Any dev has or had a long distance relationship with a PWD?

[frenchgirl]

Hi everyone,

I have some kind of LDR right now.

I'm pretty confused. I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
We plan meeting up, but, as he lives very far away, it has certain costs (flight ticket) and also, I don't know, like.. how am I supposed to know if we're gonna fit.. and worth all of the sacrifices and the costs?

So it's just very complicated in my head ! Lots of emotions!!! good and bad ones!

I was wondering if any dev here have had live a similar situation, or feel free to give your opinion on it even if you never experience it   I just need to talk about it.

Thanks a lot

[Kahanah]

Hey.
I used to fly to my *back then* boyfriend, every 2 weeks across the country. It was crazy.
We were madly in love.

Can he cover a fraction of your flight cost? Have you facetimed? How often do you two talk?
We talked for 24hrs nonstop to each other, and he paid for my tickets even though I haven't even asked.
You should not be the only one who makes a sacrifice, like flying far from home, missing work, paying all the costs... 
It seems like you are in doubt, and if in doubt - RED FLAG, he is (most likely) not the one. 
Hugs!

[Amee]

Hi frenchgirl ,

I think a lot of devs dating PWD have experience with some kind of long distance situation thanks to our tiny dating pool.
I've been in a relationship for five months now, which until two weeks ago was long distance. I've also had a couple of (multi-day) dates with someone who lived quite far away (requiring plane travel) two years ago.

I think there are a lot of factors that go into whether a ldr is worth it or not - or whether it can work at all.

The first thing I would ask myself is: What am I looking for and is there any realistic chance that this person can give me that under the circumstances? Is it realistically possible to make what you want work in practical terms? For example, if you know you're (only) looking for something long-term and you know that you don't want to do long distance indefinitely, would it be possible for one of you to move eventually? Is it financially feasible for you two to make long-distance work - either until one of you can move or permanently, if that's something you could imagine doing. So much of this depends on both of your personal situations, the distance and what you want out of this connection.
For example, for me personally those practical factors are the reason why I couldn't imagine dating someone, who lives on another continent. For me, that would just be too expensive, too complicated, too unrealistic that it would work in a way that I could be happy with in the long run. Long-distance within Europe, on the other hand, is something I've always thought could work.

As for how to know if you're going to fit - that's an even more complicated question, obviously. I'm not sure from your post: Have you met in real life yet or are you still planning your first meeting? I personally find it impossible to make a judgment about whether I might fit with someone, if I've never spent time with them in real life for a reasonable amount of time. So, if you've never met in real life and it isn't incredibly expensive, I think my approach would be to meet and see how it goes and how you feel after that.

I agree with Kahanah that the cost and sacrifice shouldn't fall on just one person, if you decide to seriously try to make it work - unless there is a very, very good reason for it.
As for doubt being a red flag, I think that depends a lot on the circumstances and your personality. I'm a very careful and skeptical person by nature, so some kind of doubt is pretty much a given for me in almost any situation. If I considered doubt in the early stages a red flag, I'd stay single my whole life - and I have been single long enough because of it (and I mean looong)
You probably know yourself best in that regard and can decide whether the level of doubt you're feeling at this stage should be a red flag or not. What was it like with relationships in the past? And of course, there's the dev-factor... I'm assuming you're talking about a PWD here - try to ask yourself honestly what part your devness is playing and if that is the part you want it to play/you think it should play - or if it might be clouding your judgment a little.

I think it's really hard to give helpful advice to someone you don't know in a situation like this. Can you talk about it with a good friend or someone who knows you well?

Good luck and I hope it turns out to be a positive experience for you one way or another!

[frenchgirl]

Those are veeeerry good advices , thanks a lot to both of you. I need to think now.

[Kahanah]

I’m invested in this now so please tell us what you decided on doing

[frenchgirl]

It will take a while my dear

[bowlergrl0524]

I have been in a relationship with fiancé for 6 years now. When we met, we lived about 2 1/2 hrs from each other, then he moved back home after law school for about a year, and is now back to his original location when we met. It’s tough. We live on a lot of FaceTime, texting, and Facebook messages.

[blueskye101]

Nov 13, 2021 17:10:29 GMT -5 bowlergrl0524 said:

I have been in a relationship with fiancé for 6 years now. When we met, we lived about 2 1/2 hrs from each other, then he moved back home after law school for about a year, and is now back to his original location when we met. It’s tough. We live on a lot of FaceTime, texting, and Facebook messages.

bowlergrl0524, glad to see you back here. Been awhile. Thought you guys were finally going to be in same place

[lisa]

I've been in a few LDRs and I have to say you really have to be cut out for it. I'm not a very spontaneous person and for me to move and let behind me my whole life in one place would be a big thing to ask. But always having a part of your life in another place can be very difficult as well. In every LDR I have always experienced that we weren't able to maintain the (emotional) closeness over weeks of not seeing each other. Even with Facetime/chatting/whatever, it's always been this feeling that we weren't really a part of each other's lives. I guess this can be overcome, even if the LDR situation is a longterm thing. But you have to really want to overcome it. You can't start getting negligent, you can't stop to tell the partner what's going on in your life. Find ways to share parts of your life, not just by talking about it, but for example by creating something together, by giving each other little tasks in each other's lives, or something concrete like this.

Nov 7, 2021 5:39:33 GMT -5 Amee said:

I've been in a relationship for five months now, which until two weeks ago was long distance.

Congratulations :). I wish you all the best for the relationship!

[frenchgirl]

Yeah i guess at some point you have to move with the other person to have a easier relationship. I would'nt want a LDR for too long. I understand it is hard and takes lots of efforts to maintain according to what you say.



Ive always wanted to live in another state or country but, there are some limits too. Like, i would have to be able to find a job! and create a life i am happy with, wich can be a big challenge. And it makes me thing that the partner has to be reeeeeally helpful with that, supportive.

Nov 14, 2021 15:06:33 GMT -5 lisa said:

I've been in a few LDRs and I have to say you really have to be cut out for it. I'm not a very spontaneous person and for me to move and let behind me my whole life in one place would be a big thing to ask....

Nov 7, 2021 5:39:33 GMT -5 Amee said: