*Devs Only* Poll: Have you dated a PWD?

[koala]

I definitely think that our devness has nothing to do with whether or not we ever have a relationship with a PWD. The attraction is still there, and that's what defines it...in my opinion. A lot of devs on here don't even care to be with a PWD and are perfectly satisfied with their fantasies and books. We are all unique in how we experience our devness, but that doesn't mean it's any less a part of us.

However, I will also add that having an extremely passionate and healthy long-term relationship with a PWD fully solidified just how foundational it is for me. I've also been in a successful long-term relationship with an AB, and the comparison is night and day. I know that when I'm ready for another serious relationship, it will most likely be with another PWD. An AB guy would have to be an angel sent from heaven to change my mind 😂.

[devogirl]

Apr 17, 2021 18:18:09 GMT -5 sugarmag said:

 it seems hard to know if I am a dev or how much of one I am

Please free yourself from this kind of reductive thinking. Did you find it hard to know if you were straight or how straight you were before you had sex with a man? These identities are not dependent on what you do with another person, but on how you feel inside. I was a huge dev long before I had a relationship with a PWD. I'm still a dev even though I chose to marry an AB man.

No one is less of a dev if they never have sex with a PWD, and certainly not if they only have casual hookups but not a LTR. It's not like there's some kind of gold-star dev status conferred after 20 years of marriage to a PWD. Likewise, you don't have to have sex with a PWD before a certain age to declare yourself definitely a dev. Life is long, you never know what you might do in the future.

If you have gone to the trouble of finding this board and posting frequently, then yes, you are a dev. There are not grades or hierarchies of devness. Some people may choose to think about it or express it more than others, but this can fluctuate a lot for an individual over time. I don't think about or act on my devness as much as I used to, but I'm still just as much a dev as I ever was.

There's nothing wrong with starting a poll like this, and the answers might be interesting. But it's too bad you set it up so we can only choose one answer, because for me, each of those options has been true at different times in my life. And for everyone voting or looking at the responses, please don't interpret the results to mean that people who choose no are not "true" devs at all, or that only x number of devs who choose LTR are the only real devs here. It doesn't work like that at all.

[devogirl]

Apr 18, 2021 0:17:23 GMT -5 sugarmag said:

I guess my question is more like, did dating a person with a disability turn out like you expected or was it different from what you had imagined?

That's also a very good question, but IMHO not what the poll is asking. In my case, I dated a lot (I mean A LOT) of guys with various disabilities, and it always turned out different from my expectations. This was also true of my AB relationships. I was terrible at knowing which ones were worth keeping around and which I should have kicked to the curb immediately.

But aside from my generally being a poor judge of character, I also found that fantasy and reality were very different. Not always in a bad way, just that what I like to read about in fiction and what turned me on in real life were not always the same. Like some very minor disabilities (missing a few fingers or something) in fiction, boring, but in real life definitely very devvy. On the other hand, the impact of my main dev triggers tended to fade over time. Many other devs here have mentioned the same thing, after awhile, it sort of fades into the background in a way, which is why it's so important to have more than a physical connection (as in any relationship).

Anyway I wrote about all my experiences in Devo Diary for this very reason, to share with other devs.

To continue the orientation analogy, I have heard some discussion lately among women who identify as bisexual, but choose to exclusively date then marry men and stay monogamous. Are they still bisexual if they never have sex with women and never intend to? The consensus seems to be yes. Some people do find out about themselves by having a lot of experiences, but sometimes that exploration is purely internal. Often that happens because women don't feel empowered to explore more while they're young. I really encourage all single devs to get out there and meet PWDs. If you live in a major city, it's not that hard.

[lilly]

I’m super curious to see the results of this poll. I think it would also be interesting to see how many people have been intimate with a pwd too. Years ago I briefly dated a pwd, with very limited intimacy, before I realized I was or even knew what a dev was. It took years after we split for me to come to terms and accept being a dev. After him I even had a long term relationship with an ab guy I thought was “the one” for me.

Since getting on this site I’ve met a pwd (not from pd) I’ve been casually seeing for a while now and it’s been incredibly eye opening. It’s the first time I’ve been very intimate with pwd and open about my devness. I’ve never felt such attraction before, pwd or ab! It’s confirmed for me that I am a dev, but I also have moments where I question it. I agree with devogirl, the reality is different than the fantasy but not in a bad way at all. And after a while things become so normal, you don’t think about it as devvy, it’s just your new normal. But initially it was so incredibly intense, and still is sometimes, especially if I don’t see him regularly. I find him just as attractive or more attractive than when I first met him. I still find ab guys attractive, not to the same extent, but I haven’t been with one in a long time so it’s hard to know how I’d feel intimately.

I still question my devness and what it’ll look like long term, but I know that it’s real. Maybe you haven’t found the right guy, or you just need someone with particular traits to really satisfy your devness. I think it’s normal for people to question themselves when they can’t find consistent success with something. And maybe it’s a scale and not a “dev or not dev”thing. That scale could honestly vary day by day too, who knows. I know personally I get very intense dev highs and lulls. I hope my perspective helps!

[bluemagpie]

I clicked on casual but what I had was a 2-year "situationship" that was never a formal relationship but involved friendship and intimacy and intense feelings. I dated and was in relationships with AB men before and after.

So, I never correlated that experience to my identity or confirming my devness (that was never something I questioned). But, I learned two things in the aftermath of that relationship:

- I can still be attracted to and fulfilled with AB men even after experiencing the intensity of being with a wheeler. It's not the same, but I won't be unfulfilled if I never date another disabled guy.

- The devness factor complicates things quite a bit. Or potentially does. Not related to the disability or physical limitations, but to my ability to be balanced and clear headed. I know it amplified my feelings, both the good and the bad, and made me more vulnerable. The guy I was with was a decent, good guy, and we talked a lot. Communication was good. Yet over the span of the time we were together I ended up feeling a lot of confusion and hurt at times. So I know if I ever were to date another PWD, I would be very careful and probably protect myself more than with an AB guy.

[dream2bc5c6]

I haven’t, I worked as a caregiver for a quad lady while I was still a dev not long ago and made me want to be quad even more after being up close to everything.

[feelsunshine]

Apr 17, 2021 19:20:05 GMT -5 koala said:

I know that when I'm ready for another serious relationship, it will most likely be with another PWD. An AB guy would have to be an angel sent from heaven to change my mind 😂.

koala, you're great! love that mindset. I can totally relate!

[feelsunshine]

I voted "casually dated".

However, as much as I appreciate the poll, I think it does not at all reflect the variety of relationships and dev situations there are.
And, as koala and devogirl said, having not dated a pwd in real live, does not define you more or less as a dev. Where some devs are perfectly fine in their AB relationship or single-life with sometimes spotting a wheeler out in the wild or reading a romantic dev story, others go out there and feel the need to explore their devness in real life.

I started off my devness with having devy stories in my mind as a kid, then found some devy movies I enjoyed watching and after some AB relationships (and then discovering PD in 2018 I guess) I started to feel the need for experiencing the real pwd world. What resulted in different casual dates and/or one night stands, always searching for "the right guy". And for my current situation I can say I found a guy who's really my type (visuals and characterwise) and we're in a friendship-with-benefits-sort-of-thing for about 8 months now. And even though we only see each other every couple of weeks, and we're per definition not in a "romantic relationship", he has given me more the feeling of a great relationship than any other of my former AB guys ever did.

[bluefox]

Personally, I just ticked "I've casually dated a PWD" with a proud grin thinking to myself: "I'm succeeding in life!" Haha ^^"

For me, it was less of a casual dating situation, it's just that it was cut short because we seem to have met at the wrong time - albeit it definitely transformed my dev identity!

For about a year I distanced myself entirely from the dev community (this is my return post btw, how have y'all been doing ^w^") because I felt that with some devs stalking PWDs, taking pictures or dehumanising them, also the guy I dated gave a direct example of a devo on a dating app just going "do you have x y" without any real convo on him - I didn't want to consider myself part of it.

It's a very difficult topic, we all always need to remember we're still talking about people. We need to keep in mind we are into something that often comes with pain physical and emotional and social exclusion and can (but doesn't have to, PWDs aren't automatically victims and nobody likes pity) be a vulnerable topic, and staying aware of this is our responsibility as devs imo.

I calmed down eventually and remembered creeps are probably just a loud minority among devs.

Other than that, I honestly think I fell in love for the first time at 19, with that guy. I don't think I can really feel the same about an AB guy. It was a whole different level of attraction. Another damn galaxy. It'll be hard finding another guy who ticks the devo box and my 2-3 other significant boxes, but though this might be controversial I think denying your devness and "getting over it" is like forcing yourself to be with a girl when you're a straight woman. (Which I personally am not, but that's for another thread)

On a side note, he didn't even have a disability I'm usually into. Discovered a whole new version of devness there, haha. ^^

Either way thank you for reading through my ted talk, oof

[Deleted]

So since I joined this site not long ago, my life has changed drastically. My marriage was already failing, and I’ve now officially filed for divorce. In the midst of that, I met someone from this site that I’ve started a long-distance relationship with, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never dated a PWD before or even acknowledged being a dev until a few months ago. I’ve never connected with someone the way I have with this man, and it’s super scary and incredibly exciting all at the same time. We are currently long-distance, but live in adjoining states. Being that my divorce is not final, I need to be prudent about when we meet, but I am SO excited!!! It’s not just that he’s a PWD and I’m a dev, because there is attraction in every way, emotionally, and intellectually, too. But I can’t deny that I expect the sex to be mind-blowing! I honestly can’t believe this is my life.

[frenchgirl]

Yes to fall in love and expect a relationship with someone, i really have to connect on different levels. Physical attraction yes, but as you say, emotionally and intellectually. It is rare to find that. I've been with too many men with whom i was lacking one or 2 of those aspects. I wish you have found it.

[frenchgirl]

Apr 18, 2021 0:17:23 GMT -5 sugarmag said:

I guess my question is more like, did dating a person with a disability turn out like you expected or was it different from what you had imagined? I don't read stories or much related to disability other than this site, so for me dating is the main aspect of being devotee. I don't think of being a devotee as a significant part of my identity though, so I'm personally not too concerned with how dating or not dating a person with a disability changes whether the label applies to me, but yes, for people who have other aspects of being a devotee unrelated to dating it would be inaccurate and incomplete to define it based on dating alone. It definitely seems like being a devotee is innate to some degree and encompasses a wide range of different feelings and activities. I think sexual orientation is a good analogy like devogirl said. A lot of people know they are not heterosexual even if they have never dated someone of the same gender. On the flip side, there are also people who are questioning their sexual orientation and aren't sure of how hetero/homo/bisexual they are, and dating people with different genders can be eye-opening and help clarify things. I wonder if something like that has been the case with anyone here but related to attraction to disability.

I think after dating a PWD, i felt like i felt before, that i was attracted to PWD. Tho the sex didn't work that well :S. Because of me, but that is another story. 

I wonder if you watch videos or anything presenting PWD sometimes? Because you say your 'devness' is only related to the dating...

[bluemagpie]

Jul 3, 2021 14:49:36 GMT -5 @curiouscat said:

So since I joined this site not long ago, my life has changed drastically. My marriage was already failing, and I’ve now officially filed for divorce. In the midst of that, I met someone from this site that I’ve started a long-distance relationship with, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never dated a PWD before or even acknowledged being a dev until a few months ago. I’ve never connected with someone the way I have with this man, and it’s super scary and incredibly exciting all at the same time. We are currently long-distance, but live in adjoining states. Being that my divorce is not final, I need to be prudent about when we meet, but I am SO excited!!! It’s not just that he’s a PWD and I’m a dev, because there is attraction in every way, emotionally, and intellectually, too. But I can’t deny that I expect the sex to be mind-blowing! I honestly can’t believe this is my life.

Wow @curiouscat, how exciting!  Enjoy each step of the journey, and may the divorce part of it be as smooth as possible.  Tell us more if you are so inclined...  I bet you two are itching to meet in person soon.

[Deleted]

Jul 5, 2021 12:54:25 GMT -5 bluemagpie said:

Jul 3, 2021 14:49:36 GMT -5 @curiouscat said:

So since I joined this site not long ago, my life has changed drastically. My marriage was already failing, and I’ve now officially filed for divorce. In the midst of that, I met someone from this site that I’ve started a long-distance relationship with, and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never dated a PWD before or even acknowledged being a dev until a few months ago. I’ve never connected with someone the way I have with this man, and it’s super scary and incredibly exciting all at the same time. We are currently long-distance, but live in adjoining states. Being that my divorce is not final, I need to be prudent about when we meet, but I am SO excited!!! It’s not just that he’s a PWD and I’m a dev, because there is attraction in every way, emotionally, and intellectually, too. But I can’t deny that I expect the sex to be mind-blowing! I honestly can’t believe this is my life.

Wow @curiouscat, how exciting!  Enjoy each step of the journey, and may the divorce part of it be as smooth as possible.  Tell us more if you are so inclined...  I bet you two are itching to meet in person soon.

Unfortunately, my soon-to-be-ex is making the divorce a lot more complicated than it needs to be. Super frustrating, but I’m trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Definitely cannot wait to meet my man in person…probably the most exciting anticipation I’ve ever had about anything! For now, lots of texts and phone calls. Sigh…