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Post by ContingentlyComposite on Feb 28, 2021 15:35:14 GMT -5
I actually felt a lot less sympathy/sadness than I thought I would, lol. I haven't gotten close with many PWD though so my sample size is too small to draw any conclusions about my general tendencies. I think my reaction has a lot to do with their feelings about their disability and related experiences. The sadness and empathy I feel for others is almost entirely in response to their feelings (real or merely suspected). The PWD I've gotten close to don't have a ton of disability related sadness about their life and experiences, so I that has constrained the amount of sadness and empathy I feel.
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Post by devogirl on Mar 1, 2021 8:00:00 GMT -5
ayla, yes this happened to me when I was first dating a quad (Rollerboy in Devo Diary). When we met, I was into all the usual dev things: finding him hot, admiring how independent he was, joking around and having fun together. After we had been dating for a few months, he showed me some photos from before his accident, and I was hit with this huge wave of sadness. It was just like you said, I was shocked at the depth of my own reaction. I didn't share it with him, and anyway he had a lot of issues, there was no way we could have had a deep or useful conversation about it. Maybe because he was the first SCI guy I ever met, but something about those photos really got me in a way that didn't happen with other PWDs I dated before or after him. I don't know! I don't have any great insight into this, except to say that you're not the only one to have that experience.
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em
Full Member
Posts: 102
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by em on Mar 2, 2021 4:42:10 GMT -5
hm, I actualy feel like I conflate sympathy and attraction a lot in life, and it's been difficult for me to overlook that if that makes sense... so I never dated or even met a PwD, but when I read about them, it's really the vulnerable moments that I'm most interested in, like when they're struggling with something or feeling self-conscious and the other person can help them or reassure them (just read some of Annabelle's books and she has some of those scenes  ).... and then yes, I do feel guilty about the fact that I get some sort of strange satisfation out of other people's misery. I would hate to be on the other side so wouldn't wish it on anyone else. And in real life, people have a lot more to them than their physical ablity, and I'm sure they don't allways obsess about it like some fictional characters, so I actually think that if I dated a diabled person I'd fuss over them too much, ow at least it's confined to my imagination. Just some thoughts, I'm still figuring out my devness and slowly accepting it but it's a process |
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Post by Slinxter on Mar 7, 2021 20:49:38 GMT -5
I wasn't surprised that I felt empathy for the PWDs I have chatted with, I am an empathetic person most of the time, but the exact form of it, and when it came up was surprising to me. It did hit pretty hard the first time.
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Post by koala on Mar 23, 2021 11:36:08 GMT -5
I experienced this when my late husband and I first started dating, and it caught me totally by surprise. We had just gotten back from a date and were in the car talking late into the night, which we often did. I think we had been seeing each other for about a week at this point, and he felt it was time to tell me about all of his disabilities and how they affected him. He was a champion talker and went into great detail about each one. I was completely mesmerized throughout the whole conversation and barely said a word. I was just soaking it all in, enjoying the mental pictures, and feeling so thankful that he was already comfortable enough in our relationship to share such personal pain and struggles with me. When he finally finished, he looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and asked how I felt about everything and if I still wanted to be with him now knowing the full story. At that moment, I immediately began to sob uncontrollably...like I never had before in my life. I didn't feel sadness or pity...or anything really. It was much more gutteral and reflexive. I proceeded to bawl my eyes out while he held me for over an hour. Once I was finally able to pull myself together, I apologized profusely because I know that wasn't the response he was expecting, and it certainly wasn't the one I had been expecting either. That was the first and only time I've ever had anything more than an interested/thankful response to a PWD sharing their experiences with me. I still don't know what caused it or what I was actually feeling in those moments. It was a strange, almost out-of-body, experience.
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Post by koala on Mar 26, 2021 1:09:22 GMT -5
BTW, ayla, I forgot to say thanks the other day for starting this thread. It's so interesting to me. When I experienced this, it caught me completely out of the blue, and I never would have guessed other devs experienced it, too. It always feels good to know you're not the only one. |
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frenchgirl
Junior Member
Posts: 69
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Single
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Post by frenchgirl on Jul 9, 2021 19:21:55 GMT -5
hm, I actualy feel like I conflate sympathy and attraction a lot in life, and it's been difficult for me to overlook that if that makes sense... so I never dated or even met a PwD, but when I read about them, it's really the vulnerable moments that I'm most interested in, like when they're struggling with something or feeling self-conscious and the other person can help them or reassure them (just read some of Annabelle's books and she has some of those scenes ).... and then yes, I do feel guilty about the fact that I get some sort of strange satisfation out of other people's misery. I would hate to be on the other side so wouldn't wish it on anyone else. And in real life, people have a lot more to them than their physical ablity, and I'm sure they don't allways obsess about it like some fictional characters, so I actually think that if I dated a diabled person I'd fuss over them too much, ow at least it's confined to my imagination. Just some thoughts, I'm still figuring out my devness and slowly accepting it but it's a process Goddd... i could have written this, em  I'm so astonnished at how we (devs, or some of the devs) can be alike. |
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).... and then yes, I do feel guilty about the fact that I get some sort of strange satisfation out of other people's misery. I would hate to be on the other side so wouldn't wish it on anyone else. And in real life, people have a lot more to them than their physical ablity, and I'm sure they don't allways obsess about it like some fictional characters, so I actually think that if I dated a diabled person I'd fuss over them too much, ow at least it's confined to my imagination.
