Coming out

[myrrh]

He was "generally being odd"? I'd probably be the same way if a friend told me I was his fetish, regardless of if he found me attractive or not.

Has he heard of devs before? I've never told a PWD about being a dev if they weren't already aware of what a dev was, and I knew they were ok with the concept. That would be a LOT to take in, a lot more than I'm looking for in a friendship unless we were very intimate friends.

[mili]

Who can say? Reactions are all so different, but if he really is acting differently, then the dev thing may (or may not) be in the back of his mind. He may be processing it. You didn't ask for advice but here I go anyway for whatever it's worth. Communicate. You can tell him what you've noticed and ask him how he feels about what you've disclosed, and if he has any questions. Anyway, congrats for "coming out". Good luck!

[lisa]

Over the years I told three PWD who I met offline that I am a dev. Online acquaintances usually know from the very start because I put it out on my profile.

Two of them reacted in a great way. They both knew about devs before, one of them very consciously, the other one just like "Yeah, I've heard about it at some point...". And both were very happy about it and asked me really good questions. For one of them I knew before that he is very sex-positive and he had spoken publicly about devs before, so I didn't need to worry too much (I still did, because it was the first time and yeah... I was a baby dev). The other one I chatted up on the street, so it was a bigger risk, but fortunately he liked what he heard ;-).

The third one was more like "I'm not interested in your quirks" and didn't want to hear it or talk about it at all. I doubt that he has heard negative stuff before, but I guess he wasn't really at peace with his disability and tried to push it away.

[Inkdevil]

You’d be surprised how many disabled guys have not heard the term, or are even aware there are such beings as devs. Even those who’ve been injured a long time and been around the block a few times.

Mostly I’ve had positive reactions over the years, but one guy I dated briefly was really not comfortable with it. He initially thought he was, but he became increasingly fixated with the concept of being ‘just another Wheeler’. Nothing I could say to him could persuade him otherwise.

I was so lucky that the first disabled guy I came out to was amazingly accepting, supportive and happy about my ‘thing’. I wonder if I’d have pushed my feelings back deep inside if I’d been made to feel like a freak? We are still good friends now, 6 years on. He knows he can tell me anything disability related and I won’t bat and eyelid.

I don’t really bother telling people now, but that first disclosure was such a relief.

[koala]

I have never "come out" to anyone...not even either of my husbands. Actually, I never even considered it until finding this community. You all are the first and only people to know my best-kept, life-long secret. I always thought it was too personal/strange/misunderstood of a thing to think that I could realistically expect another person to accept it or try to understand it. Even now, I don't know that I would ever want to broach the subject with a future significant other.

For those of you who have told someone other than this group, what made you decide to do it? How did you choose who to tell and who not to tell? Do you ever regret it, or was it a liberating experience? I'm very curious about the motivations and outcomes related to having THE conversation.

[lilly]

I’ve stressed so hard about the idea of “coming out” to the people in my life. But the guy I’ve been seeing I met on a dating app and he was just so nice and easygoing from the beginning. I “came out” to him very quickly. It felt like it was the right thing to do because I knew that my devness would be driving a lot of my “intentions”. I wanted to start off from an open and honest place with him because it was something I didn’t open up with to someone previously and I regretted it. Honestly it was the best thing I’ve done in a long time. He was apprehensive at first, but he warmed up very quickly once we talked about it. We’re very compatible in many ways, and I trust him more than I’ve trusted any guy I’ve ever been with.

Coming out to someone IRL has been extremely liberating and has been one of the biggest things that’s helped me come very close to a place of self acceptance. However, I got very lucky with the person I came out to. If he hadn’t been so open minded and super sex positive it would have been a much different experience.

I don’t know that if I end up with an AB guy that I’d tell him. I also don’t believe I’ll ever tell my family and friends. But I do think that based on my experiences it would be something I would share 100% of the time if I ever pursued another pwd in the future.

[lisa]

May 13, 2021 17:36:02 GMT -5 koala said:

For those of you who have told someone other than this group, what made you decide to do it? How did you choose who to tell and who not to tell? Do you ever regret it, or was it a liberating experience? I'm very curious about the motivations and outcomes related to having THE conversation.

Besides the three PWD I told (see post above), I told some AB people in my life about being a dev. Initially I exclusively told people about who I knew before that they were generally sexually very open-minded and accepting, weren't very very close to me (so it wouldn't be so hard to lose them if they hated me afterwards) and had some unusual sexual interests of their own. Especially this last part gave me some sense of confidence. The first ever person I told about my devnes IRL was a girl I knew from university. She is a lesbian and we did talk about this for a while, so I felt more secure to tell her about the devness. It was a great experience, because we also found some similarities in the process of self-acceptance and coming out between devness and homosexuality.

How I decide who I tell about my devness: Most of my closer friends nowadays know about it. But there are some who don't and there is a reason for it. I still only tell people when I know that they are generally tolerant about alternative lifestyles. This is the case for most of my friends, but not for all. Those who are quick to judge and generally prone to socially acceptable choices, I don't tell. It's hard at times, because dating a PWD means that they still might get the idea. But as long as they don't ask, I don't volunteer the information.

While most of the coming outs went well, I had a disastrous one with my parents. I thought they would be accepting, but they weren't. To be honest, the thought of it still haunts me today, and it's been nine years. Most devs on here state that they wouldn't come out to their family and I get it. But dating a guy long-distance who has a severe disability is very strange and I thought I could explain stuff this way. Instead I facilitated the final break in my relationship with them that never stopped to tear us apart.

But, most dev coming out experiences that I read on here over the years are quite positive and I had very positive ones myself. So, with some caution and if you feel confident about being a dev and think that you won't get very hurt if they aren't super supportive (that's important), go for it.

Edited to add: I didn't answer the question what made me decide to tell anyone at all. Beside the necessity because of "strange" dating behaviour, I feel more at peace with myself when I can live "out" as a dev. I won't have to think of strange explanations why I know so much about disabilities (you'd think the topic doesn't even come up so often, but turns out it does, at least for me ;-)) or why the people I get to know on the internet are all disabled or why I'm interested in the disability rights movement. And for the people I dated, I thought it would be unfair if they didn't know this part about me (ABs and PWDs alike), because it has a very big influence on my sexuality.