Post by Pony on Nov 1, 2007 20:21:31 GMT -5
Coffee With An Alien
by
Anthony Rain Starez
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The alarm clock rang out, waking me from my best sleep of the night. And as I struggled to quiet the blaring noise that pierced my mind like some rude driver who won't stop blowing his horn, I swung my body to the side of the bed staring blankly at the floor, mumbling curse words to myself, incoherently.
Most mornings began the same way for me as my job required me to be in the office at the un-Godly hour of 7 a.m. Okay, I'm lying, more like 9 a.m., but this morning sure felt like seven. Afterall, I'd stayed up very late the night before, 3:45 a.m. to be exact, reading a science fiction-comedy book called, My Mother's An Alien And So Is My Teacher. I found the book to be quite funny, and fantastic in ideas while touching on some serious human conditions that made me wonder about how we'd be perceived by aliens if they were to visit our planet. So as I stumbled to the kitchen in my underwear with my eyes mostly closed, yet somehow feeling my way to the coffee maker, I thought 'if only aliens could see me now, they'd surely realize this planet was void of any intelligent life and return where they came from.'
I remember taking my first sip of rich black wake up medicine when I heard this distant, yet loud, hum, or droning sound coming from, what sounded like, my front yard. It was like a huge vacuum cleaner, or leaf blower, only higher pitched. And I don't mind telling you my imagination, still being influenced by the book the night before, was now starting to stray to the absurd.
Could an alien spaceship have just landed in my front yard? What little control I had over my imagination was quickly slipping away now, and the notion made me nervous. I'd always been, somewhat, of a vain person - so bad, in fact, that as a teenager, I'd only wear two pairs of jeans to school because I thought they looked the best on me. Feeling a little more awake, I thought to myself, 'There's no way I'm going to let a bunch of aliens catch me in my underwear, hair uncombed and teeth not brushed.' So, naturally, I dashed to the bathroom just to make sure I looked in order—uh, for the aliens!.
Let's face it, I could be the first impression these poor creatures of space have of humans. Do I want them going home telling their purple neighbors ‘those pale-skinned creatures from Earth are some kind of ugly with bad breath?’
The way I was looking at it, I could very well be representing Earthlings, an ambassador, if you will. If I made a good impression, I might even become the middleman, negotiating between the aliens and all humans of the World — kind of like a good real estate agent who butters up both sides to make a deal. Hmmmm, maybe I'd be like Mike — Michael Jordan, that is. You know, a national hero promoting Nike shoes on Alien television, making millions of dollars and my own condo on their planet. This could very well be the start of a new exciting career. After all, I hadn't done very well on this planet with my career path; maybe, my future lay outside this atmosphere!
Quickly, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and threw on my work clothes. I even decided to wear a tie...uh, just in case!
As I slowly made my way toward the front door, stepping cautiously with a fairly terrified look in my eyes, I realized something very important, something I couldn't face my own World without, much less scary aliens from another Galaxy - my cup of coffee, of course!
Now, I'm not making excuses for myself, but ever since I was a child, teachers would scold me harshly for daydreaming in class by slamming a book to the floor, or shouting my name in the middle of a lesson. Things hadn't changed that much since becoming an adult, as I can still get lost in my own thoughts at a moment’s notice. So, I'm quite aware of how my imagination can run like a horse running back to the barn , and although my mind had already built this crazy scenario of aliens landing on my lawn, deep inside, I never really expected to find anything different as I left my house that morning, chalking another one up for the creative, right side, of my brain.
However, this morning events to follow would flip my logic upside down. As I nervously stepped through my front door onto the porch, I turned, closing my door, yet glancing over my shoulder towards my yard to take my first look at a strange magnificent silver machine sitting directly in the middle of my front yard. You can only imagine how incredibly shocked I was to see this beautiful, yet bizarre, saucer-shaped aircraft, complete with blinking red lights sitting on my manicured grass. Well, my grass wasn't so manicured now, and whoever had landed was responsible for the singed, burnt grass, that was still smoking from the apparent heat the ship caused when landing. The ship was not huge like I'd expected an alien airship to be, but more along the size of a Buick, only it sat very high on three table leg-type platforms.
It should come as no surprise that I dropped my briefcase, and stood there shaking with my eyes bugging out, like an earthquake of a large magnitude was in effect. It should, also, come as no surprise that I held on to that coffee like it was the last cup of coffee I'd ever see again.
Funny how strange things can run through your mind in traumatic times. In my own feeble mind I was thinking I might be abducted and flown to another planet, where they had no coffee, to become some kind of sex slave — having to reproduce with alien women all day in some cruel scientific experiment. Ofcourse, the worst part having to do with having no coffee.
As I stared at this wondrous flying machine in total dismay, a side door began slowly opening and lowering itself to the ground, looking like a children's slide in a playground. Only a second had past before a curious looking creature appeared in the door way. Very short, and of greenish coloring with a muscular build, the alien looked somewhat like Danny DeVito, on steroids.
We both just gazed at each other for a full minute. Maybe he was sizing me up for a possible fight, or maybe he was merely amused at the sight of this funny looking human holding his coffee cup with both hands, shaking uncontrollably. Either way, he must've figured I was harmless as the small figure slid down the doorway to the ground, then after climbing to a standing position, he began waddling towards me.
Surely, I could take this puny alien in a fight, if that's what he wanted with me, so I threw my coffee down and took up a Karate fighting stance. Still shaking, and mumbling things like, ‘You want a piece of me, UFO-boy?’, and, ‘Come get some of this, space-punk.’ I waited patiently for my own private star war!
Taking a few awkward steps in my direction, the little green guy stopped, stared at me curiously, tilting his head slightly to one side, then he actually began to speak. "Please, don't be afraid,” he begged, probably realizing I could kick his ass. “I'm having engine problems, and had to make an emergency landing — sorry about the lawn!
I just called AAA (Alien Aircraft Alternative), and they promised me they will have a tow-saucer out within the hour, your time. But hey, you know how these tow services are. Do you mind if I wait for them on your porch? It's very compact inside the spacecraft, even for me, and besides, I’ve been flying for 100 light years, or so."
Maybe this was a ploy to make me loosen up so he could catch me offguard, and tie me up, or something, but I was getting tired of standing there like a reject from a Kung Fu movie, so I relaxed and called out, ‘Sure, come on up and sit on the porch swing for a spell neighbor, while I grab us a cup of coffee."
While retrieving coffee, I thought to myself, 'this can't be happening, that damn book I read last night has pushed me over the edge, I don’t know fantasy from reality, anymore.' Still confused, I continued with the coffee. Upon returning to the porch, I found my tiny green UFO sitting there comfortably swinging and making a whistling sound; obviously, he was enjoying his visit just like this was an everyday occurrence.
Astonished at his casual posture, I sat down beside him and tried to join in. He took his cup of coffee, said thank you, sir, and casually sipped his java. I was starting to like the little ET go home guy when he had the nerve to look at me and say, "You know, our coffee from my planet is much richer!"
A little irritated, I remarked back, ‘Well, exactly what planet do you come from, Mr. UFO?’
Gazing to the sky, he replied, "My name is Oneday, and my home is called No Schmucks. We have been travelling to your planet Earth for thousands of years, examining how your varied societies operate. We've watched human beings, as you call yourselves, go through many changes throughout your history. This has helped us immensely in adjusting our values, policies and laws that govern our beloved race on our own planet. It's been a terribly interesting mission since I was appointed as an offical human-observer 3000 years ago."
‘Wow,’ I exclaimed, ‘so you're, at least, 3,000 years old, and have been visiting Earth for thousands of years? Why didn't you ever make an official meeting with us humans?’
"Well, my people tried that 5,000 years ago during the building of the pyramids and great civilizations of the Mayan and Inca people, but we soon discovered that our presence would alter human existence. Your people began worshiping us as Gods, which led to despicable actions, like.human and animal sacrifices. This was done to appease us, in hopes that we would change nature in their favor, blessing them with healthy harvest of crops every year and giving them good fortune, as in winning bloody battles against each other. We tried to tell them we aren't masters of your reality, but never would they listen. Humans began blaming everything on us, and giving us credit when there was none to give. If it was good, then they had pleased us, the Gods. If something terrible happened, like an earthquake, or even something natural as death, then we were to blame.
To make things worse, they began whipping, and torturing, other people into believing in us as Gods. I watched as people were crucified, even burned at the stake for believing differently. These lower class people, or non-believers, were also forced into slavery to build incredible monuments made of stone. So many of your people suffered and died of the horrid conditions. These monuments were designed to transport the saved people to our planet where they imagined heaven was. They began separating each other into groups, one against the other, each one with the answers as to what, us Gods, meant by coming here, or why we left, or when we'd be back. I’m sorry to say, it just became way too complicated for us to stay, and we eventually decided that humans just weren't intelligent enough to handle our arrival, and that our technology would only help them to kill each other, and continue further rape of nature."
"Sadly, as humans have progressed through time, building your own powerful technology, it turns out that is exactly what you're using your technology for. I’m sorry to say that your time on this planet will come to an end, naturally. And, maybe not so long from now."
Upon hearing this I was completely stunned into silence. I mean, here I am listening to a small green, very likeable, creature from the depths of space unlock some of the great mysteries that's plagued mankind, and sum up our whole existence, and behavior, in the first few minutes of a conversation. Oneday sat quietly as I pondered his profound words.
The breeze blew warmly through my hair, as I felt the rising Sunlight glimmer through the old Oak tree limbs that partially shaded me and my new friend. We sipped more coffee as question after question ran through my mind. And believe me, I wanted to ask each one; however, I felt this was not the time or place for a complete interrogation. Besides, it wouldn’t matter! And so, with an audible sigh, I leaned back in the porch swing, and simply enjoyed the beautiful morning that brought so much happiness, and insight. I believe Oneday felt that same peace as there was not much more to discuss. It was as if nature would take it’s course, and there was nothing to do except enjoy the spoils of life - in it’s simplest form.
As we waited for AAA to come help repair the spaceship, I asked, "Can I tell others about you, Oneday?"
Oneday just smiled, and remarked, "It doesn't matter, my son, they'll never believe you."
