New dev, a million questions

[lilly]

New dev here with so many questions! I will preface this with if anyone wants to PM me I’d be more than happy to chat! I’m too new to message anyone yet or I’d reach out to you all directly.

I haven’t been able to get a good grasp on where my thoughts and desires have transpired from. Does anyone have any insight on this? I know everyone is different, but I wonder if it’s something I saw at some point or just a part of my personality type? Has anyone successfully traced anything back to a certain “thing”? I apologize if there’s already a thread on this, feel free to point me in the right direction. 

So many of these threads and posts have shown me I have a lot of commonality with so many of you. I see lots of different people and attractions on here and it’s fascinating! I’d love to pick anyone’s brains about their thoughts and experiences that would be open

[devogirl]

I feel very strongly about this! The short answer is that we don't know. Why are some people gay? We don't know that either. There's really so much about human sexuality that is still unknown. But kinks, fetishes, sexual orientations, whatever you want to call it, typically develop in early childhood and are pretty much hard wired. If you're interested in this topic, I recommend the book Perv by Jesse Bering. It really puts this question in context and shows how normal "unusual" sexual interests are.

Personally, for me it was very freeing to let this question go. Why does it matter? Straight people never ask themselves why they're straight.

[lilly]

devogirl great points! I guess I’m just in the confused and curious phase of my exploration. I want to let it go, but just wish I understood it all better. I believe it may just come with time but I’ll continue my search for knowledge. Thank you for the book recommendation, I will check that out! 

[devogirl]

It's ok! But I see so many dev women torturing themselves, asking "why am I like this?" There's no answer to that question. A better question to ask yourself is "how can I embrace being a dev?" "what kind of relationship do I want to have?" "what would make me feel happy and fulfilled as a dev?" The answers to these questions change over time, but IMHO it's better to focus on behavior and action than why.

You can also read Devo Diary if you want to see how I answered those questions for myself:
stories.paradevo.net/search/label/Devo%20Diary

[mona]

Hi lilly and welcome!

I feel you. I guess, we all do and have been where you're right now. I have been exploring this dev thing for three years now, luckily not fulltime though, and every time I thought I had THE answer, a moment later I realized, all I had was a tiny piece of something quite deep and complex.

I wish you patience. And I don't want to sound like a yoga guru, but it's all about acceptance and embracing this as a great chance to get to know yourself better.

I hope you can enjoy this journey! ❤

[Deleted]

Hey Lilly
I used to ask myself those things as well and not only because I wanted answers why I am a dev but also because the human psyche interests me in general. Why are people wired the way they are? What makes us tick?
I have no answer and I just recently wrote a comment in one of the threads in the general section where someone asks what a dev is.
I have learned other things about myself and it opened a lot of questions but in the end, there is no real good answer why I am the way I am.
Devs have a variety of experiences or triggers to go back to finding out they have certain feelings towards PWD. We all have stories to tell when we realized or how we realized but there is nothing black and white to explain it or a common denominator we can all agree on.
Our stories are so different due to life circumstances, cultural backgrounds, age, or the way we were raised, things or people that influenced our lives and so forth. Even though we are devs and we mostly "get it" what devs feel, we are all still very different.
But I totally understand your questions about being a dev and you are in a place where people can relate to what you are feeling and going through.
Embracing to be a dev is a good thing and the ultimate goal but it is not always easy, again referring to how different we all still are. Our journeys vary greatly.
You will be able to PM once you have ten posts btw.

[lilly]

Dani mona devogirl thank you all so much for your insight. You’ve all made such strong valid points. I’m happy I’ve been able to connect with people on this site, it’s been monumental in understanding what’s been swirling around in my head for so long. It’s so complex and you’re all so right that there is no “right answer” to any of it. Thank you again for your insight, understanding and for helping educate me. 

[ContingentlyComposite]

Hi Lilly!

I have a terrible memory for things like thread titles, but if you have the patience for digging through old threads there are quite a few that discuss the origins of devness (mostly in the "devs only" section). As said above, there's no real answer to the question, but I found those discussions of the topic interesting and helpful when I first joined PD anyway. Some folks think there are personality connections, others think that it has to do with a frightening experience involving disability at a very young age. I think the psychology of it is interesting even if there's no real conclusive answer to why exactly we are devs. If you have trouble finding the relevant threads let me know and I'll try to do some digging myself and link them for you. I joined earlier this year so they might stick out to me if I go back and look for them.

[robbb]

Hi lilly, and welcome,

As a gay guy dev I would echo what devogirl says about devoteeism being akin to sexuality. I really see no difference between what attracts me to men and what attracts me to paraplegics. They are both just part of who I am and what I am attracted to in the same way that I love broad shoulders or grey hair.

I think many of us remember a first exciting event but in my experience of talking to devs I would say that they are usually a realisation rather than a trigger. I don't believe there is ever a single specific trigger.

I would also agree with the comments about torturing yourself about why you are a dev, rather direct your energy into what it is that attracts you, understanding what that attraction means for you and what if anything you want to do with it.

The early stages of realisation are difficult but you are in the right place, you can speak openly and safely, and get all the support you might need.

Enjoy the forums and be happy.

R.