Devs with able bodied husbands/boyfriends

[Deleted]

Hi,
I just joined this site. Happy to have found it and looking forward to reading and discussing.
My situation is as follows: I have been married for almost 20 years, been a dev probably all my life, tried to figure out why, could not find answers and finally broke down after some research about three years ago and really having a hard time with accepting this to be an o.k. thing and nothing to be ashamed about I let my able bodied husband in on my "dark" secret. To make a long story short, he was very understanding and is willing to pretend for me in our own bedroom. We are also best friends and to let him in on it took a big burden off of my shoulders. Now we can smile about it and if we maybe come across a guy I may think attractive in a wheelchair or other medical situation he knows what is going on inside me. We have this inside thing: Since he was in the military,now retired we still use the military hospital and he says so when I have an appointment there and I may come across a guy in a wheel chair, braces or crutches it is also a good thing for my hubby because I am all excited and we can have some fun with it at home. It is true! A couple of weeks ago we sat in this burger joint and a decent looking guy comes in wearing one of these post op knee surgery braces, I barely could eat my burger and my hubby sits across from me nudging me under the table with a grin on his face.
I feel very blessed to have my husband, he is a great guy and even more blessed that he did not freak out on me when I told him and how it affects me. He is even willing to pretend a bit for me, we have crutches and braces at home.
Does anyone else have this situation? Does your able bodied spouse know about your devoteeism and how do they react to it?
Thanks for your feedback,
Dani

[Valkyrja]

Dani, I whish I were brave enough to tell my patner about my devness.
I´m with my AB guy for the last 16 years; I was a dev all my life (since I can recall) but I discovered it had a name about 6 years ago.
My guy knows nothing about it... he is my partner, my best friend, my everything... but my fantasies belong to my dev side.
I´m really happy for you and that kind of relationship with your guy!!!

[devogirl]

I've already talked about this a lot, most recently in a thread just below this one:
paradevo.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=devs&action=display&thread=3140&page=2
So I'm not going to repeat all that, except to say my situation is not the same as yours. I dated many guys with different disabilities over more than 15 years. I dated AB guys at the same time too.
I'm glad to hear you are happy and your husband is ok with it.

[tuna]

always had AB boyfriends. came out to two, one of them, pretended for me and it was great, the second one we'll have to see...
but i have got support from both people...nothing to complain about...

[ruthmadison]

I tend to alternate between disabled and non-disabled boyfriends, but I've always told all of them about being a dev. The non-disabled guys have generally reacted very well. They seem not to be able to really comprehend a disabled guy as competition for them, I think!

Tuna, how was the pretending? This to me seems like it could be ideal, if I could find an AB partner willing to do it.

[tuna]

oh it was the best thing ever. Of course it took me a lot of time to be comfortable enough to tell the guy, but once it was out there in the open, ( the first time I 'came out' to my then-boyfriend I didnt even know the word devotee, so I just said, look I dont know why but I have always been aroused madly by these things..and he said okay..) the physical side of the relationship reached a new high, and that is good for everybody concerned.
It was also good because I didnt have to feel guilty about 'imagining' him disabled, I could transpose my sexual fantasy on to someone I care about ( because honestly, when I am in a relationship, I am more aroused by my partner than anyone else, the sexiest gimp or hottest AB guy notwithstanding) instead of trying to feel aroused by some disabled character in a movie, and because given the right devotee-esque stimulation, good old fashioned man-on-top AB sex becomes that much more enjoyable.

[darkie]

I am married and no, never considered to tell hubby about it. I am sure he won't understand, not even try..?he will be disgusted.
I once had a relationship with and amp dev and when cleaning my apt, hubby found some pics (I've long forgotten them ) of a female amp and he started to ask questions and the way he reacted made me shiver and I had a hard time to hide my secret and my ex- boyfriend's secret.

[Deleted]

For me, it took me a long time to have the courage to tell my husband and beforehand I had discussed this with pretenders, devotees and others and most of them had encouraged me to let my husband in on it. I remember one person saying that with so much time together I should be able to tell him, because the marriage should have a good, solid foundation. I also somehow felt like I was cheating on him in some weird way by not telling him....I just had to tell him somehow. I also wrote him letters before that I had never gave him...... The night I finally told him I had to get a buzz going, so did my husband and I finally told him under tears and barely able to bring the words over my lips. He basically pulled the words out of me while holding me crying.....He was almost relieved when he finally knew it and his words were, " Is that it? If that is all then it is no problem, I can work with that...." I think he feared something a lot worse, like another man in my life or something...
Ever since then he sometimes has to make me feel better when I am kind of down and feel "weird" and he tells me I am normal and he does not see me any different than before. His confirmation is what I need though to keep me going. That is also true because I am also a bit into pretending and when I do need my fix but at the same time feel "crazy" and "whacked out" he lets me be and does not treat me any different and makes me feel better. I think we kind of found a good way to deal with this. I am so thankful for that. It does take a lot of courage and not everyone reacts in a good way I guess, which is so sad...it is such a delicate and controversial thing but hopefully with the support from groups like this and also very importantly disabled folks to try to understand this "condition" of ours there may be a light at the end of the tunnel...

[BA]

Nov 9, 2011 16:43:27 GMT -5 darkie said:

I am married and no, never considered to tell hubby about it. I am sure he won't understand

I feel pretty much the way Darkie does on this one and it is really very sad, b/c my spouse and I have such a close and loving relationship in all other ways. I feel his reaction would be negative based on past discussions about other sexual things. He was raised uber Catholic in an extremely repressed environment. It took him years to get out of that sex/guilt mindset and there are still aspects of his that are highly moralistic and finds anything outside the mainstream to be uncomfortable. It is very deeply ingrained and unfortunate because it truly limits our (certainly my) ability to fully express ourselves sexually. It is the one aspect of our marriage that really, really depresses me and we have gone to counseling without much success in this particular area.
I have decided, like so many other long time married women, that love ultimately trumps passionate sex. I guess I have come to terms with the fact that I cannot have it both ways.

Years ago, I had a serious long term relationship with a wheeler (over several years) and the situation was just the opposite. The sex and passion were great but the long term goals, compatibility and emotional stability were not there and I knew that in the long run we wouldn't make it. So, I do feel that I had my opportunity to experience a significant r'ship with a wheeler and realize I am lucky for that.

[ruthmadison]

Dani, I think you were clever. You made him fear that it was something so incredibly horrible that when you finally said what it was, it became a relief!

My friend Carl did a post about using that technique in marketing that I found very interesting: www.workingatperfect.com/2011/07/carl-sells-out.html " You set someone up for disappointment, and when they realise things are not quite as bad as they initially feared, they are then so relieved that they tend to forgive and forget - even though something still may have gone wrong, or in my case a change was made that some could see as being detrimental."

BA, I had the experience like you and it feels like every relationship I have with a disabled guy is high on passion and low on everything else and every relationship I have with a non-disabled guy is the reverse (great friendship, communication, fun, but little passion). That's why I flip flop so much I guess. Still trying to find the one person who has it all!

Tuna, I'm encouraged by your experience. I feel like leaving the disability stuff for bedroom only might be a possibility for me (once I got comfortable enough with someone to ask him to pretend!). I don't know. Some days that seems like a great plan and other days it seems totally crazy and impossible.

[tuna]

I can undertsand Ruth, I guess it works for me, that I have a good imagination, so I need onlyy let myself go... in that sense and not feel guilty about it. I like the way you put it, when we are in the sexual situation, I think of him as disabled and give over to the dev side, but after that, even during it sometimes (when the man takes charge, so to speak), it reverts back to a AB-AB relationship, or let me say that AB/Dis just dosent come to the picture. so thats how it works for me. To me it only matters in the bedroom scenario, outside of it, AB or dIS is just who the person is...
and yes, Love trumps passion, anyday. Besides, passion comes with love. In a way my AB experiences became fulfilling not only because I could give a free reign to my imagination but mostly because I loved those men.

[Emma]

Nov 9, 2011 19:03:24 GMT -5 Dani said:

The night I finally told him I had to get a buzz going, so did my husband and I finally told him under tears and barely able to bring the words over my lips. He basically pulled the words out of me while holding me crying.....He was almost relieved when he finally knew it and his words were, " Is that it? If that is all then it is no problem, I can work with that...." I think he feared something a lot worse, like another man in my life or something...

Dani I had a very similar experience telling a ex boyfriend. Like you I had talked with several other devs online who convinced me I really needed to tell him. It was so hard for me to do it that I was literally shaking and couldn't say the words I could only hint at what I was trying to say. Eventually he guessed since I was able to get out enough hints. I too think he was relieved that it wasn't something more unusual. We broke up shortly after that however so never talked about how to incorporate my attraction into our relationship.

[Deleted]

Ruth, it was totally unintentional, I just could barely get it over my lips, I was devastated and super scared how he would react. He thought it was something more like I was cheating on him or another man was in life or something. Weird thing is, I did feel like I was cheating on him if I would have kept in to myself...I have this incredible sense of honesty and I am neither a good liar, nor pretender...so I just had to tell him...I could have not kept going with keeping it secret.

Nov 9, 2011 21:54:43 GMT -5 ruthmadison said:

Dani, I think you were clever. You made him fear that it was something so incredibly horrible that when you finally said what it was, it became a relief!

[Spiral]

I have been married for just over a year now and I told my husband my "little secret" about a year into our relationship. LIke many of you I just could not get the words to come out of my mouth. He had been asking me about what feitshes and fantasies I had and I just hinted back that it was too embarrasing. He keep gently pushing and encouraging me until I finally gave him some stories that I thought might clue him in, then when he came back with questions, I answered them. For some reason it was easier that way. He was like, "Is that all? I can do that."
Anyhoo, I'm still working on being comfortable with my own sexuality and he is very patient and supportive. SOmetimes he teases me about reading my "porn", but I just point at his own computer and large collection of his own. ;p
Sort of off topic, but I really felt that I couldn't have a fully honest relationship with him if I was still hiding something that big.

[tuna]

true, i felt so much closer to my beau after telling him. the sex got better too