Therapy

[LaMara]

So I started therapy with a great person who's very open minded and specialises amongst other things in sexual orientation minorities.
I did speak to her about being ace but didn't mention being a dev yet, which I think will come up on our next session.
I'm a bit worried about it because I don't want to be misunderstood or for the therapist to read weird things into it (a few friends of mine for example thought I was a dev just because of childhood trauma or low self esteem and I think that's BS); I also still don't know how to reconcile having what is in most interpretations a fetish but not wanting to engage in it irl but just as a fantasy. I guess I don't know what to expect and years of dev guilt are not helping me relax.
So has any of you spoken about dev stuff with a therapist? Did you feel understood? Did it help you figure yourselves out?

[elbs]

I was seeing a therapist when I realized that I was kinky, and she was a big help. Although it was more the sadism that I needed help with, and I didn't even realize that I was a dev until later. She talked to me about the difference between fantasizing about something and actually wanting to do it, and encouraged me to tell my parents when I really wanted to but was afraid to.

[ayla]

My therapist was the first person I ever told. She was very understanding and supportive. I think, especially if your therapist has some expertise in sexual minorities, there’s a good chance it will go well. Anyone with some awareness of kink will likely not be fazed in the slightest. Once I started learning about other, more common “fetishes” and “kinks” myself a lot of my dev guilt started to dissolve. For goodness sakes, I thought, at least I’m attracted to a type of living human body! How perverse could that possibly be, when there are people out there who are perfectly proud of their attraction to inanimate objects and such? I’m not kink shaming here...and the very fact that “kink shaming” is a relatively well known concept is yet another piece of evidence that sexual eccentricities are becoming more mainstream.

[dolly]

I did some work around my devness with a therapist, she was the second person I ever told. She specialized on LGBTQ+ issues and was someone I knew to be profoundly open-minded. I think she found it quite fascinating and she was curious and non-judgemental about it. She proved to be very helpful in helping me feel less ashamed.

I was working with another therapist at the time as well (other issue) and eventually decided to tell her. She was kind and tried to be cool, but she was obviously shocked and I think she found it quite upsetting. I didn’t see her for much longer after that. She was clearly uncomfortable.

So, just be careful who you choose.

[lisa]

I think there is a big difference between how this kind of therapy is viewed in the US and in Europe. I have the impression that it is much less common where I live (Germany) to have a therapist except for if there is a really severe psychological problem. So I probably would never even consider talking to a therapist about it (also because I know that will most likely be a topic the person has never heard about before). But I think that's a shame really. Devness does cause many of us a certain pain in one way or another and there are so few people who really get it... That's why I value PD so much.

Sorry that I don't have any insight or recommendations. From the general "telling people about my devness" point of view, I had the best experiences with people who had an uncommon sexuality of their own - may it be LGBTQ stuff or just other unusual attractions. They knew about the process of finding out about it and how to handle it in a world that views you as deviating.

[LaMara]

Thank you everyone!
lisa I wouldn’t know about how it works in the US.
I live in the UK and I had to seek counselling because in the last few years I’ve had serious issues with depression and anxiety, and my sexuality in all its facets is definitely anxiety inducing still to this day.
I had awful experience with a therapist in the past who (verbally) sexually harassed me and I have a hard time opening up about certain subjects for fear of judgment. But I think mostly I still have to work out my dev guilt and how to overcome it.
I’m probably just overthinking the whole situation but I’m happy to hear some of you found understanding therapists.
I think in some parts of the world therapy is still not normalised enough! It would probably benefit most people, not just those with severe mental illness.

[SouthernCalGal]

LaMara, I'm seeing a therapist and I shared it with her. I was actually the first person she has had as a client that has disclosed this.  I told her that people often consider it a fetish but that I don't for myself as it has been with me for so long - since childhood. I told her that I compare it to an orientation as I feel I was born this way etc.  When she brings it up during a session she calls it my "interest." I guess that's a word she feels comfortable with and for now, that generic word works.  What she is working with me on is the dual role it has played it my life and how I have approached it.  There's me and then there is the dev me.  She says I need to incorporate my dev self into my whole person which I think I have been doing more of that.  She did say that with an "interest" like this, and since I have expressed that I do want to explore my interest IRL, I will never be fully satisfied mentally and physically if I do not.  That's where we left off.  I have another appointment next week.  Wishing you good sessions with your therapist.   

[LaMara]

It actually went very well! The therapist is very open minded, no judgement whatsoever but didn’t really know about the dev community and I had to explain this whole place to her. She actually got a bit upset not with me but with the fact that devs feel guilt and shame because society categorises PDWs as non-sexual. She’s actually a disability advocate on top of being a therapist and hates that we’re made to feel guilty for what we like.
Anyway she kinda guided me to the conclusion that there’s nothing wrong with my preferences, with my sexuality or even with my confusion about it, I’m just wired to be very self critical and always feel “wrong”. Apparently this board has been a very healthy and helpful place to be for me because in a way I had already come to the same conclusion thanks to my conversations with y’all but I haven’t embraced it completely yet. It’s a work in progress!

[lisa]

Glad to hear that it went well! It's such a great feeling to be fully accepted and not just for what can be seen from the outside.

Just to clarify: I didn't want to question why you're seeking counselling. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. My sexuality does cause me a lot of fear too, even though it got a bit better over the years when I came to understand that my first (mostly bad) experiences weren't necessarily the measure of all things. But yeah, work in progress :).

[LaMara]

Feb 13, 2021 11:49:21 GMT -5 lisa said:

Glad to hear that it went well! It's such a great feeling to be fully accepted and not just for what can be seen from the outside.

Just to clarify: I didn't want to question why you're seeking counselling. I'm sorry if it sounded that way. My sexuality does cause me a lot of fear too, even though it got a bit better over the years when I came to understand that my first (mostly bad) experiences weren't necessarily the measure of all things. But yeah, work in progress .

I didn’t interpreted your post that way at all don’t worry! I actually agree that in a lot of european countries therapy is still not as normalised as in other parts of the world, like the US. When I first sought therapy many years ago I kept it a secret from most of my family because I was embarrassed, and I had relatives say to my face they “don’t believe anxiety is real”.
I also think it’s absolutely fair if someone decides therapy is not the thing for them or they’re not ready for it! It definitely is hit or miss. A bunch of my friends are on antidepressants but not doing therapy because they’re either not ready or prefer not to.
Things are changing so much in the last few years regarding mental health awareness and I bet eventually seeing a therapist will be as normal as going to the doctor.

[myrrh]

Well said. Therapy is work, just like exercising. We celebrate people who are in poor physical health who go to the gym every day to get in better shape. Social media is full of "before and after" shots of obese people who worked hard and became marathon runners. Maybe we'd have similar culture for mental health if it was easier to visualize. We're definitely making progress, though.

One notable thing about Star Trek is that one of the most senior ship officers is the ship counselor. They put physical and mental health on par, and she's an integral part of the crew. Just another utopian tidbit.

[ContingentlyComposite]

Feb 13, 2021 13:40:44 GMT -5 myrrh said:

Well said. Therapy is work, just like exercising. We celebrate people who are in poor physical health who go to the gym every day to get in better shape. Social media is full of "before and after" shots of obese people who worked hard and became marathon runners. Maybe we'd have similar culture for mental health if it was easier to visualize. We're definitely making progress, though.

One notable thing about Star Trek is that one of the most senior ship officers is the ship counselor. They put physical and mental health on par, and she's an integral part of the crew. Just another utopian tidbit.

That's seriously one of the things I love most about Star Trek! (It's like maybe number 4 out of 859.)

[ayla]

I’m definitely seeing a huge shift in the US regarding mental health. The supports aren’t as accessible as they need to be (our insurance system is partly responsible here) but the public opinion is certainly changing. On social media, among younger people especially, it’s quite common to speak casually about one’s therapist or refer to one’s mental health. It’s becoming more like having a coach, personal trainer, or advisor — which I think is pretty fitting.

[cilantro]

I went to a therapist for over two years who was a major reason I've become so open and accepting of my devness. Most of my friends do see therapists and it is something we are very open about in our circle. In fact some folks go to the same therapist and are openly vying to be her favorite. I think it's something everyone should do and wish that good therapists were easier to find.

[Celaena]

Feb 12, 2021 11:52:39 GMT -5 LaMara said:

It actually went very well! The therapist is very open minded, no judgement whatsoever but didn’t really know about the dev community and I had to explain this whole place to her. She actually got a bit upset not with me but with the fact that devs feel guilt and shame because society categorises PDWs as non-sexual. She’s actually a disability advocate on top of being a therapist and hates that we’re made to feel guilty for what we like.
Anyway she kinda guided me to the conclusion that there’s nothing wrong with my preferences, with my sexuality or even with my confusion about it, I’m just wired to be very self critical and always feel “wrong”. Apparently this board has been a very healthy and helpful place to be for me because in a way I had already come to the same conclusion thanks to my conversations with y’all but I haven’t embraced it completely yet. It’s a work in progress!

This is SO awesome!! For years, I had a very closed mind about any sort of therapy for mental health issues like counseling and medication. It took a really bad bout of post-partum depression to get me to see a counselor and it made such a difference.

One analogy that always stuck with me (wonder why? Lol) was that if someone needs a wheelchair and you build them a ramp, that isn't weakness. It is giving them what they need. The same is true of mental health. Lack of phenotypical representation doesn't mean that your mental health doesn't need a ramp too!!!

So glad it went well and that your counselor was supportive. :-)