Are there any rules for helping?

[doe]

Some of the posts in the "An interesting encounter and a question thread", particularly by Triassic and Phill got me thinking.

When is it appropriate to offer a wheeler help? Is it only when it is solicited or are there other situations? I'd love to know the basic rules - of course everyone and every situation is different, but are there any general guidelines that can make us understand you better?

I'm reading a lot of posts on the board about devs' (aka WOWs - see the Tony's pics thread) nervousness about approaching wheelers. Let's take the devness out of the equation. How does any person assist? How can we overcome this nervousness?

There seems to be some invisable boundary between offending someon's pride and genuinely wanting to help. Where is that line? I'd hate for a situation to occur where a person really needed assistance and we didn't offer it because the whole thing is just too ackward and tricky.

For example, would it bother you if I met you at a supermarket where you were trying to reach something on an upper shelf and I came and got it down for you?

Would love to know your thoughts.

[mike]

doe,

That's a tough one. Although I don't generally need help reaching things, just this Saturday I slipped down an embankment picking berries at a family picnic. Several people wanted to help me back up, but I was simply too embarrassed to accept. Not in the least offended or hurt, simply felt incredibly foolish, I was focused on the berries I wanted & wasn't watching where my feet were going. Getting up from the ground is difficult enough in braces, but while tangled in a blackberry bush is even harder. And fool that I can be, it was preferable to put my hands on stickers to push myself up than face further humiliation.

That said, if I thought the person offering help was a dev....well, I would have accepted the help.
Why the difference? Because I wouldn't have felt a dev would secretly have been laughing at me, and the interaction would have felt good.

[Ciao Bella]

Mike's right, it is a tough one and depending on the situation, we as devs would probably (hopefully) be able to discern when is a proper time (and yes, a proper way) to offer help. Again, speaking from my own experience and circumstance, I have learned how to just ask if people want a hand with something ... notice I don't say "do you need/want HELP?" rather, the less intrusive and casual "do you want a hand?". In that way, the wheelers (I hope) don't get the wrong impression that I think they're useless (as my partner would put it) and that if they decline the offer, then it's no biggie - noone's ego would have been crushed. I have found that this offer is usually accepted happily by those I've asked - maybe because they know I don't mind helping because my partner is a wheeler? just my 2 cents ...

[Ouch]

I think another strategy that may also be more successful, and going with the supermarket theme is actually starting a conversation with the person casually, and then offering some help. If you just rush over wide-eyed and say loudly "I'm here to help!", a wheeler's gonna' get flustered, and just gonna' feel like it's the same ol' "People think I'm helpless" ordeal...but especially as a Dev, if you happen to be nearby, or in the same aisle, and you see a wheeler (especially one you may be interested in) looking at something that's on the "border-line" (it's high, but just within 'grasping' range), it may be nice to swoop in and talk to the guy, which can certainly be a natural in-road for getting closer to the guy and prompting a full-scale encounter (much more productive than miling about nervously wishing you could talk to the guy...). By prompting conversation, you get to know more about the guy, appear nice, and not just about helping, but about treating the guy as a person, not as someone in distress, which is more likely to provoke a positive reaction when you ask if he wanted 'a hand'...and that impression will be a strong one in memory...

[BA]

Aug 4, 2009 1:59:59 GMT -5 mike said:

doe,


That said, if I thought the person offering help was a dev....well, I would have accepted the help.
Why the difference? Because I wouldn't have felt a dev would secretly have been laughing at me, and the interaction would have felt good.

Mike, you honestly feel that someone would be secretly laughing at you? Why would anyone secretly laugh? I tend to think that a NON-DEV would be feeling "sorry" for you and that a good DEV would be laughing out loud at your silly predicament.

If you refused assistance, only to further scrape and destroy yourself on brambles and bushes, then this Dev probably would have had to at least capture the moment on camera and show you what a dumb-a$$ you were, later.

[Phil]

Doe,

I think it depends on the person. I knew a wheeler that would chop her tongue off before asking for help getting something off a top shelf in a super market. She went without rather than asking for help. Personally, I think she's a bit extreme, but that's how she wants things to be.

Me, I'll ask a passerby to grab the better coffee I want on the top shelf rather than settling for something I didn't want simply because my pride got in the way. I'll compromise on some things, but not good coffee.

But I do NOT like it when someone comes rushing over and offers "help" I never asked for or oftentimes never needed. That does irk me. As strange as it sounds (speaking for myself here), even after many years of wheeling through life, I'll still on occasion discover a new trick/way to get something done. It may sound silly, but it feels good when you can pull one of those off. I would never have known that I could manage it if someone always rushed in and offered "help". That kind of "help" isn't helping me one bit for the reasons listed above.

So, to prevent creating a scene or overstepping your bounds, a walker should always ASK if they can assist rather than just assuming help is needed. Asking might make a friend. Assuming might make an enemy. ;D

[mike]

AB, yes I would feel someone would be laughing at me under the circumstances, it had nothing to do with disability, and everything to do with being careless. You have to admit, it IS funny to see an adult doing something so silly. The offer of help was predicated upon my being somewhat disabled, and would have caused them to suppress their laughter, if I wasn't they would have laughed out loud, and I deserved it.

I did NOT however get the least bit upset about the offers of help, I appreciated their concern, but was laughing myself at my own predicament. My point wasn't that anyone made fun of me (they did), and wasn't that I was upset (I wasn't), simply that I was having difficulty accepting help from well-meaning people, and that was because of MY issues not theirs. Had I really needed help, I am not sure what my response would have been, but you can be sure things would have needed to be MUCH worse for me to have asked for help.

My reluctance is predicated upon my personal embarrassment, and not some social faux-pas.

Mike

[matisse]

I like offers for help even if I don't accept them. I just think it's a nice friendly thing to do. I will typically just do whatever gets me on my way the fastest.

I still hold the door open for other people, too. Since I am in a power chair that's easy to do, and I would feel odd about letting it go if someone is right behind me.

[mike]

AB,

If you refused assistance, only to further scrape and destroy yourself on brambles and bushes, then this Dev probably would have had to at least capture the moment on camera and show you what a dumb-a$$ you were, later.

AB, that would have been exactly the correct response, your instincts are dead-on. Today I might even hang that picture up, but keep in mind that was on Saturday, and this is Tuesday, lots of time to pull the stickers out, and besides I have had time to laugh too.

[E]

Aug 4, 2009 16:46:45 GMT -5 matisse said:

I like offers for help even if I don't accept them. I just think it's a nice friendly thing to do. I will typically just do whatever gets me on my way the fastest.

Ditto.

I don't have a huge pride thing going on. There are lots of things I CAN do myself if given enough time, but are done quickly and effortlessly if I get help.

I can put on my own seatbelt. It takes over 5 minutes. I'd rather let you help than waste my time.

[Deleted]

YES there are rules. If its an everyday thing, like breaking down your wheelchair and throwing it in your truck...something done a minimum of 8 times a day then there is no need. If its an everyday thing like opening a door then just get out of the way until you see trouble...OR grab the door swing it open and get out of the way...lol don't stand next to the door expecting the guy to fit under your arm...just stand to the side holding it, you will get a quick thanks and smile as the guy cruises to get the second door himself if there is one.

If anything rude comes from the asshole's mouth then simply say oh get over yourself and put a walnut under his jaw cause the f*cker is going to crack something might as well get a nut out of it.

If its reaching something then say want a hand? Yes or no questions lol but just use your judgment. If there is any trouble ask away.


And NEVER EVER EVEREVEREVER make a joke about needing a "license for that thing!" I had this bald f*ck say that to me right beside this cutie....if she wasn't there I would have said something...like need a washcloth for that dome?



Yeah I am having a moody day what of it? ROFL.

[Ray T]

I say it is always ok to offer help, but be kind and if they say no be grashious and go on about your day... Never Nevar take it apon your self to jump in and just strat helping without asking...

[Triassic]

as ray says; its pretty much always ok to ASK if help is needed...but its never ok to just start 'helping'. thing is tho-you all know that already. its the fools of the world who don't. ever notice that? idiots aren't aware that they're idiots. jerks don't know that they are jerks.

it's like you need a certain baseline level of wisdom to even think that you might need improvement in some area...

[Pony]

Peeps don't really get on my nerves TOO much. I realize they're in new territory, and they are blinded by the light, so if they say something stupid, I just give em the ole 1/2 laugh. As for 'asking for help', I don't mind at all, and when I do need something, like a door, i just ask. One thing that KINDA drives me nuts is if i'm in very close quarters, people don't seem to have an idea that a chair needs more room to get by than a person walking. And so i have to keep asking them TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!! lol

[E]

Aug 6, 2009 9:22:03 GMT -5 Triassic said:

jerks don't know that they are jerks.

I'm well aware that I'm a jerk.