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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 30, 2013 20:14:55 GMT -5
Friendships, openness and opportunities that I honestly think that I wouldn't have had, if not for this place. I've been here a while and I have made friends with both devs and disabled guys that have literally changed my life. I have "come out" to friends and family and the dark cloud of secrecy is gone. I have let go of the guilt that I lived with for a long, long time (some of us do have that). I have traveled to places and enjoyed things that I don't know how they'd have entered my life otherwise. I'm not always happy here... but I can never completely leave.
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Post by kivic on Jul 30, 2013 20:47:07 GMT -5
I dont think I've come across this much honesty ANYWHERE! The real world doesn't appreciate honesty, maybe it's the anonymity that keeps it real, raw, and honest.
No one is ever completely happy all the time or you'd be false/fake/artificial.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Jul 30, 2013 21:46:35 GMT -5
I don't know if it's the anonymity or not. I know a good number of people here. Like really know them. Online and off line. I've met several face to face and, at times, have been in daily contact with them. I've discussed some of these topics with similar honesty both over the phone and on skype... I can't remember if I've had any face to face. Seems like the face to face convos wind up being about other stuff. I think maybe part of the honesty stems from what we share. The dev-ness... or maybe it's a product of the people I've met here. Things are much calmer for me now, but there have been times that I have cried as I typed and I have leached a lot of emotion and angst into posts here. I think one thing is that we're so self aware. I'm of the opinion that there are more devs out there... but that many of them aren't self aware enough to need a name for it. We are a self selected group so I think that contributes as well. If we hadn't been digging, we wouldn't have found anything.
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Post by Emma on Jul 30, 2013 22:19:45 GMT -5
I think one thing is that we're so self aware. I'm of the opinion that there are more devs out there... but that many of them aren't self aware enough to need a name for it. Um I absolutely LOVE this!
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Post by Dreamer5678 on Jul 31, 2013 12:13:02 GMT -5
I know it sounds clichéd to say it but I agree with everyone who has posted before me.... PD has become the experience of a lifetime. Here I have met wonderful people both devs and persons with disabilities whom I would not have met otherwise. I have made so many new friends with whom I have been able to explore a side of myself that has been hidden for a very long time. PD has made it possible for me to approach strangers and possibly make them lifelong friends from all over the world. I have been blessed to meet some people (both in real life and online) who are helping me grow into the person I long to be. PD gives me the self confidence to tackle important issues....it has also helped me formulate a voice out in this crazy universe we call life. I also appreciate everyone's complete openess and honesty about everything - whether it be sexuality, living with a disability or life in general...and I would like to say thank you to everyone for making this board what it is...A place where I can be ME
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Post by kivic on Jul 31, 2013 15:18:02 GMT -5
I know it sounds cliché to say it but I agree with everyone who has posted before me.... PD has become the experience of a lifetime. Here I have met wonderful people both devs and persons with disabilities whom I would not have met otherwise. I have made so many new friends with whom I have been able to explore a side of myself that has been hidden for a very long time. PD has made it possible for me to approach strangers and possibly make them lifelong friends from all over the world. I have been blessed to meet some people (both in real life and online) who are helping me grow into the person I long to be. PD gives me the self confidence to tackle important issues....it has also helped me formulate a voice out in this crazy universe we call life. I also appreciate everyone's complete openess and honesty about everything - whether it be sexuality, living with a disability or life in general...and I would like to say thank you to everyone for making this board what it is...A place where I can be ME dreamer, that's really wonderfully said There's a lot to be said about positivity and acceptance.
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Post by BA on Jul 31, 2013 17:39:21 GMT -5
Friendships, openness and opportunities that I honestly think that I wouldn't have had, if not for this place. I've been here a while and I have made friends with both devs and disabled guys that have literally changed my life. I have "come out" to friends and family and the dark cloud of secrecy is gone. I have let go of the guilt that I lived with for a long, long time (some of us do have that). I have traveled to places and enjoyed things that I don't know how they'd have entered my life otherwise. I'm not always happy here... but I can never completely leave. Almost ditto with you, Inigo. The friendships are priceless gifts.
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Post by Ath on Aug 4, 2013 15:40:10 GMT -5
In the end what has made the abdolute biggest difference for me is the discussions about guilt/dark side and what E said that helped me see it in a different light and work on it. I can relapse but I dont let the guilt be a part of everyday life anymore.
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 4, 2013 20:44:44 GMT -5
My reply is going to be different. Probably not what people would like to hear, but it is as honest as it gets:
The next-best thing about PD: that I got to explore my devotee side with some disabled guys.
The best thing about PD: that I learned never to do that again. Or, more correctly, that I learned I need never do it again.
The chances of finding THE disabled guy is next to nil. I am not going to spend the rest of my life in frustration searching for him.
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Post by Inigo Montoya on Aug 4, 2013 21:04:00 GMT -5
I don't mind hearing it. I can definitely identify with you on those points.
I'd probably switch their rank... they're not my top benefits from being here... but they're definitely in my list. And, personally, it's not that I'll never do it again, but I definitely won't put effort into it like I did in the past.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 4, 2013 21:05:09 GMT -5
The chances of finding THE disabled guy is next to nil. I am not going to spend the rest of my life in frustration searching for him. He'll find you as soon as you stop looking for him. Almost anyone in my life that means or meant something to me found me when I wasn't looking for them.
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Post by kaydee on Aug 4, 2013 21:14:28 GMT -5
The chances of finding THE disabled guy is next to nil. I am not going to spend the rest of my life in frustration searching for him. He'll find you as soon as you stop looking for him. Almost anyone in my life that means or meant something to me found me when I wasn't looking for them. That is so true, dcm!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2013 16:19:04 GMT -5
I am going to chime in on this... I DID find THE disabled guy for me. And...I found him when I WAS looking. BUT... it's not all unicorns and rainbows. In fact, it has been the most difficult, challenging, heartbreaking, shattering experience of my life... He's worth it, but unless I KNEW FOR SURE he was at the end of the journey, knowing what I know now, I would NOT go down that road again. And I found my guy. I don't advise devs to just go for it anymore. I advise caution. I tell people the chances are next to zero that you'll find happiness, even if you DO find the great guy of your dreams because there are just too many variables. I used to be a little smug about only dating dis guys. I didn't understand devs who were willing to walk away from the quest to find happiness with AB guys. NOW... I get it. For me, having had AB relationships, I knew I couldn't be happy with an AB guy. But I have learned that there are different kinds of happiness. If something happened between my husband and myself, if our relationship ended, I would not go back on the quest. I don't know that I'd stay single forever, but I'd never again seek out a disabled guy exclusively. I'd never again go to the lengths that I did. The odds are too great, the heartbreak is too real. I think sometimes we beat up on devs who have "given up". I used to be in that camp, so I say WE. Now, I just feel a sense of resignation, an acknowledgement that yet another woman has chosen to feed her own future, to follow the path that will more likely lead to some happiness, instead of tilting at windmills with less chance of success than old Mr. Quixote. Your honesty is refreshing and I suspect your feelings on the subject are shared with quite a few devs and ab partners of pwd's alike. I've been thinking about this a lot from a wheeler's point of view. I would have disagreed with you up until a couple months ago. I thought I had found "the one." Everything was great, at least that's what I kept telling myself because I was so happy and amazed that this beautiful girl was so attracted to me. But being a couple months removed, I have serious doubts that it would have worked out in the long run. I don't know how to put this. Being a quad is a lot of work, both for me and anyone with me. Sure, I have home health to do the major stuff but there are things like getting me into bed every night, accidents, the occasional middle of the night emergency, etc. In retrospect, I honestly don't think it was something she could have handled regularly and I don't blame her. It kind of saps the romance out of a relationship. But what is the alternative? I could have a live-in care worker but who wants that when TWO people are trying to build a life together. That's a HUGE third wheel. That's my life, though. So, what to do? I've very recently come to the conclusion that maybe I should give up on the dream of long-term love and aim instead for shorter duration trysts. I imagine it being much easier for her to handle my "inconveniences" knowing that if at any time things get to be too much, she can simply walk away. No hard feelings, we both had some fun and we move on. It works well for me because I won't feel the crushing guilt of holding someone prisoner to my necessary routines. Win-win. I'm very content with my life right now. Why do I need a steady girlfriend to be happy? Honestly, the pressure was almost too much for me because I feel the need to make up for my physical shortcomings in other ways just to keep someone. I felt guilty every day for asking her to help out. I feel I have to sensor myself because if I piss off the person I'm relying on to get into bed, I may sleep in my chair that night. (I doubt that's the case but that's how I feel) So, I think I'm done. I enjoy the company of women and always will, but I'm going to tweak the plan a bit. I sincerely believe that the story book love that we're all taught to strive for just doesn't exist for some of us. But, that's okay. Just as I have to drive differently or write differently, I will love differently.
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Post by finally on Aug 5, 2013 16:42:05 GMT -5
to me, the best thing about PD, is having weight lift off my shoulders. knowing that there are other women who are sexually attracted to disabled men! reading through some really well written threads about intimacy and love. appreciating the honesty and the feeling of a "real" room instead of an online room. feeling that connection to the other devs out there.
accepting that part of me which has been hidden for more than two decades. transforming all that guilt and shame into sexual energy, masturbating watching youtube videos without feeling bad about it. these things are what were/are the best thing about PD for me.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2013 16:47:56 GMT -5
I appreciate your honesty mrniceguy! I've had two serious relationships that didn't work out, though not for reasons of helping me. Since my last relationship six years ago I've basically lived the life you're describing (short-term stuff) and for the most part it's great. It's totally doable. Just be aware that every once in a great while someone will come along that you will not be able to walk away from with no hard feelings or regrets. Don't be afraid to try for something more. You could well get rejected but it's always worth a shot.
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