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Post by faith on Jun 23, 2015 2:11:56 GMT -5
I don't know if I would tell him some of the deepest parts... I think sometimes only us devs can really understand it. That it is more than just a deeply embedded sexual attraction- more than attraction but a part of us. It's WHO I am. I am as much a dev as I am a mom.... as I am a loyal friend... and I am an animal lover. It's in my makeup and core.
I think at this point he would understand because our relationship is very deep and intimate. But I'm not sure I am going to tell him. There is some mystery about it now... some hidden part of me that is only his....
It is kind of like dressing. Is it sexier to dress completely open and allow everything to be seen all the time (even just for your SO in private) or is is sexier to dress a bit less revealing and have them use their imagination as to what is under there?
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Post by marcia on Jun 23, 2015 18:28:15 GMT -5
I had a AB partner and he knews anything, now i've a paraplegic partner and he knows some about my devness
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Post by Valkyrja on Jun 24, 2015 22:38:02 GMT -5
My partner (AB) knows nothing about me being a dev. It is funny because he knows I love movies or books about "wounded hero"... it is normal for him to see me watching a Chinese Soap where the main character is a pwd, or a german movie about a para pianist ;-) ... ohh or when he wakes in the morning and the tv is showing "Caïn" in french. He is always joking telling that he never knows which language he is going to listen when he wakes up. Or Watching Avatar... specially the Sully parts... or my "fanaticism" about Dark Angel. It is weird because he knows nothing but he's witnessed a lot!!
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lpoc
New Member
Posts: 9
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by lpoc on Jun 28, 2015 13:16:40 GMT -5
My AB partner doesn't know, at least, I don't think he does. When I'm reading or watching dev stuff on the computer, I just close the page if he comes by. I did forget once while I went to shower and left the PD Devotee Fiction homepage on, pretty explicit LOL Knowing him, I'm sure he read it. Still, I wouldn't talk about it with him, even if he asked I would lie. Naturally inclined not to tell, some of the stories I've read here about devs who tell their AB partner have definitely convinced me not to say anything. On the other hand, I would definitely tell my boyfriend if he was disabled. Maybe not first thing, but very fast. And maybe not straight forward either. I would tell him I'm irresistibly attracted to his body, etc. but not mention that I'm a dev before he really knows me well. One drop at a time. For me talking in the momment when we were about to have sex helped.. id say don't move your legs i loved to see his legs natural fluid movement from my movement he aftwewards asked why and some convo starred there, nothing to deep but id mention bits every now and again, but if you dont need any dev related stuff in that ab relationship i can see why you wouldnt mention My AB hubby doesn't know I'm a Dev, but like paraxdreamer said I tried unconsciously of course ask him to be STILL during sex and he tried and it was really nice but after a while he would forget. He would said after that my request it was a little weird. Of course after that I stopped. I don't think that I would tell him, because I'm still learning about my devness and still feel the guilt.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2016 12:32:01 GMT -5
My AB partner doesn't know about my devness and lately I've been flirting with the thought of telling him. I am pretty certain he would be understanding and accepting, because that is just how he is, but I wonder if such a disclosure would benefit our relationship in any way. I am afraid at some point it could cause unnecessary pressure and doubts, and for what? Hmm, it's a matter that still needs figuring out. I wish I could have also voted for "I think it would be easier to tell a PWD partner more".
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theodora
New Member
Posts: 18
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by theodora on Jan 14, 2016 16:20:04 GMT -5
I’ve been with my AB partner for almost 8 years now and he doesn’t have a clue that I’m a dev. I don’t think that I’ll ever tell him as I don’t see any benefit in doing so. I made the decision to share my devness only with this community – nobody else knows. For now, I learned to enjoy my well-kept secret and the thrill I get from the fact that I have something totally for myself.
But thinking of a relationship with a disabled man, I have a very different attitude. Before I met my partner, I was in a very short relationship with a wheeler. Back then I wasn’t able to tell him, which I really regret. Feeling bad and self-conscious about my feelings wasn’t compatible with being in love with that man.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 17:00:33 GMT -5
I recently told my AB partner of 11 years that I've always been interested in 'handsome guys in manual wheelchairs'. He was totally cool with it. Didn't ask any questions. Just accepted it as a fact.
He doesn't know about devs though, but he knows that I hang around with like-minded people online. :-)
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Post by hartmannwrites on Jan 14, 2016 18:28:59 GMT -5
Hmm. I never told my ex hubby, but my devness was in remission (for lack of a better word) throughout my marriage. I never told my ex boyfriend either, even though I was having hardcore fantasies. ALLLL OF THE TIME. I never felt like it was a secret to be kept, but I didn't 1) know that devs were a legit "thing" and 2) feel that it warranted admission. Although, there was one occasion when he went to look up a YouTube video on something we'd been discussing, and he just stopped and stared at me. I remember asking him "What?" and he just laughed awkwardly and said "Nothing." So whatever, I don't give it a second thought. Then I hop on his computer later that night ... Turns out that I had failed to log out of my google account after checking my email earlier in the day. So...he opened YouTube and saw some..."educational" para transfer vids
He never asked. I never volunteered. We had some sketchy communication lines LOL My guess is that he just assumed it was yet another one of my weird hankerings, entertainment-wise. I enjoy snuff films and scat porn quite a bit. Not sexual at all. Just for the shock value and endless giggles
Now, it's a whole different ballgame because I've been exposed to this community. Personally, I feel as if I NEED to be upfront and honest with any AB guy I date moving forward. It's not just me and a fantasy tumbling around inside my head anymore. I will continue to record the podcast. I will continue to talk to my favourite cripples from this forum. And I have never (and would never) hide or lie about friendships. So, there's no other option but to be open about my devness. Shouldn't be too difficult though. My friends have (mostly) taken it well
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Post by anniemouse on Jan 16, 2016 1:56:23 GMT -5
My AB hubby has no idea...I hope. Argh. I love him to pieces--and find him super sexy, but I wish I'd tangibly explored the dev side of myself before settling down. Ah well. All fiction reading for me.
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tina
Junior Member
Posts: 94
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by tina on Jan 16, 2016 5:00:15 GMT -5
After finding this site, I felt morally obligated to tell a dis partner, should I ever meet one. But I am not sure if I would have had the balls to actually tell it. I am very reserved when it comes to private matters. Thankfully, I met my partner here so he knew right from the beginning! I can`t imagine it any different now, it is fantastic not not carry this "secret". I never felt any reason to tell my AB ex, though.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2016 17:38:02 GMT -5
As my situation has changed since I originally voted, I've amended my vote from 'AB: knows nothing' (and if I'd stayed with him, that's how it would have remained too), to 'PWD: knows some, but I'd like him to know more'. Because I didn't meet him on here and he had no previous knowledge of devs (is this a good or bad thing? Idk.), I feel like I can't be 100% full-on dev with him. Even though he's been more than okay with all my dev words and actions so far. He knows I'm a voyeur. He knows I love all of him - working/non-working bits and his wheelchair. He knows I like the everyday stuff the best. He knows I'm not bothered whether I get cock action or not. He knows I'm comfortable around all aspects of his disability - catheters/bowel stuff/transfers/access issues etc etc. But...but...I still feel like I'm holding back. Just a bit. I still have a bit of shame lingering about being blatantly showy of my dev side. I love watching him move and he knows that, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to get 'caught' looking and he'll hate it - or something. Idk...I know he won't, but it's hard to unleash all of me. Perhaps it's the 42 years of keeping it under wraps making it hard to let go? It was such a deeply buried secret for so long, that it's hard to reveal parts of my personality that I so carefully (but in a way, easily and almost unconsciously) hid. I haven't told him about this place, or W/C, specifically, although he knows I talk to other devs online. Why haven't I told him? It's more than the fact that it's my sanctuary. It's also keeping him to myself amongst other things. I want him only to know me and love me. But at the same time I'd love him to read some of the threads on PD/WC. To understand devs without having to explain it to him face to face. Because there are so many things I'd love him to know, but don't really feel like he can understand about me, no matter how much I try to explain it. Even though I am not in a dis-dev relationship, I can understand your struggle, inkdevil, and my advice would be to not fret too much over the why's and when's. Imo, just the fact that he knows about your being a dev is a huge thing. I am fairly certain that in time you'll feel more and more at ease with revealing different aspects of your devness to him that you have kept to yourself so far. It is your gut feeling whispering (or screaming?) that he might not be ready for a full disclosure and that you still need to tread carefully, even though it's most likely you who is not ready for more exposure, not him, but that just means that you should give it a bit more time. Why not let him get to know you even better and get familiar with YOUR devness before giving him the key to the vault of devy secrets, your own and the ones online? Relax, enjoy exploring, and try not to overthink. Easier said than done, I know, but I am sure you'll know when the time is right for more. Just my two cents.
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Post by strawberrybubblegum on Jan 16, 2016 19:14:08 GMT -5
As my situation has changed since I originally voted, I've amended my vote from 'AB: knows nothing' (and if I'd stayed with him, that's how it would have remained too), to 'PWD: knows some, but I'd like him to know more'. Because I didn't meet him on here and he had no previous knowledge of devs (is this a good or bad thing? Idk.), I feel like I can't be 100% full-on dev with him. Even though he's been more than okay with all my dev words and actions so far. He knows I'm a voyeur. He knows I love all of him - working/non-working bits and his wheelchair. He knows I like the everyday stuff the best. He knows I'm not bothered whether I get cock action or not. He knows I'm comfortable around all aspects of his disability - catheters/bowel stuff/transfers/access issues etc etc. But...but...I still feel like I'm holding back. Just a bit. I still have a bit of shame lingering about being blatantly showy of my dev side. I love watching him move and he knows that, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to get 'caught' looking and he'll hate it - or something. Idk...I know he won't, but it's hard to unleash all of me. Perhaps it's the 42 years of keeping it under wraps making it hard to let go? It was such a deeply buried secret for so long, that it's hard to reveal parts of my personality that I so carefully (but in a way, easily and almost unconsciously) hid. I haven't told him about this place, or W/C, specifically, although he knows I talk to other devs online. Why haven't I told him? It's more than the fact that it's my sanctuary. It's also keeping him to myself amongst other things. I want him only to know me and love me. But at the same time I'd love him to read some of the threads on PD/WC. To understand devs without having to explain it to him face to face. Because there are so many things I'd love him to know, but don't really feel like he can understand about me, no matter how much I try to explain it. And yet again, another person on here has put my feelings and thoughts to words better than I could have myself. This is what I love about this place.
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devorah
New Member
no longer active
Posts: 33
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: Married/Domestic partnership
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Post by devorah on Aug 22, 2017 11:38:40 GMT -5
My partner (AB) knows nothing about me being a dev. It is funny because he knows I love movies or books about "wounded hero"... it is normal for him to see me watching a Chinese Soap where the main character is a pwd, or a german movie about a para pianist ;-) ... ohh or when he wakes in the morning and the tv is showing "Caïn" in french. He is always joking telling that he never knows which language he is going to listen when he wakes up. Or Watching Avatar... specially the Sully parts... or my "fanaticism" about Dark Angel. It is weird because he knows nothing but he's witnessed a lot!! This is about where I am, too. I once tried to explain to him that I 'was drawn' to stories and films about disabled people, but he mostly blew me off. This is not something that happens infrequently - it could mean that he's not interested in the topic, didn't hear me, or heard and let it go that fast. I can never be too sure, with him. He's one of those silent types that answers in monosyllables whenever possible - in snorts and huffs, if he could get away with it. I minimize much of my devness, but I can't catch everything. He knows I keep my writings to myself, and that a portion of the books on my shelves and in my Kindle are about disabled people. He just doesn't really have anything to say - it's almost like he doesn't register any of it. I've tried - since coming here - to talk about what HE fantasizes about with him, thinking it might be a way to open the topic? He shut me down immediately. "I don't have to fantasize. Reality is fine." (I HATE the word 'fine', it should be noted.) And that was the end of that. Oookay, then. He's very absorbed with his work, though. I'm pretty sure that's what's running through his head when we're together, most of the time. He's not present - he's in code. I tease about it being his 'mistress', but honestly, it's not far off. So I suppose I don't see the point of pushing for him to understand me. We do 'fine' together, and that's enough for him, so I mostly make it enough for me. Because it's easier, that way. I can be happy if I don't ask for anything, don't expect anything, and keep my hopes and dreams within a fantasy world. Which sounds a LOT more tragic than it is... because like I said - we do 'fine, and 'fine' can be... well, fine.
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lilyth
Junior Member
Posts: 74
Gender: Female
Dev Status: Devotee
Relationship Status: In a relationship
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Post by lilyth on Oct 19, 2017 23:47:43 GMT -5
I'm bringing this thread back because I haven't been on this board in a couple years, and I'm back now because of this very thing. I've been dating pwds for about 4 years or so, and while I've always been fairly "out" about what I'm attracted to, I never "talked dev" too much really. It was all more "implied" for the most part. About 6 months into dating my current bf, it came up very deliberately in a conversation we were having, and that night he went on the internetz and looked up all things devotee, to my horror, rather than asking me about it first. At first he was completely shocked - apparently in 15 years of being disabled he had never heard of a dev, or really encountered anything like it. But since he already knew me very well, he clearly knew that some of the less favorable things he had found didn't apply, and he got a conversation going. And somehow, over the past 4 months, everything has exploded in a positive direction, with him COMPLETELY embracing the whole thing beyond what I ever thought I could have with a partner. I always thought I'd have to be kind of delicate about it, downplay it, etc. He loooooooves it He calls me his little dev and LOVES the term "wheeler" (he wants me to thank the dev community for coming up with such a cute, neutral word to describe him, hahaha). He has me telling him things I never imagined I'd share out loud, even as someone who has never been one to hide my attractions. And it made me want to come back here and embrace it more myself, to be honest. Like he has said to me, keeping a heavy secret like that must have been so hard to do - and he's totally right. What a weight off! I feel insanely lucky. So I think you know what I voted for!
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Post by Emma on Oct 20, 2017 0:13:11 GMT -5
I'm so happy for you lilyth, its an amazing feeling. I'll have to go back in this thread and see what I wrote but I'm basically in the same boat as you. My husbands not only knows I'm a dev he enjoys it and does things he knows I like. Our relationship didn't start off like that but over time he has learned a lot and knows all about me as a dev.
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