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Post by happyface2013 on Feb 16, 2021 15:06:37 GMT -5
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Post by britishtetra on Feb 19, 2021 6:57:03 GMT -5
Hello mate, as a wannabe writer myself I have read your story. To me it just doesn’t give any passion in it. It’s like, erection inserted, orgasm, sleep. How about something like this building up to it.
I couldn’t believe I was finally alone with her, the woman of my dreams who had captivated my soul. Gently we take off our clothes, although I was a little more eager. I was naked before Katy’s shirt had hit the carpet. It was the quickest transfer onto the bed of my life. The usual precautions were gone out the window, as I anticipated her soft hands upon me. Tiny goosebumps broke out on my arms, as I watched her climb beside me. The cotton bed sheet crackled beneath, as her lips tentatively kissed my stomach, sending me into a frenzied ecstasy.
Pete
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Post by happyface2013 on Feb 23, 2021 7:46:42 GMT -5
Thanks Pete, constructive criticism always appreciated.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2021 13:41:21 GMT -5
I'll echo a little of what Pete is saying, great build up, solid tension but then it feels like it's over in two sentences. You could add more detail into the buildup, the touching, kissing, feeling etc. I don't think you need to be graphic but add some more passion, and excitement to the moment.
nice job, thanks for sharing.
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Post by rebel6842 on Feb 25, 2021 23:00:27 GMT -5
OK-we're guys, so this is a good first effort (and I do like the dual voice), but how about we hear a little more from Katy as they're on the couch, etc?
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Post by britishtetra on Feb 26, 2021 18:58:47 GMT -5
“Lie back?” Said Katy, pushing her palms down onto Tom’s shoulders. The back of his head cushioned into the pillow, creasing the picture of the rock band. Tentatively Katy stroked her hand back and forth, likened to the swaying movement of wave. Now and again she gazed at Tom to observe the reaction. A movement occurred in his groin area. Up raised his penis, hard as a flagpole and ready to be masted. “Gosh!” Katy remarked, “It works!” Red faced, Tom joked – “Try it out, its had one careful owner?”
Pete, 👍
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donutspirit
New Member
Posts: 19
Gender: Male
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Relationship Status: Single
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Post by donutspirit on Feb 26, 2021 22:04:46 GMT -5
“Lie back?” Said Katy, pushing her palms down onto Tom’s shoulders. The back of his head cushioned into the pillow, creasing the picture of the rock band. Tentatively Katy stroked her hand back and forth, likened to the swaying movement of wave. Now and again she gazed at Tom to observe the reaction. A movement occurred in his groin area. Up raised his penis, hard as a flagpole and ready to be masted. “Gosh!” Katy remarked, “It works!” Red faced, Tom joked – “Try it out, its had one careful owner?” Pete, 👍 I'm thinking that you should be writing some devotee fiction of your own, Pete! |
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Post by happyface2013 on Feb 27, 2021 16:38:40 GMT -5
Thanks for the feedback guys. I went back and did a little more work on it.
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