Therapy

[frenchgirl]

I'm also ACE and 'dev'. I also spoke to my therapist about my fantasies. He tends to make me think there is nothing wrong with it. But i also felt and feel guilt.

I experienced being with a disable man, as a couple. And being an Ace also made it super complicated for me.

Well thanks for sharing!

[Kahanah]

Hold on, ladies. I am getting my License soon (Working on my Doctorate in Psychology).
There is no specific view on the paraphilias... Each and every one is unique.
Each case is different.

I been talking to a therapist once a week, for the last 10 years. It feels good to talk to someone confidentially, however, most of the Counselors or Psychologists do not get our particular case and the frustration associated with it.
Best you can do is to find someone you are comfortable talking to.
I have spoken to over 6 different specialists over the years, and they all told me: "as long as it doesn't hurt you or anyone else, your sexual desire is normal".

When I met my fiancé, we fell for each other right away and our sex life been insanely good. But I waited 26 years to meet the right guy. We love each other to pieces and when we don't agree on things, sex actually fixes it all. Physical attraction is very important. So in my case, I am crazy about my future husband. Nobody thinks it's weird or anything. However, our extreme case of making out in public makes people cringe!  I do not feel guilty, as I got past that point. He is extremely handsome guy, and if he wasn't disabled I would still want to date him! As well as the other million women, lol. He was such a snack before his accident, girls went craaazay! We have been together for almost two years and still haven't lost this spark for each other. 
Life been very tough on us recently, but this feisty attraction is a life saver!

As long as your attraction is mild and you don't hurt anyone there is nothing pathological about it. Its all about preferences.

I promise you, once I am a licensed specialist I will try to make changes. There will be a deeper research on this topic. 

[Kahanah]

Jul 23, 2021 21:18:08 GMT -5 @amelia said:

Kahanah ,  are there any explanations on why dev? I have not read all the posts yet, but seems there r different opinions.

 There are 9 well-known reasons. But I believe, it is not that simple. They are all intertwined. 

Mine is mostly focused on imprinted caregiving when I was a child. I also have a case of Borderline Personality Disorder that had influenced my sexuality as well. It is directly linked to paraphilias. 
I would be interested to hear the stories of others. Here or in private in messages. 

Interesting quote from WIKI: 
"The DPW community constantly debates the origins of the attraction ("the Why?"). The Amelotatist, reporting a poll of 195 devotees was a community contribution and the first synthesis of explanations. A 2005 straw poll in two DPW for a revealed that in childhood many respondents (often first or only children) felt alienated from peers, forming solitary interests in inter alia, transportation, or collecting. This may indicate that empathy with the disabled, subject to exclusion in most cultures, is among the motivations for the attraction. It may also indicate that admiration is at play in the attraction, in as much as the disabled per force overcome inhibitions similar to those many DPWs face, as hinted above."

[Kahanah]

I think going to a therapist who never experienced any sort of paraphilias himself is a waste of time and money.
Again, each case is different.
Some devs (mostly males) are predatory and must be under constant supervision of a therapist. 

It is very interesting to dig deeper into the reasons "why".

[Kahanah]

Jul 23, 2021 22:02:46 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

Jul 23, 2021 21:54:52 GMT -5 @amelia said:

Kahanah , so interesting. Can u shed some light on why the specific types of attractions, such as SCI, hemiplegia, etc.

also, i am curious how many female devs r there, what is the percentage in the general population 

Don't know anything about specific types of attractions yet, there is no public data with research available, but I am trying to dig as hard as I can. 
My opinion, it depends on a person and has deeper roots in childhood events. 
Most common attraction is paraplegia. 

Hard to tell the percentage, because female devs are not coming out that often, because again - guilt. 
My main question is, why guilt? 

Some girls feel guilty because they think they are attracted "to the chair", or "to disability".  And this is the stuff that we make up in our heads based on what society tells us. 
We are attracted to people. People who had cheated death and overcame adversity and never given up. There is strength and immense courage.
My fiancé had been through so much, and he is strong and beautiful and wonderful. He is such a fighter. 
I feel so proud to be next to him.  
Following this logic, I don't feel "guilty", I feel like I am a genius who was able to find a diamond in a pile of coal. 

[Kahanah]

One last thing. Here is a quote from my textbook on Abnormal Psych course:
"Several facts about paraphilia are likely to be important in their development. First, as we have already noted, nearly all persons with paraphilias are male; females with paraphilias are so rare that they are found in the literature only as case reports or a series of case reports (Fedoroff et al., 1999)."

Females are very rare.
We are pretty much unicorns.

[AlrightyAphrodite]

Jul 25, 2021 7:48:18 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

One last thing. Here is a quote from my textbook on Abnormal Psych course:
"Several facts about paraphilia are likely to be important in their development. First, as we have already noted, nearly all persons with paraphilias are male; females with paraphilias are so rare that they are found in the literature only as case reports or a series of case reports (Fedoroff et al., 1999)."

Females are very rare.
We are pretty much unicorns.

Ok now tell me something I don't already know

Image description: fabulous unicorn, dabbing

[Kahanah]

Jul 25, 2021 11:01:33 GMT -5 @amelia said:

Jul 25, 2021 7:48:18 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

One last thing. Here is a quote from my textbook on Abnormal Psych course:
"Several facts about paraphilia are likely to be important in their development. First, as we have already noted, nearly all persons with paraphilias are male; females with paraphilias are so rare that they are found in the literature only as case reports or a series of case reports (Fedoroff et al., 1999)."

Females are very rare.
We are pretty much unicorns.

Does the book have  anything about female attractions for PWDs?  Does the author know about female devs?  the book seems pretty dated, 1999? 

i would be interested in reading the latest version of Synopsis of Psychiatry by Kaplan &  Sadock, will share if i find anything interesting. 

Book itself is from 2017. Reference is from 1999. 

[Kahanah]

Jul 25, 2021 11:01:33 GMT -5 @amelia said:

Jul 25, 2021 7:48:18 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

One last thing. Here is a quote from my textbook on Abnormal Psych course:
"Several facts about paraphilia are likely to be important in their development. First, as we have already noted, nearly all persons with paraphilias are male; females with paraphilias are so rare that they are found in the literature only as case reports or a series of case reports (Fedoroff et al., 1999)."

Females are very rare.
We are pretty much unicorns.

Does the book have  anything about female attractions for PWDs?  Does the author know about female devs?  the book seems pretty dated, 1999? 

i would be interested in reading the latest version of Synopsis of Psychiatry by Kaplan &  Sadock, will share if i find anything interesting. 

 Good choice! I would recommend 2014 Edition because its bigger and has a separate Chapter 17.3 Paraphilic Disorders
I am very interested if you find any answers for yourself. 
 

[shadow]

Jul 23, 2021 20:50:41 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

As long as your attraction is mild and you don't hurt anyone there is nothing pathological about it. Its all about preferences.

I’ve always felt that my attraction is anything but mild. It’s been one of the most obvious and strong feelings I’ve had since I was a child and literally shaped a good portion of my life. What do you classify as a mild case of devoteeism?

Personally, I don’t believe it’s the devotee in the person that makes the person a creep. I believe there are creepy people in the world who come in all shapes, sizes, and belong in all communities. Unfortunately the dev community is not excluded and we get our fair share. And, with the nature of how societies view pwds as helpless and updatable, the creep factor gets magnified. For example, As a dev, I felt like a creep just for seeking out disabled people on dating sites, but have changed the way I view it even though that action in itself could be seen as creepy to a lot of people. It doesn’t make me a creep, it’s just not understood that this is my preference and all people seek out their preferences on dating sites.  

[Kahanah]

Jul 25, 2021 12:31:10 GMT -5 shadow said:

Jul 23, 2021 20:50:41 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

As long as your attraction is mild and you don't hurt anyone there is nothing pathological about it. Its all about preferences.

I’ve always felt that my attraction is anything but mild. It’s been one of the most obvious and strong feelings I’ve had since I was a child and literally shaped a good portion of my life. What do you classify as a mild case of devoteeism?

Personally, I don’t believe it’s the devotee in the person that makes the person a creep. I believe there are creepy people in the world who come in all shapes, sizes, and belong in all communities. Unfortunately the dev community is not excluded and we get our fair share. And, with the nature of how societies view pwds as helpless and updatable, the creep factor gets magnified. For example, As a dev, I felt like a creep just for seeking out disabled people on dating sites, but have changed the way I view it even though that action in itself could be seen as creepy to a lot of people. It doesn’t make me a creep, it’s just not understood that this is my preference and all people seek out their preferences on dating sites.  

I would define it as “mild”, if it is manageable and susceptible to control.
Also, if it doesn’t not affect your day to day life and interaction with other people.

[feelsunshine]

Jul 25, 2021 8:09:46 GMT -5 AlrightyAphrodite said:

Jul 25, 2021 7:48:18 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

One last thing. Here is a quote from my textbook on Abnormal Psych course:
"Several facts about paraphilia are likely to be important in their development. First, as we have already noted, nearly all persons with paraphilias are male; females with paraphilias are so rare that they are found in the literature only as case reports or a series of case reports (Fedoroff et al., 1999)."

Females are very rare.
We are pretty much unicorns.

Ok now tell me something I don't already know

Image description: fabulous unicorn, dabbing

View Attachment

Although I really like the image of a unicorn, I however can’t and don’t believe that dev women are less than dev men. I would say we just handle it different, we’re more sensitive and also less open about sharing this part of our personality out in the open.
As far as I can say, when I am in the city together with my wheeler friend, I can often spot women who don’t only notice him in a way like “oh there’s a disabled guy” but more like “hell yeah, spotted a wheeler”.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I believe that the dev percentage between men and women is pretty much the same.

[feelsunshine]

and one more thing I’d like to add:
I’ll forever hold on to the theory that the percentage of Devs and PWDs is the same. I like the theory of it being nature’s plan to make sure there’s a significant other for every one of us out there.

And sorry that I didn’t refer to the original post yet. I have never been in therapy because I luckily never had issues which needed that. But if there were issues in my life which needed therapy, I’m sure I’d also dig out the dev stuff in order to get the whole image and all out into the open.
I never studied psychology and only half a year of sociology but I’ve always been interested in things like how our brain works and why we handle things the way we do.
So if anyone of you ever gets to the base of what caused becoming a dev, I’d be highly interested. I still keep wondering if it’s something we’re born with or if experiences in life formed the dev brain. probably nobody can really tell.
I actually recall a thread about that…. Found it: paradevo.proboards.com/thread/5246/devs-recognize-devness-mom-daughter

[frenchgirl]

Jul 23, 2021 21:44:09 GMT -5 Kahanah said:

Jul 23, 2021 21:18:08 GMT -5 @amelia said:

Kahanah ,  are there any explanations on why dev? I have not read all the posts yet, but seems there r different opinions.

 There are 9 well-known reasons. But I believe, it is not that simple. They are all intertwined. 

Mine is mostly focused on imprinted caregiving when I was a child. I also have a case of Borderline Personality Disorder that had influenced my sexuality as well. It is directly linked to paraphilias. 
I would be interested to hear the stories of others. Here or in private in messages. 

Interesting quote from WIKI: 
"The DPW community constantly debates the origins of the attraction ("the Why?"). The Amelotatist, reporting a poll of 195 devotees was a community contribution and the first synthesis of explanations. A 2005 straw poll in two DPW for a revealed that in childhood many respondents (often first or only children) felt alienated from peers, forming solitary interests in inter alia, transportation, or collecting. This may indicate that empathy with the disabled, subject to exclusion in most cultures, is among the motivations for the attraction. It may also indicate that admiration is at play in the attraction, in as much as the disabled per force overcome inhibitions similar to those many DPWs face, as hinted above."

Hi Kahanah,

Thanks for your sharing, it is super interesting.

I actually felt alienated by my family when i was young. I remember my mother was moking me at that time, as a way to discipline me, and in front of the rest of the family. That was very humiliating. I felt very lonely in my own family. I recall in elementary school i was particularly empathetic to the rejected kids. So what you quote from wiki makes lots of sens for me! Tho, i don't see it like an admiration but rather a way to love myself through somebody else that went through 'society rejection' if I can put it this way.

When you say that there are 9 well-know reasons for paraphilias, I'd be very curious to know what they are.

I am also curious about how the Borderline personality disorder can be linked to paraphilias.

[frenchgirl]

oh i just found the 9 reasons on Wiki!