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Post by siouxwin on Feb 17, 2015 18:34:03 GMT -5
I still haven't told anyone in my circle. It's nothing to be ashamed of, but because I struggled with guilt and shame for 40 years, it's hard.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Feb 17, 2015 20:33:22 GMT -5
I am also a closeted dev and up until last month I didn't think I'd ever tell anybody. Right now that I'm actively looking to meet some PWD and I have been in touch with a couple of AD guys for the past few weeks, I am considering telling my best friend about it. I'm not sure wether I'll do it or not and what I'm expecting from it but it's just something I'm thinking about these days.
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trkl
New Member
Posts: 10
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by trkl on Feb 19, 2015 19:40:27 GMT -5
For devs where their partner already knew beforehand of your devness, do you feel it has influenced your relationship? the dynamic between partners? better? worse? My boyfriend knows I'm a dev since day 1. We met on OKC, I stated my devness on my profile because I didn't want to get too much attention from the wrong guys. I don't believe this has been a big influence in our relationship. Only difference, he knows I'm not attracted to guys who are not blind, so he doesn't need to indulge in jealousy too much
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Post by Emma on Feb 19, 2015 23:14:03 GMT -5
Yes that's a great reason for telling guys trkl. I'm happy to hear you found a guy you are into on a mainstream site, that is unusual.
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Post by eva on Feb 20, 2015 5:41:53 GMT -5
Yes, agreed! Even if it takes a while to iron out all the kinks, it's a pretty amazing feeling! I'd agree with both of you. I hid it for YEARS and I always felt shameful like I was hiding part of who I was to my AB husband. Because he knows me so well he knew I was always holding back something sexually but he couldn't figure out what it was. I get it. The thing is I never did and don't feel guilty about my devness. I'm one of those very few devs from what I gather. And thanks Tori for mentioning holding back sexually because that enlightens me too: I don't hold back with an AB. I guess it could compare to being totally bisexual. So the reason I never shared my devness (I did tell some people I'm attracted to men in WC, but with a joking tone, so, yeah, it's not the same) is really because it belongs just to me and I like it that way. I have to admit though that my actual BF and I share great intimacy and I think I could open up to him. Too early to tell though.
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Post by eva on Feb 20, 2015 5:48:30 GMT -5
I am also a closeted dev and up until last month I didn't think I'd ever tell anybody. Right now that I'm actively looking to meet some PWD and I have been in touch with a couple of AD guys for the past few weeks, I am considering telling my best friend about it. I'm not sure wether I'll do it or not and what I'm expecting from it but it's just something I'm thinking about these days. The thing about being a closet dev is this - your devness becomes blown out of all proportion. It is something that is darker and scarier than it needs to be, just because you are hiding it away. But seriously - the more people yiu tell IRL, the easier it gets and the dev in you becomed less of a dark demon to be ashamed of. When is it not blown out of proportion, inkdevil? Seriously though, do you think telling someone will make it less dark and scary? What if it's the wrong person and they react negatively? Just imagining different scenarios...
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2015 20:42:13 GMT -5
I have felt guilty all my life about this special attraction without being able to put a name on it, thinking it was unhealthy and bad. I kept it hidden trying to fulfill my longings in reading all I could find on the subject and write about my fantasies. It was sometimes hard to keep it to myself. I had low and high phases but it was put aside for many years until I came across PD. Knowing I wasn't alone and being able to talk about it wiped my guilt away and I could tell my husband easily. It was a great relief because I never kept a secret from him except this big one! If he doesn't totally apprehend the extent of my feelings, he is understanding and supportive and we often talk about it. But I made a mistake telling other people around me. (Only 4 but 2 too many!) I had very negative reactions from people close to me and I regret deeply not having been selective enough. That is not an attraction you can shout from the rooftops. So I think the less you tell the better it is. We all need an inner sanctum after all
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lpoc
New Member
Posts: 9
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by lpoc on Mar 15, 2015 16:36:31 GMT -5
Hi! I'm new here and this is my first post. I've always felt guilty about this feeling since I remembered and I couldn't put a name on it! I just thought I was weird! Now I know and I've been reading a lot of posts and you guys gave me courage to tell my sister. Of course I couldn't believe when she was fine with it. I mean she knew how something weird it was going on when she asked the title of the book I was reading and I couldn't because it was devo reading.
I really agree with Inkdevil about being a closet dev it gets tiring, because I would totally stop with my life and focused in things, sometimes good thing like reading and other time darker. I feel so relieved that I was accepted by a family member even though I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't know all about devness and how is my devness thrill but I'm glad I told someone and I feel at peace.
I'm married to an AB guy and I'm really happy with him and I'm not here looking for a partner just to get more understand better my devness. I really don't think I'm capable to tell him right now about that side of me. I've seen so posts about people telling their partners and be ok with that situation and I would like to know what made you tell him?
P.S: I don't know but I feel frustrated with the my dev thrill. I always think OMG i just lost too much time. I won't do it again and next thing I know I'm in the same situation. By the way thank you PD for having this great community that gave me the courage I needed it.
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lpoc
New Member
Posts: 9
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by lpoc on Mar 15, 2015 22:46:05 GMT -5
Thank you tc123. I really know the guilt part in the relationship. Is a horrible feeling and sometimes I feel like I'm cheating him with my fantasies and makes me feel sad, selfish and mean. I hope that one day I'll be able to tell him. Right know and trying to accept my devness. The worst thing is that I think my hubby is really open minded, but what I'm really afraid is that I'll lose him because he cannot accept that side of me. And what is worse is that is hard to think that anyone could accept that! I think I wouldn't if he would tell me that.
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Post by devogirl on Mar 16, 2015 3:14:13 GMT -5
You're not cheating! Almost everyone thinks about someone other than their long-term partner during sex, at least sometimes. There have been studies proving this, although I'm not looking it up right now. But even people who are totally happy will sometimes think of some random person they saw on the street. It's completely normal, and nothing to feel bad about. The less you beat yourself up over that, the more present you can be in your relationship. On the other hand, I wouldn't go into too much detail about it. While it's good to tell your partner you are a dev, don't say "Sorry I think about other people during sex" because that will just make him insecure.
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savannahgirl
Junior Member
Posts: 76
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by savannahgirl on Mar 16, 2015 15:22:04 GMT -5
Hi! I'm new here and this is my first post. I've always felt guilty about this feeling since I remembered and I couldn't put a name on it! I just thought I was weird! Now I know and I've been reading a lot of posts and you guys gave me courage to tell my sister. Of course I couldn't believe when she was fine with it. I mean she knew how something weird it was going on when she asked the title of the book I was reading and I couldn't because it was devo reading. I really agree with Inkdevil about being a closet dev it gets tiring, because I would totally stop with my life and focused in things, sometimes good thing like reading and other time darker. I feel so relieved that I was accepted by a family member even though I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't know all about devness and how is my devness thrill but I'm glad I told someone and I feel at peace. I'm married to an AB guy and I'm really happy with him and I'm not here looking for a partner just to get more understand better my devness. I really don't think I'm capable to tell him right now about that side of me. I've seen so posts about people telling their partners and be ok with that situation and I would like to know what made you tell him? P.S: I don't know but I feel frustrated with the my dev thrill. I always think OMG i just lost too much time. I won't do it again and next thing I know I'm in the same situation. By the way thank you PD for having this great community that gave me the courage I needed it. I know how you feel. I still get guilty feelings from time to time. As for telling my spouse, like you I'm happily married to an AB guy. I ended up having to tell him because he saw a conversation I was having with a friend online about it so I had to explain. He was fine with it, amazingly fine. He said we all have things like that and it's not a problem. I still don't openly talk to him about it because I feel it is a private piece of my life that I want to keep private.
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kayleexo
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
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Post by kayleexo on Mar 16, 2015 17:25:19 GMT -5
I used to have an account on here (same screen name), but deleted it impulsively after my SO's reaction to my devness. I never intended to "come out" to him, but like the above poster, I ended up telling my SO about my devness only because he caught me skyping with a pwd I met on here. His reaction when I told him was horrible to say the least. I had read multiple posts on here about devs coming out to their partners, both AB and DA, and overall the reactions seemed to be positive. I guess that gave me a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, my partner wouldn't react so negatively. I can't say I was totally surprised by his bad reaction but it definitely hurt to be judged and to hear him say that I was a sick fuck for being attracted to "retards". It brought me back to how I felt prior to joining PD, when I felt all sorts of guilt and shame about my attraction. When I found this community, I was so happy that there were others like me, but my recent coming out experience made me realize that the negative stigma attached to devoteeism is still very much present. Not everyone outside this community is so accepting of devs - it was a harsh reality check for me. I'm sure a large part of his negative reaction was due to the fact that I was chatting with a guy behind his back, but if I could do it over again, I would not divulge my devness to my SO.
After that huge blowout, we never spoke about my devness again...and I intend to keep it that way. For me, personally, it's not worth it. Maybe I'm just weird, but divulging my devness to family/friends has never been something I wanted to do. I don't have any desire to tell the people in my life about this part of me, and it doesn't burden me at all to keep it in. I'd rather share my dev-related stuff with people who are actually accepting of devs and understand what devoteeism is all about.
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Post by Emma on Mar 16, 2015 18:16:48 GMT -5
kayleexo I'm so sorry to hear that happened. The language he used probably made you feel even worse. I'm really glad you shared your story because its good to see both sides to how things can play out. I can't imagine telling an AB guy that I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I'm continually amazed and impressed with the ladies here who have done that. In your situation I think you are right about thinking that what precipitated you telling him impacted his reaction. I can imagine it was hard for him to swallow it all at once especially since I'm sure jealously played a large role in his reaction. I'm also glad to see you are still coming to PD and made a new account. I hope you stick around and get back to that feeling you had when you first joined.
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Post by lucretia on Mar 16, 2015 18:27:08 GMT -5
I used to have an account on here (same screen name), but deleted it impulsively after my SO's reaction to my devness. I never intended to "come out" to him, but like the above poster, I ended up telling my SO about my devness only because he caught me skyping with a pwd I met on here. His reaction when I told him was horrible to say the least. I had read multiple posts on here about devs coming out to their partners, both AB and DA, and overall the reactions seemed to be positive. I guess that gave me a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, my partner wouldn't react so negatively. I can't say I was totally surprised by his bad reaction but it definitely hurt to be judged and to hear him say that I was a sick fuck for being attracted to "retards". It brought me back to how I felt prior to joining PD, when I felt all sorts of guilt and shame about my attraction. When I found this community, I was so happy that there were others like me, but my recent coming out experience made me realize that the negative stigma attached to devoteeism is still very much present. Not everyone outside this community is so accepting of devs - it was a harsh reality check for me. I'm sure a large part of his negative reaction was due to the fact that I was chatting with a guy behind his back, but if I could do it over again, I would not divulge my devness to my SO. After that huge blowout, we never spoke about my devness again...and I intend to keep it that way. For me, personally, it's not worth it. Maybe I'm just weird, but divulging my devness to family/friends has never been something I wanted to do. I don't have any desire to tell the people in my life about this part of me, and it doesn't burden me at all to keep it in. I'd rather share my dev-related stuff with people who are actually accepting of devs and understand what devoteeism is all about. Since I got married, even though my husband is super supportive/encouraging of my devness... I still don't usually speak to guys here on PD or on Skype individually.... barring a very few guys we are both friends with. That's not to say I have NEVER had a convo in the chat room, Skype, whatever... but it's rare. He trusts me as much as I trust him, and honestly he has far more of those convos with other devs than I have with other PWD's... but it's still not a thing we regularly do. It's not his decision I don't seek out male conversation, it's mine. Maybe I'm old, but I just have never thought it was a good idea for someone in a relationship to have in-depth convos with someone about the stuff we talk about here... with someone who could possibly pose a threat to the spouse or relationship. Not that it is the INTENTION... but... I do think it is a risk I am unwilling to consider. I'm not judging, but it's not something I do.
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Post by kivic on Mar 18, 2015 12:09:06 GMT -5
I used to have an account on here (same screen name), but deleted it impulsively after my SO's reaction to my devness. I never intended to "come out" to him, but like the above poster, I ended up telling my SO about my devness only because he caught me skyping with a pwd I met on here. His reaction when I told him was horrible to say the least. I had read multiple posts on here about devs coming out to their partners, both AB and DA, and overall the reactions seemed to be positive. I guess that gave me a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, my partner wouldn't react so negatively. I can't say I was totally surprised by his bad reaction but it definitely hurt to be judged and to hear him say that I was a sick fuck for being attracted to "retards". It brought me back to how I felt prior to joining PD, when I felt all sorts of guilt and shame about my attraction. When I found this community, I was so happy that there were others like me, but my recent coming out experience made me realize that the negative stigma attached to devoteeism is still very much present. Not everyone outside this community is so accepting of devs - it was a harsh reality check for me. I'm sure a large part of his negative reaction was due to the fact that I was chatting with a guy behind his back, but if I could do it over again, I would not divulge my devness to my SO. After that huge blowout, we never spoke about my devness again...and I intend to keep it that way. For me, personally, it's not worth it. Maybe I'm just weird, but divulging my devness to family/friends has never been something I wanted to do. I don't have any desire to tell the people in my life about this part of me, and it doesn't burden me at all to keep it in. I'd rather share my dev-related stuff with people who are actually accepting of devs and understand what devoteeism is all about. Yeah, that's a double-whammy for him. That sucks, seriously sucks. It wasn't all wine and roses when I told my SO. He most definitely focused on the negatives of devoteeism and that made him see me in a different light, which is what I feared most. He did call me a pervert, but I knew it came from feelings of hurt and misunderstanding. For a while, he did group me in with all the negative stereotypes of devotees, and nope, not easy, but we continued to talk about it and have now come to an understanding and level of acceptance. I actually think it has brought us closer both emotionally and sexually. Even though you two aren't broaching the subject now, it may be worthwhile in the future to sort it out, as underlying unresolved feelings and emotions turn quickly to resentment and anger. I'm glad you made the decision to join us again.
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