought for her niece and nephew, too. New packages arrived every day, and Bill's parents became wary and bombarded him with criticism. "You need to slow down," they told him. "This isn't right. She's married. She's taking advantage of you."
Bill pressed on. Kristy came every day. But, he waited and waited for that first kiss. He waited for that gentle touch from the woman he'd spent years growing to love. It never came. Kristy wasn't comfortable with it yet, she said. She needed to tell her husband first, she insisted. But she never did.
One day, Kristy told Bill she needed a new phone. She didn't have enough on her paycheck to take care of it, she told him. Bill added a line to his wireless account, and arranged for the phone to be sent to his home immediately. He had had to sign up for another 2-year contract with the wireless company, but that was no matter. His girl needed it, and it was something he could do for her. Kristy swore she'd pay him every month. Months came and went, but it was always some crisis that prevented her from paying Bill for the monthly phone service - her car had broken down, the water heater needed repairing, she had an ill grandmother in Ohio who needed one last visit. Bill's monthly pay from the government took a slight hit with every passing phone bill, but he told himself it was all for Kristy, the only one who really loved him.
Then came the headaches. Terrible headaches, Kristy said. So blindingly painful that she couldn't even do her job when she was with Bill. She'd sit on the couch and whimper and point to the locked safe where his narcotic pain medication was stored. The strong stuff, used only for when his bones and joints throbbed mercilessly in their recent rebellion against him, now that the muscles were gone.
"Can I have one?" Kristy asked. "Please?"
"Uh, sure, I guess," answered Bill uncertainly. He gave her the combination to the safe, and she took a pill from the bottle.
Near the end of the month, close to the time of his medication refill, Bill asked his brother for a narcotic pain pill from the safe. He was having a lot of pain that day, and he yearned for the cyclic waves of warmth that would rush over him once the pill was crushed and injected into his line.
"Dude, you don't have any left," mumbled his brother, with his head in the safe.
"How can that be?" asked Bill. But the sinking feeling in his stomach told him everything he needed to know. It was Kristy.
He tried to overlook the pill shortages every month. He reasoned that Kristy needed them more than he did, so that she could care for him without pain. He loved her, and again, it was something he could do for her, something his body couldn't provide in the form of a hug or a back rub. "She can have my pills," he thought. "I'll be okay."
More time passed, and miraculously, unexpectedly, someone new had tip-toed into his life. It was a chance meeting, and neither Bill nor this new lady friend had expected it. There was a spark right away - a chance at something new. This lady seemed to like Bill for HIM. She didn't see the tubes or the ventilator or even the white hospital pads that were always getting wrinkled up underneath him as he lay still and watched the world from a single window in his room. This new lady even kissed him, a REAL kiss, on their very first meeting. He had his family cook jumbo-sized platters of food in an effort to convince her to stay that night, but when she declined the offer and walked out of his room, smiling back at him, he was still left with that tingly, electric feeling. And she came back for him! She came back again and again.
Kristy grew jealous immediately. There had never been a woman in Bill's life, none except for her. This new woman was attractive and kind, and she touched Bill and kissed him and didn't ask for material gifts. Kristy grew so angry that she started missing work days, here and there. She texted Bill furiously and told him the new woman was no good for him. She told him she wouldn't show up as long as the new woman was there, sitting next to Bill, reading aloud to him from books that no one had ever opened before. But, she worked for a nursing agency, and her job and likelihood would have been in jeopardy if she didn't clock in at Bill's house, so she begrudgingly arrived... late, red-faced, and eyes narrowed at the new woman, every single time.
Bill pleaded with Kristy to understand. He cried and begged her to accept the new woman into her life. Kristy's presence in Bill's life was so potent and all-encompassing; their stories had intertwined for years and she'd always been there for Bill. He didn't want to do anything that would make her leave him. But he couldn't deny his love for this other woman; he had longed for it for so many lonely nights. She was here, in the flesh, giving him things he'd only ever dreamed of, and he didn't want it to stop.
Eventually, Kristy softened. Her greetings to the new woman were less gruff, and she began including the new woman’s coffee order when she'd go out for coffee drinks for the three of them. She wasn't friendly, but she managed a facade of feigned amusement, at the very least.
Kristy began to teach the woman. She taught her how to turn Bill every 2 hours, how to suction his mouth and later, his trachea, how to anchor his breathing tubes with handmade bean bags to keep it in place. She taught her how to use the cough assist machine and how to replace his trach tube. The woman was a swift learner, and good at what she did, but Kristy remained jealous.
No longer was Kristy receiving gifts. No longer did she have all the passwords to Bill's Netflix and Amazon accounts. Soon, even the code to the safe had been changed. It was Bill who had asked the new woman to change it. "Make it the day that you met me - 6/15/13." And so that is what the code was to be.
Kristy didn't like the changes. She continued to insist that Bill had changed for the worse, ever since meeting the new woman. She accused him of ignoring her, and dismissing their years-long friendship as if it had never happened. It wasn't true, Bill insisted. He still loved her, but he had discovered so many new feelings with this woman, that he simply HAD to explore them.
The nursing agency called Bill one day. There had been some trouble. They had received a call from a very upset woman who had spilled the beans about Bill buying a phone for Kristy. It was against the rules; it was crossing a line and Kristy could lose her job if it was true. Apparently there had been some scuffle in Kristy's home life; she'd upset a family member and the woman called the nursing agency to report all of Kristy's unethical actions.
Faced with losing Kristy forever, Bill had to think quickly. "Can you pretend to be the angry woman?" he asked of his new girlfriend. "Text the nursing agency and explain it was all a mistake. You didn't mean it. Please, save Kristy's job and do this for me."
His girlfriend wasn't sure. She didn't want to lie. But, being new to the situation and still trying to prove herself to Kristy and Bill, she wrote the text and sent it off. It was sufficient to release Kristy from the accusations. Once again, Kristy's job was secure.
The good times were astoundingly good. Bill and his new girlfriend rode the wave of the highest high that only real love can create. But then, they started to come down. Things began to change. Bill pushed for more and more. More time with her, more commitment. He wanted to marry this girl. He wanted to have babies with her. But it just wasn't meant to be. The new woman, his girlfriend, felt threatened by his insistence. She was smothered by the ultimatums. It weighed heavily on her, knowing that she was HIS happiness and without it, he had nothing. Or, so he said.
Kristy watched from the shadows. She waited in the background as Bill's new relationship slowly fell apart. All too eager to regain her position in his heart, she offered to meet with the girlfriend to retrieve all of the gifts Bill had given her. Bill wanted the gifts back, if his girlfriend wasn't going to choose a lifelong commitment to him. He was heartbroken and bitter, but he never stopped loving her, not even when she stopped taking his calls. It had been so wonderful, and so awful, their togetherness doomed from the start.
The months crawled by at a snail's pace. Bill wanted his girl back so badly, just wanted her to run her fingers lightly across his forearm like she did, or kiss his lips so softly, or do all the other things she did to him behind that closed door. But she was gone, and he had to accept it. Kristy was there for him; she wiped his tears and told him the girl never loved him, that she had been using him to feed her ego, to gain attention for herself. It wasn't true, but it was hard to imagine it any other way. Why had she left him? He had loved her so passionately. His body wasn't strong but his love for her had been equal to the strength of a thousand galloping horses. Now he was weak, in body AND heart. She had weakened what little strength he had left. He was never the same, not ever again.
The girlfriend silently watched as the insults began to spew from his written words, online, on social media, everywhere he could think of. He wanted to hurt her like she had hurt him. The things she read incited a rage in her that she'd never felt before - LIAR! He was a liar and none of that was true! She wanted so badly to stand up for herself, but inside, she knew he was hurting and that it was better to let him have his outlet, have his friends and family rally around him and slander her for being ungrateful, a user, a sexual fetishist. She watched, and waited, her heart broken too. It broke FOR him. She wanted to reach out to him and tell him it would be alright, but so many things had been said. The situation was difficult at best. She stayed away.
It was Kristy who called her, one beautiful April morning. The sun was a golden pendant in the sky; the birds sang a chorus that rivaled the heavens. But that phone call - there were tears; Kristy was unintelligible. The woman Bill loved could hardly make out the words she was hearing on the line: "He's gone. He's gone. He would've wanted me to tell you."
"Oh, Kristy," she said, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry." She knew Kristy had loved him too, yes, despite the cell phone debacle and the days filled with jealousy and the trouble with pills, Kristy DID love Bill. There was nothing the woman could say to Kristy. Her pain was untouchable; she was swimming at the bottom of an abyss.
"Thank you, Kristy," the woman said. "And thank you for loving him the way you did."
That April morning in 2014 was still so breath-takingly beautiful, but the joyous refrains from the birds had quieted. The sun still shone, its rays a brilliant neon yellow, so the woman didn't understand why she felt raindrops on the skin of her legs as she sat on a park bench, reeling from what she'd just heard. More raindrops dotted her thighs and she looked up to the sky, searching for grayness and finding only light. The raindrops, it turns out, were her OWN solemn tears, trailing silently down her cheeks. Ever-so-softly, the tears tumbled down and spilled onto her lap. She took out a photograph, folded and tattered, from her pocket. The two of them, her next to him, their faces shining and eager, their eyes full of hope and promise. She stroked Bill's face, gently, as she had done so many times before. She whispered her secrets to him, and her heartfelt apology. Then she kissed him, folded the photograph, stood up, and wiped the tears. She had made him complete, if only for a little while, and he - he had changed her forever. She had given him strength when he was weak, and he had given her life when she had only existed. And today, she knew he was finally okay, and that this life was meant to be lived. And she was ready.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Updates:
Kristy is still married and is living with her husband and their adopted 3-year-old son.
The girlfriend in the story is me. I never forgot Bill, and it’s always this time of year that I think of him the most.
I reached out to Kristy recently, and told her some of my thoughts, my regrets, my “I’m sorrys,” and asked how she was doing. She responded and thanked me for getting in touch. She misses Bill terribly and cries often for him. I do believe she loved him, and in another life, if she hadn’t been married, maybe it could’ve become more. She reinforced how much he had loved me, and she reminded me how I had broken his heart. That’s very hard to hear, three years later, but she was closest to him so I know it must be true.
Bill, if you’re reading this, wherever you are… you had the love of two. A caregiver and a girlfriend… they BOTH loved you.
A Cell Phone, Some Pain Pills, and a Caregiver’s Woes
Kristy wasn't the only caregiver; there were others who drifted in and out of his life at the time. Some lasted a few weeks; some never showed up for the first day of work. That's just the way it goes. But Kristy - Kristy stayed for years.
It's not hard to fathom, then, that the relationship between Kristy and Bill began to evolve from a caregiver/client arrangement to a closer, more intimate pact. After all, they spent hours together, talked about a variety of subjects, watched seasons of television shows on Netflix together, and aired grievances and complaints about family members to one another.
Both Kristy and Bill began to verbalize their growing feelings, and they found that they shared those mutual feelings for each other. It was an exciting prospect, especially for Bill, who longed to be touched by someone who wasn't wearing latex gloves, someone who didn't avert their eyes as they lifted blankets away from his lower body. Who better to love than Kristy? Kristy had seen it all; she cared for his every need. She wasn't embarrassed or ashamed to see Bill in his true form, and Bill knew he already loved her. It seemed like the perfect arrangement.
There was only one problem. Kristy was married. And her husband knew nothing of her growing feelings for Bill.
Nevertheless, they began to push forward. Bill was so happy that he had finally "found someone to love," that he began buying things. A lot of things. All for Kristy. Clothes, jewelry, new books and videos. He bought for her niece and nephew, too. New packages arrived every day, and Bill's parents became wary and bombarded him with criticism. "You need to slow down," they told him. "This isn't right. She's married. She's taking advantage of you."
Bill pressed on. Kristy came every day. But, he waited and waited for that first kiss. He waited for that gentle touch from the woman he'd spent years growing to love. It never came. Kristy wasn't comfortable with it yet, she said. She needed to tell her husband first, she insisted. But she never did.
One day, Kristy told Bill she needed a new phone. She didn't have enough on her paycheck to take care of it, she told him. Bill added a line to his wireless account, and arranged for the phone to be sent to his home immediately. He had had to sign up for another 2-year contract with the wireless company, but that was no matter. His girl needed it, and it was something he could do for her. Kristy swore she'd pay him every month. Months came and went, but it was always some crisis that prevented her from paying Bill for the monthly phone service - her car had broken down, the water heater needed repairing, she had an ill grandmother in Ohio who needed one last visit. Bill's monthly pay from the government took a slight hit with every passing phone bill, but he told himself it was all for Kristy, the only one who really loved him.
Then came the headaches. Terrible headaches, Kristy said. So blindingly painful that she couldn't even do her job when she was with Bill. She'd sit on the couch and whimper and point to the locked safe where his narcotic pain medication was stored. The strong stuff, used only for when his bones and joints throbbed mercilessly in their recent rebellion against him, now that the muscles were gone.
"Can I have one?" Kristy asked. "Please?"
"Uh, sure, I guess," answered Bill uncertainly. He gave her the combination to the safe, and she took a pill from the bottle.
Near the end of the month, close to the time of his medication refill, Bill asked his brother for a narcotic pain pill from the safe. He was having a lot of pain that day, and he yearned for the cyclic waves of warmth that would rush over him once the pill was crushed and injected into his line.
"Dude, you don't have any left," mumbled his brother, with his head in the safe.
"How can that be?" asked Bill. But the sinking feeling in his stomach told him everything he needed to know. It was Kristy.
He tried to overlook the pill shortages every month. He reasoned that Kristy needed them more than he did, so that she could care for him without pain. He loved her, and again, it was something he could do for her, something his body couldn't provide in the form of a hug or a back rub. "She can have my pills," he thought. "I'll be okay."
More time passed, and miraculously, unexpectedly, someone new had tip-toed into his life. It was a chance meeting, and neither Bill nor this new lady friend had expected it. There was a spark right away - a chance at something new. This lady seemed to like Bill for HIM. She didn't see the tubes or the ventilator or even the white hospital pads that were always getting wrinkled up underneath him as he lay still and watched the world from a single window in his room. This new lady even kissed him, a REAL kiss, on their very first meeting. He had his family cook jumbo-sized platters of food in an effort to convince her to stay that night, but when she declined the offer and walked out of his room, smiling back at him, he was still left with that tingly, electric feeling. And she came back for him! She came back again and again.
Kristy grew jealous immediately. There had never been a woman in Bill's life, none except for her. This new woman was attractive and kind, and she touched Bill and kissed him and didn't ask for material gifts. Kristy grew so angry that she started missing work days, here and there. She texted Bill furiously and told him the new woman was no good for him. She told him she wouldn't show up as long as the new woman was there, sitting next to Bill, reading aloud to him from books that no one had ever opened before. But, she worked for a nursing agency, and her job and likelihood would have been in jeopardy if she didn't clock in at Bill's house, so she begrudgingly arrived... late, red-faced, and eyes narrowed at the new woman, every single time.
Bill pleaded with Kristy to understand. He cried and begged her to accept the new woman into her life. Kristy's presence in Bill's life was so potent and all-encompassing; their stories had intertwined for years and she'd always been there for Bill. He didn't want to do anything that would make her leave him. But he couldn't deny his love for this other woman; he had longed for it for so many lonely nights. She was here, in the flesh, giving him things he'd only ever dreamed of, and he didn't want it to stop.
Eventually, Kristy softened. Her greetings to the new woman were less gruff, and she began including the new woman’s coffee order when she'd go out for coffee drinks for the three of them. She wasn't friendly, but she managed a facade of feigned amusement, at the very least.
Kristy began to teach the woman. She taught her how to turn Bill every 2 hours, how to suction his mouth and later, his trachea, how to anchor his breathing tubes with handmade bean bags to keep it in place. She taught her how to use the cough assist machine and how to replace his trach tube. The woman was a swift learner, and good at what she did, but Kristy remained jealous.
No longer was Kristy receiving gifts. No longer did she have all the passwords to Bill's Netflix and Amazon accounts. Soon, even the code to the safe had been changed. It was Bill who had asked the new woman to change it. "Make it the day that you met me - 6/15/13." And so that is what the code was to be.
Kristy didn't like the changes. She continued to insist that Bill had changed for the worse, ever since meeting the new woman. She accused him of ignoring her, and dismissing their years-long friendship as if it had never happened. It wasn't true, Bill insisted. He still loved her, but he had discovered so many new feelings with this woman, that he simply HAD to explore them.
The nursing agency called Bill one day. There had been some trouble. They had received a call from a very upset woman who had spilled the beans about Bill buying a phone for Kristy. It was against the rules; it was crossing a line and Kristy could lose her job if it was true. Apparently there had been some scuffle in Kristy's home life; she'd upset a family member and the woman called the nursing agency to report all of Kristy's unethical actions.
Faced with losing Kristy forever, Bill had to think quickly. "Can you pretend to be the angry woman?" he asked of his new girlfriend. "Text the nursing agency and explain it was all a mistake. You didn't mean it. Please, save Kristy's job and do this for me."
His girlfriend wasn't sure. She didn't want to lie. But, being new to the situation and still trying to prove herself to Kristy and Bill, she wrote the text and sent it off. It was sufficient to release Kristy from the accusations. Once again, Kristy's job was secure.
The good times were astoundingly good. Bill and his new girlfriend rode the wave of the highest high that only real love can create. But then, they started to come down. Things began to change. Bill pushed for more and more. More time with her, more commitment. He wanted to marry this girl. He wanted to have babies with her. But it just wasn't meant to be. The new woman, his girlfriend, felt threatened by his insistence. She was smothered by the ultimatums. It weighed heavily on her, knowing that she was HIS happiness and without it, he had nothing. Or, so he said.
Kristy watched from the shadows. She waited in the background as Bill's new relationship slowly fell apart. All too eager to regain her position in his heart, she offered to meet with the girlfriend to retrieve all of the gifts Bill had given her. Bill wanted the gifts back, if his girlfriend wasn't going to choose a lifelong commitment to him. He was heartbroken and bitter, but he never stopped loving her, not even when she stopped taking his calls. It had been so wonderful, and so awful, their togetherness doomed from the start.
The months crawled by at a snail's pace. Bill wanted his girl back so badly, just wanted her to run her fingers lightly across his forearm like she did, or kiss his lips so softly, or do all the other things she did to him behind that closed door. But she was gone, and he had to accept it. Kristy was there for him; she wiped his tears and told him the girl never loved him, that she had been using him to feed her ego, to gain attention for herself. It wasn't true, but it was hard to imagine it any other way. Why had she left him? He had loved her so passionately. His body wasn't strong but his love for her had been equal to the strength of a thousand galloping horses. Now he was weak, in body AND heart. She had weakened what little strength he had left. He was never the same, not ever again.
The girlfriend silently watched as the insults began to spew from his written words, online, on social media, everywhere he could think of. He wanted to hurt her like she had hurt him. The things she read incited a rage in her that she'd never felt before - LIAR! He was a liar and none of that was true! She wanted so badly to stand up for herself, but inside, she knew he was hurting and that it was better to let him have his outlet, have his friends and family rally around him and slander her for being ungrateful, a user, a sexual fetishist. She watched, and waited, her heart broken too. It broke FOR him. She wanted to reach out to him and tell him it would be alright, but so many things had been said. The situation was difficult at best. She stayed away.
It was Kristy who called her, one beautiful April morning. The sun was a golden pendant in the sky; the birds sang a chorus that rivaled the heavens. But that phone call - there were tears; Kristy was unintelligible. The woman Bill loved could hardly make out the words she was hearing on the line: "He's gone. He's gone. He would've wanted me to tell you."
"Oh, Kristy," she said, her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry." She knew Kristy had loved him too, yes, despite the cell phone debacle and the days filled with jealousy and the trouble with pills, Kristy DID love Bill. There was nothing the woman could say to Kristy. Her pain was untouchable; she was swimming at the bottom of an abyss.
"Thank you, Kristy," the woman said. "And thank you for loving him the way you did."
That April morning in 2014 was still so breath-takingly beautiful, but the joyous refrains from the birds had quieted. The sun still shone, its rays a brilliant neon yellow, so the woman didn't understand why she felt raindrops on the skin of her legs as she sat on a park bench, reeling from what she'd just heard. More raindrops dotted her thighs and she looked up to the sky, searching for grayness and finding only light. The raindrops, it turns out, were her OWN solemn tears, trailing silently down her cheeks. Ever-so-softly, the tears tumbled down and spilled onto her lap. She took out a photograph, folded and tattered, from her pocket. The two of them, her next to him, their faces shining and eager, their eyes full of hope and promise. She stroked Bill's face, gently, as she had done so many times before. She whispered her secrets to him, and her heartfelt apology. Then she kissed him, folded the photograph, stood up, and wiped the tears. She had made him complete, if only for a little while, and he - he had changed her forever. She had given him strength when he was weak, and he had given her life when she had only existed. And today, she knew he was finally okay, and that this life was meant to be lived. And she was ready.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Updates:
Kristy is still married and is living with her husband and their adopted 3-year-old son.
The girlfriend in the story is me. I never forgot Bill, and it’s always this time of year that I think of him the most.
I reached out to Kristy recently, and told her some of my thoughts, my regrets, my “I’m sorrys,” and asked how she was doing. She responded and thanked me for getting in touch. She misses Bill terribly and cries often for him. I do believe she loved him, and in another life, if she hadn’t been married, maybe it could’ve become more. She reinforced how much he had loved me, and she reminded me how I had broken his heart. That’s very hard to hear, three years later, but she was closest to him so I know it must be true.
Bill, if you’re reading this, wherever you are… you had the love of two. A caregiver and a girlfriend… they BOTH loved you.
