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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2013 17:41:53 GMT -5
I appreciate your honesty mrniceguy! I've had two serious relationships that didn't work out, though not for reasons of helping me. Since my last relationship six years ago I've basically lived the life you're describing (short-term stuff) and for the most part it's great. It's totally doable. Just be aware that every once in a great while someone will come along that you will not be able to walk away from with no hard feelings or regrets. Don't be afraid to try for something more. You could well get rejected but it's always worth a shot. First, I won't be WALKING away from anyone. lol My last relationship didn't end because of the helping thing but the writing was on the wall, so to speak. I'm not adverse to long-term love, I just don't think I should devote so much of my energy anymore for something that may not exist. Bigfoot might exist somewhere, but you won't find me looking for it. I'm not just being bitter here, far from it. I'm trying to be logical about my prospects.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 5, 2013 18:05:20 GMT -5
Well fine then, roll away ;-p
I think you have a very logical perspective on this whole thing. It's basically mine too.
Also, as I said earlier in my experience things seem to find me when I'm not looking for them at all.
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 6, 2013 11:40:20 GMT -5
I am going to chime in on this... I DID find THE disabled guy for me. And...I found him when I WAS looking. BUT... it's not all unicorns and rainbows. In fact, it has been the most difficult, challenging, heartbreaking, shattering experience of my life... He's worth it, but unless I KNEW FOR SURE he was at the end of the journey, knowing what I know now, I would NOT go down that road again. And I found my guy. I don't advise devs to just go for it anymore. I advise caution. I tell people the chances are next to zero that you'll find happiness, even if you DO find the great guy of your dreams because there are just too many variables. I used to be a little smug about only dating dis guys. I didn't understand devs who were willing to walk away from the quest to find happiness with AB guys. NOW... I get it. For me, having had AB relationships, I knew I couldn't be happy with an AB guy. But I have learned that there are different kinds of happiness. If something happened between my husband and myself, if our relationship ended, I would not go back on the quest. I don't know that I'd stay single forever, but I'd never again seek out a disabled guy exclusively. I'd never again go to the lengths that I did. The odds are too great, the heartbreak is too real. I think sometimes we beat up on devs who have "given up". I used to be in that camp, so I say WE. Now, I just feel a sense of resignation, an acknowledgement that yet another woman has chosen to feed her own future, to follow the path that will more likely lead to some happiness, instead of tilting at windmills with less chance of success than old Mr. Quixote. So, so true, Lucretia. Thank you for this comment.
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Post by Dee Dee on Aug 6, 2013 11:42:33 GMT -5
I don't mind hearing it. I can definitely identify with you on those points. I'd probably switch their rank... they're not my top benefits from being here... but they're definitely in my list. And, personally, it's not that I'll never do it again, but I definitely won't put effort into it like I did in the past. Yup, IM, thank you
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Post by Deleted on Aug 6, 2013 13:38:41 GMT -5
I think you have a very logical perspective on this whole thing. Yeah, I'm kinda like Spock. But with a sense of humor.
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Post by kivic on Aug 9, 2013 14:31:59 GMT -5
In the end what has made the abdolute biggest difference for me is the discussions about guilt/dark side and what E said that helped me see it in a different light and work on it. I can relapse but I dont let the guilt be a part of everyday life anymore. What was it that E said to help you see the difference?
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Post by Ath on Aug 11, 2013 1:02:59 GMT -5
Your honesty is refreshing and I suspect your feelings on the subject are shared with quite a few devs and ab partners of pwd's alike. I've been thinking about this a lot from a wheeler's point of view. I would have disagreed with you up until a couple months ago. I thought I had found "the one." Everything was great, at least that's what I kept telling myself because I was so happy and amazed that this beautiful girl was so attracted to me. But being a couple months removed, I have serious doubts that it would have worked out in the long run. I don't know how to put this. Being a quad is a lot of work, both for me and anyone with me. Sure, I have home health to do the major stuff but there are things like getting me into bed every night, accidents, the occasional middle of the night emergency, etc. In retrospect, I honestly don't think it was something she could have handled regularly and I don't blame her. It kind of saps the romance out of a relationship. But what is the alternative? I could have a live-in care worker but who wants that when TWO people are trying to build a life together. That's a HUGE third wheel. That's my life, though. So, what to do? I've very recently come to the conclusion that maybe I should give up on the dream of long-term love and aim instead for shorter duration trysts. I imagine it being much easier for her to handle my "inconveniences" knowing that if at any time things get to be too much, she can simply walk away. No hard feelings, we both had some fun and we move on. It works well for me because I won't feel the crushing guilt of holding someone prisoner to my necessary routines. Win-win. I'm very content with my life right now. Why do I need a steady girlfriend to be happy? Honestly, the pressure was almost too much for me because I feel the need to make up for my physical shortcomings in other ways just to keep someone. I felt guilty every day for asking her to help out. I feel I have to sensor myself because if I piss off the person I'm relying on to get into bed, I may sleep in my chair that night. (I doubt that's the case but that's how I feel) So, I think I'm done. I enjoy the company of women and always will, but I'm going to tweak the plan a bit. I sincerely believe that the story book love that we're all taught to strive for just doesn't exist for some of us. But, that's okay. Just as I have to drive differently or write differently, I will love differently. You are so right, no one can live like that feeling like a burden or feeling trapped. Me and dude definitely struggle some days but thankfully the feeling of unity is stronger. I struggle with saying no sometimes, and it's my fault, because as a dev- I'm supposed to enjoy helping him right I'm still learning though when he actually wants help, and when he just thinks something is an inconvenience or boring, and that I should do it instead
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Post by Ath on Aug 11, 2013 1:20:54 GMT -5
In the end what has made the abdolute biggest difference for me is the discussions about guilt/dark side and what E said that helped me see it in a different light and work on it. I can relapse but I dont let the guilt be a part of everyday life anymore. What was it that E said to help you see the difference? it's a bit out of context here, but: I wrote this in a PM and thought it had relevance here... "I know devs. For years, the ladies here have over and over said how well I "get it". And even though I asked the question, I understood the "dark side", too. I understand why you feel guilty. I get why you feel the way you do. But the one thing to keep in mind, the thing that's been said over and over... The disabled guys that understand what it means to be a dev LOVE that you are. Even though, statistically, I realize my odds of getting with a dev long term are close to zero, the fact that you exist makes me HAPPY. The idea that you may be attracted to my body is the only time I have ever felt my body is SEXY. I just thought of this. Maybe that's our mirror of your "dark side". You are upset that you are attracted to something that causes me discomfort/makes my life hard. And I am happy that you have this attraction, even though it upsets you. Should I feel guilty for being glad you're a dev, even though you don't like it, just like you feel guilty for liking my gimpness?"
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Post by kivic on Aug 12, 2013 8:08:12 GMT -5
I've re-read this a few times, thinking of how this reflects in my life and how I carry some guilt. This is a very valid point and rings true in many ways, I also feel that my guilt comes into play when I'm with an AB partner and having fantasies involving him and disability (I wouldn't wish him disabled, but I do, but I don't, and fantasy is only fantasy). Thanks for finding that Ath, it does give me a greater level of acceptance and understanding
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